5 yo dd saying 'I want to be skinnier'

[proudmamanow]

This is killing me mamas
I have had issues with eating disorders, emotional eating etc. in the past. As an adult I am really working to come to terms with my body and be happy with my body while also trying to be healthy.
I have been extremely diligent about not transmitting negative attitudes about food to my girls. We don't ever talk about weight, weight loss, diets (except maybe to say that you are too heavy to swing around like your little sister--so only in simple factual terms). We are careful that relatives don't talk about it either (particularly my mom, who has issues, and has passed on some unhealthy attitudes to me). We don't pressure our girls to eat, use food as a reward etc. Though both girls have a sweet tooth & love treats, and we do limit treats to one dessert after dinner.

Okay so 3 nights ago, we're getting ready for bed when dd says 'I want to be skinnier, mama! I wish I was more skinny!' Dd is tall for her age and healthy, not overweight or underweight. I tried not to freak out too much, saying you are beautiful...you are perfect & healthy etc. Then I tried to explore a bit more why she felt that way...she said so she could fit better in her new bed (we recently replaced her double with a twin).
She didn't mention it again for a couple of days so I was trying to ignore it.
Then last night, I was laying out her pajamas for her to put on and she looked and them and said scornfully: 'I'm not that wide! I don't need pajamas that wide!' and then said sadly 'I want to be skinnier, mama!'
I said, you are a perfect, healthy girl and let it go.

Dd is homeschooled, goes to fun alternative dance school, yoga classes, soccer, all very body image friendly places. She has limited exposure to media....although she DOES have Barbies (another whole post...). She is also a very sensitive kid. She did recently spend an overnight with my mom, but my sister who is very body positive & is a social worker was also there, so I doubt my mom would have said anything...she is usually careful no to.

But, I am so sad about this....I feel like this is a big problem potentially and I really really don't know where she is getting this.

Any ideas on how to respond (other than having a bonfire of her Barbies??)

[Surfer Rosa]

I could have written this post! E is 4.5 and has been saying a few things like this too, and for all the reasons you outlined, I have been so careful to not pass on my issues to her, but she has been saying all sorts of things relating to body size lately (she does go to JK though, so it's possible she's picking it up there). It kills me.

I've been responding in the same way-reinforcing that she's fine (more than fine!) the way she is-or, in the case of her pointing out who else "should" be skinnier (yikes), why it's not such a great thing to talk about. I have been trying to keep it cool, as I don't want to give it any power, but I also feel like I'm not really addressing the issue as much as I'd like to, you know? So I'm watching this thread, and hoping it's quick phase for our girls

[minkin03]

we went through this shortly before my oldest dd turned 5. she would say things about how she didn't like fat people and how she wanted to be skinny. and like you i've NEVER made any kinds of comments about size. i worried so much about this possibly become a long-term issue with her. especially when she realizes that what one eats can affect one's size. her comments about being skinny (particularly asking how to be skinny even though she's not big at all) went on for almost 2 years. i just continued to stress that it's not about what you look like but whether or not you're a nice person on the inside and would give scenarios. and told her what is important is being healthy and that being skinny doesn't necessarily mean healthy. she's finally over this, thank goodness. i think what worked was when i told her being skinny (too skinny) you may look like a skeleton. since then she hasn't brought it up again.

[Sarah W]

I would guess that dance would be the most likely place she would get it. My cousin dance from 4-23ish and eating disorders were so common. Being thin was a big deal.

You said she plays other sports, like soccer? Find a lot of women that are famous in various sports, and show her their bodies. Show her how amazing and strong a woman's can be.

[proudmamanow]

Sarah--I might blame dance if it was a different program, but this is a co-ed, alternative dance program with no set steps that is all about encouraging children to express their emotions through movement. There are all different body types & they are all celebrated...more of a dance therapy program, almost.

