Tell me to breathe, stay calm, and not get involved.

[sapientia]

My grandmother is at it again. My brother called me and she picked a crazy fight with him-what else is new? Anyway, he tells me she has been going to 'title' appointments trying to get her will 'straight'. SOmething about paying thousands of dollars to get her assets in order to keep her will out of probate? I think she is being duped.

She doesn't have any money, all there is to inherit is my grandfather's house. some land, some cows and a hell of a lot of debt that she has run up in the past 11 years.
In my experience, probate won't be an issue...but she's talking to some people that tell her otherwise and she is so secretive that she won't tell the truth to anyone-she is a pathological liar, narcissistic and most likely borderline personality disorder. I am nbot exaggerating. I am convinved she is in the middle stages of dementia as she is textbook, and two nurses who I know whp have spent time with her concur this might be the case...but she won't get help. She is prone to violence, she is delusional.

So what my grandfather left for me and my brother is most likely lost. I have to grieve that. I get it.

Just talk me down from confronting her.

[LROM]

Sounds like you've "been there, done that". Just focus on all the times in teh past you hoped confronting her would lead to a positive outcome. Did it? If it never does, why set yourself up by getting involved in something you know will just frustrate you more?

[tinybutterfly]

Oh, just let it go and stay out of it. You cannot reason with people like your grandmother. And confronting them just leads to drama, which they enjoy.

There are lots of good books about narcissitic personality disorder and borderline personality disorder. Go to the library and do some reading. It won't help your situation, but it might help you resolve to just stay out of this.

You know your grandfather loved you, had meant to leave something for you and your brother and maybe that, knowing he cared, knowing he meant to leave something, will have to be enough.

[bluebirdiemama]

It doesn't sound like you would get anywhere by talking to her. I would have a hard time letting it go, but it sounds like that's the best option for you.

All the best mama

[windsorheightsmom]

I am not an attorney, but my father used to do a lot of estate planning.

If your grandmother creates a living trust, that would keep her estate out of probate after she dies. Some people like to do that. It's not outrageous for an attorney to advise that, but creating a trust should not cost "thousands of dollars."

If your grandfather left you and your brother anything in his will, it should be yours. If he left it to his wife in trust during her lifetime, specifying that on her death it would go to you and your brother, you have a valid legal claim to it.

However, if your grandfather told you and your brother he wanted you to have X, but left all his property to his wife in a simple will, you have no claim to it and are unlikely ever to inherit it.

For that reason, I tell ALL my friends (not just wealthy people) that if there is anything they want their kids to have, they should make sure their will specifies what property goes to the kids. They can make sure the kids get it upon reaching a certain age, or they can leave it in trust to the surviving spouse specifying that on the spouse's death it goes to the kids. But if they do what most people do (leave everything to the spouse in a simple will), their kids may end up with nothing. People don't like to think about this, but it happens all the time. The surviving spouse disposes of property the dead parent wanted to go to children, or the surviving spouse remarries and leaves property to the second wife or husband. It's not pretty, and kids get hurt.

I am sorry to have gotten a bit off-topic here, but it is relevant to the original post. OP, nothing is to be gained from confronting your grandmother about this. If I were you and your brother, I would try not to give her the impression that she has the power to hurt you by how she drafts her will. She may have little more than debts, or she may have a lot more stashed away than you think, but either way it's out of your hands, and it's best not to play into her power trip.

[sapientia]

Sorry it took me a while to respond, had a sweet sixteen party for my oldest

Thanks for all the responses-I actually distracted myself and didn't engage in any of it-and I feel better. I have no control over it and I realize there is NOTHING I can say that will in any way make any difference to her. She has her own reality. I just can't get involved, it sends my anxiety through the roof. I know my grandfather meant well when he trusted her-I know he had good intentions. She's the one who has ruined everything.

Originally Posted by windsorheightsmom

I am not an attorney, but my father used to do a lot of estate planning.

If your grandmother creates a living trust, that would keep her estate out of probate after she dies. Some people like to do that. It's not outrageous for an attorney to advise that, but creating a trust should not cost "thousands of dollars."

If your grandfather left you and your brother anything in his will, it should be yours. If he left it to his wife in trust during her lifetime, specifying that on her death it would go to you and your brother, you have a valid legal claim to it.

However, if your grandfather told you and your brother he wanted you to have X, but left all his property to his wife in a simple will, you have no claim to it and are unlikely ever to inherit it.

For that reason, I tell ALL my friends (not just wealthy people) that if there is anything they want their kids to have, they should make sure their will specifies what property goes to the kids. They can make sure the kids get it upon reaching a certain age, or they can leave it in trust to the surviving spouse specifying that on the spouse's death it goes to the kids. But if they do what most people do (leave everything to the spouse in a simple will), their kids may end up with nothing. People don't like to think about this, but it happens all the time. The surviving spouse disposes of property the dead parent wanted to go to children, or the surviving spouse remarries and leaves property to the second wife or husband. It's not pretty, and kids get hurt.

I am sorry to have gotten a bit off-topic here, but it is relevant to the original post. OP, nothing is to be gained from confronting your grandmother about this. If I were you and your brother, I would try not to give her the impression that she has the power to hurt you by how she drafts her will. She may have little more than debts, or she may have a lot more stashed away than you think, but either way it's out of your hands, and it's best not to play into her power trip.

This is what I needed to know, thank you!