How should I respond? (Misbehavior & Birthday Party)

[wildflower18]

Just lost my post that took 1/2 an hour to write. GRRrr! So this is the abbreviated version as I need to get to bed.

We've been invited to a college friend's birthday party for their 3 year old. They recently moved to the area and our children have only seen each other 3 times in the past, one of which was a week long vacation to their previous home. At each of those visits, our son, who is a bit more physically active and aggressive, has bitten or shoved their child.

We received an e-mail today saying that their child has recently expressed concern about our son coming to his birthday party, stating that he pushed him and hurt him and that our son must not like him. They stated that they have explained that our son doesn't mean to hurt him and they have jazzed him up for our son to visit. They have taken precautions to ensure that our son is occupied (lots of games) and happy while he is there to help prevent any future problems. They are calling on us to help think of other things that will help the day run smoothly.

I'm not sure how to respond. A large part of me just wants to say we aren't coming. But that feels immature. My husband, who now says he never wanted to go to begin with, is saying we shouldn't attend. Of course it sounds logical when he says it since we can't guarantee that there won't be an issue and being that it is a 2 hour drive one way for us, we would hate to have to make a quick exit should something occur. I'm concerned that there will be hard feelings if we back out now. However, the thought of going is now less than appealing to me. A day of being hypervigilant about my son's behavior (which is improving BTW) and feeling like our friend's will be hovering to ensure that their son doesn't get hurt makes me nauseous. I'd rather stay home.

How would you respond?

[Hoopin' Mama]

If it were me I would say:
"thank you for being honest with me and helping to come up with solutions. However, it sounds stressful all around and perhaps we should get together again in the future when my son has outgrown the biting stage."

Also, you should be hypervigilant if your child is in a biting stage, and they should be ensuring their child doesn't get hurt. It all sounds reasonable to me, so I think just remain honest and open and hopefully no hard feelings will occur.

It sucks to be the one who's child get hurts, and it equally sucks to be the one with the child doing the hurting. It sounds like they are really trying to work it out.

[2cutiekitties]

They sound like caring friends and responsible parents. I would go and use it as a practice session for your son. Just sitting around with him at home isnt going to teach/help/practice methods much. But hey, if you cant deal then just say you are too stressed and let it be. They will certainly understand.

I have a similiar problem. My 3 year old is kicking me/hitting me when he doesnt like what I say. Even if what I a saying is sweet as pie, if it isnt what he wants to hear, bam right in the shins. I am livid, horrifed and at the end of my rope. I definitely want to hide in my house, but I am going on a 3 day trip with him and use it as a patience learning experience on part. And if it goes bad then I will be flooding this board with posts.

Now, do you think they know you enough to send an email like that knowing you will back out because they really dont want you to come and are too chicken to tell you?

[sapphire_chan]

Originally Posted by 2cutiekitties

They sound like caring friends and responsible parents. I would go and use it as a practice session for your son. Just sitting around with him at home isnt going to teach/help/practice methods much. But hey, if you cant deal then just say you are too stressed and let it be. They will certainly understand.

A birthday party after a 2 hour drive isn't a good practice environment. It'd more like the testing scenario after he'd been consistently okay in less stressful situations.

Especially not a birthday for a young child where there are likely to be lots of strange adults and in a place he hasn't been in regularly. If it were at a park or something, then I could see trying it, with the caveat not to force him to stay in the actual party area.

[madskye]

I agree--just admit that it's not a great situation for any of you and back out of the party. Perhaps when you call to let them know what you think is best, ask if you can set up a get-together for just the grown ups. Your kids don't have to be friends...but that doesn't mean that you can't maintain your relationship.

Also, while I get that their note was a disappointment, I think it was pretty nicely and gently done.

[wildflower18]

Thanks for all the feedback. Just want to clarify that the biting stage is has ended with the entrance of his 2 year molars. He does shove and push now on occasion, sometimes over sharing, sometimes as "entertainment" when he is bored, sometimes though, we can't figure out what the trigger is.

