Heartbroken little girl, but I don't want to be *that* mom

[annettemarie]

My kids love the arts. They've been listening to musicals from in utero and enjoy theater so much. We read in the newsletter of our local community theater league that they were doing The Secret Garden, and both my 9 and 11 year old expressed an interest in auditioning.

I did tell them from the get go that I wasn't sure of the age range, and to not set their hearts on it.

We found out by pure dumb luck that auditions are tonight-- for 10-12 year old kids. Which means my son can audition and my daughter cannot.

I am really not comfortable with trying to sneak her in and playing dumb or asking if she can audition. I don't want to be "that mom" who thinks her kids are so super special that they shouldn't have to follow the rules.

Plus, she is having a major screaming fit over it and I don't want to reward her for it.

But I just feel so, so badly. And it's going to only be worse if her brother gets the part. I sympathize, because I was her as a kid. And she just went to see a show last night, so I know she's in a theater loving stage right now.

Sigh.

[nextcommercial]

I wouldn't like the screaming fit either.

I'd ask her to rephrase how she's asking.

Then offer to CALL and ask them if a nine year old could audition. They may be more flexible than you think. Or, they may be completely set on that age range they have chosen. But, i'd prepare her for the fact that they may say "no". I'd never lie about her age, because she will be asked how old she is, and then she'll have to lie.

I hope she gets to audition. Even if she doesn't get the job, I hope they will at least give her the chance.

[eepster]

I'd tell her that we could discuss it when she calms down.

If she calmed herself down and you felt she would remain calm, then I would let her come along to the audition and ask if it was OK for her to try out. The discussion I have with her would emphasize that a large part of the age restriction is probably b/c the producer/director are worried that younger children will have tantrums and that not staying calm is going to make them be even firmer about the age restrictions.

[mtiger]

Originally Posted by annettemarie

We found out by pure dumb luck that auditions are tonight-- for 10-12 year old kids. Which means my son can audition and my daughter cannot.

<snip>
And it's going to only be worse if her brother gets the part.

Sigh.

That's sometimes how it goes. Each kid does not have to be able to do everything the other does, no matter how much s/he may want to. Even if they were both able to audition, there's no guarantee that both would get a part.

And it doesn't have to be worse if he gets a part. A few years back, my son auditioned for Brighton Beach Memoirs. My daughter was with us, and was asked to read for a scene - not to audition, but they just needed a body. She ended up getting a role, and he didn't. Was he disappointed? Sure. But he was also very happy for his sister and went above and beyond to support her.

Really, by 9, she's old enough to understand that sometimes we don't get things to work the way we want them to. I would not call to ask if she can audition - all she's learning is that pitching a fit gets her what she wants. That's a bad dynamic to set up for a pre-teen, IMO.

[annettemarie]

The thing is, calling is really not one the table.

1. My husband is taking Michael to the audition and he is absolutely not taking her. He's a type A rule follower, LOL!

2. I've been on the other side a lot. It's every parent's job to think their kid is unique and special and wonderful. And it's the person in charge's job to set limits. I have directed shows and choirs, and I set limits and I don't change them, because if you change them for one person, you have to change them for everyone. I don't want to put them in that position.

3. The other reason I don't want to be "that parent" is because I'd like her to have a fighting chance at getting a part she is old enough for, and we get a rep now for being high maintenance, they just won't cast her. And I know this for a fact because if I had a parent trying to get me to change the rules for their little darlin', I would probably think "stage mother" and not want to deal with that kid.

She's still yelling. She gets her way a lot, not because of pitching fits or being pushy, but because she's basically a pretty likable kid who doesn't ask for that much. But I think the downside is she doesn't deal with disappointment well. And in this case, she just has to deal.

[happysmileylady]

Yelling and pitching a fit, yeah, she would absolutely not get to audition at all.

But honestly, if she hadn't pitched a fit, I would totally have recommended bringing her and just explaining-we know she's not old enough, but she would love a chance to just read a few lines. Would you mind if she did that? That way she gets the experience of the "audition," the folks running the show know you aren't being a "that mom" and that you are just trying to feed a little girl's excitement for the theater, and everyone is happy. And, if they say no, then they say no. No harm, no fowl, IMO. I think if you approach it like that, then it doesn't come across as high maintenence or that pushy mom who thinks her kid is the most special.

JMHO, and since she's throwing a fit anyway, not an option I would utilize at this point.

[zeldamomma]

I would let her be mad, and hope the tantrum isn't a sign she's coming down with something. When she settles down, I'd agree with her that it's disappointing and tell her that hopefully she'll be able to audition for the company next year. The places around here that have shows with kids do one every year.

I agree with you and your dh about not asking to bend the rules, especially since she's pitching a fit about it. I'm not experienced in community theater but my impression is that disappointment is part of the deal-- you don't get the part you want, you aren't spotlighted the way you wanted, things go wrong during the performance... If she can't handle disappointment, she may not be ready for this.

ZM

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by zeldamomma

If she can't handle disappointment, she may not be ready for this.

ZM

I totally agree.

You might look around and see if there are other opportunities in your city -- acting classes, theater clubs, etc. Some cities have nice options that you just pay your money and show up for.

