when they want to quit something after you've paid for it - Page 2

[2xy]

Why is a gymnastics class a "commitment"? Is it just because it cost money? If it were a free class, would you still pressure him to go?

To me, a commitment is when others are depending on you. A team sport is a commitment. Gymnastics, not so much.

I would probably take the child to a couple of more classes just to see if it was one bad day or a genuine desire to no longer participate, but the money is gone whether he sits on the bench or gets out on the mat.

It's kind of like making someone clean his plate when he's already full....that food is still wasted. It went into a body that didn't need it. Going to an activity that makes the kid unhappy is not enriching or rewarding; it's just a waste of time.

Originally Posted by Linda on the move

I'm curious for those who would just stop taking a 4 year old, what the magic age is when you expect different behavior and how that transition went.

Do you expect different behaviors from a 4yo and an 8yo? What about a 4yo and a 12yo? If a 4yo had a meltdown in the supermarket, would you be more or less surprised than if a 15yo lay down on the floor and had a tantrum?

I don't think there is a "magic age" when we expect certain behaviors. We just expect our children to grow and understand about the world little by little. A 4yo doesn't even have the capacity to see something from your point of view, let alone understand about real commitment or the significance of time and money. IMO, signing up a young child for an activity is always a gamble.

[eepster]

I would keep going just as Laohaire suggested.

We went through a similar thing with DS and being scared at music class. I'm really glad I didn't just give in to his anxiety and stop going to his music classes. It helped him learn to find ways to manage his fears, which is a good life skill. Also, once he got past his fear he went back to loving his music classes and we kept going to them until his preschool schedule started to conflict with it.

If I had just let him quit, he would have learned to give in to anxiety and missed out on a great experience.

Very young age actually makes me feel less like it's OK to just let them quit. At 4 yo, a child has trouble seeing past a momentary worry/upset/anxiety/etc to see that if they just push past it they may have a long term rewarding experience. An older child, such as a 12 yo, will know the difference between "I find this one aspect of this activity bad, but I like the activity in general so it is worth putting up with the one bad aspect" and "I generally don't like this activity and don't really want to keep doing it." Young children usually lack this long term perspective.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by 2xy

Do you expect different behaviors from a 4yo and an 8yo? What about a 4yo and a 12yo?

activities for 12 year olds are VERY different than those for 4 year olds. So the same "you will finish what you started, even if you are just watching" stance IS very different for a 12 year old and a 4 year old. This is an activity that meets once a week, mostly likely for less than an hour, with no real pressure to perform, and adults who understand having a funky day and not joining in. Activities for 12 year old aren't like that -- not by a long shot.

We just expect our children to grow and understand about the world little by little.

I agree. I just think that gently explaining that they will complete the month (and showing them a calendar and talking them through what that means) and sweetly sitting with them during the couple of classes that are left gives them a far better opportunity to grow and understand than just following their whims.

"I don't feel like doing that today" is a feeling that all humans experience, regardless of age. It's part of our job as parents to help kids work through that.

If an activity is truly not a good fit, of course stopping it makes sense.

[GuildJenn]

Our general guideline is, unless something's clearly gone south in a big way* we ask our son to go with us and tell his teacher he's not coming that day. Not punitively but just as a courtesy. Usually by the time he gets there and sees the other kids he wants to go.

I like the idea of extending that a bit and sitting there together watching.

* one exception was that my son hit his head in the changeroom at swimming and got a concussion and was out for two weeks, and then it was a long weekend so it was three weeks. There were two classes left and he was a bit freaked out so we let it slide that time.

[zeldamomma]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move

I agree. I just think that gently explaining that they will complete the month (and showing them a calendar and talking them through what that means) and sweetly sitting with them during the couple of classes that are left gives them a far better opportunity to grow and understand than just following their whims.

Why? Why is dropping an activity at the end of a billing cycle more acceptable than dropping it when it stops meeting the need for which you chose it? It doesn't sound to me like a class that "ends" really

If the class was chosen to provide a pleasant diversion, the class does not depend on their being a specific number of students, and the child does not enjoy the class, I could see letting them drop it at age 4. I think an older child could be expected to understand the issue of cost, and it therefore could be reasonable to make them finish a class, both to get them to carefully consider their degree of interest before signing up, and to make them give the topic an honest try. I don't think it would be difficult to make the rule at 6 or 8. If the reason the kid wanted to drop a class was that they were unwilling to follow the normal rules for these things, or some other behavior issue, I would deal with that separate from the "can you drop the class" question. But barring that, I think a kid would only become more able to commit to classes as they get older.

If the class was chosen to get the kid physically active, or to help a kid master a particular skill, it becomes a different question, IMO. I know someone who is constantly reinventing her homeschool when her kids get "bored", and I think it gets to be a little silly at some point. Everyone enjoys novelty, but we shouldn't constantly need novelty to see things through.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by zeldamomma

I think an older child could be expected to understand the issue of cost, and it therefore could be reasonable to make them finish a class, both to get them to carefully consider their degree of interest before signing up, and to make them give the topic an honest try.

In our family, we felt that if a child is old enough to go to a class, they are old enough to be talked through this issue. There isn't some magic age when they will *get* this (I know 12 year olds who don't!).

Rather, the class could be used as a learning experience. Money has value, we finish what we start. These are good lessons!

I don't really see what the huge deal is about walking the child through the class for a couple of times to give them a chance to reconsider and to learn a little about finishing things. I think that if parents made a habit of signing a child up for stuff and then just letting them drop for no reason, it would be that much harder when the child is 6 or 8 to teach them to finish things. They would have learned such bad habits.

And again, I'm not speaking a class where there is some kind of huge obvious problem, just the general "I don't wanna do it today" thing.

This was never a huge issue for my kids. They learned to read a calendar through their activities. They got to help pick activities. But we didn't drop stuff until either the end of the month or the end of the class.