It's not that we aren't hypervigilant, but things happen, especially when you are in a party situation and socializing with friends that you rarely see. In other recent playgroup situations, he has not had any issues, but that is in a less stressful environment. Driving 2 hours one way to introduce him to a new setting, possibly forgoing or pushing back nap time and the strong likelihood that there will be sugary treats in the scenario is just setting our son up for failure. And being that he is already targeted as the bully, I agree that it may be best just to forgo the event. We've been invited to a local party where there is no pre-conceived notion about our child and can practice the party setting closer to home.

It would be nice to preserve the friendship through this. We'll see how it goes.

[wildflower18]

Originally Posted by madskye

Also, while I get that their note was a disappointment, I think it was pretty nicely and gently done.

It was mostly done nicely, except with the description of how our son pummeled their son and she went into great detail about how the last time he pushed, shoved, hit, choked, etc. I could have done without the editorial flair in her writing about my son's misbehavior, regardless of whether or not it is accurate (my husband does not recall the incident and I wasn't present). The overall tone though was one of trying not to offend and to make sure we knew we were still welcomed. None the less, it sucks to be the recipient of such an e-mail when you feel you are doing what you can already to curb your child's behavior in the first place and are certainly trying to prevent him from hitting or pushing other children. It feels like a direct jab at my parenting, whether that was the intention or not.

[madskye]

DD, who is 5 now, is a tiny angelic little girl but when she was just 3 started using "fists of fury" over just about everything. I don't know where it came from or why, but it was a frustrating couple of months of standing over to her make sure she didn't snap over something and break out windmill arms.

It came and went and hasn't been a problem since...but I think it's tough with that age and little ones...especially if the parents haven't been through it before. Now, I know that even tiny angelic DD has it in her to act like that, that it doesn't make her a "bully", that it stinks but it's most likely a phase...but at the time it really sucked. So hang in there.

[ChristyMarie]

I think that the email was a very nice thing to do. I'm not sure I'd be as accommodating or as accepting of having a child who has repeatedly pushed and bitten my child at his birthday party after my child expressed fear of being hurt again.

I think you can decide if your son is up for this outing based on his recent behavior but, regardless, since you know he can behave in this manner, you HAVE to be hypervigilant so other children do not get hurt. That is your responsibility while he's going through this phase.

[sunnmama]

My very sweet 9 yo is an ex-hitting/shover. 3 was hard!
If you don't know your son's triggers, it is ok to take a break from these kinds of potentially triggering events until he outgrows it. It is an especially good idea if the "target" child is sensitive and growing fearful, as this child seems to be.

Originally Posted by wildflower18

It was mostly done nicely, except with the description of how our son pummeled their son and she went into great detail about how the last time he pushed, shoved, hit, choked, etc. I could have done without the editorial flair in her writing about my son's misbehavior, regardless of whether or not it is accurate (my husband does not recall the incident and I wasn't present). The overall tone though was one of trying not to offend and to make sure we knew we were still welcomed. None the less, it sucks to be the recipient of such an e-mail when you feel you are doing what you can already to curb your child's behavior in the first place and are certainly trying to prevent him from hitting or pushing other children. It feels like a direct jab at my parenting, whether that was the intention or not.

Reading this, it sounds like they do think your dh underreacted. He was present for that incident and doesn't recall it? That doesn't tell me about the reality of what happened, but it does show two very divergent perspectives. They saw their child being pushed, shoved, hit, choked, etc.....and your dh didn't see anything that imprinted a memory. That's a pretty big difference in perception of how serious the incident was! Again, I'm not saying that their perspective is more "right" than your dh's----just pointing out that they may feel he underreacts, leaving their child vulnerable. And he may feel they overreact to little kid stuff. Either way, best to give the kids a break from each other.

