Do any of you mamas get a break sometimes? How?

[gracemamma]

I was walking the floor from 3am-5am last night trying to get DD back to sleep and feeling resentful of DH who is in Italy for the week (with his family) and I got to thinking about how other mamas might be more successful at getting a break sometimes- and how I'd like to hear about this!

DD is 11 months old and I love her immensely. However, we are pretty much attached 24/7. She takes all her naps in the ergo, we cosleep & I go to bed with her.

Here are the breaks I've had in 11 months:
Had hair done 4x that took me away from her for 2-3 hrs each time. Not relaxing as 2 of these included hairdresser dying my hair orange and then fixing it.

Have run errands w/o baby 4 times while leaving baby w/dh. groceries & prescriptions so not really relaxing.

Had 2 accupuncture session after birth with dh and dd in room.

Thats it. We shower together, go to the bathroom together and I take all night wakings (and there are some doozies around here)- so I am on all the time. Again I wanted my baby with all my heart and love her soooooo much but I would enjoy relaxing sometimes.

So, mamas- are you more successful at this? Tell me how!

[gracemamma]

I'll just add that we have no family here or close friends and that dd takes 7-10 days before she'll let visiting family pick her up and mama out of her sight. so just when family could help, they fly back home!

dh often works late and has taken about 5 weeklong trips since dd was born. 1 was for work, the rest to see family and for his 3rd continuing education degree in italy. I especially start dreaming of these breaks in times like now when I'm on my own w/dd for 8 days w/zero help. sigh.

[beebalmmama]

Sounds like you are due for a trip of your own. For a day at least.

With my first ds I started getting some me time at about 6.5 months. That is when I started going stir crazy and probably a bit of post partum anxiety. I had a weekly yoga class on the weekend and dh kept him during that time, probably for about 2.5 hours. Other than that I didn't get much but then neither was my dh.

Sounds like your dh needs to step up to the plate....or you need to let him. It's tough to leave them, but I really think it's important for dads to have alone time with the little one's too.

[eli's mama]

s mama

I am not good at getting breaks for myself either. I have 3 and I'm on all the time for the baby (also 11 months) non-stop. DH is "playing" with her now while I make dinner. His playing involves making strange sounds at her during commercials and sometimes reminding her to "be careful" when crawling on the couch. I'm so not relaxed right now.

[always hope]

I think you need to work with your DH to make some time for you otherwise you will burn out. I have recently made Saturday mornings my time. DH looks after Ella in the morning while I rest and I feed her when she needs it then he takes her to an infant swim class and she naps afterwards so I get a long stretch to rest and read and do what I need to do. Going out and doing errands definitely isn't a break. When she needed a nap before swimming DH would take her for a walk in the Ergo or buggy. It will be really good for your DH to have more time with your bub. My DH really enjoys it since he doesn't get to spend time with her during the week. He is also studying and working full time so Sunday is his study day and he does long hours during the week. It needs to be a priority to look after yourself because if you get sick or can't cope then everything falls apart. Mamas are the back bone of a home so they need to be taken care of.

[paranoidprego]

Before my dd was born (she is my 3rd), my dh and i decided that i needed a little time away from the kids. although sunday is family day in our house, we would have a little family time in the morning when we wake up, go to church and then any time after church i would have 2 hours off to do whatever i liked (barnes & noble, coffee shop, shopping). it was wonderful and helped me get through the week so much better. my dh got quality time with the kids and i got some time off. this is really the only way i could get me time. i have a hard time leaving my kids with anyone other than dh (weird, i know). my baby is now 6 mos old now and i will be resuming my sunday outing now that she can go 2 hours without me. she also naps in the ergo, sleeps only if i am right next to her, doesn't eat foods yet.
there have been a few times that my dh has taken all the kids to the zoo (the baby does great in a backpack for daddy) and i cleaned the whole house - not relaxing, but having a clean house improves my mood considerably.

good luck!

[Knitting Mama]

Forgive me for intruding on your life, mama, but some of those week long trips are vacations that your husband takes without you and the baby? I'm sorry, but I'd want to murder my husband for doing that to me. I am the baby's primary caregiver, but it's nice to know my husband's here, at least in the evening and on the weekends.

[donutmolly]

Besides getting your DH to give you a regular break...

