Do any of you mamas get a break sometimes? How? - Page 2

[gracemamma]

1blueheron- cool workdate idea!

[cristeen]

Originally Posted by gracemamma

cristeen- I think you hit the nail on the head with the clear delineation of -who's on duty? I'm on all day and all night and in the evening theres often only 30-60 minutes between dh coming home and bedtime, often zero. dh loves playing with dd but if the phone rings for him (which it does alot!) the majority of the time, duty shifts back to me.

I may be back ON in 2 minutes if the phone rings, he has to go to the bathroom or decides he wants to call his Mom.

If the phone rings while he's got the baby, who answers it? If you're the one answering it, I wouldn't give it to him unless it's urgent (like if it's work). Tell them that he's not available until after the baby goes to bed but that you'll have him call them back after that. He may not like it, but his friends/family will learn that certain things are inviolable.

As for the bathroom, I pee with the little guy in arms or sitting at my feet all day long. DH can do the same. I don't take him back for pee breaks unless he's happily playing and I'm already in the room.

And as for calling his mom - see above. He can call her after the little one is asleep. Not before. Particularly if he's not capable of multi-tasking the telephone and the baby.

Afraid I can't help with the working late problem though. My DH took a new job while i was pg to avoid the whacko schedule problem. Now he's home pretty reliably by 6:30 every night. Before, I'd never know when he'd be home, some nights he wasn't home until 2 am.

[MaddieMay]

When DH is home, he's 100% hands on. He actually was disappointed the other night when I put DS to bed without him because he "loves that part of the evening routine." On weekends, he lets me sleep in and they have father/son time. Yes, my 11 month old watches Mythbusters on Saturday mornings with his dad and eats who knows what, then they wander the neighborhood for garage sales. Not what I would do, but that's their special time together and they LOVE it.

Since I'm a SAHM, I usually have an adult sitter that comes about four hours a week. I get away-do a bunch of errands, appointments, have lunch with DH and it's money well spent. DH wishes I would have her come more often, but she's a busy lady as we do a sitter share with the neighbors on our street.

[jennybear]

I get lots of breaks.

DD is six months and I recently started back to work 3 days/week (she's home with Dad those days). At least once a week I do something on my own (shopping, haircut, wine with girlfriends, etc.) and Lucy stays with Dad.

She sleeps in her own room for naps and overnight and goes to bed at 7pm, so we have several hours every evening.

I've never taken her into the bathroom with me (she just plays quietly when I need to go), though we take all our baths together.

I babywear a lot, we BF, etc. and are very attached when together but I also get plenty of time away. I really can't imagine being connected 24/7, though I know that works great for some moms. I have found a balance I'm really happy with. One of the nicest outcomes of this has been that DD is completely in love with DH and trusts his completely as her caregiver. He's also comfortable with her in a way that I'm not sure would be possible if he weren't so hands-on.

[jennybear]

As a follow-up, I'll say that the whole notion of "mom is the one responsible" when both parents are home really irks me. DH and I both make sure to check in with one another about doing something away from family time (outside of work, of course) and we rotate who's "on" with the baby when we're both home.

Sure, moms can breastfeed and dads can't, but otherwise I think parenting should be shared as much as possible. It's good for dads, babies and mamas.

[ciga]

My son is 12 wks.
Because my husband has to get up and go to work all day long with no chance for a nap oh and because I have a boob and he doesn't, I do all night parenting. Though, If there is a major crazy outburst that I can't seem to quell he will get up and help me with the babe.

In the mornings, DH does the first changing and hangs out with the baby for a bit so that I can at least get in a few more minutes of sleep. Depending on when DH gets home he'll take over for a while and go for a walk or something until bedtime.
We cosleep but he goes to bed around 6-7pm which means we usually have the whole evening to ourselves which I feel incredibly lucky for. So, if I want to take a bath/shower (that i know won't be interrupted) or work in my studio for a little while or read a book my husband will field any random cries from the bed.

