How often do you see the in-laws?

[crunchy_mommy]

I wasn't sure where to post this but it seems like *my* issue more than anything else so I'll put it here...

I'm not a fan of visiting the in-laws. I just don't enjoy it. Mostly they just sit around doing nothing or watching TV or drinking and I end up in the other room playing with or nursing DS all alone. I just feel bored to tears. Plus, MIL smokes (not around the baby ANYMORE but used to ) and FIL makes a lot of racist/classist/etc. comments, and they both use bad language (getting better in front of DS but it's still there)... They live an hour away and DS hates the car. They have come down to us more lately because of that but it's still the same scenario, they sit around doing nothing or talking about people I don't know (and often very negatively, making fun of people for things like disabilities or religion or whatever), it's just not enjoyable for me, but I force myself to do it sometimes.

I didn't really mind visiting before DS was born (didn't love it, but often just took a nap on the sofa if I was bored) but since his birth I've grown more & more annoyed with them visiting/requesting we visit. When he was first born it was several times a week (and I really could have used some more quiet family time than constant visits) and then for a while it was just once every month or two and now that he's over 1yo it's becoming more frequent again and I just find myself so irked at even the THOUGHT of visiting with them. We went through a few phases where we'd make plans with them & they'd cancel last minute (for weeks & weeks in a row) and that really got to me, I felt it was disrespectful of our time & other plans etc. DH will now often spring it on me last minute and if I say no (because we have plans or the house is a mess or whatever) then he feels incredibly guilty for saying no & he obsesses over it endlessly and tries to make plans with them every single weekend. He doesn't really talk straight with them (like he knows we have plans but won't tell them, he'll call last minute to say oh we can't) and he's kind of afraid to talk honestly to them or stand up to them if we have issues. The whole thing is really frustrating for me and I always end up feeling like the bad guy.

Sooo any thoughts? How can I change my attitude about this? How often do you see your in-laws, what's reasonable given that they're only an hour away? I don't trust them to be alone with DS even if DH is there since he won't stand up to them and their parenting 'advice' is ridiculous IMO and DH feels they were borderline abusive with their discipline with him so I just would never allow a visit without my presence... But I don't want to be around them, at least not more than once every month or two!

We see my parents pretty frequently (once every week or two)... they only live 1/2 an hour away and often help us fix up the house etc. or take us out to dinner or a day trip or whatever. So we enjoy the time with them more and don't have the same kinds of issues but I still feel like I have a double standard here...

[nola79]

Originally Posted by crunchy_mommy

Sooo any thoughts? How can I change my attitude about this? How often do you see your in-laws, what's reasonable given that they're only an hour away? I don't trust them to be alone with DS even if DH is there since he won't stand up to them and their parenting 'advice' is ridiculous IMO and DH feels they were borderline abusive with their discipline with him so I just would never allow a visit without my presence... But I don't want to be around them, at least not more than once every month or two!

If you feel this strongly about them, I don't see why there's any reason to see them more than you already do. I mean, we don't go to the in-laws more than twice a month, tops,(unless there's a holiday or special occasion) and they're in the same neighborhood! I would go more often, but DH doesn't want to.
Just because you're related to them does not mean you're obligated to hang out with them.

[crunchy_mommy]

Well I guess the current problem is DH has been wanting to see them more. But, I'm having a hard time figuring out if he genuinely WANTS to spend time with them or if he just feels guilty/anxious about NOT seeing them, especially if it's on their request. *sigh* My DH has trouble answering a direct question & is hard to read.

[woodchick]

I don't see my inlaws often because we live several states apart from each other. My folks are about an hour away and we see them once a week. Some weeks it is more than once.

That being said, It seems like you might have an opportunity on your hands. If your DH wants to see his parents and they want to see your DS, why not take it upon yourselves to schedule visits. Make them at your house so you can control the situation or find a DS friendly location outside of either of your houses.

At your house you can set up an activity or something and at another location (playground, museum, park) you could let DH and DS have some grandparent time while you're still nearby enough to supervise without having to be directly involved. As your DS gets older this may get easier as the activites can center on him more easily. It may also give a framework and nice time limit to your activities. If you're busy it isn't as easy to sit and watch tv.

I'm a big fan of being proactive. DH gets annoyed when his folks call to talk at inopportune times. I've pointed out to him that when he calls them first at times that are good for him they tend not to make random 'annoyingly timed' calls during other parts of the week. He's starting to get it

I don't know what to say about their cancelling at the last minute. I find that terribly annoying. I don't tell my DD1 about some plans ahead of time because I have flaky people in my life. But if your DH is also doing the same thing it might just be how they've gotten used to doing things.

It is a tough situation. I hope you can find a good solution!

