I really need help with my 4yr old - Page 2

[Artichokie]

i havent read all the responses but here are my thoughts:

-the child needs snacks. she deserved to be given something.
- i would have let her run pantless with the window open. she isnt going to die of exposure.

[Banana731]

OP- I love your username, I just moved back from a few years in Japan and it reminds me of being there!

I think that 4 is a really hard age. Most people I've met will agree. When you have a kid that age and an infant it's compounded. There is a tendancy to look at your 4 big year old and look at the tiny helpless infant in your lap and think- "this kid is NOT a baby anymore, she shouldn't act like one, she's a kid..." The problem is that while she certainly isn't a baby, she's not a real "kid" either. Preschool age is a struggle,the change-over from toddler to kid is a long process, it sputters along. It's only in retrospect, when I can see how different my now 6 year old is from my then 4 year old, that I can appreciate that difference. And I wish that I had that clarity then, because I was too hard on her and I expected too much at times, which made it hard on both of us. My 6 year old does, pretty much, what is expected of her. She will clean her room or put away her clothes, or help her sister. At times I have to nag, but she does it. The same girl, at four, would do things like that if she was in a mood to help, or if I could make a game of it, etc. But if I tried to mandate it, it would turn into a screaming fest or a tantrum. It wasn't worth it.

I think you'd both be much happier if you let the small stuff slide when you can. The pants, the window, etc. Some tantrums you might not be able to avoid. If she can easily get the spoons everytime, has no problem reaching and opening the drawer, then I would have said, "you want a spoon right now, you can get it, or you can wait until I can do it later." And maybe a tantrum would ensue, but that one tantrum is an an improvement over 4 or 5, right? If you can focus on making her comfortable in her new place in the family, it will certainly help some of the problems your having with her behavior. If you can temporarily deal with a bit of mess and household that is a little more chaotic, while you basically hang out with kids, I think you'll find that she'll soon be more willing to help out and act like a helpful "big sister". Good luck!

[sora]

Thanks so much for the posts. They are all very encouraging and helpful.
After the baby was born, suddenly my 4yr old seems like a big girl and I feel that she should act more mature but she was just a little girl a month ago. Playing a part of a big sister must be pretty tough for her.
By the way, I am trying to avoid her tantrums and I'm quite nervous all day not to cause it. I'm almost afraid of her. That's pretty crazy....

[Barefoot~Baker]

Originally Posted by Banana731

When you have a kid that age and an infant it's compounded. There is a tendancy to look at your 4 big year old and look at the tiny helpless infant in your lap and think- "this kid is NOT a baby anymore, she shouldn't act like one, she's a kid..." The problem is that while she certainly isn't a baby, she's not a real "kid" either. Preschool age is a struggle,the change-over from toddler to kid is a long process, it sputters along. It's only in retrospect, when I can see how different my now 6 year old is from my then 4 year old, that I can appreciate that difference. And I wish that I had that clarity then, because I was too hard on her and I expected too much at times, which made it hard on both of us. My 6 year old does, pretty much, what is expected of her. She will clean her room or put away her clothes, or help her sister. At times I have to nag, but she does it. The same girl, at four, would do things like that if she was in a mood to help, or if I could make a game of it, etc. But if I tried to mandate it, it would turn into a screaming fest or a tantrum. It wasn't worth it.

This is so true! Right before my youngest was born (he's now 10 months and dd is 4, older dd 6), 4yo dd seemed soooooo little. All of a sudden she seemed so big after the baby was born. I have to remind myself often that she is *4*. Such a little little number! Also, if you have a 4yo who talks and asks "why" a lot they almost seem adult!!!

[ShiningStar]

Originally Posted by sora

She has a habit of saying she was sad while crying when I discipline her. When I get angry with her behavior, she wants sympathy. But if I give her hug and she calms down, but that would blur the issue at hand. She gets away with her bad behavior so I don't want to give her hug.

Okay, so I just started listening this teleseminar http://www.consciouslyparenting.com/...rieContey1.php and it really resonated with me in relation to my own 4.5 yo dd. You're supposed to sign up to hear it. Time is probably at a premium for you right now, but I think it's worth the it even if you just listen to first half. In it, Carrie Contey touches on some of the issues you're dealing with. She explains in those meltdown moments kids aren't really capable of behaving the way we would like. Recognising their feeling and connecting is what they may need to help them reregulate, and come out of those stressed moments.

I don't explain it as well, but it really clicked for me. There are times when my daughter is tired or hungry and she is just a different child that I have a hard time tolerating. Even though I know she's tired, sometimes I just cannot get beyond the whining and demanding. It really helped me understand (and I kinda already knew) that she's not doing it on purpose. Sometimes she needs reminders about proper behaviour, but other times she probably needs me to cut her some slack. I also need to cut myself some slack that being compassionate to her in these moments in not being permissive.

I know it's hard, but I hope you get a chance to listen to it.