Toddler talking about dad, but he isnt here

[SeaDoula]

My daughter is just about 2.5 and has recently started going on and on about her "daddy" who she hasn't seen since she was maybe 5mo old. She is making things up, sort of like a child would about an imaginary friend. "my daddy say ______" and making a funny noise, then she laughs. Or "my daddy have green shirt." "my daddy call me" etc...

Naturally this really saddens me because we moved out of state, with his permission. He has expressed no desire to be in her life, wants parental rights terminated, etc.

Mostly though I am wondering, is this normal at her age to just be noticing something she doesn't have? Should I correct her (e.g. "your daddy didn't say that.") that seems mean... How should I respond?

It is even more interesting because we are now living with my boyfriend...things are going great, they have a good relationship. She has recently called him daddy a couple times. Normally she calls him by his name, but sometimes she says daddy. Should I correct her? How? I don't know how I feel about her calling him daddy.. but I know it is hard for her to understand.

[SoulCakes]

I wonder if she's actually referring to your boyfriend when she says, "My daddy..."

I don't know exactly what I would do in your situation, but I can tell you what a friend of mine did. Her DD's father was completely absent (his choice), and she started seeing someone when her DD was about your daughter's age. She eventually started calling him "daddy", too, and now he's the only father she's ever known. She does know that she has a different father, but they haven't discussed it much as far as I'm aware. I'm sure she'll have more questions when she's older (she's nine now).

I wish I had more advice to give, mama! In the meantime, I would try not to worry too much about her talking about her "daddy"--and maybe see if she doesn't mean your boyfriend.

[doubledutch]

my younger son totally did this, from ages 2.5-3, but he was always talking about his teachers and his school . . . he heard his older brother mention those things, and he made up very detailed stuff about his own. developmentally, it's the same behavior at the same age, even though the relationship / person in question is way different.

as for your boyfriend, i think the two of you should decide whether you're both comfortable with her saying that sometimes and just letting it go, or whether you'd prefer that she stick with his name. that would clarify whether you correct her or not.

i can see how this would be hard for you, but she sounds like a happy little girl. it's probably just play, and not an expression of anything being missing from her life.

[lyterae]

I'm entirely crashing in here... A friend of ours at daycare has 3 adopted children (she is a single mom), we babysat on evening and her son (age 4) spent almost an hour telling me about his "dad". He has an imaginary dad, who has a cabin and a dog, and they ride motorcycles,etc.. It seems very real to him.

[BunnySlippers]

I think it is pretty normal.

I would not let a child call a boyfriend dad though. Not until it was a real partnership and both of us were %100 sure he is engaged in fatherhood for her entire life.

[RiverSky]

My mother was a single parent for a few years from the time I was 1 until I was about 4. She said that for a while when I was 2, I started calling men in grocery stores "daddy" and that it was very embarrassing for her. She felt I had picked it up just from seeing other children calling men "daddy" and that perhaps I didn't fully understand what the term meant. We spoke another language at home, though (not English), so that might have added a little to the confusion.

[MariesMama]

What SoulCakes said. My DD hasn't seen or spoken with her bio-father in over a year, and before that she saw him once a month, if that. She started calling my BF "daddy" on her own. Kids see that families have a mom and a dad. Your DD probably put two and two together and figured, "this is my mom, so this must be my dad."

What you do about that, is up to you...

[SeaDoula]

Originally Posted by BunnySlippers

I think it is pretty normal.

I would not let a child call a boyfriend dad though. Not until it was a real partnership and both of us were %100 sure he is engaged in fatherhood for her entire life.

I think this is where I am at...my relationship with my boyfriend is going well but I wouldn't say we both are ready to take that step. I think it is one thing to have a father and have him leave, and another to never have one...I don't want to create both of those situations for her.

Thanks for all of your thoughts...it seems developmentally to be normal to me too, it just breaks my heart sometimes.

[Annie Mac]

Originally Posted by SeaDoula

I think this is where I am at...my relationship with my boyfriend is going well but I wouldn't say we both are ready to take that step. I think it is one thing to have a father and have him leave, and another to never have one...I don't want to create both of those situations for her.

Thanks for all of your thoughts...it seems developmentally to be normal to me too, it just breaks my heart sometimes.

Can I just chime in here, as a mother who has been through this, that it doesn't really matter whether or not you let her call your bf daddy, it's going to be difficult for her to emotionally differentiate...if he is playing the role of daddy and living with her, for all intents and purposes, that's her daddy.

When my daughter was 3, I moved in with my bf. I would have described it the same way as you, ie "not both ready to take that step." She only ever called him by name. When we broke up 3 years later, I think that was harder on her than her bio dad not being interested. I'm not going to tell you what you should be doing, but if I had to do it over again, in MY life, I wouldn't have moved in with the bf and had him get emotionally close with my kid. Not until we were both sure.

It seems that, at this age, children really bond with their dads, or their dad figures. I don't know what the science says, but real life seems to suggest this. And your dd seems to be at a bonding with daddy phase, based on her actions.

I'm no Dr. Laura...I'm not judging you for living with your bf. I don't think there's really anything wrong with that, just saying be careful. From my own experience, I wish I had been a little more cautious at that point.

[RollerCoasterMama]

I think it's normal. DS talks about his baby sister and brothers and new daddy all the time. I told STBX about "new daddy" because I didn't want to freak him out! He's had "new mommy" a couple of times too. "New daddy" is apparently great-grandpa . He has no sisters. He does have grown up half brothers who live on the other side of the country but he's never met. Oh, and his dogs. He has LOTS of dogs.

I think, esp if they're with other kids that talk about other family members, it's natural to talk about them too.

I understand how it would be uncomfortable, but I'd just go with it. It will probably phase out. I don't hear about "my new daddy" nearly as often recently.

[SeaDoula]

Originally Posted by Annie Mac

Can I just chime in here, as a mother who has been through this, that it doesn't really matter whether or not you let her call your bf daddy, it's going to be difficult for her to emotionally differentiate...if he is playing the role of daddy and living with her, for all intents and purposes, that's her daddy.

When my daughter was 3, I moved in with my bf. I would have described it the same way as you, ie "not both ready to take that step." She only ever called him by name. When we broke up 3 years later, I think that was harder on her than her bio dad not being interested. I'm not going to tell you what you should be doing, but if I had to do it over again, in MY life, I wouldn't have moved in with the bf and had him get emotionally close with my kid. Not until we were both sure.

It seems that, at this age, children really bond with their dads, or their dad figures. I don't know what the science says, but real life seems to suggest this. And your dd seems to be at a bonding with daddy phase, based on her actions.

I'm no Dr. Laura...I'm not judging you for living with your bf. I don't think there's really anything wrong with that, just saying be careful. From my own experience, I wish I had been a little more cautious at that point.

This is certainly how I am feeling currently. It is something I still wonder if I should have done, because obviously we care for each other and I am happy...but nothing is a sure thing in terms of our future together...and I know what it is like to both not have my dad in my life as well as have my mom's partners come and go.

I think it is something I need to continue to think about...