She also plays hockey in the winter, so she has a lot of good role models for strong women & I like that idea of talking about how strong women's bodies are. But maybe we need to be talking more about how beautiful different kinds of people are....I'm also wondering if anyone has any books or other resources they could suggest for this??

[ryleigh'smama]

I am relieved almost to see this post because my 5 year old dd just told me this the other night "I want to be skinny mama, I'm fat". She isn't fat. She is also not small. She is a normal weight for her height, but she is tall for her age, and not particularly thin...just regular (for lack of a better word). She often gets comments thought like "Will she be starting in the 2nd grade next year"? or "Which first grade teacher did she have last year"? When in reality, she will be starting kindergarten in the fall. She is taller than most kids that are a year or two older, AND the biggest thing...the little girl that she is closest to friendwise, is smaller than my three year old ds (she and dd are only 2 days apart though). So, I get a lot of "I want to be skinny and small like R____". I just keep telling her the same things you have mentioned about being healthy and strong, and that being a kind person is important, and getting her to talk about all of the things that she loves about herself. We talk about being fit too, because dh and I are pretty into fitness and being healthy so she knows that we do think being fit is a good thing. But I never say I'm going to the gym cause I'm fat. I tell her I go to the gym because I want to be strong and healthy, and because I want to be able to chase her and ds, and lift them up high in the sky. She and ds love to "workout" with me (trying to do planks and pushups and sprints, etc.

Anyway, I am trying, I didn't have good body image growing up, but have learned to love my body...I am hoping that dd will learn to love her body at an earlier age than I did.

[meemee]

oh yeah i had to deal with this. why? because my xfil and ex were calling dd fat from 4. xfil was truly concerned. and ex was influenced by him. i really reemed it into ex. actually called him and asked him what was he like at 5? wasnt he chubby with a tummy and big cheecks. didnt he really become skinny when he was around 16?

also what was happening was that during summer growth spurt my dd would grow sideways for a couple of months and then suddenly shoot up and thin.

now almost 8 my dd is getting into body image. and i am letting her explore that.

she is not skinny, neither is she fat. she is inbetween.

when she started at 5 i asked her if she was fat? what did she think? what does she think of my obese friends? so what happens if you are fat?

i think what did it was saying 'well i am fat. what do you say to that?' that was a big eye opener to her. woah mama is fat. her dad also points out how fat i am when i am really 20 pounds overweight.

i also started the guess what i dont like my nose. i love my teeth.

i think it lasted a few months and hasnt come up again.

when they make those comments i dont think they mean it the way we see it. or hear it.

it really isnt about 'i wish i was thin', its more like 'i wish i fit in there properly'.

[karemore]

Reading this with tears in my eyes because my 5 year old is starting the same thing.

I never talk about weight. We don't use food as punishment/rewards. We homeschool and tv is still limited to Magic Schoolbus, Curious George etc.

My daughter is very tall for her age. She is taller than her friends who are 7, she has big feet and a big head and everything in between is proportioned accordingly. She is not the least bit fat, but she's a big kid. She's strong and healthy and beautiful.

She's started saying she's not a "normal kid" like (names her friends). She says she's a chubby kid. She's not remotely chubby.

My grandmother had weight issues her entire life, my mother has weight/food issues, my sister almost died several times from anorexia/bulimia. I have been SO careful to keep all talk about food/bodies positive and healthy. My husband is completely onboard with not talking about physical beauty, talking about weight, other girls or women's looks etc.

I knew this would all come, but I thought I had several more years.

I plan to head to the library later to pick up whatever books I can find and start reading......

[ryleigh'smama]

I wonder if it is partly the wanting to fit in and look similar to their friends? Because my dd sounds a lot like my dd in size. Not chubby, just tall.

I need to talk to MIL though because she is commenting every so often things like "I can't believe she is so big", or things like that because my SIL's kids are all really, really skinny (like they were watched for failure to thrive for years when they were little b/c they were off the charts small).