Bring child to his friend's mother's funeral?

[windsorheightsmom]

I have a friend with a progressive disease. Our boys were born a month apart, and we've been having regular play dates since they were toddlers. The boys are now four and a half and are among each other's "best friends," to the extent that you can have close friends at that age.

My friend is not doing well--significantly worse than a year ago. I don't know whether she has months or years to live, but she doesn't expect to see her son grow up. We talk frankly about her health.

This may be premature, but I have already been thinking about whether I should bring my son to the funeral if my friend passes away during the next few years. Would that be comforting to my friend's husband or son, or would it be hard for them to see me with my son, or would it make no difference to them on such a horrible and overwhelming day?

My mother died when I was 11. I don't remember whether any of my friends attended the funeral. I know the most important thing is for us to be available to my friend's child now and in the future. I still keep in touch with childhood friends who remember my mother well, and that is comforting to me even 30 years later.

Thanks in advance for any thoughts people want to share.

[greenmansions]

I am so sorry to hear that you and your friend are going through this. It is a terrible situation for everyone.

I think if I were in this situation, I would first consider how old my child is and his ability to deal with what has happened to his friend's mom and not project it onto his own life such that it will generate extreme anxiety about losing you. Is your son typically a calm, thoughtful child or is he very emotional and easily distraught? I realize that you will be in regular contact with the family, but there is something different about viewing a body and attending a funeral. That said, I do believe there is benefit to not hiding death, to understanding that is the way things work, and to providing some element of closure through attending a funeral. I think you will need to evaluate your child's emotional readiness when the time comes, as well as the benefit to the other family of having him there.

My children were nearly 3 and nearly 5 when their grandfather (my dad) passed away and we opted to have them attend the wake but not the funeral, and then they came for the luncheon following the funeral. That worked well. Honestly it was more for my sanity to have them skip the funeral since I wanted to focus on my needs at that time. I think they probably would have been fine from an emotional perspective, but may not have been able to sit still/be quiet for as long as was needed. Their ability to handle it emotionally was because they were so young and unaware - I think if they were older it might actually have been harder for them. There seems to be an age where death (of someone other than one's own parent which is always terrible) is extremely difficult to handle, and if a child is older or younger than that age it is easier. The child is aware of the ramifications - I might never have my own mom again - but unable to understand the level of risk to them of that same thing happening - hmm but my mom is young and healthy so this is very unlikely to happen to me. Not sure I am explaining myself well here, or if this is helpful as you decide what to do to support your own family's needs as well as your friend's family's needs.

As for the benefit to the other family, there can never be enough support and love at a time like this. I think if that is the only concern you have, then you and your family should all go to the funeral and related activities. It will make all the difference to have their close friends there.

I wish you all strength and peace as this comes to pass. Again, I am so sorry.