visitation... - Page 2

[StephandOwen]

Originally Posted by Lilypie32

Don't call Dad to nag him about coming to visit his DD besides the first notice that he can have visitation in your home and that's it until legally ordered otherwise. It is HIS responsibility to prove he wants to be involved.

A wise mama on here (whom I will always remember, she helped me immensely when I first started this journey) told me more than once that if a father wants to be a part of his child's life he will do anything- including jumping through fire- to be there. Those who don't, don't. They give half a$$ed attempts at "being a dad" but ultimately blame everyone else (especially the evil mother ) for why he isn't involved. You can't help a guy like that and it will cause you way too much stress in the long run.

I really took that advice to heart and have felt sooo much stress lift from my shoulders. My ex has my phone number, he has my email, he has my house address. He can contact me at any time regarding my son. He chooses not to. That is on him, not me. I have given him the avenues to contact me (I've never changed my phone/email/address without contacting him immediately to inform him). The rest is up to him. I no longer feel guilt that my son has no idea who "that guy" is. That's not my problem. I will be there to love and support my son in everything he goes through. But I will NOT take the blame for his biological dad being gone (or disappearing and reappearing constantly).

3 months ago I got an email from my ex. First he apologized for skipping his visit that morning (and keep in mind that I drive ds from Kentucky to Michigan for these visits so when ex doesn't show it's *really* costly for me) and for not answering the phone when I called (to see if he was going to show up). Then he went into a whole sappy email about how he's all depressed at how his relationship with ds is and how it's not right and he wants to make it better and his life isn't whole without ds in it and blah blah blah. Then he goes on to say that the only way he can make it better is to take me to court and get a Judge to order all winter and spring break and half of the summer vacation. He also added in a cute little sentence about how he doesn't care if ds gets a passport or travels around the world (I had asked him to sign the paper allowing that) but that "his lawyer" advised him not to sign the paper until a Judge orders it. Now, we all know that's bull because if 2 parents agree on something (which he even admitted he had NO PROBLEM with it) then the Judge doesn't need to get involved.

Now, if I had gotten that email years ago I would have FLIPPED on him and sent him a nasty email. But I didn't. (I did write that email, but I didn't send it!). Instead I wrote him a simple one sentence email telling him that it is his right to go to the Judge about anything and included my address and told him to make sure his lawyer sends any paperwork there. End of email. I didn't get into that bickering with him. He was baiting me. He wants me to take him to court (to get the passport signed) so that he can counter-sue for visitation. Not going to happen, as that would make it way too easy for him He wants more visitation, he needs to get off his butt and sue me.

So yesterday marked 3 months since I received that email. DS has had surgery since then (ex did know about it when I talked to him in March) and 2 days after the surgery was admitted to the children's hospital for 3 days due to complications. I never heard from ex through all that. He has no idea all that happened. In 3 months I haven't heard from ex at all. He's never, in 6 1/2 years, called to talk to ds. He's never written ds a letter. He's never tried, in any way, to stay in contact with ds. He regularly goes 3-4 months without seeing ds (longer if he skips the visits). He went from last October until this March without any contact at all (and skipped 2 weekend visits during that time). He's gone up to a year with no contact at all.

But through all that I do not ever call him and b*tch at him for not seeing/calling Owen. I don't contact him asking for help paying for something. I don't contact him at all, unless it's an emergency (ds is hurt/ill/in hospital/etc) and even then I usually can't get ahold of him. I am not his mother. I am not his wife. It is not my responsibility to hound him and force him to do something he obviously doesn't want to do. (His new wife took up that role and, from what I've heard, is frustrated with it already ).

[Lilypie32]

Originally Posted by StephandOwen

A wise mama on here (whom I will always remember, she helped me immensely when I first started this journey) told me more than once that if a father wants to be a part of his child's life he will do anything- including jumping through fire- to be there. Those who don't, don't. They give half a$$ed attempts at "being a dad" but ultimately blame everyone else (especially the evil mother ) for why he isn't involved. You can't help a guy like that and it will cause you way too much stress in the long run.

But through all that I do not ever call him and b*tch at him for not seeing/calling Owen. I don't contact him asking for help paying for something. I don't contact him at all, unless it's an emergency (ds is hurt/ill/in hospital/etc) and even then I usually can't get ahold of him. I am not his mother. I am not his wife. It is not my responsibility to hound him and force him to do something he obviously doesn't want to do. (His new wife took up that role and, from what I've heard, is frustrated with it already ).

Very well said! I learned quickly to not get involved in Dad's role as a parent. He gave up a child during our marriage and once that happened our marriage was never the same. That being said, once we separated he took ds for visits a few times and then pretty much disappeared for a year and then called a few times and came to visit twice (for a total of 3 hours) and has once again disappeared. I don't call him for anything. I don't collect child support nor do I want it. I can and will support my child without his assistance. My son has autism as well (and a few other medical issues) and sending him for visitation (the few times early on it took place) was disastrous. He would lock himself in his closet and scream for 2 or more hours. That told me my son was not capable of visitation out of the home.

I recently learned that ex has another kid which he never told me about. He got a minor pregnant when he was over the age of 19 (we met several years later) and now the mom is suing for support. Yikes. Can we say LOSER.

[robinchap1]

I am in MA and have a good lawyer and also know a good mediator. My ex left while I was pregnant and we have had to negotiate visits from day 1. And I managed to breastfeed for 3+ years. Feel free to PM me if you want.
Best of luck to you. Sounds like you've gotten some good advice here, like keeping good records and outlining a schedule of gradually increasing visitation.
Take care.

[Bad Mama Jama]

i second the magic of documentation. i docement every call, failed visit, no call - no show. you name it, i have it on record. therefore, i am not trying to remember what happened on what date. i have it all there. I also make sure to document each conversation. I note when he was making attempts to be verbally abusive or set up visits that seemed more like dates than parenting time. you name it, i've got it. when i go to court, i will be ready.

[A Dear Mama]

I am going thru a similar situation and it is ridiculous. The man decided to end the marriage and asked for a divorce and is now changing all the rules, including where our 9 mo. old is concerned and I know it is to spite me and hit me where it hurts the most. I am a SAHM and have been the whole time. Pumping hasn't worked out lately either yet he threatens that if I don't have milk pumped for him there will reprocussions (sp). So I completely sympathize with your situation! And to top it off, I really don't trust him to be alone with baby but I have been told I have to let her go with him. He is totally emotionally irrational and unstable... delusional, really.

So again, I sympathize. Write EVERYTHING down and keep your head.... folks like that want you to lose your temper and make mistakes. Hardest thing (next to labor) I have ever done is keep my mouth shut all the while being manipulated into playing along. My heart goes out to ya!