dealing with different parenting styles

[shanniesue2]

Okay, so I really really really don't want to be a judgemental parent. I really have a desire for other people to respect my parenting choices, and I feel like I need to do the same for other people.

But I struggle soooo much with this. When I see posts giving mainstream baby advice on FB; walking through the store seeing some child with a propped bottle; seeing a too young baby forward facing in a car seat; hearing parents tell me they just let their kids CIO at night; listening to moms talk about how they can't wait for their epidural; etc. etc. I just find myself getting so annoyed with people (sometimes flat our angry). And it's really dumb b/c I know my judging is really only causing me grief.

So how do you keep from judging other people for their parenting styles? I really need to get better at this. For my own sake if not for the sake of the other parents.

[~pi]

and kudos to you. I think this is a very important question, primarily for one's own well-being and confidence as a parent.

For what it's worth, I have my moments as well, but what really helps me is being aware of the true range of parenting choices. When you have a sense of what real neglect and abuse look like, lesser things pale in comparison. This isn't to say that I think they don't matter at all, but it helps me to have some perspective.

I also find it helpful to think about all the things that are important for children to grow and thrive, and how truly lucky children are to be born into families in developed countries with some sort of social safety net. The vast majority of the world's children are not anywhere that fortunate. Put another way, I really can't get too worked up about someone turning their child's car seat forward facing at a year when there are so many places in the world (some of which I have lived in) where children have a 1 in 5 chance of not making it past their fifth birthday, where the literacy rate is less than 20%, etc.

And finally, I think about how truly resilient children are, how there are no guarantees, and how the vast majority of parents love their children and do their best with the information and resources they have.

Hope this helps a little.

[leighi123]

Somethings arent a 'paranting style' though, they are saftey issues. Esp carseat issues! Its also illegal before 1 and 20, and you have AAP backing you up for kids older+bigger than that but still small enough that they should be rearfacing still
For things like that, I say something, but for everything else, if they ask, I will say what I did and why otherwise just say nothing.

[poppan]

I think I judge away in my head but I know it's not within my rights to say something, so I don't.

If it was a close friend I might try to broach the subject in a non-lectury way -- probably by asking why they did something and just have a conversation that's not rooted in "I'm right and you're wrong".

[InMediasRes]

I find that positive affirmations (like I did for myself for labor or self-esteem) work for how I think about other people too. Unless it's a safety issue, look for something positive about the parent or baby. I've found that, when I try to focus my thoughts on something nice about the person, I can see them in a better light, even if they're doing something I don't agree with. For instance, it used to make me so angry seeing babies in bucket seats sitting on shopping carts everywhere we go, but when I started focusing on the parents who were doing that, but were playing/talking/singing to their babies while they were in there, I realized how loved they were, even though mom was doing something different than I would have.

And my policy is that, if I find out what someone else does that's very different, I try to keep my opinions to myself unless I am asked. For instance, I have a friend who is very mainstream and has been sleep training her daughter (6mo) for a while now. I click really well with her, which is why I have continued the friendship, but when the sleep stuff comes up, I don't even mention that we co-sleep. I can commiserate about sleep struggles with anyone - we all have them! If she asks, I offer what I know about the age and what might be bothering her baby, but I let her come up with the solutions herself. Her baby, her decision - but now she has more information.

[annethcz]

Originally Posted by shanniesue2

So how do you keep from judging other people for their parenting styles? I really need to get better at this. For my own sake if not for the sake of the other parents.

OP, how do you keep from judging other people for their opposing political views? How do you avoid judging people who have differing religious views? People who make different lifestyle choices?

We're all on a journey, and we're all making the best choices we know how with the information we have.

[Joyster]

Originally Posted by shanniesue2

So how do you keep from judging other people for their parenting styles? I really need to get better at this. For my own sake if not for the sake of the other parents.

Really because I don't think my way is the best way. It's the best way for me and my family, but not necessarily the best for everyone. Unless it's abuse or safety, I'm pretty inclined to let people do their own thing.

I'm a SAHP, I believe strongly in it for my family, but it's not the best for everyone's family. Most of my mom friends WOH and their partners WOH. Sure most of them could cut back and go bare basics to SAH, but they wouldn't be happy, and if their family isn't happy, what good is that? So in the end, what good is my judgment? I can think of a million things I do as a parent that I think is best for my family that would make others miserable.

A year ago, I had a conversation with a very accomplished grandfather who's opinions I respect. He has two DDs with boys the same age in different parts of the country. He was telling me out of the blue how one DD parents more along the lines of AP, another is more mainstream. He remarked how in terms of happiness, behaviour, health, intelligence etc. there aren't any significant differences between the two children. That kind of sealed it for me.

I've also personally found my lack of judgment comes from my maturity as a parent. When I had my first and only and he was brand new, I felt that everyone had to be "educated" on this issue or that. After 4.5 years, a good dose of preschool, meeting many parents who do it differently than I do, but have happy well adjusted kids, I've learned that my way isn't the only way or even the best way for everyone.

