what DON'T you want to hear from your PG friends?

[Piglet68]

Hello ladies. I'm going for lunch next week with an old friend I haven't seen in ages. She has been TTC for over a year now and the little bit I got from her when we ran into each other the other day tells me it's been a struggle. Of course, here's me PG with my second. I feel guilty!

Anyways, I'm worried about not handling myself right. I'm worried about saying something stupid like "oh, hang in there, I'm sure it will happen for you!". So I thought I would come here and ask your advice: tell me what you would want/not want to hear if you were meeting with an old friend who was PG and you were talking about your infertility issues?

TIA.

[EnviroBecca]

Recently, someone who's pregnant for the second time, both of them within 2 months of trying, said something like: "We know several couples who have struggled with infertility. It is so unfair! They deserve it just as much as we do. We feel very very fortunate." That was comforting to me.

The main thing I do NOT want to hear is complaints about pregnancy, esp. complaints about being pregnant at all or rueful comments about being too fertile.

[LiamnEmma]

The main thing I do NOT want to hear is complaints about pregnancy, esp. complaints about being pregnant at all or rueful comments about being too fertile

Okay, I don't belong in this forum, but before I had kids, we had two miscarriages while everyone I knew seemed to be having babies all over the place. I totally agree with this. The woe is me "I'm so unfortunate" thing does not sit well with someone who is dying to have a baby and generally very willing to deal with any kind of discomfort. I still find myself cringing when people complain about pregnancy, thinking, "Oh boy, if you only knew how lucky you are." But piglet, frankly, you don't strike me as that insensitive by any stretch of the imagination. Something I do believe is that it has to be harder to go month after month without getting pregnant. I get pregnant very easily, it was figuring out how to get them to stick that was more difficult, but at least I knew I could get pregnant. That was comforting, and I've always felt that people who don't even know if they can get pregnant have it much worse than I ever did. to all.

Leah

[AdinaL]

Thirding the complaining about pregnancy. Nothing worse than hearing whining about the exact situation you want to be in. We know pregnancy is tough - and we still want to get there.

"Oh don't worry, it'll happen for you" followed by a topic change. Makes me feel like I have just been blown off.

Just make sure you tell them that when they have heard enough, to tell you. And when they tell you, okay enough, graciously change the subject. Sometimes it is fine to hear all about the plans and the baby and yada yada yada - and sometimes it just isn't.

You will be fine piglet - you are a very sensitive and thoughtful person.

[Astrid]

I agree with not complaining about pregnancy.

Also, don't say "Just relax and it will happen" Very common advice and just what we don't want to hear!

The fact that you are concerned shows that you are a very kind and sensitive person Im sure you wont say anything 'wrong'

[Piglet68]

thanks, ladies!

I would never try to hurt anyone, and I always try to be sensitive, but I have foot-in-mouth syndrome - I speak before I think sometimes! And often, things just come out wrong.

the advice you've given me has been really helpful!

[Clueless]

The fact that you asked this question shows that you are a good friend and a sensitive, caring person. As someone who is going on two years of trying to have a child, I agree with what the others have said. I add these, which seem pretty obvious, but aren't obvious to everyone:

- Don't say anything along the lines of "It will happen when the time is right," "I'm sure God has a plan," or "I'm sure this is a blessing in disguise." These things make it sound like we are not yet deserving, whereas you must be completely deserving since you're pregnant.

- Don't avoid the subject or quickly dismiss it with statements like "If you quit thinking about it all the time or start filling out adoption applications, you'll get pregnant right away." Everyone has stories about this happening, and we've heard enough of them.

- Don't say things like "You're still young, you have plenty of time." That's hard to hear when we've already been waiting a long time.

- Don't question their approach to trying to conceive or offer advice about anything in the bedroom. Questions about timing of intercourse, advice about putting legs in the air, etc. -- those subjects are best avoided.

- Do express that the situation sucks, it is absolutely unfair, there is no good reason why you should be blessed with children while she is struggling, etc.

- If you know her well enough, do ask how she's feeling about it, how she's coping with the struggle, how she and her husband are doing. She probably doesn't have many people she can talk to about her feelings.

- Do pay attention to her cues. If she is comfortable talking about your pregnancy and your baby, she will let you know. Just remember that she is in a lot of pain and is feeling extra sensitive about topics involving babies.

I wish I had more friends like you who were careful and understanding about this!

[CortLong]

I would NOT want to have someone skirt around it, or complain about being pregnant, or have them tell me to just relax, or have them tell me what they would do in my shoes (esp. since they prob. haven't ever experienced what I'm going through).

[Sarah and Brandon]

I agree with most things said here. We tried for a couple years going thru many painful treatments. Finally thru IVF we have a son. I m/c in November and have been trying since. Looks like IVF is what we need again. I hated it when my friends dismissed it like it was no biggy. And the worst thing ever, being told it just wasn't right or it's God's plan. No person going thru this wants to hear that poor excuse.

