sharing work when one parent works?

[Claire's Mama]

Am I really expected to do EVERYTHING just because I'm the stay at home parent?!?!?! We have a two bedroom house and a three year old. DH routinely works 10-12 hour days, travels on business once or twice a month. He is so stressed that he is grumpy most of the time, and really needs his time off to recover from work. Grandparents and the rest of the family are 1,200 miles away, so we have no family support. We have a lawn service,and a pest control service (in FL). Sometimes DH remembers to push the 50 gallon trash cans to the curb. (when he's in town) Sometimes he remembers to water the garden (when he's in town) Sometimes he remembers to look up from his laptop or blackberry. Usually to complain about some household task that isn't completed. Time to complain usually exceeds time to complete task. I am a good cook, cook from scratch, we rarely go out. I started hosting an organic produce pick up at my house to save money, it's taking up more time than expected. I do all the significant shopping, DH will every now and then pick up something on the way home (if he remembers) I do laundry, he will sometimes throw in a load if he needs something for work. If he spends 6 hours of focused family time a weekend, it's a lot. (and probably a holiday) I'm responsible for all social plannig, and routinely host dinner parties. On Friday he'll ask me what's scheduled. If I take a few hours during the weekend to do something for myself, it's an issue.

I love staying home with my daughter, did the career thing earlier and don't feel I'm missing out. DH and I were both "latch key" kids and we want more for ours. But I just need more support. Would be nice to get some positive feedback for my work, instead of constant complaining. The worst part is that I seem to get more done and have more fun when DH is NOT around.

The cleaning is always the last on the list. My theory is that prevous generations of stay at home moms just spent less time focused on the kids and more focused on cleaning, and that parents prioitize interacting with their children more now. Would love to hear your thoughts. Do your partners help out? (like my friend, who works full time, but comes home to cook lunch, and takes over cooking and child care as soon as she gets home?) Is anyone out there successfully doing all the child care AND cooking AND the cleaning? (without 15 cups of coffee a day or illegal substances?) Or do people who have clean houses get more take out food? Please let me know what you think.

[chely7425]

I think its a lot about figuring out your groove with the whole thing. My DH is in the Army, and really doesn't help around the house a whole lot but does help with the kids. So, when he comes home from work (if he gets home at a reasonable time) he watches the kids and hangs out with them while I cook and do some cleaning. Same on the weekends. It took me awhile to figure out how to keep my house clean and spend time with the kids and get everything done but then someone told me that if I decluttered it would make my life so much easier and they were entirely right!!! Once we got the house organized and cleared out a bit (DH did help with the first major purge, so to speak) it was so much easier to keep it clean with not a ton of work everyday.

[MissLotus]

He does not get to complain if he is not interactive in fixing what he's complaining about. He's being rude and disrespectful. He's not your father or your boss.

[cappuccinosmom]

I am a "do everything around the house" type person. Dh is out of the country now, and when he's home, he works massively long hours.

However, big caveat, my husband doesn't complain. If he did he'd find himself delegated some work. I totally understand him being exhausted. But if he is truly exhausted, then he shouldn't have the energy to make me a to-do list.

It sounds like you have a lot on your plate. Some of that you could voluntarily remove. I'd do that, and simplify what needs to be done. Then, if he complains, the response should be a simple, calm "I do what I can do with the hours I have available to do it in. If there's something that isn't done and that's bothering you, please feel free to take it on and make yourself feel better." Hug, kiss on the cheek, and get on with your day. He can choose to stew in it or not.

[chely7425]

Yeah, totally forgot to add that my hubby doesn't really complain! The only time he does is when he has asked me to do something (say, he needs something specific washed for work the next) and I forget... I like what CappuccinosMom suggested about telling him you do what you can.

[Chamomile Girl]

What on earth makes your husband think he has a right to complain in the first place? I get so angry when I read these posts of male entitlement!

OP I really, really think that you need to start working some things you do just for you into your schedule. However you can make it happen, it will be a lifesafer for you.