[EdnaMarie]

I've also personally found my lack of judgment comes from my maturity as a parent. When I had my first and only and he was brand new, I felt that everyone had to be "educated" on this issue or that. After 4.5 years, a good dose of preschool, meeting many parents who do it differently than I do, but have happy well adjusted kids, I've learned that my way isn't the only way or even the best way for everyone.

I'm not sure if "mature" describes me, LOL, but my... experience? Having two kids has definitely taught me a thing or two. And yeah, the other happy kids...

As your child gets older, the obsessiveness (well, at least I was obsessive) with certain issues kind of fades. I think it's the hormones that have you on super mommy-alert. All babies are like your baby. Later it's easier to let go.

[new2this]

While hard to not judge at times, I think its easy to stop and say why is my way to be all end all. Sure it works for my family/myself but doesn't mean it will work for everyone else.

Its like all things in life from politics, religion and so on. To each their own.

[One_Girl]

I was like this to some extent when I first had my dd, but as my child aged I found that parenting is not as easy as it seems when your child is two. I started realizing when my dd was about two that letting myself dwell on what other people were doing and trying to "educate" other parents was making me more stressed out and that stress affected my parenting. I stopped letting myself dwell on this by using self talk and reminding myself to focus on my little girl. At first this was hard, but after seven years of being a mom I have had my share of good and bad parenting moments, moments were I didn't know what to do, moments where I just react, and moments where I just want my child to go to daycare for a day so I can have peace. I no longer feel that need to judge and educate parents because they seat their child a certain way, feed a certain way, want a pain free delivery, etc... Being a mom has become much more involved than it was when my dd was a toddler and I am far too busy judging and reflecting on my own parenting to worry about what someone else is doing.

[Hoopin' Mama]

I find it got easier as my child grew. Now sleep issues, nursing, introducing solids, etc. are no longer on the forefront of my mind. I am also not as good at mothering an opinionated 5yo as I was a nursing needy infant, and it's been humbling.

[shanniesue2]

Originally Posted by EdnaMarie

As your child gets older, the obsessiveness (well, at least I was obsessive) with certain issues kind of fades. I think it's the hormones that have you on super mommy-alert. All babies are like your baby. Later it's easier to let go.

Originally Posted by Hoopin' Mama

I find it got easier as my child grew. Now sleep issues, nursing, introducing solids, etc. are no longer on the forefront of my mind. I am also not as good at mothering an opinionated 5yo as I was a nursing needy infant, and it's been humbling.

These two really hit home for me. I feel like I did a great job with my babe as an infant. But I have been pretty obsessive about researching everything... doing everything just right (I have kind of an anxious personality and have been working on some of these issues with a therapist).
The other thing is that up until this point I have felt pretty confident about how good a job I was/am doing. The middle/older toddler phase is (and always has been--I've worked in early childhood for the last 6 years) the most challenging age for me. So I'm starting to feel way more unsure about my parenting skills.
Anyway, I'm still very much a work in progress... and I definitely appreciate all your input. It's very helpful!

[Joyster]

Originally Posted by EdnaMarie

I'm not sure if "mature" describes me, LOL, but my... experience? Having two kids has definitely taught me a thing or two. And yeah, the other happy kids...

Maturity is overrated. LOL My kids prevent me from growing up too fast.

[nina_yyc]

I think of how much I would want someone else intervening/commenting on my parenting style, and try to behave in the same manner towards others. I am often asked by people on the street where I got my sling or BabyHawk and am confident that I'm spreading the message by just living my life.

[madskye]

I can be judgmental, but then usually I just take a moment to remind myself that there are 99 areas in my own life right now that could use my own attention (and some improvement) so judging others is really a waste of time.

One thing though--to get passionate about judging strangers in the supermarket is probably a waste of your time. You don't know them, or what they're going through on any given day.

But, being honest with yourself about your feelings for family or friends can be constructive and save you a lot of negative thought. I have an extended family member that we've really limited contact with...I find myself in opposition to all of her choices, and a reasonable dialogue will never be had there. I concede that being around her makes my blood pressure spike so our contact is bare minimum, family events. And even then, I keep my distance as much as possible. I just don't need to even Go There, you know?

I have a friend on FB and I disagree with most of what he posts, and again, there's no reasonable dialogue that's coming out of it...so I blocked his posts from my wall. I don't need to read his thoughts every day, you know? I can always check his page when I feel like it.

So, I'm not judging you for judging others!

[FarrenSquare]

My close friend had a baby two months before I found out I was expecting. Since this is my first, I have to say that it has been an incredible help to have her and her son around as my "practice baby" so that I can get a really good idea of what it is like to have a newborn in my life again (It's been about four years since any of our other friends had a newborn!). Plus she is a single mom and I know my presence has really been a help for her, too.