But a child who melts down over not getting to audition isn't ready to audition. There's far more rejection that self-esteem building in theater.

Sorry you are going through this though -- it's very unpleasant when they aren't happy and you can't fix it. This is a good chance for her to grow up a bit.

[limabean]

Aw, how frustrating for her -- poor girl!

You and your DH are handling it appropriately. Good luck to your DS, and I hope there's a chance soon for your DD to participate too.

[TulsiLeaf]

Originally Posted by annettemarie

My kids love the arts. They've been listening to musicals from in utero and enjoy theater so much. We read in the newsletter of our local community theater league that they were doing The Secret Garden, and both my 9 and 11 year old expressed an interest in auditioning.

I did tell them from the get go that I wasn't sure of the age range, and to not set their hearts on it.

We found out by pure dumb luck that auditions are tonight-- for 10-12 year old kids. Which means my son can audition and my daughter cannot.

I am really not comfortable with trying to sneak her in and playing dumb or asking if she can audition. I don't want to be "that mom" who thinks her kids are so super special that they shouldn't have to follow the rules.

Plus, she is having a major screaming fit over it and I don't want to reward her for it.

But I just feel so, so badly. And it's going to only be worse if her brother gets the part. I sympathize, because I was her as a kid. And she just went to see a show last night, so I know she's in a theater loving stage right now.

Sigh.

I feel this way. There is a rule that the part is for 10-12 year old children. She is 9 so she doesn't fall into the age range. Explain this to her, if she continues to throw a fit, that is to bad because she isn't old enough.

[annettemarie]

She's doing much better. She even came and said "I'm sorry for screaming, Mama." Little sweetie. And I do get that she's disappointed. She went and saw Thoroughly Modern Millie last night (one of the older youth group girls was in it) and think she got a little bite of the theater bug, LOL! And like I said, she has tantrums like this so incredibly rarely that when she does, I'm always kind of shocked and I just want to make things better.

[annettemarie]

And now she's helping her brother read through his audition scene. *sniff* She really is an awesome kid.

[One_Girl]

Do you have a community center in your area, some live theaters, or a YMCA? In our area these places put on theater camps during the summer and the kids who are in them get to put on a play at the end of the camp. They range in price from $40-$300 depending on if you are going with a community center camp or a camp run by a theater for kids. That may be something to explore if you feel like you want to give her that opportunity. I think that the screaming shouldn't exclude her from this chance if it is something you wouldn't mind doing for her. I am sure she is more upset about her lack of control over her emotions than you or your husband were and would have handled the situation differently if she could have.

[pigpokey]

Unless otherwise stated the age range is the age range of the CHARACTER. The character is supposed to be 10-12. Can she play 10? If so she can audition.

Sigh it's probably too late.

[annettemarie]

She can't. She's actually really small for her her age, which is another reason I didn't want to push it. Of course, that could work for Mary Lennox. DH was going to check things out and come back for her if he felt it was doable, but since he didn't I am going to assume the audition page meant it when it said the call was for 10-12 year olds, not that the character was 10-12 years old.

[Ammaarah]

Originally Posted by annettemarie

And now she's helping her brother read through his audition scene. *sniff* She really is an awesome kid.

Aw, she sounds like a great kid. I would have done exactly the same at her age, from the tantrum to the chilling out. I hope she can audition next year or sooner!

[annettemarie]

They're home. DH says there were 15 girls there, but my son was the only boy. His self-esteem is really going to take a hit if he doesn't get the part. But the website said they would consider casting a girl for Colin as well. But everyone is doing fine and all's well that ends well.

[pigpokey]

I just reviewed the call on Facebook and on the theater's web page. It does not state that the calls are for actors 10-12. They state that the characters are 10-12. There is nothing inappropriate about your 9 year old auditioning if she has the vocal strength they've asked for unless she really, really could not be Mary Lennox at 10. But if they have a great 9 year old who looks 11 and an equally great 14 year old who looks 11, guess who will get cast?

Your daughter will have many more chances than average being small if you pass this up. Older to play younger has many advantages. My children are the opposite, well, particularly DD. She is not super likely to get cast as her age because she is so tall.

Fact is, auditioning is a chance to work and learn. My kids audition for things and the things I think they will get are not what they end up getting! But the act of putting oneself out there in the running both increases their skillset and leads to work. Children must audition because they love to audition. They must love to be Mary Lennox that one time in front of the casting director. Because if they can't do that and let it go, there will only be misery and they should choose another activity.

When we get a casting notice, I go by how old my child looks and whether the job is within their skill range, not how old my child is. The exception will be if they put out something like "8-9 to play 6-7". This means they really are not interested in the younger child and are looking for a short older child -- doesn't matter if they have a full front of adult teeth -- to play younger because they don't want to deal with the temperament or working hour restrictions or they need an actor who won't fall asleep at 8pm or whatnot.

I hope she feels better soon.

[annettemarie]

She felt better about 3 hours ago.

ETA: And FTR, on the main page of the website it says for actors 10-12.

[limabean]

Originally Posted by annettemarie

And now she's helping her brother read through his audition scene. *sniff* She really is an awesome kid.

Aw, that's really sweet.