I won't admit it

[Twoundertwo]

I have always been the person to say that life is what you make it. If you choose to be happy, you will be, and those who choose to do nothing about it take medication.
I don't even take tylenol for a headache and stay away from caffeine...
How did I get here?
After being passed around from my drug addicted mother to my alcoholic, bi polar father and too many safehouses to count God blessed me with a wonderful husband. We had a beautiful little girl in August of 2008 and my life couldn't have been better. Then 7 months later, I was pregnant again and devastated that my life as I knew it was over. In my gut I knew I didn't want this baby and I thought it would change once he came into the world. It didn't.
No one can understand why he is such a difficult baby, but his extreme high needs have worn in to my heart and soul and left me drained of any happiness I used to have. My husband and I took turns walking him as a newborn, hoping for the magic 3 month mark when it would be all over. I have almost become numb to the constant crying at this point.
My husband was unexpectedly deployed for a 6 month tour when he was 3 months old. I have no family and very few friends because we moved to a new state right before he was deployed. I had been doing really good for a while, keeping my head up and being the best mother i could for my babies. That is until a few weeks ago when things started to get bad for me. I have constant anxiety, chest pain and my eyes can't focus. Forget about searching for anything, I can't do it. Something is keeping me from doing my daily tasks and I am screaming at myself from the inside but I feel crippled to do anything. I am only half the mother I used to be for my kids and I can't seem to shake it. Sometimes I have even thought of hurting my son when he is screaming. I feel like I need to escape from here. I think it is time for me to admit that I can't do this alone. My husband is on a submarine that is running secret missions so I only get a screened email every few weeks. I am afraid to ask anyone for help because I am worried about what that will mean for my kids. They are now 22 months and 6 months and I love them both more than anything in the entire world. I can't believe this is even me talking. Thanks for listening.

[wake_up]

You are admitting it, though, aren't you? That's why you're writing this.

I haven't been where you are, so I don't have much advice to offer, I hope others chime in with helpful thoughts about how to go for help. I just wanted to say it sounds like you're a strong woman, but even the strongest of us would need help in that situation. Please look for it, and accept it when it comes. You deserve to be supported.

[mom0810]

PPD and PP anxiety aren't the type of things you can just "snap out of" or "pull yourself out of" or "decide to just feel better" from . THey are very real, very physical in nature. If you had diabetes, would you be ashamed to admit it? Would it weaken you in some way? No. PPD is a chemical imbalance just like diabetes is. Is someone who takes insulin weak because of it? No. They take it because they NEED it, to correct an imbalance.

Getting this far, to admit that something is going on, and to want to do something about it, is huge. I am so proud of you. The next step would be to find a therapist in your area, get a referral to a doctor, and hopefully get on a program of meds/therapy and start to feel better. You can do this. You need to. For yourself, and for your beautiful kids. It can be SO much better.

[mandib50]

when my last baby was 3 months old, my husband started commuting to work, so he was gone 7 out of 12 days. i also had no help and i developed postpartum anxiety. i didn't know what it was at the time, and somehow i made it through without any medication or support, but i certainly don't recommend that for you (or anyone). would you be able to find a good family doctor or counselor who could help you access the resources/medications you might need?

[azgirl]

You have two little kids, the youngest is high needs and constantly crying and your main support is physically gone and unable to communicate regularly.
You are going through so much! I am so sorry

I posted here when I had PPD a couple of years ago and someone told me that someday soon I would feel better than ever. I didn't/couldn't believe it, but it's true. For me that required therapy, meds and help around the house. PPD is partly chemical. That is why meds are often so effective for PPD. Please give yourself permission to do whatever it takes to get better. Is there any room in the budget for a mother's helper or someone to just come over and hold the baby for a while? You wouldn't even have to leave the house. You could go outside with your toddler. There may be older/retired women nearby who would love it and who have experience and patience with crying babies.

Have you asked your pediatrician about reflux? You could do a week of Prevacid (a lot of reflux moms like me consider it a miracle drug). If it helps, awesome. Don't underestimate the mental strain of having a high-needs crying baby. Does babe cry even if you are holding him?? I would rule out reflux right away. I know there are diet changes that can help, but If I were you I would seek out medical help for your babe, he might just be in pain. I'm sorry in advanced if you've explored that already.

Please keep us posted. I am so sorry you are going through this.

[zipworth]

Can you access some sort of support for spouses of those in the military? Here they have family resource centers that are put into place so that those whom are coping at home have emotional support. There is no shame in seeking help.

I have sruggled with depression/anxiety my whole life and I know how awful and crippling it can be. I can't imagine going through this alone! Please go easy on yourself-turn the T.V. on as needed, buy prepared foods or takeout, and most of all get out of the house if you can. Go into survival mode, and get some help for yourself. Please keep us posted-we are here for you.

Natalie