my sister and parenting issues

[Devaya]

Hi, not sure if this belongs in 'parenting' forum but it's more of a personal issues thing so I put it here. Basically my younger sister, who is not a parent, really disapproves of my parenting. She thinks I am overprotective of him (largely triggered by the fact that I waited more than a month after he met my sister - she moved here from our home country only last year - before leaving him with her). and she thinks I have no boundaries, no discipline, and am raising a brat.This despite the fact everywhere we go, people comment on how well-adjusted, confident and even well-behaved my 2 1/2 year old is, and what an obviously good and close relationship we have. My sister's judgment has long been a source of pain for me but I have managed to put it to one side as I found trying to talk about any issues with her only brought up extreme defensiveness.

She has been babysitting about once or twice a month for a year or so and my son is happy and comfortable with her (despite her views on how to bring up children!) Then yesterday she rang to say, could she bring her new boyfriend - who she's only just met in real life, had met him on the internet recently - with her when babysitting that night? We had arranged the babysitting weeks ago and the boyfriend was not in the equation at that point.

I asked if he could just stay at her place (he's staying at hers for a couple of weeks) for this one evening as I didn't feel comfortable with that, since I had not yet met him and her previous boyfriend was, I felt, very inappropriate with my son. Anyway she was HUGELY offended, as I expected, and immediately launched into attacking me and my parenting, saying 'You can't protect DS from people the rest of his life' etc etc...which clearly I am not doing since he has gone to daycare regularly, I leave him regularly with trusted friends, etc...But I just feel, he's at such an impressionable age right now that I want the adults around him to be - well, good examples I suppose, and I just don't know how this guy interacts and communicates with kids until I see him in action.

She then cancelled the babysitting claiming i was selfish to expect other people to 'shift their lives around' for me, and she was unwilling to sacrifice a few hours with her boyfriend to honour a pre-existing commitment to me and my son. I was due to go and do a course-work related thing (I'm a part time student) last night so this was a real let down - not just a matter of missing a night out. She also said I was selfish and ridiculous to always expect her to come to my house when babysitting, why couldn't I bring DS to her place (and then pick him up after he'd gone to sleep and take him home!) Anyway, I feel so upset about this and about the long-standing state of things that I feel like I just don't want to use her as a babysitter anymore, or indeed ever to see her really. May sound extreme but she is hostile to me in more ways than just over my parenting, and I always feel judged by her. She is unsupportive and regularly ridicules me in front of people.

Anyone been through similar situations? Have any advice? It really hurts because up until about 2 years ago we were very close, good friends and I feel like I've lost a friend and a sister. She changed radically when she became an atheist and started taking antidepressants a couple years ago, it really seemed to flatten her out emotionallly, and I actually dont know if I want someone that 'cut off' around my son.

[karika]

As harsh as it may sound, I think you are right. What i read was unrealistic on her part. Antidepressants are dangerous. I would not have anyone in my life on any mood altering pharmaceutical. I think they are very dangerous and unpredictable. I definitely would not leave my children with a person taking them. Before I had children I told my sis all she was doing wrong too. Most of what I said was the opposite of AP. I am very glad I was shown the truth when I had my children. I wish I had more to say, but I left my family 3000+ miles away. I still talk to my sister occasionally, although we are very different (she is religious and I am spiritual and so many diffs, but I am in hurry) and my mom... sometimes toxicity is best taken in very small, controlled doses, if at all...

[LynnS6]

As a matter of protecting your son, I think you're reasonable. First, if her boyfriend is there, she's not going to be as attentive. Second, you don't know this person, you haven't met him and you don't want to trust your son to him (especially since at 2 1/2 he's not going to really able to describe what went on). Have you read "Protecting the Gift"? Once you've met him and gotten to know him, then it's OK (if you feel comfortable around him).

If she ever has children her own, she might come to see your point of view. Until then, how much energy is it worth trying to change her views?

That, however, is a separate issue from antidepressants. If your sister is on antidepressants, then she's probably having some trouble in her life. The flat affect might be due to the antidepressants, or it might be a sign of her depression. If you value your relationship, you might just want to skirt the issue of parenting and ask her how she's doing.

Originally Posted by karika

Antidepressants are dangerous. I would not have anyone in my life on any mood altering pharmaceutical. I think they are very dangerous and unpredictable. I definitely would not leave my children with a person taking them.

