Not a homeschooler, but having problems learning at home

[shishkeberry]

I am just so frustrated with my DS! He acts like he's ready to learn how to read and write (asking what things say and pointing out letters and such) and he can write his first name pretty well. The problem is that whenever I try to teach him his letters, he has a complete meltdown! Like freak out! He'll try it once and if he doesn't get it right the first time he just bursts into tears, yells that he can't do anything right, and says he's a stupid boy. Over and over again it's "I can't do it! I don't know how!" no matter how many times I tell him that all it takes is a little practice. He just won't try!

And then I get upset and angry (I don't have a lot of patience ) and need a time out before I start saying mean things...I don't want to do that! But he just frustrates me so much. And then when I walk away because I need a break he just starts crying about how he's just trying to make me happy but he can't do it. Help? I try being gentle about it but when he won't even make an effort, I have to walk away. I just have to. He says it's just too hard to even try.

[ancoda]

I don't know what you have tried so I do not know if anything I have to say will help or not. What works for us is having very low key activities that are also learning opportunities. Maybe letting him play on the ABC part of starfall.com will help teach letters without him knowing he is learning.

[shishkeberry]

He can recognize all of the letters of the alphabet, so I'm not teaching him that. I'm trying to teach him how to write them. So far we haven't done anything but capital letters and I'm trying to teach him how to write the names of people that he knows to keep it interesting. I write the letter first a few times and explain what I'm doing, then we do it together a few times (with my hand guiding) but when I pass it off for him to try by himself is when he has his meltdown.

Unless I am helping him with my own hand he just gives up.

[JamieCatheryn]

Have you tried having him copy lines and shapes, playing at art together while he's not thinking about letters? What about lining up things the create shapes and letters of sticks, buttons, beans, etc?

[MamaMonica]

Another idea is to take a cake pan or cookie sheet and dust it with flour, then have him draw the letters with his finger in the flour- or just draw whatever he wants. He may not be quite ready to write his letters. At six my ds was just starting to write them (whereas dd started much younger...every child is different).

[chfriend]

Try taking a look at Handwriting Without Tears. (yes that's really the name). The materials are inexpensive and straightforward. My 5 year old really likes them.

It sound like how you are teaching may not be meeting him where he is developmentally or in terms of his learning style. (How does he put together a lego figure? Does he look at the directions, have you read them, just jump in? This can give you guidance on how to approach a new skill with him.)

Also, it may help to know that fun fine motor skill activities may help just as much as "practicing" writing.

Or spend a month or two just guiding his hand since he finds that pleasant.

Have you looked at why it's causing you to have such strong feelings when he doesn't get it right?

[SagMom]

Your title says you're not homeschooing--is there a reason you're trying to teach him to write? Is this something his school has said he should work on at home?

Originally Posted by shishkeberry

He acts like he's ready to learn how to read and write (asking what things say and pointing out letters and such) and he can write his first name pretty well.

To me, this means that he's ready to ask and hear what things say, and to point out letters and write his own name. And that's it. This is where he's at right now. It doesn't necessarily mean he's ready to learn to write all his letters OR to learn to read. In fact, his "freaking out" would make me believe that he's definitely NOT ready.

I think you have to meet him where he is in his development. For now, I'd continue to answer his "what does this say?" questions. I'd read to him a lot. And I'd back off of trying to teach him this right now. I'd be concerned that this cycle you describe would make him resistant to learning to read/write even when he's ready, developmentally.

[shishkeberry]

Thanks for all the great ideas! I need to try some of them and I'm going to look into that book, chfriend.

Originally Posted by chfriend

Have you looked at why it's causing you to have such strong feelings when he doesn't get it right?

Oh, I know why. I have no patience for anyone that doesn't know what I already know or immediately get it after I explain it once or twice. (Which is why I'm not homeschooling...it would be unbearably stressful for both of us.) I know this is unreasonable to expect of an almost 6 year old, but there it is. I had already been reading and writing for 2-3 years by the time I was his age. I know it's not fair to compare him to my younger self but I can't help but do it. It's not his fault, either. I was gifted/advanced and he's just about average. Not anything wrong with that, but I'm finding it hard to cope with. It wouldn't upset me quite so much with DS if he would just try instead of giving up so quickly.

ETA:

Your title says you're not homeschooing--is there a reason you're trying to teach him to write? Is this something his school has said he should work on at home?

No, he doesn't start kindergarten until this fall. I didn't feel he was ready to start last year. I just felt that maybe he was ready for writing and I should be working on it with him before he starts school. I was feeling guilty that I wasn't working on it with him until recently.

Ugh, maybe I am pushing too hard because of what I said earlier? Because I feel like he should be doing these things already because I already could? This is hard.

[mykdsmomy]

Originally Posted by shishkeberry

I know this is unreasonable to expect of an almost 6 year old, but there it is. I had already been reading and writing for 2-3 years by the time I was his age. I know it's not fair to compare him to my younger self but I can't help but do it.

First I just want you to know I have a ds the same age as yours. He is special needs and is learning very very very (did I mention very?) slowly. I understand the frustration

I mean this in the most supportive way possible (It's hard to convey that across the internet so I wanted to make sure what I'm about to say is understood )

I think you need to really reflect on your own words. You say you know it's unreasonable but you can't help yourself feeling frustrated or impatient with him. He feels your stress and impatience. No matter what tone or inflection you're using with him, he knows that he is not as smart as mommy. You may have never verbally told him this but children are extremely sensitive to our emotions. I believe you need to come to terms with the fact that he is not you and will not learn like you did. (I know you say you know this but I think it needs to sink in more). Also, even if he's in school, you will still need to help him with homework, etc. This is something that will come up again and again. He needs help with his self esteem. He is feeling like he can't do anything right. He needs to know that failing is a part of learning. We try, we fail, we learn. It's ok to fail. I think it's something that you, yourself may need to learn as well. (Again, please please understand that this is just something I have had to learn on my own. I don't know you or your family dynamics. It's just my opinion based on what you wrote).

