Depressed.

[bcblondie]

I pretty much wish I didn't exist.
Some of you might remember a post in like febuary about my DH going on a live webcam site. Huge drama. I thought it would end our marriage but we worked passed it. He promised to change, and not even look at porn anymore, which is something I've never really had a problem with but if he wants to go the extra mile, great.
It took about a month and I started noticing the history being deleted every few days. I didn't say anything, I guess because he would sugar coat the story and I wanted to know the truth. But today it came out. And he had nothing to say for himself. Litterally had no words. Except "I didn't do anything" ...which is what he said last time.

So anyways. Now we're not speaking.
Before this, we were TTC. I'm on clomid and still not ovulating. I'm seriously depressed about my dried up husk of an excuse for a body. All I wanted was the same chance everyone else has each month.

I had a HUGE fight with MIL a couple days ago as she can't mind her own d*mn business and basically said I'm not good enough for her son.

Our neighbour kid vandalized DH's bike and we have no proof, which irritates me to no end.

And now I had a minor thing on facebook where I commented on someone's status and they took it as rude. Minor thing, but it's just about got me in tears because it's teh straw that's breaking the camels back I guess.

Other than my son, I pretty much just hate my life. I have a few friends out here but other than that I feel completely alone because I moved away from my family to be with DH...

[majikfaerie]

here for you mama

[InMediasRes]

Oh, BCB. I'm so sorry .

As for your DH, can you guys get some therapy? It sounds like he's on the brink of infidelity and is really struggling with it. Working through whatever problems are happening inside of the relationship would probably be really beneficial for you both.

And if not for both of you, how about just for you? It sounds like you don't have enough support when you are down. That coupled with the problems with your body and your MILs criticism would be enough to make any one depressed.

again. I'm here to chat if you like.

[bcblondie]

Thank you so much guys. I think we (or I) definately need some kind of therepy...

[Linda on the move]

I've been suicidal in the past, and one thing I try to remind myself is that I can change anything in my life, expect for my death.

Just start changing things. You hate your life right now, so you have nothing to lose.

Leave your husband (or kick him out) and you solve 2 problems at once -- him AND his mom!

Love on your baby boy, and start dropping all the things out of your life that make you sad, starting with your husband. You can do it.

[nola79]

Many . I'm so sorry you're going through such a rough time. I don't really have any words of wisdom, but I have felt as you do now, and my situation improved and I sincerely hope yours does too.

[lovebug]

s mama! s s and more s!!!

here if you need anything! its hard to feel alone, dont get me started on MIL and DH sounds like he needs to grow up...

sorry s

[bcblondie]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move

Leave your husband (or kick him out) and you solve 2 problems at once -- him AND his mom!

Love on your baby boy, and start dropping all the things out of your life that make you sad, starting with your husband. You can do it.

I'm thinking about it.

[Purple*Lotus]

I am so sorry I am here if you need to talk

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by bcblondie

I'm thinking about it.

Divorce is a big decision, but when you marriage makes you wish you were dead, it may very well be the right choice.

If you feel like it boils down to suicide or divorce, divorce is just the better option because inside you there is a part that is wonderful and whole. Right now you can't feel that part, but it is still there.

[basmom]

thinking of you and sending you hugs

[bcblondie]

Thank you guys. Today went a little better. We talked. He admits he was being a jerk, and turning into his dad. And he doesn't want to lose us. He said he was doing it because I was starting to be online more again. Which is true. Although not nearly as much as the first time we fought about this. And it's definately not an excuse for his actions.
So we're both going to try once more to work through this. I do think we need some kind of therepy though. Maybe I'll go to our church elders or something because I don't think we can afford a regular therepist.

Thanks everyone for being my shoulder to cry on.

[majikfaerie]

that's good news

[Freedom~Mama]

No advice but I just wanted to offer my support and a hug.

[Nuttybuddy]

Good luck finding free/inexpensive therapy. It sounds like that is what's really needed. Sometimes local colleges with grad programs have counseling centers you can go to. I would just hope you get a good counselor so it doesn't turn you off of it. Going to people in your church is a wonderful idea. Try to check into any other local resources as well.

It's no good to feel how you are. Can you go visit family or friends who might help you feel better? Even if it's just for a break and change of scenery? Sometimes connecting with someone who knows you can make a world of difference.

Best of luck with that I hope you find some relief soon

[bcblondie]

Doing less better today. I found a lighter behind a picture in our room. Which means he's still smoking, even though he said he quit. Which is fine, I don't really give a crap if he has the occasional one. But why does he have to hide it from me. Why does he only tell me when I smell it on him or find evidence. Why so many secrets and lies?!
When I first found it he said " you're gonna find lighters for a while still from before I quit!"
Uh no, I cleaned behind there like 2 months ago. You hid it recently. He keeps lying even after he's caught.

So I booked a flight to BC to see my family. He needs to see what he'll lose if I leave him.

[majikfaerie]

and if that fails, you can always come visit your loved ones in Australia

[bcblondie]

Thanks majik :
Yep. I cancelled the flight. The reverend and ward elder came over to talk. We're going to start marriage councilling.

[mexicali mami]

I'm glad you found the support you needed. Life is hard and counseling is great for just about everyone. I am hoping that things start to get better quickly.

[BeckyBird]

I wish you the best of luck. One thing---do not let him blame you, because you have been going online more lately. Do not take any blame for HIS problem. No matter how much time you spend online, there is no reason for him to go to the web rooms. Especially when he knows how much it hurts you. I hope you two can work this out.