As someone who's been on antidepressants, I'm highly offended by this comment. Antidepressants are sometimes medically necessary. There is danger in having a severely depressed mother who is untreated as well. My siblings' lives were irrevocably altered by my mother's severe depression (not for the better) At the time, there was no treatment for her. There is for me, and I'm grateful. I'm not going to do that to my children.

[Devaya]

Thank you, Karika. It is such a relief to hear I am not alone in feeling uncomfortable with the anti-depressants. It seriously has been a radical personality change since she's been on them. She's admitted that she cannot 'feel' like she used to. .I have noticed that her sensitivity to my son has been lacking at times, but on the whole she's been lovng so I ignored it - I guess it's that whole thing of 'but it's my sister' that was blinding me a bit.

LynnS6, I agree that antidepressants are often necessary and the lesser of two evils if someone is really not coping - I wouldnt presume to judge since I have not been depressed myself. My sister has basically gone on them mainly for anxiety and depressive episodes a couple years ago and has told me more than once she is happy to be on them the rest of her life without addressing her issues in any other way - ie therapy etc. She sees them as solving her problems. I have tried talking to my sister about how she is and she is just completely non responsive. I don't feel that I'm trying to change her views, just standing my ground on what I will and won't accept...I know she's not going to change her mind because of anything I say. Still, it is frustrating!

You have a good point about her being less attentive if the boyfriend is there - that was exactly part of my reasoning. The whole dynamic is just different. Will check out that book - sounds interesting.

Karika, you hit the nail on the head with the word 'toxicity'. I moved away from my family 6 years ago - not just to get away from them, but to move to a country I wanted to live in - and it was the best move ever. My mom is also toxic, though she loves me she is very interfering and lacks boundaries at times...and is very negative in general. The real turning point came when I discovered emails between my sister and her last year gossiping about my parenting and being very judgmental...that really hurt though I know it was my own fault for reading stuff I shouldn't have! So, partly what makes me afraid of cutting my sister off is my mother's reaction - she's always been closer to my sister than to me and I can just imagine them talking over how extreme and irrational I am. I guess I needn't make a big 'You're cut off' statement, I can just avoid her, but in a way I feel a big sense of relief with what's happened, awful as it's been, bc her behaviour has been worrying me for a while and now I can finally confront her about it.

It's tricky b/c I am a single mother and while DS's dad is up for taking him quite a lot, he works shifts and full time so this is quite limited. I have relied on my sister but now I need to look into other options. Am thinking of my ex's sister who I'm still on very good terms with, and has always shown willingness to help (and has two kids of her own who my son loves). Ultimately I would like to hire someone but it just costs so much!

[karika]

Originally Posted by LynnS6

As someone who's been on antidepressants, I'm highly offended by this comment. Antidepressants are sometimes medically necessary. There is danger in having a severely depressed mother who is untreated as well. My siblings' lives were irrevocably altered by my mother's severe depression (not for the better) At the time, there was no treatment for her. There is for me, and I'm grateful. I'm not going to do that to my children.

I believe there is always another answer. Firstly in diet. Then in Vitamin D levels and minerals. Also herbs and natural methods. Pharmaceuticals are never the answer IMO . my first husband started taking pharmaceutical pills after our divorce, at his parents request. He committed suicide. He was a confident man that had never been suicidal at all. I do not believe in their safety at all based on the evidence of the cover-ups by the makers and the fact that many people 'are not themselves' after beginning them (according to those closest to them).

Food is the number one thing that affects us. It may seem 'medically necessary' because of the foods being ingested. For a long time, people were diagnosed with GBS and celiacs disease, and now we know it is just the body reacting to certain types of foods... By changing the diet, dramatic things can happen. Simple things like msg and other chemicals (aspartame, preservatives, etc) in the food can produce weird things in the brain. Also, having too much bad bacteria and yeast on the brain. Many people also overlook the possibility of cannabis ( a natural plant, given by the earth, that has been demonized since it cannot be produced in a lab and money made from it) in the treatment of pain and depression also.

It sounded like the OP has noticed a change in her sister since she began taking them. A change she does not find to be positive. I am stating my opinion on following her gut on that.

[Raine822]

I understand, I'm going through issues with me mother. She stopped talking to us after attacking DH and I(in a letter) for how horrible we are(which means she doesn't get her way in raising our kids). Lots of that story are in other posts of mine.

