Sometimes I feel like I'm raising a psychopath, please give me some perspective

[Flower of Bliss]

DD1 is 3 y 10 months. She's very verbal, very social, very strong willed, spirited, and opinionated (definitely my child). She is often very sweet and loving. She has very little impulse control (which we're working on, and I understand is age appropriate). She will lash out when angry or frustrated - swatting or even kicking and hitting. I get the brunt of most of it, though she does periodically hit her friends (again, we're working on it). Although it isn't always easy, I understand that this is all normal 3 year old stuff. DD2 is 10 months and just starting to really get into DD1s stuff, which I know is a normal second phase of new baby trouble. That said, DD1 absolutely adores her baby sister and they generally play really really well together.

Here's where I get worried: she seems to have NO concept of remorse. None. She apologizes, quickly and easily, but she doesn't seem to really feel sorry. She says "I'm sorry" in a happy up beat tone. It's like she expects it to make my anger disappear. I'm not into forced apologies. This is something she mostly picked up on her own. It feels like an act, a game, a performance.

She's also quite taken with her own reflection. I doubt that's too weird, but sometimes it's unnerving. She watches her reflection in windows all the time. She can see herself in a window by our dinner table and during dinner we end up closing the blinds to encourage her to look at US when talking to us instead of looking at her reflection. She does the normal making faces in the mirror thing, but she also likes to watch her reflection while misbehaving or throwing a fit. I feel like she's often performing for herself.

Yesterday morning while taking a shower I heard my DD2 cry in the next room. I paused and listened carefully. She sounded angry, not hurt - like DD1 had taken her toys. It stopped quickly - like DD1 had given back her toy. I continued with my shower. As soon as I turned off the shower, DD1 walked in and announced "L stopped crying" I asked why she was crying, and DD1 turned to the mirror and said "Oh, she cried lots of times" Again I asked why, and she replied "Because I was tapping her, and banging her and stuff like that" all directed at the mirror in a cheerful singsong voice with her head tilted and everything DD2 was absolutely fine, and pretty cheerful when I walked in to see her. Tapping means lightly tapping, usually while singing in rhythm. Sometimes DD2 loves this, other times she doesn't. Banging is likely harder tapping, or perhaps hitting. DD1 wasn't saying she was angry or frustrated, and didn't seem that way. In all honesty, I'm not sure that DD2 did cry "lots of times". It was that DD1 really enjoyed telling me while watching herself. She wasn't sorry she'd hurt her sister. She was happy to watch herself report the issue. The whole thing creeped me out. This wasn't the first time she's behaved that way.

Now, I can keep them seperate while I shower. It's not that I'm unsure how to keep DD2 safe. I'm simply concerned about DD1's completely lack of remorse, and the pleasure she seems to take in the performance aspect of misbehavior.

When do children learn empathy and remorse? How can I help her learn it? What can I do about the obsession with her reflection?

[quietserena]

My two older are about that age (3 3/4 and 18 months) apart and I totally understand. I don't think they are psychopaths (most days...)

The only thing that I can recommend is prevention. I don't dare shower while it's just me and the girls anymore because my older one has started to hit and throw things and just not be as gentle with her sister. I had recently realized I was treating her as if she were older because she is so verbal so I'm actively trying to treat her as if she were 2. It has eased our relationship some and I prevent more issues than I used to but I still haven't figured out how to stop her from randomly throwing things. *sigh* it's a work in progress.

I don't know about the performing for the reflection. Mine does look into the glass on the fireplace a lot and does seem taken by it but it doesn't last. Could it be just one of those phases that they go through?

Do you think she would enjoy being enrolled in some kids theater group? It might take care of some of that need to perform.

[ssh]

I think little kids react weirdly to guilt so it's hard to tell what they are feeling. Also 3.5 is an age when they crave attention so much they often do things just for a reaction. Also preschoolers say really strange things. It sounds like your DD is kin of 'performing' for you and is enjoying your attention probably more than her refection. I wouldn't worry about her mental health based on this behavior. It still sounds like a normal attention seeking behavior.

My DD started showing empathy and remorse right after turning 3. She's the only child still at home so she doesn't share our attention. I think that makes a big difference in attention seeking behaviors. Also we don't get an apology right away. Our DD has to calm down so it's usually later and sometimes several times for the same occurrence.

[Starflower]

Does your DD show empathy in any other situations? With animals that get hurt or other people maybe?

My DD is older than yours, and is very empathetic with other people, but lately has been yelling at me and DH like she's a teen instead of almost 7. If she apologizes after we express being hurt, she says it in an angry manner.

DD also likes to sometimes watch herself in the mirror, but not nearly to the extent you describe. We have had DD in theater class and really, it's been great for her. We put her in because she is very dramatic about everything.

I think I would wait it out a bit and model empathy. If she doesn't seem to be outgrowing it as a phase and/or you continue to be concerned, then I would consider consulting a therapist.

[Flower of Bliss]

Ok, now that I think about it, she does show empathy pretty well if she is not the cause of the hurt. If another child is crying, she often tries to make them feel better, by trying to hug them or bring them something, or whatever. She's done that from very early on. When her sister is upset, she'll drop everything to go over to her and try to help her feel better, bringing her toys, shaking her rattle for her, and such. She also often tries very hard to include new kids in things (especially in a class type setting). She's in both Kindermusik and a low key dance/gymnastics class - both of which have a performance aspect to them, though it's not the focus of either one. She's at home full time, but she sees other kids quite often (at least 4 days a week, usually more). Really she's such a sweet, loving, outgoing kid most of the time.

Maybe the lack of remorse is really more what ssh said - preschoolers say weird things and it's hard to know how their really feeling. That certainly rings very true for DD1.