If you can afford to hire a sitter regularly, it might allow you to have some flexibility and allow your DD's to know the person she's with... it could be a responsible teen or an older lady who's pining for grandkids, or maybe exchange time with a mom friend. We've eased into relationships with sitters by having them over while we're doing something in the house (like folding a monsterous pile of laundry), then going on short trips to the store, and finally longer outings. Go out after you've put baby down for a nap, or instruct your sitter to carry the baby in the ergo, push her in the stroller, whatever helps you know that baby isn't screaming while you're out enjoying yourself.

I would really encourage you to get out. You can be a very attached mama and still go out and get a break... I wish I had made the effort with my first DD, I would have been so much more sane. Now with 3 kiddos around, I really recognize my need for some quiet time to think my own thoughts, and I'm able to enjoy my youngest so much more.

[cristeen]

Breaks are few and far between here. I do grocery shopping alone every Sat morning and have since he was about a month. Other than that, ive taken one afternoon sewing class and dh took night duty for mothers day. Just this week i had a mothers helper over twice (2 hours each), so i could get some stuff done, but that doesnt really vount, since i was doing chores.

Im with the pp. If your dh is taking vacations wo you, i'd be livid.

[gracemamma]

Thanks for all the feedback Mamas. I hear that some folks are getting out a bit and some are more swamped than me by a long shot. Now that I see how much it takes to raise 1 baby, those who have several kids are all superheros to me!

I've gone to a mama/baby yoga class and the instructor is great with kids and used to be a nanny so I've talked about having her come over while I'm here and that may work out at some point. She's starting grad school though...

I've talked to dh months ago about giving me an hour a week, 10 minutes a day- something so that I can just breathe for a few minutes, take a bath etc. but it hasn't happened yet. He has taken the baby for me to do some cooking or go to the bathroom gbut that seems like it should be a given. Do0 your partners volunteer for such things or do you really have to schedule and say- "this is what you are doing DH"?!

I feel like he prioritizes his needs ahead of mine. For example, he makes time to call friends on the weekends but not to give me a break. He takes naps or sleeps in on Saturday but I haven't had a nap since DD was like 2 months old. I asked him not to do this Italian degree program because the last one kept him studying instead of being with me and dd in his free time. He did stop being treasurer at the church to have more time at home but it does feel like he gets to keep doing the things he wants while I dont get many such options.

This program he's doing in Italy requires a couple more weeks off in Italy again- one in July that he intends to skip, one in September and some later too. It's frustrating because its not like his MBA where it definately helps with job prospects. This is the second program he's done after his MBA there and I believe its more something to connect him with his friends in Italy that he misses. His Mom is also alone and he wants to keep an eye on her (and is now bringing her here for three months-yikes!) He would welcome my coming with him if I wanted.

Anyway-long answer... thanks for all the thoughts and other perspectives.

[Path2Felicity]

Oh, man, I definitely need time to myself sometimes.

I have at least a couple days a week where DH takes care of DD while I sleep (e.g., while he is getting ready for work) because DD is on me all night long, sucking away. I am exhausted in the mornings.

Then, I make sure I have a half hour for a shower. I need that time because I just want half hour where I am by myself and nobody needs me for anything. Also, when my husband comes home from work, I give DD to him for about half an hour where he plays with her and I either get other chores done or I just lay down and watch them. I need that break.

Other than that, DD and I are together 24/7. I will occasionally run an errand without her... or, even better, DH will take her grocery shopping and I can just relax at home for a little bit. But, that doesn't happen toooo often yet... I get nervous if I am not within an immediate vicinity of DD.

[dahlialia]

DH has always been good at giving me a break. He will take DD2 for an hour during the day (he works from home, and takes a break to run some errands with her, or take her and the dog to the park). He will often run interference with both DD1 and DD2 before or after dinner, so I can shower and do a few things. He takes them both to the farmer's market Saturday mornings.

Mama, I think *you* need to make it happen.

"DH, are you napping first today, or shall I?".

"I need 1/2 hour to regroup in the bath. Would before dinner work better for you, or after?"

"I was planning on meeting a friend for coffee this weekend. Would Saturday or Sunday be better for you to take DD for a while?"