[riverscout]

Originally Posted by wildflower18

It was mostly done nicely, except with the description of how our son pummeled their son and she went into great detail about how the last time he pushed, shoved, hit, choked, etc. I could have done without the editorial flair in her writing about my son's misbehavior, regardless of whether or not it is accurate (my husband does not recall the incident and I wasn't present). The overall tone though was one of trying not to offend and to make sure we knew we were still welcomed. None the less, it sucks to be the recipient of such an e-mail when you feel you are doing what you can already to curb your child's behavior in the first place and are certainly trying to prevent him from hitting or pushing other children. It feels like a direct jab at my parenting, whether that was the intention or not.

It strikes me as a bit over the top that she carried on about the details like that like she was using the email about the party as an opportunity to get out some of her feelings about the incident. That seems like something she should have discussed with you separately and not in email form. It seems a bit passive aggressive, so I can see why you might feel a bit defensive and hurt.

But I wouldn't write them off over this alone. People get weird sometimes when it comes to their kids, myself included . Parenting can be kind of stressful and everyone does it differently and it can be hard to see where other people are coming from, and well it's just awkward sometimes.

Anyway, I think you've gotten some good advice so far and agree that skipping this would be best for everyone. Just tell them it would be too stressful and plan to get together for something more low key sometime.

[Alyantavid]

Originally Posted by Hoopin' Mama

If it were me I would say:
"thank you for being honest with me and helping to come up with solutions. However, it sounds stressful all around and perhaps we should get together again in the future when my son has outgrown the biting stage."

Also, you should be hypervigilant if your child is in a biting stage, and they should be ensuring their child doesn't get hurt. It all sounds reasonable to me, so I think just remain honest and open and hopefully no hard feelings will occur.

It sucks to be the one who's child get hurts, and it equally sucks to be the one with the child doing the hurting. It sounds like they are really trying to work it out.

That. I'd pick another time, without the big birthday party and long drive, to teach your child not to do these things.

It's hard though to be the mom of the biter/pusher. And I don't think people really get that unless they've been there. But it's equally hard to be the mom of the victim too. I hope it all works out and you can stay friends.

[wildflower18]

I guess I should have said that my husband didn't recall an incident as detailed as she described. Yes there were some scuffles (hugs can turn into "choking" and a child in the way of a toy may get pushed), typical in our minds for this age. We probably feel it's typical because we deal with it. Their son is sensitive and timid and so I'm sure they have a completely different viewpoint.

I also wanted to say that when he was biting, we were hypervigilant and often avoided outings because of his behavior or tried to be right there next to him. Regardless of how vigilant we were, other children got bit. We certainly don't want him pushing or hitting either and are vigilant, but we are not right next to him on the edge of our seat all the time with these behaviors. He is always within our view and we always respond, help to problem solve (as much as you can at this age), reprimand and redirect. If it becomes excessive he stays with us or we stay next to him or if we are in a setting where we can pack up and leave easily then that's what we do. It all depends on the setting, situation and behavior.

As for her flair in the e-mail....could be that she was venting a bit. She is a writer so I figured she was just being extravagant with her style, not realizing that on the receiving end it would feel a bit hurtful. Or maybe she was just trying to get her point across regarding how her son viewed the situation. Who knows.

madskye - thanks for the support! You helped me normalize the situation and not feel like an outcast! This too shall pass. It is just as someone said - awkward!

[riverscout]

Originally Posted by wildflower18

As for her flair in the e-mail....could be that she was venting a bit. She is a writer so I figured she was just being extravagant with her style, not realizing that on the receiving end it would feel a bit hurtful. Or maybe she was just trying to get her point across regarding how her son viewed the situation. Who knows.

That's the thing about passive aggressive notes, they leave the recipient feeling upset and attacked but then feeling like maybe they're being too sensitive and maybe the sender didn't really mean it that way...but maybe they did...or did they?

[Hoopin' Mama]

I've been in this situation, as the mother of the non-aggressive child (although not timid or overly sensitive), and it's tricky to navigate with friends. I never saw it as "typical" behavior because there was only one child in our lives doing it. Time passed and it all worked out.