I can definitely count on one hand the number of times I've been able to leave the house by myself and they've all been for doctor's appts or dump runs so not super relaxing free time.

I wear him a lot but I also give him lots of floor time. Sometimes he won't stop crying until i put him down and leave him to his own devices which to me reads as "i need alone time mama! now!

When I write it out it sounds like I have all kinds of time to myself and yet I still feel overwhelmed sometimes and desperate for a break. I still feel like I wish DH was around more and maybe had fewer projects. Even with the half hour I get to stay in bed in the mornings I still feel totally sleep deprived.

oh... babies

[texmati]

I go to work. lol!

No, seriously, DH is amazing about helping out. We have a rule, if someone says "I'm frustrated" than the other one takes over. DS goes to sleep between 7-11 most days, so we stay up an hour or two after he goes to sleep.

[texmati]

just thinking some more... sometimes DH will take DS "driving" in the evening. basically just drive around in the car (maybe running a few errands until he falls asleep. (DS that is, not DH.)

[happysmileylady]

I guess I genuinely don't understand...are you asking permission or something and he's telling you no or refusing? Are you quitely waiting for him to actually say "honey, I will take the baby, go take a bath?"

Seriously, I have no problem saying to DH "Here's what I am doing tonight, you will be home at X, so that I can be out the door by Y, right?" Or "My back is killing me, I think I am going to go take a bath, the baby's in the playpen." Or even "I am going to the grocery store and I don't feel like packing her in the car and unpacking her and hauling her around the store, so I am going to leave her at home."

To me, that's not even "helping out" or whatever...that's just an assumed part of BEING DAD. Even when we needed "nighttime parenting" (she's 18 months old now and has been STTN for a long time) on a regular basis and I was nursing, he totally got up with me-got the baby for me (in a cradle in our room) changed her diaper, and often, got me water, because I would guzzle water while I nursed.

My DH works 40 hours, plus whatever OT they offer, plus he is in school. Summer he only takes one class, during the year, he takes three, so almost full time. But he is a 100% fully engaged parent-there is no "taking the baby for me" because it's his baby too. There is no "watching the baby while I go do X" because it's his baby too.

[Nicole730]

I'm sure this has been said, but I think you need to explain to your DH how you are feeling. Especially about the being 'on' 24/7. Try to have him imagine what it's like to have a child attached to you nonstop. Let him know that even when you get a break, the child is still always on your mind and you know that at any second you could get her back because he is just 'done' with her or else needs to answer the phone etc...

It took quite awhile before I realized I needed to say this to DH and then quite a few reminders before he started to get it. Now instead of him saying "I'm going to take a shower" he asks if it's okay. We also take about one day a month each where we get off kid-duty and can do whatever we want. We still help each other out with kid stuff, but we don't have to. We also alternate who wakes up with the first kid to wake up in the morning. Obviously I still nurse DD, but he has to hold her and interact with her and DS, so I can get some stuff done around the house or even out of the house.

It does get easier for both of you as time goes on, but just make sure you make yourself clear to DH now, so that you can move forward. Try not to get mad or upset abou it, I usually worded stuff in a nice/gentle way and let him know that I was becoming overwhelmed and I figured out it was because I never got a break.

[jdg]

I've been using dahlialia's approach with my husband for years, and continue to use it now that we have a newborn. For the last nine years:

"The floors need vacuumed and dinner needs cooked. Which do you want to do?"
"Grocery shopping needs done, and whichever of us stays home should do x, y, and z. What's your preference?"

In the last few weeks, since our daughter was born, I've added in a few:

"Her diaper needs changed and she needs fed. You change her and then I'll feed her."
"Babe is gassy and crying and needs burped and calmed, and dinner needs to be cooked, you want the baby or the cooking?"
"You want to shower first and then take the baby or have the baby while I shower first?"

I will say I am fortunate in that my husband WANTS to help out, he just honestly wouldn't have any clue what would be helpful if I didn't tell him. And he's very distractable, so I need to remind him that the house needs cleaned, food needs cooked, and the babe needs cared for or else he would get distracted by something more fun and truly not think about any of these things.

