Troubleshooting a Friendship between 5 Year Olds

[rootzdawta]

A little backstory: I'm homeschooling my ds. One of my biggest challenges so far has been finding a steady group of friends for us. I'm more worried about him not having friends his age to hang out with though and I'm working very hard to meet and connect with other families. Anyway, he does have one friend. We met over a year ago and we've been hanging tough. We do hikes, playdates at the playground, museums, all kinds of things together. But this is his one and only consistent friend. And they fight and bicker like brothers but they have good times too when they play like they actually enjoy being around each other. Most of the times . . . I don' t know. It seems pretty tortuous.

His friend has just learned to ride a two-wheeler. My son is still on training wheels and isn't really in a rush to get to a two-wheeler because I have not framed training wheels as a "baby" thing. I've said to him that once he's on two wheels we can ride together but that's as far as I've taken it. His friend's father (who is also his main caregiver and is homeschooling) didn't frame it that way. Yesterday was the first time we had a playdate where ds' friend brought the two-wheel bike. So I know there was probably some taunting and stuff of my son going on (and his friend does that a lot about many things). He generally doesn't give ds his personal space which is a huge source of frustration for ds. His friend is better about backing off if his dad is there but yesterday at the playground ds' friend was with his mom. They got into a fist fight twice. After the first fight, I talked to my son who was very upset and told him to just ride his bike and ignore his friend. That it's not about who is going faster or who has training wheels but about having fun. (DS' friends mom was king of oblivious.) DS has expressed unhappiness before about others being faster on their bikes and I have been able to redirect his attention to what's going on with him but ds doesn't seem able to ignore it or just move away if folks are bothering him or making a big deal out of being faster than him. And I know it's probably because he's four. I just had to pull the plug on the playdate. And ds couldn't wait to go home. He didn't ask for 5 more minutes. Or just one more go round. Nothing. Just started pedaling toward the car, got there, hopped in, strapped himself into his car seat and told me to put on the Nate the Great audiobook.

I felt horrible. I'm trying so hard to find him some more friends but meanwhile, I'm trying to troubleshoot this one. I expect some competitiveness. I expect the kids to be 4/5 year olds. But sheesh, it just seems like ds has very little fun and a lot of frustration. And I'm kind of at a loss of what to do. I believe the only person we have control over is ourselves and so I've been trying to convey that message to ds. I just don't think he gets it at his age.

Also, ds may have been tired yesterday at this playdate. Maybe he would have been more amenable to working things out with his friend if it were earlier in the day?

Any insight?

[redpajama]

First of all, if it's bothering your son that other kids can ride faster on two wheels, have you asked him if he'd like to learn to ride that way? My guess is that most typically-developing 4-or-5-year-olds possess the balance, strength and coordination to ride a bike. I say this as someone whose 5.5-year-old still uses training wheels/balance bike, but he doesn't have a desire to learn right now, because he prefers the "safe" feeling of not tipping over. [I've noticed, though, that he often chooses to ride a scooter (which he can ride really fast) when his two-wheel-riding friends are biking; that way he can keep up.]

Beyond that, if I were in the same situation with my son and a friend, I would probably just affirm the little boy (since that's probably what he's looking for) by saying, "Wow, _______, you are really fast on your bike! You look like you're having a lot of fun!" or something, and not make a big issue out of it. If my son was still upset, I'd probably talk to him about it later and point out some of the things he's particularly good at, just as his friend is particularly good at riding his bike.

My son doesn't seem to take issue with the differing abilities of his friends and himself, but he often gets upset when he sees his friends being allowed to do things he cannot--most recently this has been drinking soda and playing a lot of video games. He tells me it's "not fair" that they're allowed and he's not. And I usually just remind him that there are probably things I allow him to do that his friends' parents may not--such as staying up late, or using my camera or computer, or whatever--and that parents just make different decisions about those things. He doesn't love it, but he moves on.

Lastly, I think you should consider the possibility that your kid and this other kid just don't really "click." The bike incident alone wouldn't concern me, but if your son feels ambivalent about playing with him, maybe he just doesn't like him. Five is certainly old enough to have clear preferences about friends, and maybe this just isn't a good fit. But I wouldn't let a little bragging/teasing about the bike stop you all from hanging out if it seems like an otherwise good match.

