DS and playgroup

[shanniesue2]

Okay, as a working mom of a single child (I'm a teacher so I have summers off) I haven't had many opportunities to parent DS while there are other children around. I recently joined a playgroup and had my first playgroup session with them today. DS seemed to be very possessive of all the toys available for play (not at our house). I know that the mentality of "if I want it, it's mine" is very normal for a 2 year old. So I'm not worried about that...(ETA let me clarify, I'm not worried that he's exhibiting unusual behaviors b/c this is typical... I am concerned for helping him develop past these behaviors) I'm mostly wondering how much intervening I should be doing and what is the best approach for intervention?

I felt like I was constantly intervening today (in an hour, I probably stepped in a dozen or so times). When DS would try to take a toy from another child and I sensed that it would lead to physical behaviors or a tantrum, I would approach and say, "Oh, A was playing with that. Say, 'can I have a turn, please?'" then he would demand 'I HAVE TURN... PLEASE!' (I try not to worry about tone of voice at this point)... and he would still try to yank it out of the child's hand. Then I would tell him, "Well, it looks like A still wants to play with that toy. Let's go play with xyz." This never worked. He was very fixated on what he wanted and did lots of grabbed and yanking toys away. A few times, he was even trying to remove other children's hands from the toy they were using. At one point, I found myself pulling the toy away from him to give back to the other child and realized I was doing the same thing he was and we were having a tug of war with the toy. (duh) So I stopped pulling on the toy and simply removed him and tried to find another toy. I felt like I was hovering the entire time... and I'm just not sure how much I should be involved with trying to sort out sharing issues... and I really don't think that what I was trying to do was very effective. Does someone please have some advice for me?

[shanniesue2]

no tips?

[One_Girl]

What were the other moms doing during the playgroup? Were they hands on or did they let the kids work it out? Two is a very young age to do playgroups that involve playing with toys. If they were going to the park or the pool it may be funner for all of you, but at two that is pretty much how kids play. A structured mom and toddler class may be funner than a playgroup at this point. If you are looking for interaction with other adults then a book group or an adult class may be a funner way to go if you can get a babysitter you trust for that amount of time. Have you tried posting in the toddler forum? You may find tips from people who are in playgroups currently.

[Tjej]

Personally, I think you did the right thing. Although I intervene whenever I see my 2yo taking/grabbing forcefully - wether I think the other child is going to be upset about it or not. Now, we have practiced this a lot, so I don't have to be right there much at all anymore. But for a while, it was a lot of interveneing.

As far as yanking a toy from your child - yeah, doesn't send the right message. I do make sure my child does not keep the toy, though. No grab, whine and win here! I wait and insist my child give the toy back, and if he won't, I do take it. IF he fights me on it I wait more and explain again. I essentially wear him down. DS will still say no and hand it over to me, so I don't necessarily win him over to the idea every single time, but I don't wrestle it from him (this sounds like it happens a lot - actually he seems to have developed a pretty fair sense of what is right/wrong as far as taking stuff goes and is usually very good about it, unless it is with his sister... then he pushes the boundaries a little more often...).

All of that said - it does matter what sort of a group you are in and what the other kids are used to. If the other kids will stick up for themselves then letting THEM tell your DS they don't like what he is doing and expecting the toy back is IMO generally better than it coming from you all the time. But if the other kids aren't ready to do that then yeah, I think it is very right for you to be diligently teaching your son how to treat others kindly.

Tjej

[shanniesue2]

Originally Posted by One_Girl

What were the other moms doing during the playgroup? Were they hands on or did they let the kids work it out? Two is a very young age to do playgroups that involve playing with toys. If they were going to the park or the pool it may be funner for all of you, but at two that is pretty much how kids play. A structured mom and toddler class may be funner than a playgroup at this point. If you are looking for interaction with other adults then a book group or an adult class may be a funner way to go if you can get a babysitter you trust for that amount of time. Have you tried posting in the toddler forum? You may find tips from people who are in playgroups currently.

DS was really the only one being grabby with toys... so the other moms weren't really having to deal with it. But DS was the oldest one in the group so it may be that he is the only one who's really gotten to the that stage. The other kids were pretty happy just to parallel play with limited interaction.

I did send an email to the other moms who were there asking them for tips, and mostly what I got back was that his behavior is normal and not to worry about it too much--so I feel a little better.

