What do I say to SIL?

[mamadelbosque]

My SIL has a baby who is exactly 2 months (to the day!) younger than my DS - so she's 8 months now. She weighs ~13#. She does breastfeed, but is apparently down to just 4-5x a day (and no, I don't *think* she's offering/giving formula the other times), and I know she's giving her some solids & juice (cause' I saw her downing the last of a bottle of apple juice today... to which I couldn't help but to say 'well she's not going to gain weight drinking juice!' to which she replied 'well, she's obviously not going to gain drinking anything else so who cares.'). I'm just at a loss. I really am. She wants to wean at/by 1 yr, which I don't really agree with, but whatever.

I just don't know what to say though, when I see her baby being so obviously tiny and *skinny* - she's not that much shorter than ds1 (who is a chunk IMO at 19.5#s...), but she is just super, super, super skinny. I forget when it was that she stopped gaining, but I want to say ~4.5-5 months when she (coincidentally?!?!) started "solids" - aka cereal in a bottle of breastmilk... (she was just shy of 7#s at birth...). I've told her before that I would just nurse, nurse, nurse because bm has more nutrients/fat/etc than anything else but she doesn't seem to believe me (or maybe just doesn't want to hear it?). IDK... I just honestly feel bad for her daughter. She's still developing and looks OK - aside from being like, skin & freaking bones. At 8 months.

WWYD??

[seagull]

Well your niece is probably about the same size as my totally healthy dd was at that age. I know she was 16.5 lbs at a little over a year. I was worried that her ped. would think that would be underweight and push formula, but instead she said that my dd looked great. At 2 years, my dd weighed 22 lbs. She has always been about 5 - 10% in the growth charts even though she seems so much daintier than most children her age.

[jennybear]

Mind your own business?

I mean, unless you think she's actually neglecting/abusing her daughter, what is there to do? Does she take her baby to the doctor? Does the pedi seem concerned?

I wouldn't give a baby juice either, but you've already inserted yourself on that one.

She's doing some things really well, like still nursing at 8 months (a pretty big accomplishment in our culture). I'd celebrate that with her rather than look down on her weaning at 12 months.

I get that you're concerned, but as long as it's just that she's skinny (and not malnourished), I'd stay out of it. My DD is almost 20 lbs at just under 6 months and I get crap about how I **over** feed her.

[Bebe's Mom]

Honestly, if a baby is hungry, she will let you know!! Maybe she is just a skinny baby..If her ped is not concerned and she is not screaming, I think she will be ok. I agree that babies should not be given juice that young, but then, they shouldn't be given a lot of things that people give them and they survive. I agree that you shouldn't say anything unless you see actual abuse going on.

[lach]

Some babies are just small.

Other than her weight, do you have a reason to think that she is being neglected? And juice doesn't count.

BFing 4-5 times a day is pretty normal for an 8mo. That's probably about what my kids were BFing around then, plus 2 meals of solids. I BF them on demand, so some days it would be more, but most days it pretty much worked out to BFing at wakeup, after morning nap, before and after afternoon nap, and before bed. So that's 5 times.

Is your SIL taking her DD to the pediatrician, and does the pediatrician have concerns? If the pediatrician does and your SIL is working on her weight, she's not obligation to discuss it with you if she doesn't want to. And if the pediatrician isn't worried, then there's nothing to discuss.

But I have to say that her snapping after you made the comment about the juice shows that she is aware that there is a problem, is frustrated by it, is probably doing the best she can (perhaps already seeking out professional help), and isn't particularly interested in unsolicited advice.

So, really, unless you have a real reason to think that she is being starved I would MMOB. You can't really make an 8mo eat if she doesn't want to, short of taking her to the hospital for IVs. And if she's BFing 4-5x a day plus taking bottles (whether of formula, water, or juice) it doesn't sound like she's dehydrating.

[crunchy_mommy]

Your SIL's situation sounds almost exactly like mine... I just bite my tongue. I feel bad that her baby is so skinny & that he's drinking so much juice & less-than-ideal choices for solids but what can I do? I don't think it's optimal & I don't think it's best for him but I'm glad she's stuck with BF'ing at least some, for so many months when she was hesitant to BF in the first place! And hopefully with the help of his pedi they will make sure he doesn't whittle away to nothing... even if they are filling him up on 'junk'. Don't give advice unless asked... But I sure do feel your frustration!