[choli]

Originally Posted by karika

As harsh as it may sound, I think you are right. What i read was unrealistic on her part. Antidepressants are dangerous. I would not have anyone in my life on any mood altering pharmaceutical. I think they are very dangerous and unpredictable. I definitely would not leave my children with a person taking them. Before I had children I told my sis all she was doing wrong too. Most of what I said was the opposite of AP. I am very glad I was shown the truth when I had my children. I wish I had more to say, but I left my family 3000+ miles away. I still talk to my sister occasionally, although we are very different (she is religious and I am spiritual and so many diffs, but I am in hurry) and my mom... sometimes toxicity is best taken in very small, controlled doses, if at all...

You may find that you will change your mind about people who take antidepressants some day just as you did about AP.

[karika]

Originally Posted by choli

You may find that you will change your mind about people who take antidepressants some day just as you did about AP.

There have been NO long term studies on that genre of pharmaceutical. There are numerous adverse effects (many have DEATH listed as a side effect). Most inserts say there is an increased likelihood of suicide. The side effects make them unreliable. Check out this organization for info about what is happening.
http://chaada.org/
If you or someone you know is on a substance that alters your brain chemistry, consider talking to a nutritionist or a naturopath that can get the offending foods out of the diet and get you on track with the proper natural supplements. Pharma does not have the interests of the people at heart. They do not care if the drugs are untested and unsafe. If a drug had been on the market for 50 years and was well documented and people weren't committing suicide and cutting themselves and other things on them (driving without memory of the event for instance), then I would hear the research on that. But the truth is, the pills are the same as other western medicine practices IMO, they cover up or change something that is due to something being ingested or exposed to. Western medicine is not interested in the cause, they just give something to change it, to cover it up.

For instance, if there is a lithium imbalance in one's brain, the western approach is to give lithium. The same thing can be accomplished with diet.
Eggs, Lemons, Natural brines, Potatoes, Sugar Cane, and other Vegetables are rich in lithium. Herbs rich in lithium are Plant ash (shale), Seaweed, and Tobacco. One could also look at what may be affecting the body and depleting or blocking the absorption of lithium. I am not a expert on lithium, I just chose that as a hypothetical.

Many people that are depressed can benefit greatly from vitamin D supplementation, and going to a clean, organic diet with no chemicals. For instance, diet sodas are part of what causes depression. I am not sure if it is the aspartame, the caffeine or the preservatives and colorings... but they can cause severe depression. So no chemicals of any kind. No HFCS, no GMO products. Switch to no milk (gradually) or raw milk. The sadness of the mother cow(from having her calf taken at birth for the veal trade) is coming through their food and affecting the human race on the cellular level. Same with meat. The level of sadness stays in the meat from being raised 6 to a tiny pen (pork, yes even organic, unless it is a free range farmer) and killed in a in inhumane manner. Eat more living foods (raw) and feel more alive!

Please, if anyone is reading this and they or someone they know is on these dangerous pharmaceuticals, begin to wean from them (with the help of whoever prescribed them, never stop taking your prescription suddenly) and change your diet to get the same effect or better, without the nightmares and lack of feeling.

[LavenderMae]

Devaya, I think your sister is in the wrong on this one. I think you had every right to ask her not to bring her boyfriend that she barely knows and you don't know at all. And I disagree that you shouldn't be protecting your son, he's only 2.5 for cripes sake. Bottom line is that your request was reasonable her response was not.

However, your assumption that your sister becoming an atheist and taking antidepressants have made her flat emotionally/cutt off is your own bias coloring things.

[Drummer's Wife]

OP, I wouldn't cut my sister out of my life because of this - I wouldn't ask her to babysit, though, either. It sounds like she'd rather spend time with her new boyfriend (understandable) and since she can't be with him and her niece at the same time, she is sad and reacting a bit harsher than maybe she should.

That said, I don't think it has anything to do with starting anti-depressants or being atheist. That's silly, IMO. Plenty of people who are religious and un-medicated would act the same, if not worse - I don't see how they are connected, except that you noticed a change in her. part of that is probably growing and navigating the world - not excusing her behavior, but I wouldn't blame meds or atheism.

Karika, I disagree with a lot of what you said - but thank you for using paragraphs.

