teenager excessively touching my son

[howdeepistheocean]

I haven't posted here much, but I really need to know if I'm being weird
in thinking this is inappropriate.
My sister-in-law is 16 yr and really loves playing with my three boys, especially my two older ones...ages 4 & 5.
She is a very touchy-feely person with her friends, older brothers, (in my opinion too much so, as one of her older bro's is my dh)
And she is very touchy-feely with my sons...especially my oldest who seems to be returning it excessively.
For example...he'll sit in her lap while she puts her arms around him for long long periods of time, and rubs his back and they'll cuddle and it seems that anytime possible he wants to be in her lap or she'll be cuddling/hugging/touching. This happens with my 4 yr son too but not nearly as much and he doesn't seem as magnetized to her...
Now because I'm not a touchy feely person maybe this just feels too much, and there really isn't anything abnormal about it...but it feels that there is.
I'm totally ok with my sons being cuddly, touchy with me as I feel that is the safe situation for a kids to be cuddled and touched.
My 4 yr old is very cuddly with me, but my 5 yr old isn't and can be standoffish/awkward at times...so maybe that's why it bothers me more that he is so cuddly with her.
My mommy-radar is just going off telling me something isn't quite right and he is forming an unhealthy attachment to her...and I should stop it.
Am I being overprotective? Putting yourself in my place, would you be bothered by a teenage girl being very cuddly and touchy with your 5 yr old son? I'm confused... ~Kristie

[MissRubyandKen]

This is a pretty complicated question, especially to answer online with as little detail as you are providing.

Bottom line- you are the MOM. If you're mommy senses are tingling, its usually best to follow your instincts. YOU set whatever boundaries YOU feel are appropriate for your children.

Between the lines- you are upfront on admitting you are somewhat uncomfortable because she is touchy feely with your dh, also that your son is more cuddly with her than you. I'm not gonna say I'd feel differently, cause that's not likely. However we have to take ourselves with a grain of salt when jealous emotions are involved.

My advice- Just have a private moment with the girl and be honest without being hurtful. Make it about yourself, as it sounds like it may be anyway (I can't judge that, but you allude to that in your post). Let her know all the touching is just making you uncomfortable and ask her to please back off a bit, thanks.

It is possible she is just touchy feely, but coupled with normal teen hormones it just seems too much. You also mentioned she is even touchy feely with her own brothers. Sooooo, yeah, I doubt it is meant with sexual overtures. I do believe I may have been described this way at 16 too. No way would I be now though, lol. More like standoffish, probably.

My only question, how does your dh feel about this? Has he ever expressed discomfort or have you brought this up with him?

[limabean]

What you describe doesn't set off any red flags for me, but as the PP said, you're the mom and if something's bothering you regarding your kids you have the right to put a stop to it.

That said, one of my little cousins was in love with me when I was a teen and he was a little boy -- he used to tell people he was going to marry me, sit in my lap whenever possible, etc. It was really sweet, and he grew out of it and is a perfectly normal 20-something now.

[mommariffic]

I grew up in a family that was NOT touchy feely - my mother thought it was "weird" if I tried to snuggle my brother, I didn't get hugged a lot etc. Growing up any kind of overly-affectionate people made me weirded out, until I had my own DD. I literally smother her with kisses, hugs, snuggles, cuddles and I can't get enough!

Anyway though - I remember we had a family friend and they were all snuggly. The brothers would hug, the girls would sit in Dad's lap. It was just the way they were, loving, caring, attentive. I thought it was like the biggest weirdest thing ever...but it totally wasn't. They are still the most awesome, caring family and as a mom I've begun to realize that snuggles are okay.

After reading the post twice, I don't see any warnings...snuggling/sitting on laps/rubbing backs seems normal, especially if she's just a touchy feely person. If my friends children hop in my lap I always absentmindedly play with their hair, or tickle them on the arm or something and well, I don't think I'm a threat

[bluebirdiemama]

I don't see any detail in your thread that I would worry about, but I do advise to trust your instincts. If you sense there is something wrong, then there is. My thinking is that maybe she has insecurities that cause her to be so touchy feely, or that she is compensating for something. And that could be what you are picking up on.
Or maybe there is something in your psychee that cause you to be very uncomfortable with touchy feely people.