[honeybunmom]

It's not because you're the SAHP, in my opinion. It's because you're the woman. I'm the WOHP and my dh is the SAHP and I do all that you do. I do the significant shopping, I handle the social calendar, I clean the bathrooms and the floors (unless we're expecting a guest, then dh will help), I do the children's laundry and my own. Dh will wash diapers and do his own laundry. He also washes dishes regularly. He empties the trash and puts the bins out. I take the recyclables to the drop off spot.

Oh, and I cook dinner from scratch, too, about 90% of the time.

We're headed to counseling on Wednesday.

[Claire's Mama]

Thanks posters, for your validation!

Hey everyone! Thank you for your feedback. Must be great to be married to a man who doesn't complain. I can only imagine. Of course, the complaining kills any motivation I might have! Over the weekend, I suggested we do away with the lawn and pest services, and instead use the money for housekeeping services, putting a few to do's back on his list. No warm reception to that idea, but maybe he'll think twice.

[BreakfastyMichele]

Could you start from scratch? Make a list of all (ALL) the households stuff that must be done and divide them between you based on your shared priorities?

Lists work well in our house. Everyone is on the same page, and we call each other on it when we fall behind.

Be sure after-hours childcare is on the list.

[lovingkindness]

Originally Posted by Claire's Mama

Sometimes he remembers to water the garden (when he's in town) Sometimes he remembers to look up from his laptop or blackberry. Usually to complain about some household task that isn't completed. Time to complain usually exceeds time to complete task.

No advice here, just commiseration. I have a over-worked complainer as well. where in fl are you??? i'll pm you.

[newbymom05]

I think everyone's situation is different. I'm fortunate to be in an area where I've been able to build a network of SAHM friends, and I would say we all have varying levels of household cleanliness based on 1)support 2)personal energy levels 3)personal priorities (cleaning time vs. whatever else time) and 4)age of children. Out of about a dozen moms whose houses I've been in regularly, I would say only one-one!--seems to do it all. But she has a maid. And her DH is pretty helpful. And she utilizes babysitters. Those things can free up a LOT of time IMO.

When he's home, I would say DH and I split the work 50/50 to 60/40 (I'm 60% of course). He's very good about prioritizing time with our children. And he sure doesn't complain about the job I do. I'm not sure if that's because he's such a great guy, or b/c he knows I"d go completely batsh*t. He's spent enough one-on-one time with the kids to know how tough it is.

[peainthepod]

Look, you both work. Okay? If childcare, shopping, housekeeping, laundry, lawn maintenance, and gardening weren't work, people wouldn't have to pay other people to do it for them. They would be considered leisure activities, not jobs.

I can't stand the statement that SAHMs don't work. We work plenty, and we don't get lunch or coffee breaks, paid vacation days, or (usually) real time off.

Your DH needs to learn--from you--that what you do is as valuable as what he does, even if no one pays you to do it. Or he needs to hire a housekeeper that meets his standards and let you raise your child(ren) in peace. But one thing he doesn't get to do is complain. Ever. Caring for a child is a full-time job and in my humble opinion, the cleaning, laundry, and other chores are incidental to that. As in, they're the domain of both partners.

I could understand if you didn't do anything around the house and it was falling into total squalor, and you were taking your kid to get fast food all the time instead of cooking and shopping, and the clothes weren't getting done and things were piling up. That would be concerning and your DH would be right to (gently) say something about it. But it doesn't sound like that's the case.

He's not your boss. You're not his employee. You are partners living together and working together as a family. You have equal say and equal clout in this marriage.