[Devaya]

LavenderMae and Drummer's Wife, fair points. I think, yes, she felt a bit torn b/c she wanted desperately to be with her boyfriend and she doesn't have long with him since he lives in another country. I'm not saying that atheism and medication are specifically CAUSING this decision of my sister's, rather that it's part of a general trend of changed behaviour I've noticed since she took those pathways in life...a trend that makes it difficult to communicate with her because being cut off emotionally, (as she herself admits), she can't relate and be empathic to the degree she used to be able to. I don't think it's just the meds - I know someone else very well who has been on them for a while and although she finds it harder to cry, she's still a very sensitive, 'present', person in my opinion. I think my sister had these tendencies to begin with but when she had some spirituality in her life (whatever form - I'm not religious either) she was able to look inward and try to be aware of things - since becoming atheist and going on the meds (it happened at roughly the same time) she just basically is not interested in working on herself or taking responsibility for her emotional issues. Instead it's a game of blame and projection. Not saying that atheism or antidepressants make people in general like that - it's just how they've interacted with her particular personality. I have known her for 27 years after all.

As for cutting her off, well it's more a thing of, do I want this negativity in my life? Everytime I see her it's a battle to connect and communicate and I have to pretty much do it on her terms or I'm cut off. She has a negative view of life and the world and I'm currently going through changes in my life where I feel strongest having people who are supportive and positive around me, people who are in touch with themselves etc. Just bc she's my sister doesn't mean I need to necessarily have her in my life. So I don't know...but I won't be asking her to babysit anymore.

[BeckyBird]

Devaya, I agree with your decision. Your sister did not carry a baby for 9 months in her womb, give birth, and spend every waking minute with a baby. She has no idea what it feels like to be in your position. It is so easy for her to judge you, because she has no clue why you are so protective.

Maybe you don't have to cut her off completely, but it might be good to spend less time with her. Until she grows up or stops criticizing you so much. You don't need any negativity and stress around you or your child.

[LROM]

Sounds like most of us at least agree that you're smart to stop letting/asking your sister to babysit your son, AND that the issue of her poor judgement (wanting to bring a guy she barely knows into your home and around your son?? That is very poor jugement on many levels) is a different track from her depression/anti-depressants/flat affect, athough they all may be connected.

Do you at least now feel confident in never using her as a babysitter again? If she disagrees with your choices so much and doesn't understand them, even if teh boyfriend thing hadn't happened, how much do you really want her around your son anyway?

But if you used to have a good relationship, it is worth it to take a PPs advice and simply ask her how she is and check in with her. If she's hostile, then maybe take a break from her for awhile (after telling her that when she's hostile it pushes you away), but you don't have to decide now that you're cutting her off forever.

Last thing, and this is me really just posing a possibility, I don't know enough at all about your family to confidently say this but here's a guess: sounds like your mom and sister are jealous of you, of your choices, of your desire to be in a non-toxic environment, maybe even jealous of your parenting. When people gossip and criticize and are so negative, it's oftgen because the behavior or person they're being negative about threatens them. So just keep in mind that if you feel left out or inferiour or rejected by them, it may ironically be the opposite of what you think is going on. They may wish they were more like you deep down inside! That's a strong gut feeling I have about how you describe the dynamics.

But in the meantime... no more babysitting from her!

[Devaya]

BeckyBird, that's it exactly. She just doesn't know what is normal for a mother to feel.

LROM, thank you for your insight - I had never thought of it that way, that perhaps my sister and mother are jealous...it's certainly been a pattern in my life of destructive jealous female friends at times (not recently however - I don't tend to attract toxic people like that anymore thankfully!) so I wouldn't be surprised if it was set up in my home life.

I do feel more confident about no longer having her babysit, so thanks everyone. It's really helpful to bounce things off people here at MDC. I guess I had been having misgivings for a while but this was the last straw... I was turning a blind eye to her lack of alignment with my parenting values b/c I reckoned, well, how many people ARE going to be exactly on board with extended breastfeeding, co-sleeping, gentle discipline, 'authentic parenting' etc etc... my son's world would be very narrow if I only associated with such people (although my real 'mom friends' are all from this 'camp') and if I only allowed people who espoused these ideas to look after him, I'd be left without much support at all (for e.g. his dad is seldom on the same 'page' as me either...but that's another story!) and completely burning out. But there's an issue of basic poor judgement here as you point out, LROM, and that's made me think: could I trust her to exert proper judgment if for instance he suddenly took ill or a real discipline issue arose or something like that? I just don't know. I know she'll think I'm a total fanatic if I tell her she's not babysitting anymore...but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