[Carhootel]

Originally Posted by shanniesue2

I did send an email to the other moms who were there asking them for tips, and mostly what I got back was that his behavior is normal and not to worry about it too much--so I feel a little better.

That's good. I have seen 2 year olds do this at playgroups and while I think it's socially appropriate for the mom to step in and address it the way you did, it doesn't really seem to be very effective in a playgroup setting. I have a 16mo and when he's in playgroups and at the YMCA daycare with 2 year olds he doesn't really care when they grab stuff out of his hands, even though moms are very apologetic and try to tell their kid to give it back my ds hasn't gotten the whole "MINE!" thing yet so I don't really care. Glad you're feeling better though, its ounds like you handled it right

[earthmama369]

Yeah, that's about where I was when ds was two. Not every toddler hits that stage, or hits it as hard, but it's certainly well within the range of normal and as negative as the term seems to be, I found it to be the right time for me to be a helicopter parent for a while.

[ssh]

We didn't do playgroups at that age unless they were at a playground. Once our DD was 3 she was ready for play dates and group play.

[dziwozony]

If I was at that playgroup, I would appreciate you intervening. Getting posessive about toys is totally normal behavior, but I know it stops being fun really fast when a kid keeps snatching toys & the mum doesn't really stop it. My kids are the ones who get things taken from them (they have their own issues, of course!! Sharing just isn't presently one of them), & we have stopped going over to some friend's houses b/c of how poorly the posessiveness was handled by the parent.

I'm definitely into encouraging kids to learn to work things out themselves, but intervention is needed for 2 yr olds with aggressive behavior that interupts the play of others. It sounds like you did well, life is kind of a broken record sometimes at this age! Most kids move on from the phase once they have exhausted the boundry testing & develop more patience.

But I agree sometimes it's much easier to avoid the issue all together & head out to public places when you can!

(hope I wasn't sounding too negative about the toy snatching, many toddlers do it! It's just that it's our issue from the other side at the moment. My 3yo likes to tackle other children, that's our thing-to-work-on! )

[EzzysMom]

I think you did the right thing. Yes it's exhausting and frequent. I especially agree with telling/showing him how to get the thing he wants in the appropriate manner. I can't stand it when mom's just go 'no no no!' to the kid and pull them away. There's nothing inherently wrong with kids wanting to play with a toy that someone else has, they just have to learn to wait for a turn and not grab it. It's going to take those kids a lot longer without someone showing them how, they'll just wait till mom's back is turned and then grab.

[Boot]

Sounds like you did great. Consistency and repetition are key. Just one thought - do you have any casual, drop in play areas near you? Like a train table outside a toy store, or a coffee shop with a few toys in the corner? These are great places to practice sharing because you can just stay for a few minutes at a time and easily leave if it gets too much for the child.

Does he usually have interaction with other kids? If so, you could ask your caregiver how they handle it. My DS is pretty good with 'taking turns' and I think it's partly because I've had a little daycare girl to look after too so they've had lots of practice. The other day he went over to play with a neighbour and the mum told me that he had 'taught' her son how to share which I thought was cute.

[BetsyS]

I have a snatcher. I try to be diligent about it all. the. time. At home, at playdates, at a store, wherever. He's almost 4 (!), and it's much, much better than it was at 2, but it's still a problem.

I typically avoid 90% of at-home playdates because of this. We do much better at playdates that are at the park, where there aren't toys to quibble over.

[lisavark]

OP, my daughter is five days older than your son.

And she definitely has her grabby moments! Like other posters, I think you handled it perfectly. Even if younger kids don't mind having toys snatched, I still think we need to teach our two year olds that that is NOT appropriate behavior. However, I also am really careful about not forcing DD to share when she's playing with something and another kid wants it. She goes to a Montessori preschool and I really like their mentality--if kid A has something and kid B wants it, then kid B needs to either wait or find something else to do until kid A WANTS to let the other one have a turn. So when my DD is using something and another kid wants it, I never make her share, but I point out that the other kid wants it and ask if she wants to give him a turn. She pretty much always does, and then I try to get them to give her another turn pretty quickly. They're usually pretty willing to let her have another short turn seeing as she just handed them the toy a minute ago. I find that taking turns works MUCH better than sharing at this age--and the turns have to be very short (like less than a minute) or the one who's waiting will lose patience and grab.

And my daughter will still sometimes bite if somebody tries to grab. Count your blessings if grabbing is the worst thing you're intervening on!