When I was first married and then first starting out as a SAHM, I put a lot of pressure on myself to be the perfect Donna Reed archetype. I was pretty good at it, actually--and I was abjectly miserable. DH started to take me for granted because I'd taught him that I'd allow myself to be taken for granted. And then one day something snapped and I told DH that I felt overworked and under-appreciated and that he was going to have to start pitching in more. And he resisted at first, but I gave him the option of either doing more around the house, or paying someone to come clean it once a week. He opted to hire someone, but if money were an issue back then I know he would have helped if that was what I needed. Because frankly, you deserve a life too, and your work day doesn't end by some arbitrary time. It never really ends, does it? My DH is a very good man, considerate and warm-hearted and appreciative, but I learned early on that if I needed help, I had to ask for it. I can't count on him to notice that I'm burned out, and that's okay. So I ask, and he helps me when I need it. And the honesty in our communications has helped strengthen our marriage in countless ways outside of the housework and childcare issues.

What I'm getting at with this longwinded diatribe is twofold: you have to stand up for yourself and be proud of the work you do--and mama, you do a lot!--and you need to let "good enough" be good enough. There will always be more housework, more shopping, more gardening, more laundry, more chores. There won't always be these precious moments with your DD. It sounds like you and your DH need to have a serious talk about where your duties end and his begin. Because being the sole breadwinner is a huge responsibility and I've no doubt he works hard enough to earn every penny--but that doesn't mean he gets to treat you like the help, and it doesn't mean he doesn't have any responsibilities at home. You married a man, not a wallet. It's up to you to demand that he act like a husband and a father and a partner, not just some guy who brings home the bacon and orders you around when he feels like looking up from his gadgets.

[RebeccaWo]

How about hiring a mother's helper or something similar? My DH also works/commutes 10-12 hours a day, it's rough for both of us. I try not to play the "who has it the worst" game because I easily slip into martyr-mode.

Right now, I'm lucky in that I only have 1 19-month DD who can entertain herself and also has a 2-hour nap everyday. I take care of all the household duties and have no problem with that. I also have a mother's helper who comes 2-3 days a week for 2-3 hours (I do part-time work from home) and on days when I don't feel like cooking I ask him to bring something home or we order out. My DH doesn't complain, I would have major problems if he did. When I feel overwhelmed I talk to DH when I'm as calm as possible, I tell him what I need and we work out ways to make that happen.

Hope you can work something out to ease your load!

[Sharlla]

with dx when i sah i did all the housework. i had a cleaning list so i did certain chores on certain days. i typically spent 2 hours a day cooking and cleaning. after dinner i woulf frequently leave dx at home with the kids and i would do the shopping, hang with friends, etc.

dh is a sahd. i dont do a lot to be honest, i pretty water plants, do the bathroom and floors and put laundry away.
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[prothyraia]

Originally Posted by peainthepod

Look, you both work. Okay? If childcare, shopping, housekeeping, laundry, lawn maintenance, and gardening weren't work, people wouldn't have to pay other people to do it for them. They would be considered leisure activities, not jobs.

I can't stand the statement that SAHMs don't work. We work plenty, and we don't get lunch or coffee breaks, paid vacation days, or (usually) real time off.

My husband and I are both working at the moment; we've been through periods of time when I was a SAHM and a brief period when he was a SAHD.

During the period of time that the employed parent is at work (or on their way to/from) the parent at home is 100% responsible for childcare and whatever housework they can manage. During the hours of the day that the employed parent is NOT at work, childcare and/or housework should be split between the two adults equally.

Why on earth should one parent get a 50 hour work week and have the rest be leisure time, while the other works 24 hours a day seven days a week?

[Sharlla]

is that realy fair? i never felt like i worked 24/7 and i definetely felt like dx who did hard manual labor all day worked a heck of a lot harder/more than me.
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[chely7425]

Originally Posted by Sharlla

is that realy fair? i never felt like i worked 24/7 and i definetely felt like dx who did hard manual labor all day worked a heck of a lot harder/more than me.
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I don't feel like I work 24/7 either... I feel like DH works 10ish hours a day, I feel like I do about the same amount but more spread out. Like, right now the kids are napping and I am watching CSI and messing around on MDC! But DH does do a lot of playing with the kids so I can relax or shower or cook without small people climbing me. There are definitely times when I want to kick him for being useless, but for the most part he is good If he complained though? I think I would want to kick him a whole lot more...