[LROM]

Even though your DH has a hard time giving a direct answer and is hard to read (your words), it sounds like you are able to be direct with him, so sounds like that is what you have to continue to do.

If the main issue is he has a hard time standing up to them and feels so guilty, let him go *on his own* more often than you go with your DS. Given how you say his parents act, that seems like a more than fair compromise. If they mostly want to see you guys because of the grandchild, tell them in a very cheerful voice that you are starting to structure his time more, wanting to do more educational and experiential activities, plus more socializing with other kids his age, so DS won't be available as often.

If your ILs are/were borderline abusive to DH, making it not about them but about DS's needs is at least a slight bit better than just saying "I can'ts tand visiting you guys" (I know you haven't come right out and said that, but they can probably tell you're not happy to be there - which is totally understandable, I'd be pretty miserable too).

If they get really upset that you're cutting down on their grandson time, in the end that's really just too bad. You want him to have more structure, there are a lot of things you need/want to do for/with him, and you're sorry it's not as much time as they'd like but that's just how it is. The more matter-of-fact you are and the less apologetic/less you discuss it, the more effective the transition usually is.

Last thing - sounds like your DH has some real unresolved issues about his parents. Would he ever consider talking to a counselor a few times or reading a book like "Toxic Parents" that many here recommend? Maybe if he can recognize his parents in a book like that, it'll inspire him to look more into their dynamics and do a bit of work on himself. I'm sure he doesn't feel great with things the way they are.....

And btw to answer your question for us - all our ILs are in other states, so we see them only every 4 or 5 months. Which in our case, we love them all so that's really not nearly enough. But I will say this - my father recently broke up with his wife (she's not my mom) and my DH kept saying to me "Invite your dad to live with us". No way! I love my father to pieces but I am clear that would not work for me or our life and I don't think my father would want it either. Saying no or drawing boundaries is healthy and can help preserve relationships, even though people usually feel like it makes other people mad.

[crunchy_mommy]

Originally Posted by LROM

But I will say this - my father recently broke up with his wife (she's not my mom) and my DH kept saying to me "Invite your dad to live with us". No way! I love my father to pieces but I am clear that would not work for me or our life and I don't think my father would want it either. Saying no or drawing boundaries is healthy and can help preserve relationships, even though people usually feel like it makes other people mad.

Oh gosh this terrifies me because FIL is always telling DH, "You have to take care of me when I'm old, I'm coming to live with you guys, I'm not going in a nursing home." Ummm he is NOT living with us, NO WAY!! Luckily they're very young still so that's a long way off anyway.

I do wonder if DH would benefit from some counseling, I'll see if I can find that book as well... I try to work with him on being more assertive & talking honestly to them etc. but I feel like it just comes out as me being the 'bad guy' and not liking them... which isn't true. I really don't dislike them, I just dislike spending an excessive amount of time with them and having DS in a negative environment...

We have taken the initiative to invite them over & do more structured activities, but that just seems to make them want MORE frequent visits. I guess they realize how much they miss their grandson... But I don't get it because they don't really interact with him all that much when they're around him. Also, I've suggested DH go visit them without us occasionally but he doesn't want to. This is why I think his desire to visit them often is more guilt-driven than actually wanting to see them. But I'm not positive.

I did talk to DH about it last night. He ended up cracking up at my portrayal of his parents ("It's funny 'cause it's true, I never thought of it like that") which wasn't my intent, I wasn't trying to make fun of them, but I'm glad he did see the truth in it at least... I also told him again that I feel frustrated when he's not assertive & direct with them. I think I got through to him but I'm still wondering if *I* am wrong to restrict visits to once every 2 months or so (plus holidays).

It's just... I got along fine with them until DS was born and they became so... over-bearing? Like wanting to see him all the time, trying to force solids on him at 3-4 mos old, telling me BF'ing would end the minute he got teeth, pulling out 25+ year-old dangerous-looking unwashed toys for him to play with, basically giving lots of insane advice and actions that just made me feel criticized, judged, and concerned for DS if I wasn't in the room, but then I wonder if I'm just too sensitive & controlling and that's coloring my views of them...

[RiverTam]

DH and I finally came to an agreement that he doesn't have to see my mother and I don't have to see his parents. If either of us want to go, great. If not, great. It's also my husband's job to get the kids to see his parents, and my job to get the kids to see my parents. (Well, it was. They're both dead as of March 2010.)

Of course, his parents have decided that 1) I hate them and 2) the reason that they don't get as much kid time as they want is because I hate them. That's not true, but it's also not my problem.

It's not my job to manage my husband's relationship with his parents and make sure that they get the right amount of visits. It's DH's problem.

[Calee]

Once a month is too much for us to see my DH's parents. They are just very difficult and very bad with the children, and it makes for a very, very unhappy weekend for everyone involved.

