when they want to quit something after you've paid for it

[Nosy]

4.5 yo has been doing gymnastics for 2 years. Last week he got there with DH and completely refused to participate. No explanation, no amount of coaxing, just nothing. This week we talked about whether he wanted to go, he said he did, and we got there (this time with me) and he refused to participate or even go out on the floor. The only thing I could get from him was "I'm tired." Judging by how he's been acting since we got home, he is not tired. He won't talk to us about why he doesn't want to participate. We are there watching the whole time every week so we should have seen if something bothered him or someone bothered him. So I guess we just lose the rest of the month we paid for and don't sign up next month. What do you do? I certainly won't force him to do gymnastics but I also don't like the message of "you can just quit in the middle of your commitment".

[EFmom]

We explain to our kids beforehand that if we sign up for a given period of time, they can decide to quit after that time is over if they want, but not before.

[ollyoxenfree]

There was a thread in Parenting recently on this topic:

http://www.mothering.com/discussions....php?t=1232120

It sounds like something is bothering him though. If nothing happened in the gymnastics class, is it possible that it happened elsewhere? Perhaps some other children (neighbourhood, playground, pre-school) are teasing him about gymnastics?

[laohaire]

My DD does swim class at the Y and she loved it but one day all of a sudden she didn't want to go. I got some advice here to simply go and stay, and leave it up to her to participate.

So what this looks like is, she doesn't get to decide she doesn't want to do it and we all go home. Instead, she can sit on the bench with us and watch the other kids swim. Not like a punishment, but just like "we're here, this is what we're doing now." If she doesn't want to get in the water, fine, but we're here until the class is over.

The advice worked really well for us. We had one class that she sat out halfway but then was able to be coaxed into the water by her teacher. The next class she started with the "I don't wanna" again and we said fine, come over here with us and sit and we'll watch. This time she got in within 10 minutes. After that, it was all back to normal again, she went right back in the water from the beginning.

I think this is good advice almost no matter what the issue. If something happened to scare your son, he might be able to express it after a while. You're there with him, there's nothing forceful or cruel about sitting through the class. But it provides the opportunity to work through it without just quitting. So either he'll be tempted to join back in after he's comfortable again, or perhaps he'll give some sort of cue at some point as to what triggered the issue (he gets anxious during a certain activity, maybe). Even then, if you can pinpoint, you can try to resolve or at the least tell him he can sit out the specific activity without having to sit everything out.

[EdnaMarie]

That's tough. At my child's age (3.5) she certainly doesn't have the concept of time that would allow her to understand the whole sign-up timeline. For her, five more times or ten more times is basically "a lot more". I'm not sure I'd force her. However, you've given me something to think about because we also do monthly gymnastics!

[Mirzam]

Originally Posted by Nosy

I also don't like the message of "you can just quit in the middle of your commitment".

He's four years old. I wouldn't put that kind of responsibility on such a young child, I don't think they are developmentally ready for that. I would let him quit and not worry about the money I am out. But that's me.

[BunnySlippers]

I would just keep taking him and let him watch. This may be a phase, if it is not then don't continue once the session is done.

I too am wondering if someone somewhere else said something to your son about gymnastics.

[pigpokey]

You know, it totally depends on what it is. How good is it for the child versus something just for fun, how do they enjoy it *if* they go out there (no matter what is expressed beforehand), how hard is it to re-enter if they do quit. Stuff like that. From that age my children have been in selective gymnastics programs and while I would NEVER require them to compete gymnastics, or whatever, I would not let them quit on a whim because they might think they can go back in 2 months but the group is full ... no, one you are in that kind of program you need a thought out exit. Also, my son at 4.5 started gymnastics again after quitting organized gym for a while and just doing open gym. After about 2 months he wanted to quit, and I said no way. The leg work I'd done, the comparing programs, the getting him signed up, the obvious pleasure he had during his workouts ... I told him he had to wait 2 months and talk to me about it then. So by the time that month rolled around, he had forgotten he wanted to quit.

Around here, at some gyms even the rec classes have long waiting lists. You may want to check and see if he will be able to restart before you pull out.

Another thing that helps me is to compare it to ... if it was me taking the class as an adult and I decided I didn't want to go, would I make myself?

[bluebirdiemama]

I would go with him next time, same as always. If he didn't want to participate again, I'd sit with him while the other kids do their gymnastics and talk to him about it. See if I could pick up on anything.

I'm interested to know what happens. I will be dealing this kinda stuff soon

[karemore]

My DD did gymnastics for 2 years and at age 4 1/2 she stopped wanting to go. Nothing happened, she just lost interest. I did have her finish out the session, which was two more weeks and I didn't sign her up for the next session.

I told her if she wanted to join again, we would. She hasn't asked and it's been several months. At this age their interests change often.

I think it's important for kids to feel safe and confident trying new things. If they fear they are going to be stuck doing something they don't want to do they are going to be less willing to try things. I'd be more worried about that than about having a child grow up to be a "quitter".