[Peony]

I could of wrote your post several years ago, and I'm sure that somewhere there are old posts of mine just like yours. Dh is a good guy but clueless, he works alot, and is not a mind reader so I learned to lay everything out very clearly. He also doesn't "get" babies and vasty prefers to leave all child rearing things to me.

"I am working out tonight. Which you prefer, hanging out with the baby before dinner or after?"

"I am taking a bath. You are now on baby duty".

"I am making an appointment for myself. Does Friday night or Saturday morning work better for your schedule"

Hands child to him, "I am headed out. He ate at x time, he will need to eat again at x time. I will be back before bedtime.".


I tell him what I need to be done and just make sure everything is planned out in advance. If I hint around that I need to do x, y, and z, he just doesn't grasp what he needs to do in order for that to happen so I lay it out for him. This has eliminated harsh feelings on both of our ends, me for getting upset because he never helps out and him because I am upset and he honestly has no idea what he did.

Good luck.

[octobermoon]

Originally Posted by Norasmomma

I think your DH needs to grow up. Plain and simple. If he was working out of country ok, but he's on a vay-cay(with his family) w/out you and the baby and you are feeling a bit annoyed? I'd be more than annoyed I'd be peeved beyond belief:irk

HA that is what I am saying! UGH just reading this about your DH has ME SEETHING!!!!!!!!!!!
i think you need to put your foot down! if that doesn't work is there anyone you can call on to be a go-between so you guys can talk?? this behavior is immature on his part.

[Norasmomma]

Originally Posted by jennybear

Sure, moms can breastfeed and dads can't, but otherwise I think parenting should be shared as much as possible. It's good for dads, babies and mamas.

Well mom can pump milk though and Dad can give the baby a bottle. Both my babies have had bottles of EBM since a month so I could get a break. I mean sometimes you have to put forth a little effort to get times to do your thing, whatever that may be. I'm not saying that this works for everyone, but it sure has helped my life go a bit smoother.

My DH is fully hands on dad, but he is a guy and at times I may be super annoyed with something I have to tell him.

Men are not good at hints and can't read minds. They need things spelled out for them.

[americajane]

I was given some good advice by a friend who has 4---just leave the house! Tell DH ahead of time and give some basic instructions Like had last feeding at noon and she will need to eat again at 2 and likes her bottle warmed. Just enough instructions so it's a success but not so many that you're "bossy." And then just go! No, baby won't be taken care of like you would do it but a few hours of not being "perfectly" taken care of, she will be fine!

I think sometimes we moms have a tendencity to sabatoge our DH attempts with the baby! Also, I have found that sometimes I just need to ask my DH, "the baby is crying, could you please go pick up and change diaper?" he is happy to...just defaults that I will do it.

Good luck b/c it sounds like your husband and his family need to grow up and realize having a baby changes EVERYTHING!

[Sorin]

Originally Posted by Peony

"I am working out tonight. Which you prefer, hanging out with the baby before dinner or after?"

"I am taking a bath. You are now on baby duty".

"I am making an appointment for myself. Does Friday night or Saturday morning work better for your schedule"

Hands child to him, "I am headed out. He ate at x time, he will need to eat again at x time. I will be back before bedtime."

Yep, this is me. I am not interested in being a martyr. I do not have to do everything. Nine weeks ago I added "Mother" to my job description, but that does not mean that all of the other things that I like to do fell off of the list.

The only thing that I took sole charge of is the nighttime parenting. DH does have to get up to go to work, and since I do not, I have the luxury of napping with DD during the day. I am able to pump, and DD takes a bottle with no problems, so I know that allows me to have a little more "me time." Even if I could not, however, right now DD can easily go 2-3 hours without eating, so I could tank her up, hand her to DH and step out to the gym, Starbucks, shopping, whatever, with no problems.

