Parents don’t believe their kids have sex - Page 2

[Storm Bride]

What really gets to me about this whole issue is that all these "your teenager is having sex" articles actually just serve to make teenagers more convinced that everybody else is doing it, hence putting more pressure on them. It's crazy.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by Storm Bride

What really gets to me about this whole issue is that all these "your teenager is having sex" articles actually just serve to make teenagers more convinced that everybody else is doing it, hence putting more pressure on them. It's crazy.

Do you think teenagers read these articles?

Based on my kids and their friends, I doubt they do.

[MusicianDad]

This isn't a "your teen is having sex" article though. This is a "most parents of teens who are having sex don't think their teen is having sex, just all the other teens are" article.

At the risk of sounding like a teacher this

In other words, the parents hold seemingly contradictory thoughts about teens and sex: Everyone else’s kids are hypersexual, but theirs are way too innocent to even be interested.

is pretty much the thesis of the article.

[Ruthla]

Originally Posted by MusicianDad

If I had a nickel for every time I've heard some variation of "my child is X years old, he/she is only thinking about school/sport/toys/etc. He/she has no business thinking about dating and sex." I would be able to retire tomorrow.

You know, my son is 8 years old and he's only thinking about school/sports/cars/toys/etc. He has no business thinking about dating and sex (except in the sense of "some teenagers on TV date and have sex, and most of the animal kingdom has sex to make babies.")

My 14 and 15yos, however, most definitely DO think about sex and dating, although I know they're not acting on it. Neither are their friends. Some of their aquaintances might be sexually active, but the kids they hit it off with simply aren't dating yet either.

[MusicianDad]

Yeah, but an 8 yo boy is pre-pubescent. In a few years he'll be thinking about sex too. The important thing is that he knows that those thoughts aren't "bad" and how to be responsible with them.

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move

Do you think teenagers read these articles?

Based on my kids and their friends, I doubt they do.

Some are. Some aren't. My point is that this stuff just feeds into our cultural "teenagers are sex-crazed slaves to their hormones (except mine, of course)" wackiness. The teens may not read the articles, but they're definitely aware that a good portion of our society thinks they're sex-crazed.

And, I have to say that I don't know that many parents of the "my pure little innocent would never do that" variety...but every one of those parents that I do know had children who were very sexually active at a fairly early age. (OTOH, so was I...and my mom wasn't of that stripe at all.)

[AFWife]

Originally Posted by Storm Bride

Some are. Some aren't. My point is that this stuff just feeds into our cultural "teenagers are sex-crazed slaves to their hormones (except mine, of course)" wackiness. The teens may not read the articles, but they're definitely aware that a good portion of our society thinks they're sex-crazed.

And, I have to say that I don't know that many parents of the "my pure little innocent would never do that" variety...but every one of those parents that I do know had children who were very sexually active at a fairly early age. (OTOH, so was I...and my mom wasn't of that stripe at all.)

I have to agree.

My parents, actually, were on the other side. They thought I was having sex with anyone and everyone. Actually, I had really horrible periods as a teen and my doctor (with my mother in the room) told me the only thing he could recommend was hormone therapy and wrote me a script for BC Pills. My parents refused to fill it because I would "use it as an excuse to have sex."

I wish they had been the parents in the article. I probably would have turned out differently.

[choli]

Originally Posted by AFWife

I have to agree.

My parents, actually, were on the other side. They thought I was having sex with anyone and everyone. Actually, I had really horrible periods as a teen and my doctor (with my mother in the room) told me the only thing he could recommend was hormone therapy and wrote me a script for BC Pills. My parents refused to fill it because I would "use it as an excuse to have sex."

I wish they had been the parents in the article. I probably would have turned out differently.

That reminds me of SO many girls I knew when I was younger - they were sexually active, but didn't use contraception because that meant that they would have to admit to themselves that they WERE sexually active, which meant they were a dirty girl. Most of them ended up pregnant and married to some loser they would never have dreamed of marrying otherwise. Better, apparently, to take the very large risk of pregnancy than take the pill and use it as an excuse for what they were already doing.

[AFWife]

Originally Posted by choli

That reminds me of SO many girls I knew when I was younger - they were sexually active, but didn't use contraception because that meant that they would have to admit to themselves that they WERE sexually active, which meant they were a dirty girl. Most of them ended up pregnant and married to some loser they would never have dreamed of marrying otherwise. Better, apparently, to take the very large risk of pregnancy than take the pill and use it as an excuse for what they were already doing.

Well, my whole thing was this: My parents already THOUGHT I was doing it, would accuse me of doing it, and then would punish me for it...so I figured, why not do it? If I'm going to get in trouble I should have at least done it.

Just another example of how teenagers don't always think things through to the end...

[MusicianDad]

So basically, most parents need to stop living in their own little world and think logically about teens and sex...

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by MusicianDad

So basically, most parents need to stop living in their own little world and think logically about teens and sex...

I'd say that about sums it up, yes.

[AFWife]

Originally Posted by MusicianDad

So basically, most parents need to stop living in their own little world and think logically about teens and sex...

And learn communication...

[dex_millie]

Originally Posted by MusicianDad

Can't say I am horribly surprised. I have met some vary naive parents when it comes to the idea of their child even thinking about another person in that way.