Have you gotten your dh's opinion on this?

[eclipse]

I'm going to be honest here. Usually I'm all for moms trusting their instincts about this sort of thing. But lets get real. Is there any real reason for you to be jealous that your husband's little sister likes to hug him? That strikes me as really odd - being jealous of your husband around another woman, maybe. But his sister? Really? I just don't get what would bug you about it. The fact that you made that comment really colors my opinion of your interpretation of the rest of the situation. I get not being touchy-feely. I'm not really either. But a teenager hugging/cuddling either her big brother or her young nephew (especially since it seems like your son is not only enjoying it, but initiating it) is not something that average people are worried about. If she was being insistant that he sit on her lap or snuggle with him or something, I'd be right there with you in thinking she was overstepping - but it doesn't seem like that's the case. Nothing about what you said strikes me as anything more than a normal aunt/nephew close relationship. I think you really need to examine what about this is making you so uncomfortable and if it's something rational before you deprive your son of a relationship he seems to be craving.

[bluebirdiemama]

Just wanted to say that I think eclipse has some good advice. While I said in my pp that I think there is something wrong, and you need to deal with it, I agree that you should not cut off the relationship.
The thing that needs correcting is not the snuggling.

[Earthy Mama]

I wouldn't be bothered with it at all. I have a younger brother and kids are just drawn to him. My daughters are constantly climbing all over him, wrestling, giving him hugs, etc.

I would be touched that they are bonded with their auntie as much as they are.

A lot of teen girls find little kids to be a novelty. They're cute and cuddly. Talk to your dh and you might get some background on her behavior (ie-she's just a very affectionate person).

[mtiger]

I wouldn't be too weirded out, either. Some people are just more tactile than others, and that seems to be the case with your SIL and son.

Nor do I think her being huggy with her brother (your husband) is all that odd. If it bothered *him*, that would be a different story. But some siblings are close like that w/o anything being off. My two are.

[zeldamomma]

Unless you think there's something harmful, I wouldn't say anything. She's 16, if you tell her to back off, she's going to think she can't touch her nephews, and it's going to make her feel very self-conscious. A lot of 16 year old girls are kind of lonely and sad, and she may be reaching out to her family for emotional support-- snuggling with 4 year olds and hugging her big brothers is a lot better than what she might be doing. Based on what you wrote, I would only be concerned if, say, your son was choosing to sit on his aunt's lap instead of playing with the other kids, and it was happening all the time, and then I would try redirecting my son to going out and playing, and try not to make it about the aunt at all, just about his sitting around.

If you really feel like something needs to change, I would talk to your dh, and have him talk to his sister about it, but I would only do it if I was REALLY sure, because it could mess up family relationships for a LONG time.

[choli]

I think the problem is on your end to be honest.

[RiverSky]

Nothing sounded inappropriate in your post at all. I loved cuddling my little sister, my little cousins and even small children I babysat when I was in my teens. It was certainly NEVER anything untoward or possessive when I did it. My children now love to cuddle, too, but so does my husband.

I must admit I am pretty baffled when I know other moms who aren't cuddly and seem to never kiss or cuddle their children, but obviously, they just aren't as naturally "cuddly" as I am. Then again, I'm not much of a friend-hugger, LOL, so it mostly extends only to my DH or my children, and occasionally, niece/nephews, friend's babies or children who like to cuddle.

I do agree that if you get a really creeped out feeling, it's important to pay attention to it, but in this situation, from what you have written, I think you are just feeling uncomfortable with what seems like an excessive-cuddliness which you aren't quite used to.

[NiteNicole]

Is there any real reason for you to be jealous that your husband's little sister likes to hug him? That strikes me as really odd - being jealous of your husband around another woman, maybe. But his sister? Really?

I don't think the OP said anything about being jealous.

