Bad sportmanship.

[QueenOfTheMeadow]

My 9 year old boy is a horrible sport. He's not bad when he wins, no rubbing it in or bragging, but he's awful when he doesn't win.

Like today, we were playing hide and seek and he was it twice and his brothers had only been it once. He started crying and saying it wasn't fair. Then he stamps around all angry and nasty to everyone. He continues to be nasty, even the tone of his counting. He eventually pulled it together, but he often ruins games for everyone else playing.

Yesterday he started crying and was angry when he didn't win at Apples to Apples. He has been known to throw Sorry pieces and cry when he's losing at monopoly. My other boys have no problem with losing. They just like to play.

It doesn't sound like he acts out with his friends, but he was doing great a fencing, but then the coaches suggested he start taking a more advanced class. Well, he quit because it was hard. His coaches were really encouraging, and he probably could have been pretty good. Basically, he wasn't winning all the time. He won't raise his hand in class, because he's afraid he'll have the wrong answer. And he just shuts down when he's not the best.

I don't know how to help him work through this. It's maddening to be having a nice family game night and have him freak out. So how do I encourage him to have fun even if he's not winning or to continue working on things even if they are hard.

[MommyTeesa]

I'm trying to figure this out, too. My DD is 7 and has trouble with losing. It's most evident with board games or just playing out in the yard. I try to remind her we are doing this to have fun and that if the same person always wins it would get boring. I'd love to hear other ideas.

[bestjob]

Maybe talk about feelings of superiority/inferiority outside of the competitive environment.

Some starters might be:

"It's fun to just go for a walk and not feel like we're in a race. Do you ever feel like we're in a race?"

"Man, I hate it when I play tennis against someone who is way better than me. I feel like it isn't quite fair, but if I'm the person who made the date, what can I do to manage my feelings?"

"I'm proud of you for being interested in the game, even if you didn't end up winning."

Those are just suggestions. Sportsmanship can be hard. Tonight one of the boys on my son's soccer team scored an own goal, which was devastating for him. I know this boy from hockey and he has very high expectations of himself.

My own son, when we were driving home, was much more philosophical. He noted that his team-mate tried to prevent what was almost assuredly a kicked-in goal. He also knows the boy from hockey and had said something to the same effect.

So maybe your kids need to be on the same house league sports team as my son. Or some other kids like him. He's not a big hero and he'll always play house league sports. I expect you can find kids like that in your home town.

[loraxc]

I suggest the book MIndset, by Carol Dweck.

[QueenOfTheMeadow]

Originally Posted by bestjob

Maybe talk about feelings of superiority/inferiority outside of the competitive environment.

Some starters might be:

"It's fun to just go for a walk and not feel like we're in a race. Do you ever feel like we're in a race?"

"Man, I hate it when I play tennis against someone who is way better than me. I feel like it isn't quite fair, but if I'm the person who made the date, what can I do to manage my feelings?"

"I'm proud of you for being interested in the game, even if you didn't end up winning."

Those are just suggestions. Sportsmanship can be hard. Tonight one of the boys on my son's soccer team scored an own goal, which was devastating for him. I know this boy from hockey and he has very high expectations of himself.

My own son, when we were driving home, was much more philosophical. He noted that his team-mate tried to prevent what was almost assuredly a kicked-in goal. He also knows the boy from hockey and had said something to the same effect.

So maybe your kids need to be on the same house league sports team as my son. Or some other kids like him. He's not a big hero and he'll always play house league sports. I expect you can find kids like that in your home town.

Pretty much all the sports that he has played have been low key relaxed deals. I think fencing was a little different for him because it is an individual sport, so he felt like there was more pressure on him. He tends to be really supportive of the kids he's playing with when they make mistakes or don't win, but he just seems so hard on himself.

Even yesterday, we were all taking turns playing chess. And he's good! But, I ended up winning (and let me tell you, it wasn't easy!) He started to get upset. I got him calmed down telling him that I had been playing chess since I was his age, and he came close to beating me, very close. I told him that if he keeps it up, he'll get even better. I also asked him if he saw that daddy and I always play chess and 9 times out of 10, I lose! But we still play, because it's a fun game.

I'm not sure exactly where he gets it. As a family, we always talk about having fun and enjoying ourselves. We don't get all nasty and competitive over things. I'm begining to suspect that he gets embarrassed and then defensive when he doesn't win or isn't doing the best. That's the only thing I can think of that would cause such a visceral reaction in him.

Originally Posted by loraxc

I suggest the book MIndset, by Carol Dweck.

I'm going to see if the library has that today!

[Aquitane]

DS, who is 11, struggles with frustration a lot when he loses. This happens only when he plays a team sport. He doesn't act out by having a tantrum, but he gets really "short" with everyone. When talking to him about it, he blames everyone else, but doesn't see his part in it. You can almost feel the rage coming off of him.

For the last two years, he was on teams that won the majority of their season, one team was league champs. This year he is on one of the worst teams. And I think that it is good for him. I think that he's still immature. He needs to learn how to be a good loser.

I know your struggle, though. We've had countless talks with DS, but the rage and frustration still come out. We're hoping time (and more talks) will help. I need to check out that book, too!

[QueenOfTheMeadow]

Originally Posted by Aquitane

DS, who is 11, struggles with frustration a lot when he loses. This happens only when he plays a team sport. He doesn't act out by having a tantrum, but he gets really "short" with everyone. When talking to him about it, he blames everyone else, but doesn't see his part in it. You can almost feel the rage coming off of him.

For the last two years, he was on teams that won the majority of their season, one team was league champs. This year he is on one of the worst teams. And I think that it is good for him. I think that he's still immature. He needs to learn how to be a good loser.

I know your struggle, though. We've had countless talks with DS, but the rage and frustration still come out. We're hoping time (and more talks) will help. I need to check out that book, too!

Ds2 is the type who would blame the whole loss on himself. It's like he feels like he has to do everything right or he's just not happy.

[vancouverlori]

Ooh, I'm going to have to check out that book too. My DS is both a poor loser and a really annoying winner, and while we've been working on it for years, it's not improving, and I need some new ideas.

OP - it sounds like your son is primarily dealing with perfectionism, yes? I was a bit like that, and have grown out of the worst aspects of it (though it took until my mid-teens). I still sometimes have issues (I "organized" DS's LEGO yesterday ), but I've learned to dare more, and be imperfect. There's some talk out there (and I can't remember where I've read it) about children needing to get frustrated and learn to work through that.

[QueenOfTheMeadow]

Originally Posted by vancouverlori

Ooh, I'm going to have to check out that book too. My DS is both a poor loser and a really annoying winner, and while we've been working on it for years, it's not improving, and I need some new ideas.

OP - it sounds like your son is primarily dealing with perfectionism, yes? I was a bit like that, and have grown out of the worst aspects of it (though it took until my mid-teens). I still sometimes have issues (I "organized" DS's LEGO yesterday ), but I've learned to dare more, and be imperfect. There's some talk out there (and I can't remember where I've read it) about children needing to get frustrated and learn to work through that.

I think you're right. I also was like this as a child. If I couldn't get it right, I just didn't do it. I wasn't so angry about it though!