[nextcommercial]

My daughter quit because it was making her wrists sore. She liked it, but it made her wrists hurt, which made her not want to do any of the moves. She didn't tell me about the wrist pain until AFTER we quit gymnastics.

In fifth grade (tumbling at a dance studio) they were doing backflips down the mat when the girl in front of her fell and broke her arm. My dd never did another backflip again, and eventually dropped tumbling.

Perhaps he's hurting just enough to make it not very appealing, or he saw someone get injured?

[zeldamomma]

I'd be more concerned about why he's refusing than the expense of the class. I agree with pp that forcing him to finish is more likely to teach him not to want to try new things than teach him to honor "commitments".

Is there anything else going on in his life that might be stressful for him? Some kids just get to a point where life is too much and they balk at activities they usually like.

[wookie]

we're going through the exact same thing here with my 4.3yo, except the sport is soccer. he loved going to play soccer until the last season so we signed him up for all of this summer--3 months. we thought he'd have even more fun since it's outdoors but apprently it's the opposite. we've been to 3 classes and he's refused to even get up from the grass. before reading this thread i was inclined to just have him quit since he obviously isn't enjoying it right now but i think we'll stick at it for a while more.

good luck w/ your son, OP.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by laohaire

I got some advice here to simply go and stay, and leave it up to her to participate.

This is how we've handled this issue. (my kids are now 12 and 13).

This was a non-negotiable with my DH because he has two nieces who quit everything they started once they found it was effort. They are now in their 20's and have yet to complete anything in life.

My kids like to very clear on what they are committing to before trying new things, but they both try new things.

There is a difference between *stopping* an activity and *quitting* an activity. Stopping means not signing up again, quitting means walking out in the middle of your commitment.

The thing about not having a 4 year old finish out the month is that the activities become much more demanding as they get older. There isn't a whole bunch expected out of a 4 year old but to show up and not push other kids and give it a try. As kids get older, practices are longer, and REAL effort is required.

There isn't a magic age where it suddenly makes sense to start encouraging sticking with things. If anything, this becomes a more difficult issues kids get older, not an easier one.

[chfriend]

I don't view a 4 year old signing up for a class as making a commitment.

I'd let it go and see where the new interests are.

At 4, honestly, I wouldn't worry one little bit about teaching them to "quit" a sports related activity.

[Linda on the move]

Allowing a child to quite because they just aren't in the mood one day or had a bad experience that they are having trouble putting into words cuts them off from enjoying an activity they liked.

If your 4 year old likes gymnastics, just isn't in the mood for it one day, so you stop going and never sign them up again, how is that helpful to them?

I'm curious for those who would just stop taking a 4 year old, what the magic age is when you expect different behavior and how that transition went.

[zeldamomma]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move

Allowing a child to quite because they just aren't in the mood one day or had a bad experience that they are having trouble putting into words cuts them off from enjoying an activity they liked.

If your 4 year old likes gymnastics, just isn't in the mood for it one day, so you stop going and never sign them up again, how is that helpful to them?

I'm curious for those who would just stop taking a 4 year old, what the magic age is when you expect different behavior and how that transition went.

I agree with you about not dropping it over one bad day. But if the class had changed in a significant way or if it was a new activity and the kid had given the class a good try (for my kids this would be 2-3 sessions participating to the best of their ability), I might let them drop it. If I felt like they hadn't given it a good try, I would make it clear to them that if they didn't give it a good try, I would be much slower to sign them up for something new in the future.

However, my kids have been in classes with kids who were obviously miserable to be there, and it really takes away from the rest of the class to have one kid who is constantly crying or refusing to participate. Based on seeing that, if my kid couldn't or wouldn't participate in a class, I would pull him out for the sake of the instructor and the other students.

I did once sign a child up for an activity where she refused to go, and after going and watching a couple times, with her showing no signs of participating, we gave up. It was disappointing, not because of the money but because it bothers me to watch my kid shrink away from something because it seemed hard. However, we have worked with her since that, and she has gotten much much better about facing difficulty. I do think it was easier for her to deal with this at 6 or 7 year old then when she was younger.

[ewe+lamb]

I took gymnasstics as a child which I loved - I hated our coach though - I stopped half way through because I was so scared of her - not because I didn't enjoy the gym side of things, there was a two year waiting list and my parents had to pay alot of money - but there's no point if the child is scared - I'd ask him if anything is bothering him at all.

[choli]

I never signed my kids up for any organised "activities" till they were over 6. Before that, I preferred that they just played.

[Polliwog]

I can't imagine making one of my kids finish out something that wasn't a good fit for them. I see early activities as times to try things out. I learned that my STBAD isn't ready for parks and rec gymnastic because there isn't enough to do and there's a lot of waiting. But, their creative movement for preschoolers class is perfect. The activities are short and there's lots of ways she (and the others) can dance/run around. Parks and Rec t-ball (and homeschool soccer playdates) helped me to see that my son isn't ready for team-type sports. I learned that my son isn't ready for group swimming lessons but private lessons (along with swimming in our pool with the older boys) are what he needs.

I don't spend a lot on lessons. I don't have it and I much prefer the low-key parks and rec activities.