Do what is best for your family, particularly your kids. If your DH wants to talk to/see them, fine.

[neveryoumindthere]

1-2 times per week

They are super awesome!

[LROM]

Good for you for talking ot him again. Hopefully it'll be abreakthrough, but yeah you should see if you can talk him into a couple sessions with a counselor/therapist too.

OP I think if your DH says he doesn't want to see them without you, you should be clear with him that that means they will only see your DS however often you're comfortable with since he's not taking initiative in managing them when they're negative. (Not that there's much he can do, there probably isn't, but bottom line like many PPs have said, your priority should be good positive environments for your child).

Also, like a PP said it's not your problem if they like visiting you guys. My suggestion is that you say that in general you're trying to be more structured and basically you're just really busy and it doesn't work to see them more often than you do.

Last thing, maybe talk to your DH about how important it is that he communicate with his parents about what he believes to be true. If he thinks your DS can benefit from more time doing other things, he should tell them that. Blaming you or letting you look like the bad guy probably isn't productive.

Maybe he'll do it after therapy...

[Lady Mayapple]

I also see opportunity here. You say you don't like them being overbearing and disrespectful of yours and your DH's parenting choices. A flat, "This is our child and this is how we are raising him, please do not question us on the subject anymore." can be effective in two ways: In my case it made my relationship with my mom much better, and once she started following my suggestions when she spent time with her grandkids, she enjoyed them much more. In the other case, MIL couldn't stand the fact that she didn't have any "influence" or control over her grandkids, so we haven't seen her in over a year now and well if you read my new post, you'll see where that's going.

The other option is just to let DH go visit them by himself. You can't stop him from seeing his parents if that's what he really wants, but you also don't have to go along either.

[mojobin]

I agree that you need to plan the visits. When they ask to come or ask you to come there, make sure you have "other" plans. Tell them the time(s?) you are available and invite them to meet at a place other than either of your houses. You could meet at parks, recreation areas, or restaurants in between the two houses. I'm sure they can understand that you guys have a life outside of them. I think once every 3-4 weeks or so is understandable. And if you plan to go to a cool place, then you won't be disappointed if they don't show up. This could be a good opportunity for you all to engage in meaningful family time together. If you're meeting outside take food and games (i'm thinking balls, frisbees, sidewalk chalk, etc.). Then when you're done, you're done and you can all go your separate ways.
I also think that meeting at each others' houses occasionally may not be completely out of the question. Again, make sure you plan your activities. Try to think of things you would normally do that you can invite your MIL to do with you like going out for a walk, playing with the baby, baking a batch of cookies, etc.
Good Luck! We live across the country from our families and miss them terribly!

[crunchy_mommy]

The thought of them taking a walk or baking cookies or playing with sidewalk chalk is just... hilarious. LOL. I guess that's my frustration, they don't want to DO anything. I do think they'd like the zoo, that's about it though, and it'd still be me & DH showing DS all the animals and them texting people and not talking to us. A park is out of the question and DS is horrible in restaurants (plus the in-laws only will eat 2 types of food -- greasy & more greasy). It's just such a contrast from my own family, who plays with DS and talks to me & DH and will walk or play at the playground or have a picnic or whatever, and always have positive conversations, use good language, respect DS's boundaries, etc. I do want to have a relationship with the inlaws and I do appreciate that they are close by, that's one of the reasons we moved to our current town because we could be near both families even though I'd otherwise prefer to live across the country! I need to change my attitude about them before we can work on the logistics of where to meet & how to structure the time. I am taking in all your suggestions and trying to be more open-minded but the more I try the more I feel myself shutting down & mentally building a little cacoon around us.

[homewithtwinsmama]

Too often, short answer...

[bcblondie]

My IL's live just down the street and I use to see them once a week MINIMUM. Sometimes 2 or 3 times a week. But recently MIL's been really working my last nerve and we had a huge fight 2 sunday's ago. And that was the end of that.

[34me]

I have been married 19 years and known my dh 20 as of 6/22 . I have seen the In-laws 5 times!

[New_Natural_Mom]

We don't get down there often (we live in another state, about 1.5 hours away.)

1st - Inlaws have cat (I am SUPER allergic) and a very dirty house.
2nd - They eat garbage food so we always bring our own.
3rd - DS does NOT like them. Never really has. He doesn't want to have anything to do with them and doesn't warm up to them. He likes BIL, but that is it.
4th - They don't interact well with him.

DH would like to visit more probably - not my idea of fun - but I try to suck it up the 5-6 times a year we have to go out there and see them. They come here on Thanksgiving.

The smoking is a super no no for me. I won't take DS to a smoking house. 3rd hand smoke is just as gross to me as direct or second hand. I take a hard line on smoking.