[rootzdawta]

Thanks for replying, redpajama!

Even when everyone was on training wheels, my son's friend was faster. I was able to help my son see that even though his friend was faster on the bike, there were other things that ds could do that are great and also to help him to focus on the fact that he just likes riding his bike because it's fun to ride. He hasn't really asked to have the training wheels off and I don't get the sense that he wants them off. But if he did say so, I would take them off with no problem (especially since when he gets them off, we can bike together on my favorite but not training wheel friendly bike path).

I think you have made a great point about affirming my son's friend! A really excellent point that I hadn't thought of even though I *know* that as a strategy I learned a long time ago to discourage bullying in school (although I don't think my son is being bullied). That may be exactly what he needs.

And yes, I've thought about the possibility that they just don't "click". It's making me anxious though because there's really a dearth of 4/5/6 year olds to play with! I'm scrambling to find new venues where he could possibly make friends and wish our neighborhood was more of a community.

Oh, and I don't really know for sure if differing abilities bothers my son. He doesn't seem to mind if other kids swim better in his swim class or play basketball better in his basketball class. It only seems to bother him in relation to his friend.

[newbymom05]

I agree w/ the 'maybe they don't click' theory. I have a 5 y/o and he has a BFF for the last year and a half. Our families have become pretty close, and if the boys had their way, they'd spend 24/7 together. I notice they'll bicker after about 4 hrs of togetherness. They've never had a fistfight/gotten physical out of anger, and although they have different abilities (mine can ride a bike, other can jump off a diving board, etc), I don't recall them ever teasing the other about it. Quite the contrary--the one who can will comfort the other and offer to help him learn. So the fact that the other boy teases your son would be enough for me to start friend shopping. JM2C.

It's tough. Before we met BFF, his friend was the son of my best friend. They never clicked. It stunk, and every playdate seemed to end w/ me explaining to DS why the other kid acted the way he did. I'm almost happy my friend moved away, b/c then the new friend just kind of took his place and no one's feelings got hurt. In hindsight, I feel like I made DS be the other kid's friend, both b/c I recognized he needed someone to play w/, and because I liked the mom.

Since you're homeschooling, can you join some h/s groups? I met our BFF through a homeschooling group. I've found groups through Meetup and Yahoo. We belong to 4 different groups, and it's all so that my kids can meet same-age friends. My DS1 is actually going to school next year, mainly b/c he so wants to go, and he so wants to go b/c he wants other kids to play w/.

G/L!

[kristin0713]

Lastly, I think you should consider the possibility that your kid and this other kid just don't really "click."

DITTO. My DD doesn't have a lot of friends, either, that we do playdates with consistently. Since she doesn't go to preschool and our long-term goal is to homeschool, she hasn't had the exposure to tons of kids the way some have already had at her age (4yo.) But we have had enough different playdates to see that some kids click well right off the bat, and some just don't. IMO, *constant* bickering, physical fighting and "a lot of frustration" should not be the norm among friends at that age. Sometimes, yes, that happens--especially if the kids are tired, hungry, or have just been hanging out for too long. But if it is happening a LOT, I would limit the playdates with this little guy and find some other friends for your DS.

As an example, last week we went to visit friends out of state and stayed with them in their home for 4 days. Our older girls are the same age, 4yo, born one week apart. The girls played WONDERFULLY the entire time. Aside from when they needed a little intervention with sharing certain toys or dress up items, I don't think they did anything that I would consider "bickering" or "fighting" all week--not once! Now, I know it might be different among 4yo girls and 5yo boys, but I can say that we gotten together with other families where I am CERTAIN that four days of the kids together would have been disastrous. And my DD and her friend are both very strong-willed kids. But it is obvious that their personalities mesh well and, at this age, that is what makes a good playmate for your child.

I'm not saying that you shouldn't ever have your son hang out with this kid. But consistently, I really think he needs some other friends. Check with your local homeschool network. I know it is hard to get plugged in with co-ops and things before the kids are older, but you can find out if there are any families with kids your DS' age and take it from there.