Edited to add: When DD1 was 3, DH took her for an entire weekend while I went on a course When DD2 is 3, he's getting both of them for a weekend

[Knitting Mama]

I am so sorry for your hard situation mama. It hasn't been easy for me either, but nothing as tough as you have! I did have to sit my husband down and tell him flat out that I needed him to volunteer to spend more time with Cecilia than he was. At first he was defensive, saying that he spent time with her whenever I wanted him to and that he didn't want to intrude on mama bonding time, but when I explained to him that I was worried that he wasn't expressing joy at spending time with his daughter and that I wanted him to want to take her and snuggle her or play with her, he seemed to get the idea. He's pretty good now about doing it. Having expressed it that way, rather than "mama needs a break," with good success, maybe you can try that with your husband.

Really, though, it sounds like he needs a reality check. He doesn't sound like he's prioritizing family over his own desires, and that's such a big part of being a parent. Is there someone-- maybe his own father or another male figure he respects-- who you could ask to have a heart-to-heart with him?

[carmel23]

I think my perception and expectations for what "relaxation" is has changed radically, after having 4 kids! I work at home, and honestly, just working--without baby interruptions or kid questions/requests--is hugely relaxing! Just having to do one thing at a time, instead of 5 things at once is relaxing--cooking alone, cleaning up the house alone.

I volunteer and this is where I interact with other adults without kids around, which is very relaxing!

When my big kids were little, DH was in school so I know how stressful it is with a spouse working and in school... then relaxing was just being able to hang out with him and watch a movie.

Can you make a special time for yourself each week--a time when DH *cannot* schedule anything so you can take a class/take a bath/garden, etc?

and remember, they really do grow up so fast. I figure I'll have hours of *me time* when my kids are grown.

[sky_and_lavender]

It sounds like you're really unhappy with the status quo and want your husband to spend some alone time with your daughter so you can have some time to do your own thing. Is that what you're saying?

My husband takes the baby almost every morning from when she wakes up (between 6 and 7:30am) until around 8:30 so I can sleep. He takes care of her and does the bedtime routine one evening a week while I go to class. He watches her on and off all day on some weekends when I need to get something done (usually schoolwork) and has offered that he is willing to watch her more if I ever want to go out and do other stuff. His life revolves around us and he chooses us over other priorities whenever possible.

I also made friends with a high school girl who comes to my house once a week as a "mother's helper." She plays with the baby while I do other things. It's not a total vacation, but it can help. It's nice to just have a semi-adult to talk with. (I know sometimes money is an issue, but if he can afford week long trips to Italy, there should be a way to get some help at home!)

My husband also travels for work sometimes. It's really hard! If he was going away purely for pleasure or personal enrichment and leaving me behind to fend for myself, I would tell him it doesn't work for me, that it is bad for the atmosphere of our marriage, and that maybe in a few years he could continue that. But if he's doing it because he feels he needs a break, maybe that's a way to start a discussion about de-stressing your shared life and routines.

I know I have it good, but it's no coincidence. I make my needs clear and make my needs a priority. When I need something, I figure out a way to get it. My husband does the same thing, and I am considerate of his needs, too. When dh is going away, like this upcoming week, it's hard, but I try to schedule fun things for me and my daughter to do to break up the days and nights a little.

p.s. sorry if that sounded too, err, harsh. I don't mean it that way. I'm just very straightforward in writing.

[Norasmomma]

I think your DH needs to grow up. Plain and simple. If he was working out of country ok, but he's on a vay-cay(with his family) w/out you and the baby and you are feeling a bit annoyed? I'd be more than annoyed I'd be peeved beyond belief:irk

Now I'm not getting a huge break I have 2 kids, an almost 4 year old girl who drives me insane daily and a baby who never lets me put him down, BUT I have a DH who is darn understanding and does pretty much anything I ask of him. Get a sitter or make dad take care of the babe and get a break, no breaks are unhealthy.

AND.....it's NOT babysitting if DAD is taking care of his own children. It's called doing his job as a dad.

[cristeen]

Originally Posted by gracemamma

I've talked to dh months ago about giving me an hour a week, 10 minutes a day- something so that I can just breathe for a few minutes, take a bath etc. but it hasn't happened yet. He has taken the baby for me to do some cooking or go to the bathroom gbut that seems like it should be a given. Do0 your partners volunteer for such things or do you really have to schedule and say- "this is what you are doing DH"?!