[mamadelbosque]

Aside from the juice comment (cause' I'll be honest, I was freaking *shocked* to see her guzzling down juice when she has weight issues, and they *KNOW* she has weight issues, and have for months... I mean, honestly, if my kid had weight issues at that age, juice/water is about the *last* thing I'd be giving them to drink...), I have kept my mouth shut. I just dont' know what to say to her when we're around though, period. Cause' you know, you want to say "oh your baby looks great! blah blah blah" and I just can't. Cause' its not true, yk? And then I feel bad about not saying that... but I just. can't. say. it. Cause' she looks skinny as a rail.. and I know thats not good... not at 8 months....

[PancakesMancakes]

I'll be honest. I'd offer to babysit as much as possible and nurse her as much as possible during that time but I'm an uberlactivist like that tho

[pbjmama]

I'm not sure there is much you can do at this point. Her actions may be contrary to your beliefs but she could just be at a loss for what to do, despite your advice. Maybe her ped is pushing solids and such as many do with slow weight gain. I bet she is getting alot of different advice from different sources.

She probably feels incredibly guilty that her baby is not thriving and looking at your baby may remind her of what she may consider a failure on her part. I bet she would appreciate an apology and you telling her how much you care about her and her dd, that you are concerned and would like to help if there is anything you can do. Maybe she would be open to supplementing with your expressed milk?

Originally Posted by PancakesMancakes

I'll be honest. I'd offer to babysit as much as possible and nurse her as much as possible during that time but I'm an uberlactivist like that tho

Nursing another persons child with out their consent does not make you an advocate of breastfeeding.

[baglady]

It's hard not to say something. Unless there is neglect, or unless she asks, there's not much you can do. The baby may just be small. I'm sure it's not easy to watch.

Originally Posted by PancakesMancakes

I'll be honest. I'd offer to babysit as much as possible and nurse her as much as possible during that time but I'm an uberlactivist like that tho

That is totally inappropriate.

[texmati]

I would leave it. I know I'll get flamed, but breastfeeding and solid feeding post 6 months is a parenting choice. Unless she's asking you for advice, that is.

ITA with PBJ-- I would not nurse her baby behind her back. that doesn't make you a lactavist-- it just makes you disrespectful of another mama's wishes.

Pancakes-- how would you feel if someone gave your child forumla ehind your back because they felt she might not be getting enough vitamins?

[PancakesMancakes]

I wpuldn't like it. It's just I wouldn't be able to stop worrying about that little girl. I'd have to do something to help her.

Asking before would be the right thing to do.

[mamadelbosque]

Heh, well, we only see them sporadicly (live on the other side of the state... we last saw them over easter which is when I first heard about the issues w/ weight gain... Then we saw them today (DH, her brother) had a "graduation" thing for finishing paramedic and they came for that.

I honestly just can't get her out of my head though... her eyes are kinda sunken an you can see her bones very clearly. I know she's being told to just push solids (which, obviously isn't working)... IMO her ped is awful (I know she's asked me about stuff her ped said in the past and I was shocked at the horrible, awful advice...), so I'm sure thats part of it, but yeah. For whatever reason she thinks he's fine/good (cause' he was 'recommended' :roll).

Anyhow... I guess I'll just try and keep my mouth shut when we see them next. I honestly have no problems w/ her wanting to stop bfing... I mean, its not what *I* do, but whatever. But I'm fairly positive she's not getting milk or formula either. Just a few nursing sessions, some soilds & juice...

[crunchy_mommy]

Yup same thing with my SIL, she's not giving him formula or anything (I asked once when I saw how infrequently she nursed him). It doesn't sound like her son is doing as badly as your niece though, he doesn't have sunken eyes etc. But since you've offered advice & she doesn't seem interested, focus on other things -- "Oh she has such a beautiful smile!" or "Those are the cutest shoes, where did you get them?" etc.