I don't mind hearing about pg pains, heck I had them with my son. But complaining about getting pg on a whime does a bit. I am one of those people where I don't want my friends to feel they can't tell me what's on their mind because I can't get pg. If you have back pain and can't walk, talk to me about it. I'm ok with that. I never want my friends to think they have to hold their breath around me. But I do want them to be sensitive to my feelings.

You sound like a great person and I am sure your friend sees that and appreciates that.
Sarah

[Mizelenius]

I feel lucky, very lucky, to have not had fertility issues thus far. (I know that can always change!) However, I worked for a fertility clinic (doin' admin stuff-- nothing important) in my 20s and geeze, was it a wake-up call. I never, ever took fertility for granted since then . . .I think if you convey that attitude of not taking it for granted, you won't get the foot-in-the-mouth syndrome (not that I think you would anyway).

[Suzetta]

It is nice that you are considering your friend's feelings. I that the best thing to do is just ask her to let you know if you are crossing any lines.

Many folks who go through IVF are sensitive to those who get pg easily...but not all of us are that way. I went through four years and six cycles, and never once was I bothered by someone else getting pg easily or having babies. To me, their fertility has absolutely nothing to do with my infertility.

I actually chose not to share my struggle with even my closest friends, because I didn't want anyone pussyfooting around me, worrying about what to say or what not to say.

Congratulations on your miracle to be!

[DesireeH]

The "just relax" thing bothered me too. Oh sure, when you have been in my place for 3 years and have had 3 m/c you "just relax" and it will happen. :

Other than that I enjoyed when my friends talked about their pregnancies, the good and the bad. I dont think they should not be able to complain about the discomforts of pregnancy just because I have fertility issues. Infertility is a struggle, btdt, but complicated pregnancies are a struggle as well and I dont feel they should have hidden their complaints just to spare my feelings, ykwim?

It's very nice you are considering your friends feelings.

[merpk]

Not intending to hijack the thread, but it's a relevant question, I think ...

Is it fair or polite or even remotely acceptable to ask questions about status?

Background: We have friends who've been married for 10-11 years, and have been TTC since the day of their wedding. Over the years they were there for us for our miscarriages and for our births ... and she & I have talked about their struggles to conceive. She used to talk about her doctor visits, his reluctance to go, etc., etc., etc. And BTW our DHs are much closer than we ever were. Last time we spoke about it, her DH was finally agreeing to deal with it here (they were planning to move overseas, and he kept saying "I'll go to the doctors there, not here").

Anyway, is it okay for me to bring the subject up with her, to ask if he's gone and what's happening? Or is it okay for DH to bring it up with him?

Or should we just leave it alone and assume if they want us to know they'll tell us?

[Laurel]

If you've had these kinds of discussions in the past, I think it would be perfectly OK to ask.

As far as a more general answer, I think all infertile people handle this so differently. I love to talk about it, and I really want people to ask how things are going. I need that validation of my experience. When people don't ask it makes me feel like they don't care. I think infertility will always remain shameful as long as it is a taboo subject. I think it needs to be out in the open. But I know women who do not want to discuss it with anyone and would think a person rude and intrusive for asking about something so personal. I think your past history of talking with this couple is indicative that they wouldn't find your question offensive, so I say, "Ask"

[gonnabeamom]

I would definitely say Ask.

My sister has had some infertility probs, back before we had them, and she was good enough to tell me at one point, when I'm ready to talk I'll let you know.

You might want to preface it "I don't know if you'd rather not talk about this, but I have been wondering how things are going for you, and thinking about you"

Then if they don't want to talk about it they've got an easy way to say so, and you're not guessing whether to bring it up the next time.

[2+twins]

To the OP - I've been through both infertility and 2 m/c's so I know what's been hurtful to me. For one, I actually NEEDED to talk about it (esp the m/c's) so don't avoid the topic if she seems to want to talk. I despised being told that things were happening "for the best", that I'd get the baby I was "meant to have" or that it was "God's plan". None of that flew with me and it made me feel even worse. A little off-topic, but when I was newly pregnant with my 4th (following 2 m/c's), my newly pregnant friend who had been pregnant with me for my first told me how this time it would work out b/c we were pregnant together before and so it just HAD to be fine. She kept harping on this, not thinking (apparently) for a second how hard it would be for me if I lost this one too and had to watch her go through her same-timed pregnancy and hear all about it. I also agree that you should not put any negative spin on pregnancy - she'll only resent you for that. I really think you'll do fine. Just treat her sensitively - maybe offer to be there so she can vent. She just needs support and they may be in the form of letting her be (you'll have to feel out the situation).

To the 2nd question - I say that the last post put it perfectly (preface it like they said). That will show how much you care. Sometimes people in that situation may have already talked about it with other people and feel like they've talked TOO much. After all, for them it's probably become the center of their world. They might feel like they're boring or burdening people with their problems.