sharing work when one parent works? - Page 2

[dahlialia]

Our general approach/division of labor is:
are we both getting what we NEED?
Are we both getting some of what we WANT?
Are we both using our strengths and doing what we can to move our family forward?

DH gets the luxury of sleeping uninterrupted, and going out to bars with friends, while I fill the role of an all-night dairy bar. I sleep in, I rest during DDs nap, and have downtime in the evening. DH works a few hours most evenings, to fill in the gaps from the days. He takes a break from work most days to take the baby for an hour, so I can get some studio time (or extra rest if I have a migraine which is too often these days).

DH takes care of garbage and laundry. If I'm not well he will do errands in the time he has the baby (grocery shopping, etc). If I am really not well, he will take a break from work and play catch up around the house. I try to shoulder the house stuff as much as possible, to free DH up for work (we have our own company). But I don't hesitate to get his help when I need it.

We have a cleaning lady. That is what "gives" around our house, because we both hate housework yet I hate a messy house. We never get delivery/takeout for dinner though. I can count the number of times we've done that on one hand, with fingers to spare, and the baby is 10 months.

[lisavark]

Yeah...OP, you need to have a serious heart-to-heart with your DH. About what you can and cannot do, not just about what he is or is not doing. My DH used to drive me crazy because he never did anything around the house...when I was pregnant I kept saying that that was going to have to change when DD was born. Amazingly, it did--completely. He does his fair share now and I get several hours "off" (I go work, lol!) every Saturday. My idea of a break is working...(I'm a freelance writer, so my job really is fun.)

Anyway, I agree with what someone else said, that taking care of a child is a full-time job, and everything else around the house is overtime. I don't mind doing more of the housework since I probably have more time than DH to do it, and I certainly care about a lot of it more. But complaining is definitely not allowed! I made it clear from the beginning that I was staying home to take care of DD, NOT to take care of the house. Housework is everyone's job who lives in this house. (DD does her share too, and she's only two! )

[ZoshaMosha]

It took us a long time to get used to the whole marriage with kids arrangement. My Dh also works crazy hours and is gone 3 days a week for work. He would often say he would clean or whatever, but then I'd have to nag him to do it and he felt like I was his mom and things always went south from there. I started to feel like a house-slave while I felt like he got to do whatever he wanted. He has his dream job and I feel like he would be doing this work with or without a family to support. It's not like he works in a mine or anything...

Anyway... things finally got better when I started getting my own needs met. In his perspective, every time I told him "you need to watch the kids," "you need to clean the bathroom," "you need to blah blah blah," it just made him recoil. Not fair? Totally, but that was the reality.

But when our kids got a little older, he was much more into hanging out with them (they are 4 and 2). Our financial situation changed and now they are both in preschool and we hired a cleaning lady to come once a week. These changes in our lives have been god-sends. Seriously, our lives are changed.

If I were unwilling or unable to get childcare for my kids, I would probably do a childcare exchange with a friend so that I could have some hours to myself to relax.

Even when we couldn't afford a cleaning lady, what I did was do whatever I could to make my house easier to clean. I threw away 75% of our stuff so I had less to put away and clean. I didn't do his laundry or whatever else. I didn't really cook either. We still ate well, but I didn't kill myself preparing meals. We did lots of cut-up veggies, cheese, and other very simple meals. Personally, I like simple food and so do my kids. If DH wanted something more elaborate, he could make something himself--not my problem. I wasn't trying to be mean, but it's like, I have only so much energy to put into taking care of the family.

Maybe you could cut out the gardener and get a cleaning service instead. If your DH gets too annoyed at the long grass, maybe he will mow it. If that doesn't work, maybe you could ditch the lawn and get something that needs less maintenance at least for now until your situation changes.

[Delilah83]

Communication is a huge part of every marriage, I think you guys need to have a frank discussion about what you expect from one another in terms of child care, social planning, housekeeping, etc, family life.

[Claire's Mama]

Update

Hi all! Thanks for your comments. Looks like most of you agree that doing the shopping, cooking, cleaning and childcare, everything, is not realistic without some help. My husband suggested we find a housekeeper, for at least every now and then. (I think he saw my post open on the computer!) I'm going through an "extreme cooking" phase, even making bread, pizza dough from scratch, avoiding all "middle isle" products. After reading your suggestions, I think a task list will help me have a discussion with him about what he can do to help. (Starting with dishes!) BTW, when I said one person working, I meant for a paycheck.

