Being with other kids

[juju1]

I've posted before about this - maybe a year ago. My son is 3.5 and finds being around other kids really hard. He loves older kids, and really craves friends, but he has major territorial/sharing dramas that often make it impossible to actually play with other kids. He has a few friends that he has known since he was born and these relationships are really great for him - as long as they play outside or at their house. Having kids to play at our house has been almost impossible for a loooong time - he just cannot handle them playing with his stuff, or playing with it in the 'wrong' way. I've tried lots of different approaches to make this easier but things really haven't shifted much. It was easier to just go to other peoples houses - where he didn't have the same anxiety going on.
The thing is we have just moved to another country where we don't know anyone or speak the language. We went to the playground the other day and all the old dramas were back big time. Agony over another kid using a spade in the 'wrong' way etc etc. I know he is really confused and tired and needs lots of time to get used to our new home...But does anyone have any ideas for helping your child come to terms with not being in control when playing with other kids? He is a really cool kid, hilarious and smart and fun. I really wish I could help him loosen up a bit so he can actually play with other kids - which is what he says he really wants. It also looks like we might not be able to get into kindergarten for at least 6 months (we are here for a year) so we are definitely gonna need some strategies for hanging out with other kids!

[momasana]

That sounds stressful, mama. Especially being in a new country and not speaking the language.

Is there any place to take him for some highly structured play so he can build confidence and make friends without the stress of trying to make up rules/games as they go?

[juju1]

Yes! That's a good idea. If he could be somewhere where everyone was doing the same kind of thing it would help I think. Thanks, I will see what I can find. Anyone else have a kiddo with similar temperament? Or advice?

[mrskingred]

In the town where I live they have the ludoteka for children 3 and above. It runs from 5-7pm M-F. While I was waiting to get DS into some sort of preschool we used it and met some other children. It was free and I didn't have to stay, so I could get a little bit of a break if he would let me leave. It's finished for the summer - they are doing a summer program for those who subscribed starting next week. In front of the ludoteka is a play ground and many parents meet there after the local primary school gets out at around 5pm.
I also don't speak any of the languages here, but I can now speak a little spanish.
DS gets very easily frustrated and I think his lack of language is a big factor in this. He is improving slightly - whether this is age related as he will be 4 next month or because he has made some friends at school, I can't say.
He still gets territorial when we have playdates at home - being outside at the playground is much easier for me and we can always leave.

[juju1]

I will see what sort of things they have here - in Germany. Being outside is so important for us too. How long has it taken for your DS to settle in your new country?

[mrskingred]

We arrived here at the beginning of February. He started in the local Basque language preschool/primary school at easter. He still is not totally settled - he asks for his old preschool and friends there. However he has invited some classmates to his birthday party in a couple of weeks time and plays with other kids at the playground.
I went to his school today and got his report (translated into english as I don't read/speak any euskara). They are pleased with how he is settling in and say that he speaks a few words/understands euskara. I do have to work with him on social interactions, obeying the teacher etc. His new school is very formal and structured compared to his school in england which followed a "forest school" ethos, so its not only the different school/language but also learning style.
It helped a lot when he went to the school as we had to be more structured and also we met many more parents/children. We would stay after school and the kids woulds have their merianda and play for an hour or so.
I'm signing him up for swim lessons next week so we may meet some other kids there.

p.s It's a shame we're not in germany as I took german classes at school.

[juju1]

OK, I was thinking about 6 months. My DS is such an intense kid maybe it will take the whole year! Funny, I tried to get my DS into the forest kindergarten here as it would have been perfect for him - outside, less pressure etc. But they have no places until April of next year. Sob. And I wish I was in Spain where I can at least get by in Spanish (although no Euskara). Wanna swap?

Maybe things will be easier as he heads to 4. He is certainly not the type pf kid who can handle swimming lessons and the like. Any type of pressure to behave in a particular way/follow a particular structure and he freaks out. He's great after about 6 weeks of something, but those 6 weeks are real hard. Being in a different place has really reminded me how much I have organised our life around these difficulties with change and transition. The poor kid - being uprooted to the other side of the world. Anyone else have any tips with change/needing to be in control etc? Thanks.

[mrskingred]

The poor kid - being uprooted to the other side of the world.

It's really difficult isn't it, stressful not only for you but then you worry about the children. Is this the first move for your DS?

This is the 3rd country and 5th house that my DS has lived in and he's not quite 4. I think its getting harder as he is older. I do not want to move again!

The swim lessons may or may not work out. The instructors don't speak english and the parents observe. If he really hates it, I'll pull him.

We have major problems with transition. DS never wants to leave the house to go somewhere, and once we are there and its time to go home, he doesn't want to leave. We do give him timed warnings and explain in advance. He also has major meltdowns. He's also gotten more affectionate - wants to be carried all the time, tells us he loves us all the time. I don't believe DS is as intense as your son, but his previous school described him as a free-spirit and he certainly fits a lot of the criteria in Kurchinkas books.

I hope that you get some other responses and meet some friendly mums/kids. Have you tried other expat forums - I just googled this - http://www.toytowngermany.com/lofi/i...p/t113564.html

[juju1]

Yep - first move. Ug. Poor you doing this three times! Thanks so much for your responses. I am trying to focus on the basics - sleeping and eating and being outside and (try to) not worry about too much else for a while. I really hope he stops being so sad soon!