Good luck!

[ollyoxenfree]

I think the e-mail was an appropriate and direct way of handling a difficult situation. It doesn't strike me as passive-aggressive at all. Passive-aggressive would have been to make a bunch of indirect comments about the best way to deal with misbehaving children, or how some parents can't control their kids, or finding a go-between to mediate between the 2 families.

I'd give the other mom the benefit of the doubt and figure that the details were included to reflect the seriousness of the problem from their point of view - and to deflect suggestions that the incidents are minor or tolerable.

I admire the other mom for addressing the problem directly - not passive-aggressively - and for being proactive with problem-solving so that if problems do arise during the visit, they can be dealt with quickly.

If she had the guts to raise the problem and invite discussion, I'm sure she has the guts to say she doesn't think a visit is a good idea at this stage. It sounds like she would like to preserve the friendship yet protect her child at the same time.

If you think the visit is a bad idea though, then I think she will understand. Let her know you understand too and you hope to try a visit again in 6 months or a year.

[tbone_kneegrabber]

Originally Posted by Hoopin' Mama

I've been in this situation, as the mother of the non-aggressive child (although not timid or overly sensitive), and it's tricky to navigate with friends. I never saw it as "typical" behavior because there was only one child in our lives doing it. Time passed and it all worked out.

Good luck!

I think we see a lot of posts from the "victims" on MDC. And I have a kid who is being pushed/hit/yelled at by another kid at school.

It took me 2 hours to write an email to the mom (who I like!) about the situation and find a way that didn't come off as passive aggressive. This other kid is the only kid at Ds's school that hits him over the head with sticks, or screams "shut your mouth" in his face, or says "I don't want to be around him. I'm allergic to him." So while i accept that it is normal developmental behavior, its not something that I am excited about inviting.

I think going into the details is a way that she is showing you her feelings of the situation. To you it seems typical of 3 years, because your 3 year does it (and it is typical), but to her it seems scary and extreme, because her 3 year old doesn't do it and is the one who gets hurt.

I think it was incredible mature of her to send an email detailing what they are going to prevention-wise and asking for your input on what your family could do prevention-wise. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if there is a thread on MDC right now called "My friend's kid pushes and bites, but I still want to invite them to Ds' bday. WWYD?" with response about sending an email with ideas!!!!

[limabean]

I'm sure it was difficult for her to get up the nerve to write and send that e-mail -- it's the kind of e-mail people here at MDC have suggested someone write to gently try to work out a solution to a problem like this.

It's fine if you think it'd be best not to go to the party -- I agree that a long drive and a birthday party atmosphere can be stressful for any child -- but I'd make it clear that you're not refusing to come because you're angry with her for sending the e-mail.

I'd say something like, "Thanks for your honesty, I know it's not easy to bring up stuff like that. We're really happy with DS's recent progress in this area, but a birthday party after a long drive might not be the best environment to test the waters -- how about we meet up for a more low-key get-together like a park outing soon? Hope your DS has a great time at his party!"

[riverscout]

I think the OP is a perfect example of why things like this should never be handled by email.

[Storm Bride]

Considering the two hour drive, I think I'd back out. Just as people have suggested upthread, I'd say something like, "I think this would be too stressful for ds, and he'd be more likely to act out in that situation. Maybe we could have a park playdate in the near future?". I'm sure she'll understand your concerns.

I also have to say that it doens't sound so much like the friend's son is afraid of the OP's ds hurting him again. It sounds like he's more emotionally hurt, because he thinks OP's ds doesn't like him. I, unfortunately, have an overly aggressive ds (he still - at almost 5 - seems oblivious to the fact that he's hurting people). Most kids who have been on the receiving end of it are fine with it - far, far less bothered than I am - once they figure out that his behaviour has nothing to do with disliking him. They don't like being hurt - but they really don't like feeling rejected, yk?