We have been de-cluttering, but there's some more to go. I find it especially hard to get rid of DD's things as she outgrows them.

One thing I did was invite friends over for dinner and a playdate. In exchange for dinner, my friends helped with dishes and supervised the kids for a little while, and I got some cleaning done. Worked out well.

[frugalmum]

I do 99% of the housework, yardwork, and childcare. My H does not even do much family time-- maybe 30 minutes a day-- he is a workaholic. I think it's fair that I'm expected to do all domestic stuff-- not that I CAN do it all. My kids and husbands are slobs which doesn't help much.

I pay my oldest son to help me out-- he empties dishwasher, takes out trash, and babysits extensively for $10 a week. It's been a lifesaver.

My husband doesn't usually complain when the house is a mess- which is good.

[mmcannon]

SAHM vs Woman

[QUOTE=honeybunmom;15538687]It's not because you're the SAHP, in my opinion. It's because you're the woman.

I think this is the main issue. I work outside the home, and my DH is the SAHP, and he does not do all you do!!

I cook, clean, (we share duties after work and on weekends), but he gets more free time (i get zero, he gets around 10 hours a week, scheduled), and I have had to negotiate what chores he does do.

More is just expected of women when it comes to the household, regardless of where you work 9-5.

Good Luck! I see read some good suggestions...(I like the idea of giving him some chores, but be prepared for some friction when you try to change the status quo)

[limabean]

Originally Posted by Claire's Mama

My husband suggested we find a housekeeper, for at least every now and then. (I think he saw my post open on the computer!)

That's great!

[happyhats]

My husband is the out of the house worker, and I'm the sahm/homemaker. For the most part I do think of homemaking as my job. So while hubby is gone I spend the bulk of my time doing chores, tending to our daughter's needs, etc. On the weekend I admit that household cleaning often slacks off so we can spend family time together, but he does help during those times. Often the weekend is relegated to chores that you just cannot manage with a rambuctious toddler on your heels. I do feel like sometimes my husband seems to think that he needs more "down time" than I do-what's the big deal if he hangs out with friends and leaves me with the little one? I don't think its so much an issue of him thinking my work is less than his, but more that I'm more antisocial and plus he doesn't always realize that it's not fun to be pregnant lady out.

I would be more upset about the complaining than anything else. Like another poster said, he is not your boss. You don't have to live up to HIS standards, the two of you together create the standards, kwim? My husband can be blind to household chores but he defenitely doesn't complain that I'm not doing something.

[SubliminalDarkness]

Yes, I do everything around the house. But like some others, my DH is not a complainer. He comes from a very messy/dirty family, so even our house at it's worst is really not bad compared to what he's accustomed to. The only things he would ever complain about is if the laundry is behind or if there's nothing to eat. Or, I guess, if some item he's dependent on is gone and I didn't replenish it. Other than that, eh, he really doesn't care.

So, I would say it totally depends on whatever arrangement you work out with your partner. Sometimes I'm quite shocked by how much SAHPs expect of the WAHP when it comes to household stuff. Maybe I'm just not as intensive of a SAHP as others and so I find it easier to juggle household stuff? I'm certainly not as busy when I'm parenting as my DH is when he's working, kwim? So for us, it's not an equal comparison.

[Gucci&Granola]

Motivated Moms (and dads)

My husband works outside the home and I am a housewife soon to be SAHM. I'm sure things will get crazy with the arrival of our first child but I have never found it acceptable that I do everything in the house (cleaning, cooking, decorating, yard work, errands, repairs, updating, organizing etc...). I have communicated with my DH very clearly that when the baby is born he is going to be doing a lot more around here because I will be taking on the equivalence of a new full time job.

What has been working for us is the Motivated Mom's chore chart. For those of you who don't know, MM is a calendar with a year's worth of chores that can be printed off daily or weekly (depending on your desired format). All the tasks are broken into small time increments. For example: rather than ever having to clean the entire fridge, the chore list for a day might have you clean just the top shelf (much more realistic with kids and chaos). I do what I can on the chart during the day and when my DH gets home he finishes what I wasn't able to get to. Of course there are days when neither of us gets everything done and that's ok. What's important for my sanity is to not have to delegate at the end of a long day when my brain is fried and frankly I can't necessarily come up with a reasonable list of things for him to do off the top of my head. The chart rotates chores and once you get into it the house stays so much cleaner without those hideous weekends when all you do is clean to catch up (don't miss those).

I hope that you can find a system that works for you, good luck .