Good luck and I definitely recommend the Handwriting without Tears program as well

[reignbelle]

I'd just drop it for now. Most kids start kindergarten with minimal writing skills. Get some cheap writing workbook, some tracing paper, guide his hand. keep it fun and don't put so much pressure on your self to teach him. Have fun doing the enjoyable prewriting skills.

[shishkeberry]

Originally Posted by mykdsmomy

I mean this in the most supportive way possible (It's hard to convey that across the internet so I wanted to make sure what I'm about to say is understood )

I think you need to really reflect on your own words. You say you know it's unreasonable but you can't help yourself feeling frustrated or impatient with him. He feels your stress and impatience. No matter what tone or inflection you're using with him, he knows that he is not as smart as mommy. You may have never verbally told him this but children are extremely sensitive to our emotions. I believe you need to come to terms with the fact that he is not you and will not learn like you did. (I know you say you know this but I think it needs to sink in more). Also, even if he's in school, you will still need to help him with homework, etc. This is something that will come up again and again. He needs help with his self esteem. He is feeling like he can't do anything right. He needs to know that failing is a part of learning. We try, we fail, we learn. It's ok to fail. I think it's something that you, yourself may need to learn as well. (Again, please please understand that this is just something I have had to learn on my own. I don't know you or your family dynamics. It's just my opinion based on what you wrote).

Good luck and I definitely recommend the Handwriting without Tears program as well

You're right. He doesn't need to be doing what I could already do. I don't ever want him to think that I'm disappointed in him as a person. I love him! I think maybe my being advanced as a child has led me to have unrealistic ideas of where a child his age should be and that's not fair to my DS. I'm going to drop it for now unless he asks me to help him. I can be happy that he can write his name. That's still pretty good! When we registered for kindergarten he passed all the tests and the lady said that he is definitely ready. So he's not behind their expectations of what pre-K kids can and can't do.

I do wish things came to him as easily as they did for me, but it's ok that they don't. Keep telling myself that it's ok. He's normal.

[Smithie]

My ds just completed kindy at home, and writing is definitely his weakest area. I wish that I had not pushed it so early - we pushed it for two full years (ages 4-6) before he began to write (or draw, or cut n' paste, or anything) spontaneously. Part of it was that he was in OT to address diagnosed delays, so pushing fine motor work was part of the intervention, but still. I could probably have ignored it and it still would have gone away as his brain matured.

What I'm going to suggest to you, because it worked so well for US, is to find another academic area in which your child excels and spend some time doing that. My son, for instance, is a very good reader. The self-esteem he gets from KNOWING that he's a good reader gives him the inner resources to tackle the harder things without sinking down into the despair of "I'm stupid." Even though your son is going to school in the fall, that doesn't mean it's not a good idea for you and he to build up some positive experiences of doing academic work together. He's going to have homework, and he'll need your help.

[mysticmomma]

I'd just scoop him up in a big bear hug and slather him with noisy smooches all the while telling him how awesome it is that he tries something new! I'd try doing that BEFORE the meltdown. Like when my ds was nursing and teething, I'd have to watch for cues that he was going to bite down to save my nipples. You could try doing 3 things and then moving on to something else, a snack... story time, etc. Another good thing for you would be to show him how to deal with those emotions. Sometimes I make a BIG deal about being angry. Kids love drama. So, if I drop something, or forget something or screw up somehow, I'll stomp my feet and say oh shucks shoot... I'm so flinging flanging mad... I hate it when I xyz!!! On your part, YOU are going to have to let go of perfectionism and find some peace in his learning process. I don't know HOW... and I'm sure you know that you need to do that too, since you are on here posting, but I just wanted to validate that you can, and you will... because you are a great mom!

[SagMom]

Originally Posted by shishkeberry

I do wish things came to him as easily as they did for me, but it's ok that they don't. Keep telling myself that it's ok. He's normal.

I'm sure some things DO come as easily to him as they did for you. Some things probably come EASIER to him than they did to you. You maybe need some more time to find out what those things are, since he's little, but I firmly believe that we all have our talents. Be open to what he's good at and recognize those things when you see them. Reading and writing are, after all, not the only important things in life! I'm sure he will read and write, and I guarantee that when he's grown, no one will be able to guess if he did it at 3 or 6 or 10.

[iris777888]

I was recently doing some reading about visual/spatial learners and your post made me think of this because of how he gave up so easily and was well attuned to your feelings as the teacher. Just thought I'd bring it to your attention in case you think it fits your son. http://www.gifteddevelopment.com/Vis...earner/vsl.htm
Whether it does or not, it might help you to realize his learning style and how it differs from yours.

To commisserate a bit, I also had an easy time of school (with algebra as the exception) and have very high expectations for myself. It can be hard not to apply this same standard to others (DH, coworkers, etc.). I am trying hard to make sure I do not bring this perfectionism into interactions with my son. I tell myself that he is his own person, not a mini me. He's too young for me to know yet how he'll do academically, and I imagine it will get harder to keep this POV as he gets older.

Anyway, good luck and enjoy your son! I'm sure there are some things he is great at -- perhaps even better than his mom!