Good luck

[VisionaryMom]

I agree on the "not clicking." I've also realized that sometimes when I get along with parents, it's taken long to accept that the kids don't get along - esp. when they seem eager to want to see each other at times.

As for the bike, how does your son react? I have a friend whose child is really uncoordinated in general. As a result, he cannot ride either his balance bike or pedal bike very fast. He tries really hard, and he can ride now. He's still very slow, though - by far the slowest of the children we know. He gets very upset that he's slow and insists that the other kids wait for him. DS doesn't want to wait because a) it's not fair to expect everyone else to slow down and b) it's actually hard to balance while you're barely pedaling because someone else is this slow. So, what comes across to the mom is that the other kids "brag" about being fast because they fly by her kid. What I get from my son is that he doesn't always want to have to "wait up" on this child. So it's possible there are issues with both kids. For me, the answer has been to tell the other mom that we need to reduce bike-riding dates. Their son brings his bike everywhere (often at the parents' suggestion, I think, and not his desire), and it was getting tiring to have him crying over my children not being willing to accommodate him each time we saw each other.

[rootzdawta]

Originally Posted by newbymom05

In hindsight, I feel like I made DS be the other kid's friend, both b/c I recognized he needed someone to play w/, and because I liked the mom.

Since you're homeschooling, can you join some h/s groups? I met our BFF through a homeschooling group. I've found groups through Meetup and Yahoo. We belong to 4 different groups, and it's all so that my kids can meet same-age friends. My DS1 is actually going to school next year, mainly b/c he so wants to go, and he so wants to go b/c he wants other kids to play w/.

G/L!

Yes, I sometimes feel like this is a default friendship and one that probably wouldn't have been formed without the engineering on my part. We have recently joined some HS groups and I am slowly connecting with people. I am not the most outgoing person and it really takes a lot out of me to constantly keep trying to get playdates and outings together. But hopefully, the more groups I join and activities I do, things will start to flow more naturally.

Originally Posted by kristin0713

I'm not saying that you shouldn't ever have your son hang out with this kid. But consistently, I really think he needs some other friends. Check with your local homeschool network. I know it is hard to get plugged in with co-ops and things before the kids are older, but you can find out if there are any families with kids your DS' age and take it from there.

Good luck

Thank you! I totally agree.

Originally Posted by VisionaryMom

I agree on the "not clicking." I've also realized that sometimes when I get along with parents, it's taken long to accept that the kids don't get along - esp. when they seem eager to want to see each other at times.

As for the bike, how does your son react? I have a friend whose child is really uncoordinated in general. As a result, he cannot ride either his balance bike or pedal bike very fast. He tries really hard, and he can ride now. He's still very slow, though - by far the slowest of the children we know. He gets very upset that he's slow and insists that the other kids wait for him. DS doesn't want to wait because a) it's not fair to expect everyone else to slow down and b) it's actually hard to balance while you're barely pedaling because someone else is this slow. So, what comes across to the mom is that the other kids "brag" about being fast because they fly by her kid. What I get from my son is that he doesn't always want to have to "wait up" on this child. So it's possible there are issues with both kids. For me, the answer has been to tell the other mom that we need to reduce bike-riding dates. Their son brings his bike everywhere (often at the parents' suggestion, I think, and not his desire), and it was getting tiring to have him crying over my children not being willing to accommodate him each time we saw each other.

My son seems to have my husband's trait of taking his time to do things and savoring doing them. DS is not *terribly* slow on the bike and he likes his own pace. Like for example, if we are bike riding all alone, he will never say, "Man, I wish I could go faster." But his friend goads him, cuts him off, generally violates his personal space. So he's not asking his friend to wait for him but his friend won't just go on ahead and ride his bike and let DS be. It was only after about 4 or 5 times bike riding with his friend that he said he didn't want to do it anymore because his friend goes faster. But what I could see was that he started to feel pressured to compete/go faster because when I told him to just focus on himself having fun, he was all right with that.

(((sigh)))I know the solution is more friends. So I'm keeping my fingers crossed, making phone calls, and sending e-mails!