[windsorheightsmom]

Just wanted to chime in: definitely do get another baby-sitting arrangement, but don't cut your sister totally out of your life over this. When I was in college I told someone I thought it was terrible to let babies/kids sleep in the parents' bed--now guess who's been co-sleeping for years? Your sister may realize one day (if she has kids) how ridiculous her current opinions about your parenting are. So she's not a lost cause, but you certainly don't want a baby-sitter who is attacking/not respecting your values.

As a practical matter, I would not officially "fire" her by telling her she's never baby-sitting anymore. I would just find someone else, start using someone else, and then if she asks when you need her to baby-sit, explain that you will keep her in mind but for now you've got things covered with someone who finds it convenient to come to your place, etc. If she acts offended, make it sound like you're surprised, because you got the impression that she found your previous arrangement too inconvenient. Don't start a big fight over her lack of respect for your parenting values, etc.

[rlmueller]

All meds aside. Don't have someone babysit who is not willing to conform to your parenting philosophy, values, and requirements so long as your child is in their care. That's just part of finding good childcare. It does take some doing.

[nola79]

Originally Posted by rlmueller

All meds aside. Don't have someone babysit who is not willing to conform to your parenting philosophy, values, and requirements so long as your child is in their care. That's just part of finding good childcare. It does take some doing.

This.

[Magelet]

(I definitely think that anti-deppressents have their place as a short term fix while long term issues are addressed, including diet, but I have to say, it IS possible that the anti-deppressants are making her "flat". The depression could as well, but I know on when I was on anti-depressants, I did feel flat. I couldn't feel that much. It didn't just numb the depression, but it numbed anger, sadness, happiness, excitement. I didn't laugh much, and I rarely cried. I did feel flat.)

[RiverTam]

Originally Posted by karika

For instance, if there is a lithium imbalance in one's brain, the western approach is to give lithium. The same thing can be accomplished with diet.

Your advice is 1) wrong and 2) dangerous. Lithium isn't something prescribed just because someone is "feeling blue." It's prescribed for serious mental illness, such as bipolar disorder. If bipolar disorder could be controlled with diet alone, it would be controlled by diet alone. I have a number of bipolar people in my family and they are dangerous when they are off their medication. Diet alone doesn't work. It can help, but it doesn't work alone.

I'm all for diet and exercise and sunshine as a first step for controlling unipolar depression, but it doesn't always work alone. For patients with severe depression, pills are often necessary as a short term fix.

It is true that SSRIs and tricylics don't seem to work for mild to moderate depression, leaving diet and exercise as the only other solutions.

I'm sorry about your ex, but sometimes depressed people commit suicide, regardless of whether they're on antidepressants or not.

[tanyam926]

These two statements really jumped out at me:

Originally Posted by Devaya

But I just feel, he's at such an impressionable age right now that I want the adults around him to be - well, good examples I suppose...

and

May sound extreme but she is hostile to me in more ways than just over my parenting, and I always feel judged by her. She is unsupportive and regularly ridicules me in front of people.

You sister is in direct opposition to the kind of person you want around your son.

You are 100% justified in trying to protect your child, that is your job as a mother. I am sure that your sister's dissaproval hurts you, that is understandable, but try to set that aside and allow yourself to feel validated in your protection of your son and to be able to trust your instincts.

You love your child so you make decisions based on that love for your child. If anyone is so vehemently opposed to YOU making decisions for YOUR OWN child then they don't have your child's best interests in mind, IMO. It is one thing to have differences in opinion, another thing to attack and ridicule you for doing what you think is best.

I really want to encourage you to trust your instincts about not letting her babysit anymore. You said you have other friends who could fill that role if needed so I think it's best to let your sis have some space.

Just bc someone is family does not mean they have free license to treat you badly. You also don't want your son to see his mother being treated in such a disrespectful and hurtful way, it will hurt him in one way or another.

(((Hugs))) to you. I know it must hurt to have such a confusing and difficult relationship w/your sis. I am also experiencing a rough time w/my own sister right now and it pains me to think that I don't know her like I thought I did.