I guess my question to the OP is, what would happen if you just handed your DH the kid and walked out the door? Sometimes people need to be gentle nudged (ok, pushed!) into situations for them to see that they can, indeed, handle it. When DH is with DD, he has his own way of diapering, swaddling, feeding, and interacting with her, and it is great! Is it my way? Nope. But who's to say that my way is the best just because I'm the mama? I also see, as a result of my "Here, it's *your* turn" attitude, that DD and DH are establishing their own way of communicating with each other. DD is just now beginning to smile and laugh, and she lights up when her Daddy enters the room. It is really a beautiful thing to see . . . as I grab my car keys and head out the door for a Frappacino!

[gracemamma]

Wow! Lots more posts- thanks mamas!

so a number of you bring up the giving a couple options route. I think this will be more successful. what keeps happening is I bring up that I'm exhausted, need help, want a baby-free hour on the weekends etc. and dh will either say "I'm sorry it's hard-what you say makes sense" or " hey I'm totally exhausted too/ jetlagged/ feeling sick" depending on his mood. however, unless I have an actual appt. I have to get to, he hasn't taken full responsibility, i.e. hands baby back for changing, going to the bathroom, if she cries (she must be hungry, right?)

I think I need to come to grips with the fact that this is how he is and then work from there with various strategies(as Peony and others have said they did with their dhs). I guess I just really wish dh was one of those oh so supportive and clued in spouses, but I need to work with what I have-it's sad though and makes me pretty angry. Especially right now that dd is going through some sort of strange stage/allergy issue where she has virtually stopped sleeping at night. It is so hard doing 24/7 alone for many days with minute sleep.

octobermoon- yeah-he doesn't get it. He gets that I am really P.O.ed right now but I think he feels like he left his friends and family in Italy for me 12 yrs ago. Misses them alot, he works hard- why shouldn't he get over there regularly? He started going back often while working for United and it was free and has kept it up since then.

When he was gone during my pregnancy, we'd ask family to come out and stay then this changed after the baby. I even oked him going on a 3 day retreat when dd was 5 weeks old because he had been out of work and was down. but I told him not to do this 3rd masters program in Italy and he signed up anyway-this really bugs me! Plus when he left in January dd and I got REALLY REALLY sick with some kind of flu. It hurt to move but I had to to care for dd-its up there with my 53 hrs of pit labor as one of the hardest things I've done. It would have been really nice to have a partner home to care for us.

I will say that he is a very loving dad who enjoys playing with his daughter. They are really crazy about each other and we are different in our parenting and I think its good for dd. I trust him with her and don't worry much when away because I know he loves her like I do. I think she'd like more time though. She cries sometimes when he goes to work and if he doesn't come to her immediately when home.

thanks again for all the suggestions!!!!!!!

[jdg]

If the offering choices works for you, you'll eventually establish some patterns as well. If the choice I'm offering DH includes cooking, he will always take the cooking as he actually enjoys it. So now we both know that he will cook dinner and that's just part of the pattern of our day. Again, he is highly distractible, so sometimes I have to remind him that it is getting late and it would be good to have dinner before bedtime, but he WILL do it.

There are several other instances in our daily schedules that originated as forced choices that are now just automatically done by both of us. Our entire morning before-work routine is very well established now. Though we'll have to rework it now that our LO is here.

[kismetbaby]

I have a friend IRL who's hubby cooks, does lots baby-duty, and all without being badgered into it. . .makes me jealous! I don't get many breaks either mama. . .I know how you feel. I do think my DH wants to be involved/helpful and has good intentions, but I think he often doesn't know how to help or just gets distracted. I have discovered that I dislike asking for help. . .but that's my problem. He's actually happy to help if I ask, he just won't jump in without a clear idea of what and when he needs to do. SO maybe just being clearer with your DH will help.

And I second the idea of leaving the house. Your DH may discover that he really loves his daddy-time if you make sure it happens. And it may be more relaxing for you to leave and let their time be their time (I know I'm often unrelaxed b/c DH is sitting at the computer during his "on" time, but I had to let that go. . . I can't tell him what to do with our LO when its their time.)