[mamazee]

My dh works long hours and travels (his schedule sounds a lot like your dh's) so I do most of the indoor stuff anyway. I really don't do any of the outdoor stuff, which I find hard to do with a toddler desperate to run into the street.

One of the big reasons we wanted me to be a SAHP was so we would both have more leisure time, and so we approach things from that standpoint. If he's worked a lot of hours, I do more, and if the toddler has been whiny or there's been more cleaning than usual or whatever, then he steps in. I do most of it, but if I start to fall behind he trusts I'm doing my best and simply helps me with no negative comments so that I am also able to have a bit of leisure time. If he complained, I'd be upset. He also will do dinner sometimes when I'm busy. So I guess we don't really work at negotiating, we just try to pick up on each other's signals and keep track of how busy the other one is and do what needs to be done so that we both get some relaxation time. However it works, and we naturally change things around as we need to so we can make sure neither of us is running around going crazy with work.

But with my dh's work schedule, it does work out that I generally do the majority of inside work. I did the huge vast almost entire amount of inside work before dd#2 was born, when I had just one child who was in school full time. Well she and I did it together, and she's still a big help at keeping things tidy. The only issue she has is her bedroom.

I feel like we both spend the same amount of time doing some kind of work or another, and we both have the same amount of down time.

I think your dh needs a change of attitude about how much work housekeeping and childcare is. He might not really get it, and if his job is stressing him out then he might be too focused on himself to be naturally open. Maybe a gentle heart-to-heart discussion? I remember at one point writing down how much time I spent on each thing, like I kept a journal, so he could see that I am as busy as he is. It didn't take much, maybe two or three days. I'd just write on a paper what I did and approximately how long it took, including cooking, shopping for house and family related stuff, cleaning, child care where I'm focused on the kids (so not where they're napping and I'm on the computer, but where I'm getting a snack, or I'm nursing, or I'm getting an art project set up, or I'm refereering when other kids are over playing), getting kids ready for bed, any time I had to wake up, etc. What I found (and he saw) is that I do have more lesiure time than he has between the hours of 8 to 5, but in the evenings I am very, very busy. I work as many hours as he does, but they're different specific hours. And if I were working from 8 to 5, I'd really expect him to do half of that evening stuff. So he gets leisure time in the evenings because he watches kids and helps clean up dinner and sometimes cooks, etc., but I do most of the work in the evenings and therefore he gets some time to relax, so it's totally fair that I have some relaxation time during the day.

I think the problem a dad with a wife at home sometimes has is that he thinks of work hours as being from 8-6, or 7-7 if they work a lot of hours, or whatever, and they know we aren't constantly busy during those times, so they think we aren't working as hard. BUT they don't take into account the really intense work we do in the evenings. When my dh realized how much evening and nighttime work I did, his tune seriously changed.

That ended up being a lot longer than I expected, but I remembered that it hasn't always been rosy with dh on this issue and that I had to keep a journal at one point, so I guess that might point to the possibility of a solution.

[prothyraia]

Originally Posted by Sharlla

is that realy fair? i never felt like i worked 24/7 and i definetely felt like dx who did hard manual labor all day worked a heck of a lot harder/more than me.
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It really depends on the situation. If your children are older, or just mellow, and the stay at home parent can get everything done easily and have energy to spare, then there's certainly nothing wrong with that. But sometimes the stay at home parent has, say, a colicky baby and a rambunctious toddler and the house is a wreck, while the employed partner has a laid back desk job.

The expectation that the wage earner is excused from any household activity other than earning wages just *because* they're the one getting paid is what I have a problem with. If we had no children and I worked at a daycare and was expected to do all the cleaning when I came home from work while my husband got to relax, that would be obviously unfair. But somehow when it's their own children the equation changes for a lot of people.

[prothyraia]

Originally Posted by mamazee

I feel like we both spend the same amount of time doing some kind of work or another, and we both have the same amount of down time.

This is really the key for me. As long as both partners have a relatively equal amount of time to relax, pursue leisure activities and their own interests, etc. , then the arrangement seems fair.