[howdeepistheocean]

Thank you so much for all your replies. You mostly have set my mind at ease.
NiteNicole is right...I did not say anything about being jealous about affection to my dh. He is actually more turned off to it than I, and it's more than hugging. What kinda wierded both of us out is how she was with her 18 yr bro...sitting on his lap, him carrying her in his arms, flopping over each other...(just to give some perspective)
So anyway, I'm not at all against normal displays of affection, hugs, sitting on laps, etc, but what worried me was the length of it...and almost obsession. My son didn't seem to want to play much when she was around, and anytime ever that she is sitting or laying down, he is all over her...and he is not this way with anyone else. I think because most people don't encourage it.
I did talk with my dh about this, and while he didn't particularly notice it (he's not around a lot when she is here) he didn't think it was healthy for our 5 yr old to be so emotionally/physically attached to someone rather than his parents. We do have a few concerns about his attachment with us...(he was adopted at age 2) and so this may come into play as well.
We are a physical touchy family with our kids...as in, we hug, hold, cuddle with them a lot..but our 5 yr isn't as much so with us and that does worry us at times.
So I'm not considering breaking off relationship or anything of the sort, but was concerned about her babysitting or otherwise being alone with him for extended periods of time. I feel like they would be cuddling the entire time...
And maybe I am being ridiculous for worrying about it...mostly I probably am. Thanks a lot...and I will take everything you all said into consideration.

[musikat]

I'm going to be the odd one out and say listen to your instincts. It doesn't sound from your post like anything weird is happening but I DO think that young boys can get "crushes" on teenage girls and that it sometimes needs to be moderated. Should you cut off contact with your SIL? of course not. But it maybe should be monitored a bit, for both of their sakes.

I am coming at this from the perspective of a mom who fired a teenage "mother's helper" for inappropriate behavior with my oldest son, who was about your son's age. I think my son was interested in her and attracted to her in a little kid way, which is no big deal at all. I drew the line at her letting him come into the BATHROOM with her while she sat on the toilet and a bunch of other little things. I doubt your SIL is doing anything wrong, but it can get awkward for a little kid who doesn't understand this stuff at all yet. I don't know your situation. But if you find it odd, it's worth listening to your "mom" voice.

[ewe+lamb]

I was a child who was never showed any physical affection, it hurt me, and it took toll on my adult life, I had to speak to my mother - as it started with her - about being more tactile - it was seen when I was tactile as something really strange and 'naughty', anyway we have a more normal relationship some 15 years after we first talked about it. I think that it is a positive thing that a teenager wants to snuggle up with her cousin - if it was done somewhere away from others then I would worry a little more - my dh's cousin locked herself in the bathroom with our then baby ds for over 20 mins - she's never looked after him again, but seeing as she is tactile with everyone and not just one specific person then I wouldn't worry about it. Maybe you'd like to look up Protecting the Gift by Gavin DeBecker - it could be an interesting read for you.

[lobster]

My sister is 16 and is ALWAYS touching my children - hugging them, kissing them, wrestling with them, snuggling. But my children get the same kind of physical affection from their father, from me, from my parents. That's the norm for us around here. I can't see how it is inappropriate.

[Otterella]

Take a look at "The Five Love Languages". It's all about how different people naturally show affection, and how we can relate to people who are a different "language" than we are. I am a "physical touch" and my DH is an "acts of service". We've had some conflict over it, but we've gotten better about remembering our differences. It sounds like your SIL is definitely a "physical touch" and is just showing affection to her nephew in her most fluent love language. If she's like me, then to NOT express affection physically is like not expressing it at all. To ask her to stop touching would be like asking her to stop loving. I don't have any specific advice on how to handle the specific situation, but maybe by understanding more about her love language, you will be able to recognize where the boundaries are and whether or not she is crossing them into inappropriate behavior.

[howdeepistheocean]

Great to hear all of your perspectives. It will give me a reference how to look at it, and while I still will pay attention to my instincts it will help moderate my reaction. Which is why I posted the question in the first place, I needed some disconnected perceptive on it.
Musicat, thank you for your perceptive...I will monitor it, and as I am a SAHM I am with my son a lot and I feel that it will be very manageable.
ewe+lamb...we do show him a lot of physical affection...and make a point of trying to above what he asks for...I do think he needs it. I just would rather he got the most of his touch needs met by parents. (maybe I'm funny that way)
Otterella, I wouldn't ask her to stop touching...as I realize that is her love language, but rather to monitor it, for my son's sake. To keep it more casual and less intense. I am not against touching...just the intensity of it, is what bothers me.
I appreciate all of your replies!! Thank you for taking the time to help me work through this...) ~Kristie