It does bug me though, mostly because I know that most likely they will either 1) have kids who grow up being great at lying or 2) find out and flip out or be horribly disappointed and their kids just back off more and hide more or what they do.

This is my parents. It seem they more think of it towards the girls. My mom keep saying how she would tell my sister about not doing the things she should do so she know it and gaving her book to read..ect... Yet my 18year old freshman in college sister is rarely home and always by her boyfriend. When she was at school she would not come home until 10(even though her last class was around 5/6 and would leave 8:30am when her first class was around 10am-12am). Now she working for summer she comes home washes the dishes and leaves until 10pm at night.

So yea we did become great at lieing and making it seem like we do the 'right thing'.

[dex_millie]

Originally Posted by choli

That reminds me of SO many girls I knew when I was younger - they were sexually active, but didn't use contraception because that meant that they would have to admit to themselves that they WERE sexually active, which meant they were a dirty girl. Most of them ended up pregnant and married to some loser they would never have dreamed of marrying otherwise. Better, apparently, to take the very large risk of pregnancy than take the pill and use it as an excuse for what they were already doing.

This is true. It is like some are still in denial. I know I was and I only started at age 20. I even tried to convince myself I was still a V because it was a quick thing with a boyfriend and I didn't O(and we was only together for a weekend). And even with my other boyfriend, my now husband I was still in denial about it because we was trying to wait until marriage.

I do agree with those girls also marrying people they wouldn't have thought of eighter, their/our minds are so confused.

[journeymom]

Interesting article. I think this is worth repeating: "I don’t think all parents are thinking this way, but I think this group of parents is thinking this way"

The other expert in the article mentioned that teenagers are easily embarrassed by their parents' attempts to talk about sexuality.

The researcher said "teens are complicit in their parents’ head-in-the-sand mentality."

"And basically, the parents would say, we have tried to talk with him or her, but the teen says, ’eww ... Mom, I don’t need to hear this information. I’m not doing anything,’" she said. "So I think that the teenagers are actively presenting themselves to their parents as asexual."

I don't think they intend to imply that Teens, as an organized entity, are all working from the same memo in order to thwart their Parents and lie to them.

But a few years ago I did read a book about how to talk to your kids about sex. The author made a similar point. It's not enough for a parent to be willing to discuss sex if their child brings it up. Because chances are, because kids are embarrassed to talk about it, they won't necessarily bring it up with their parents. The author said over and over, parents need to start the conversations, and for the sake of their childrens' health and safety, need to persevere in spite of everyone's discomfort.

[LavenderMae]

Originally Posted by journeymom

It's not enough for a parent to be willing to discuss sex if their child brings it up. Because chances are, because kids are embarrassed to talk about it, they won't necessarily bring it up with their parents. The author said over and over, parents need to start the conversations, and for the sake of their childrens' health and safety, need to persevere in spite of everyone's discomfort.

I completely agree with this.

[Marsupialmom]

Originally Posted by Storm Bride

Some are. Some aren't. My point is that this stuff just feeds into our cultural "teenagers are sex-crazed slaves to their hormones (except mine, of course)" wackiness. The teens may not read the articles, but they're definitely aware that a good portion of our society thinks they're sex-crazed.

And, I have to say that I don't know that many parents of the "my pure little innocent would never do that" variety...but every one of those parents that I do know had children who were very sexually active at a fairly early age. (OTOH, so was I...and my mom wasn't of that stripe at all.)

I agree there is a lot of cultural pressure (coming from adults) that expect teens to be horn dogs and doing it at every possible chance.

One of my son's friend is asexual. This has been something her parents have expected for a lot time as a little girl she would say she didn't want a husband. When they mention having a wife she said no to that either. At 15 she says she has no sexual desire and isn't sexually attracted to anyone. Her grandparents and other adults put a lot more into my son and her relationship.

My son is interest, but not with her or anytime soon.

I find a lot of adults put pressures and innuendos into their kids relationship.

[Arduinna]

Originally Posted by Irishmommy

And some parents know their kids and are right about it.

Yep, that is true too.

[Happiestever]

Originally Posted by MusicianDad

Yeah but if we trust what most parents say then no person under the age of 25 is even remotely interested in the formation of intimate relationships. That is just not the way it is though. Sure there is the odd young teen who isn't interested, but by the very nature of the growing human body, most young teens have thought about, or explored the idea of relationships and sex.

What holds value is more parents understanding that what they want (teen not interested in sex) and what is true are more often than not two very opposite things. When you accept that it is a possibility and approach things from the point of view "You may or may not be thinking about it now, but chances are you will start in the next year" and discuss things from the POV that even if they aren't interested in a relationship, they are still sexual beings then it just opens a whole new world of comfort for the teen in doing what they know is best for them. As opposed to doing what everyone else tells them to do, while tell mom and dad what they want to hear.

And the fact still remains, you (general you) don't know what your child is thinking with 100% certainty. We are open and honest with sex in this house, but we don't even pretend to know what dd is thinking on the matter. What we do know is that we have been working for years to give her the tools she needs to make her choice on the matter, not do what someone else wants or expects.

Thank You! These are my sentiments exactly.

[polycom1]

I thought I was a cool dude back in the day when I was in MS. Now that my son has graduated and we have had the backyard parties over the last few days, I am amazed at how many kids at 13 and 14 have had oral sex. maybe its the information age, maybe its something else.

I still am in a state of shock.