The thing is, the more I get into learning about AP and my own parenting and discipline style (I'm a teacher specializing in early ed and special needs, so I'm not super fresh to young kids, just learning about a brand new perspective), I'm learning more about ages and stages and realizing that we disagree about pretty much everything. She fed breast milk for only about 3 weeks - all pumped because he had a cleft lip and palate, she decided babywearing was weird until recently, she believes in CIO and has been letting him do so since he was 3 months old (heartbreaking for me!!), she tells me I'm
"retarded" for wanting to cloth diaper, she started feeding him babyfoods at 4 months... I could go on and on and on.

I haven't said a thing. I can't! She's my friend and she is going to do whatever she wants no matter what I say, so why taint our friendship with my judgement? I will say it is hard to bite my tongue. I'll ask her about her choices and she justifies them to me and I say "mmm." so she knows I'm not agreeing with her, but soon I'll have my baby - and then will I really want her to be telling me all of her opinions about my choices? No, not really.

What I'm trying to say is, I understand where you are coming from - it is hard to see people making choices without telling them that there might be better choices out there... but ultimately, the peace is letting others make their own decisions is worth it - unless they are seriously abusive, neglectful, or unsafe.

[baglady]

I kind of hate the idea that people are either mainstream or AP. I think there are many more people who fall somewhere in between. I know people who forward faced at one year and also co-sleep. I know people who gave solids at 4 months and cloth diapered. I know losing my milk at 7 months postpartum was humbling. I got the looks in the mall from the AP ladies who saw me giving "poison" to my baby. Of course they had no idea how hard it was on me or how hard I worked to keep up the supply. They just assumed I was one of "those mothers."

I saw a lady in the grocery store the other day totally loaded up on junk food. I started to judge her in my head, then I looked at her face and saw exhaustion. She had bags under her eyes. Could she feed her kids better foods? yes. Is she doing all she is capable of right now? probably. I mean, heck, I've been known to give french fries to DS in my pregnancy exhaustion.

I try to keep in mind that, as parents, we are all doing the best we can, trying to get by.

I think it's hard not to be judgmental of any choice that someone makes that's different from your own whether it parenting, politics, lifestyle, etc. Sometimes people have the same information and make a different choice. Sometimes they don't have or want your information.

No judgment from me to you. I just try to put myself in someone else's shoes. If someone opens up a conversation about your choices, talk about it. Otherwise, assuming there isn't abuse/neglect, I'd assume they are parenting in the best way that they can and leave it at that.

[lindalu]

just want to say what a great thread i think this is! such wonderful/varied perpsective.

just last week, i teared up at walgreens while witnessing a mother give a six month old a 20oz pepsi to sip on -
then i felt guilty for being judgemental!
(i did have the thought that she would probably think i am a "bad" mama for my kids not having vaccines)- different choices.

having worked with young children for years before having my own, i did see parents who were "doing their best" - and yet, it actually was NOT good enough for the sake of the children.
but in most instances, "doing ones best" is probably good enough.

[TerraNoelle]

Originally Posted by lindalu

just want to say what a great thread i think this is! such wonderful/varied perpsective.

just last week, i teared up at walgreens while witnessing a mother give a six month old a 20oz pepsi to sip on -
then i felt guilty for being judgemental!
(i did have the thought that she would probably think i am a "bad" mama for my kids not having vaccines)- different choices.

having worked with young children for years before having my own, i did see parents who were "doing their best" - and yet, it actually was NOT good enough for the sake of the children.
but in most instances, "doing ones best" is probably good enough.

Agreed.

OP I struggle with this a lot as well. I'm going to go back and re-read all the great input.

I went to MOPS for about a year and honestly stopped because I was the most 'extreme' one. A few moms said they were AP, but they spanked, didn't co-sleep, and had "early" "self" weaned babies [like 8ish months]...it just didn't seem AP to me....though I understand that not all AP'ers do "everything." However, I can not get away from one thing and that is spanking. At the heart of it, for me personally, AP is about respecting and responding to your child as a fellow human being and when someone tells me they are AP but spank as a routine method of discipline, it makes me really wonder.

I also admit that I mainly hang with my LLL mama friends and just prefer it. I've been called an elitist, and well, I probably am on some level. It's just more comfortable for me.

[earthgirl]

This is something I've definitely been working on, too. Like pp mentioned, as my dd gets older and behavior issues become more frequent, I'm aware of how much I don't know. In some ways the infancy and early toddler stuff is so easy b/c so much of it just seemed so instinctual. There were just things that "felt right". But take, for example, when my dd tells me she can't come to the bathroom and get her teeth brushed b/c she doesn't have any legs, well, there's nothing inside just telling me how to handle that. All this to say, I'm now more aware of how so much of parenting is learning about yourself. I don't need to worry so much about what others are doing when I haven't even begun to figure out what I'm doing.

Also, when I do find myself being judgmental, I try to remind myself that I just don't have the whole story. Who knows what motivates people? If I'm close enough to the person, I can ask, but otherwise, I just assume people have their reasons for making the choices they make. Admittedly that's harder to do when there are things that seem to have very clear line between right and wrong (ie: carseat stuff), but it's at leas what I strive for.