Explaining to a three year old about absent daddy

[Kylad]

My three year old son has recently starting asking about his daddy, like where he is and to quote him, "why go bye bye?" He hasn't seen in over eight months, and maybe a handful of times before that since he was about eighteen months, and rarely talks to him on the phone, (he(my oldest) refuses to talk to him, though I think this has more to do with boredom then the fact that it's his father)
I'm at a lose on how to explain his father to him, we're two states away and due to the fact that his father has a drug, alcohol and violence problem, he won't see him any time soon.
Truthfully I didn't really expect questions until he was older, but it's here though I tried my best telling him about all the people that loved him, and that I'd always be here, but I still feel like I didn't explain it well, he's still confused and to tell the truth so am I.
On top of that when is the right age to explain, I have a one year old son as well, I don't want them thinking the man they came from is a horrible person, but I don't want to lie to them.
How do you even start with some thing like this?
LOL I have a lot of questions I guess, but thanks for looking.

[lucysmom]

Yep. Hard questions. Sounds like you are explaining a lot of important things very well (especially that you will not leave and they can count on you to be around).

My DD's dad is still around, so for me the question that must be answered is not why he left, but why we split up. The real answer is similar to yours. But both for the reason you identified (don't want to make her think a person from whom she came is bad), and so as not to compromise the relationship they will develop going forward, I haven't explained those reasons.

On the other hand, as you say, it is crucial to me not to mislead her or lie to her.

So working backward from those principles, I've said things that are true but general, like "your dad and I did not have a good relationship and though we tried to fix that for a long time, it became clear that it would be best for both of us and for you if we lived separately." Then I always add "this did not have anything to do with you -- you did not cause it and it was happening already before you were born." And then "I have good wishes for your dad and hope life goes well for him."

When her dad is struggling with his own issues and cannot/does not see her or have her stay with him, I have explained "your dad has some things he has to deal with right now. They are challenging and require a lot of energy from him. He loves you" (obviously include only if you think that is true) "and hopefully pretty soon he'll get things sorted out so he'll be more available to you."

Many years from now, I imagine it may be necessary and appropriate to explain more. Not sure she will actually need that, but if she does, I do not plan to withhold information that she is old enough to process in context. By that time, I think she will have enough of her own relationship with her dad that this information will either confirm her own observations, or (I hope) she'll be able to say "gee, dad has really gotten his life straightened out since then!" and I will be able to agree happily.

Even though your DC's dad is more remote currently, I think the same principles apply: general, but consistent with the true details that you may ultimately share, and with lots of reassurance that the child(-ren) were not the cause of their dad's issues or their parents' relationship problems, and that you are rooting for their dad to have a good life and be more available to them in time.

[One_Girl]

I told my dd that her dad is busy but he loves her still no matter where he is. Busy can mean a lot of things and what she was more worried about was the part about being loved not about seeing him since she was so used to not seeing him. We also talked about different families and I emphasize the people she does have in her life. I don't talk badly about her father when she is home and I do my best to make the situation seem normal and fine to her. My mom has also talked to her about her father being gone most of her childhood and told her that this is just how many dads are. Knowing that she isn't the only person with an absent dad seemed to make her feel that it really isn't a big deal.

[SoulCakes]

At this age I would just stick to something super simple: "Your daddy loves you very much but he's sick and can't spend time with you." Three's a bit young to try to understand relationship dynamics--stick to the basics. They can learn more as they grow.