Really, that's not cool. But, it's also not surprising. It took some major work on my part to make my DH understand that no, I'm really not sitting on my butt eating bon-bons all day while the baby self-entertains, so no, he can't have the evening to himself. When he gets home from work he gets 10 minutes to change out of his work clothes, cool off from the long walk, pee, get a drink, whatever. And then mommy time starts. Mommy time unfortunately just consists of mommy cleaning the kitchen and making dinner, but it's still his time to be fully on duty. I don't take duty back until it's either bed time, or until after I've eaten my dinner (DH and I take turns eating if the little guy is awake). He is on duty basically from the time he gets home until the little guy goes to bed (usually I do bedtime, but tonight little guy fell asleep in daddy's lap). It took several fights to get to that point though. And now that the little guy goes to bed by 8, mommy can actually take a shower after bedtime, or watch a movie, or knit.

[Katie T]

The breaks I get are after they go to bed for the night. Every now and then I get to run to town and do errands at the speed of light by my self but that is once every couple of months.

I probably do need more breaks but after 10 yrs am so used to this I don't think anything of it. It does get easier as they get older so hang in there mama it sounds like your baby is very lucky!

If you need breaks for your sanity don't feel guilty taking them either. Hopefully you can schedule a massage into a afternoon as soon as your hubby returns. Sounds like you deserve it!

[1blueheron]

Originally Posted by Norasmomma

AND.....it's NOT babysitting if DAD is taking care of his own children. It's called doing his job as a dad.

Yup. And wow, if I had to do what some of you do, i'd be out of my mind. DH works 60+ hour weeks, but he watches DD for an hour every morning before work so I have time to exercise and whatnot. I find early morning is best for this because none of the other exigencies of the day (eg, Dh working late) can push it aside. I don't even count the time he's holding her while I cook dinner as a "break". Usually I get a couple hours on the weekend as well, to catch up on work in the garden or go shopping or whatever. And yet I still feel put upon sometimes.

It's occurred to me lately that instead of "playdates" we should have "workdates." Why is it that I'm expected to clean my house etc and THEN have somebody over? Why not have a friend over who can hang out and watch both our kids while I clean and make us lunch (or weed the garden or whatever), and then the next day do the same for her? Anyway, just an idea if you have friends with kids, maybe having a playmate and you still being nearby would ease the separation anxiety.

[gracemamma]

Thanks so much mamas for your support & sharing your perspectives, experience & ideas. There are alot of good ideas here.

cristeen- I think you hit the nail on the head with the clear delineation of -who's on duty? I'm on all day and all night and in the evening theres often only 30-60 minutes between dh coming home and bedtime, often zero. dh loves playing with dd but if the phone rings for him (which it does alot!) the majority of the time, duty shifts back to me.

I feel like my nervous system doesn't get to mellow down if I have to be constantly vigilent about dd safety (we are far from completely babyproof here and there are tons of stairs, hardwood, catbox etc.). I just need some time where I KNOW I dont have to be ON- Not that they are playing now but I may be back ON in 2 minutes if the phone rings, he has to go to the bathroom or decides he wants to call his Mom.

sky and lavender- didn't think you were too harsh! I admire your ability to get your needs met through good communication.

Cecilia's mama- I guess we clearly need to have this discussion again. I am motivated by hearing this worked well for you and others.
I like the male approach idea. Unfortunately his father has passed and mine would probably be viewed as biased. His brothers and friends with families that he's close to are all in Italy and while potentially helpful-it's a bit of a wildcard.
For some reason this generation of Italian guys had nothing asked of them growing up and they mostly lived with mamas til mariage so they weren't used to cooking, cleaning, laundry, dishes anything so they could do what they wanted with all their spare time-watch tv, study, chat on the phone for hours, volunteer alot etc. We're still working on the whole picture as despite 11 years of marriage it's hard to change what he sees as "normal" even if he married a feminist!

dahlialia- I agree. Good approach!

I think I'll work on getting some time between naps on Saturday to start going to the accupuncturist again (15 copay-yay!) Maybe a massage the first saturday- great idea. And get a mamas helper for a couple hours during the week to help me get my arms free to make food, catch up on laundry etc. I think doing some therapy again would also help.

His Mom being here this summer may help free some time too. we'll see-no expectations here due to some of her limitations. Of course the fact that she see's him as perfect in every way and that she'll be here for 3 months reinforcing this doesn't help!

Thanks again, mamas!