The aware baby - Page 2

[annettemarie]

I found this article by Aletha Solter on Mothering:

While the attachment parenting approach is a healthy trend in the right direction, it is possible that, in an effort to counteract the harm caused by the cry-it-out approach, parents may overlook an important function of crying. In our eagerness to persist in soothing and hushing our babies, we may be missing opportunities to help them release stress and heal from trauma. Although it is stressful for babies to cry alone, there is no evidence that crying in a parent’s arms is harmful, once all immediate needs are met. On the contrary, crying in arms can be beneficial for babies who have an accumulation of stress.

and

Our culture tends to block and suppress the healthy expression of deep emotions. Some adults remember being punished, threatened, or even abused when they cried as children. Others remember their parents using kinder methods to stop them from crying, perhaps through food or other distractions. This early repression of crying could be one factor leading to the use of chemical agents later in life to repress painful emotions. The goal of deep-feeling therapy is to help adults overcome the inhibition against crying, thereby allowing them to cry as much as needed in a supportive environment with an attentive, empathic listener.

and finally

To implement the crying-in-arms approach, the first thing to do when your baby cries is to look for all possible needs. When all immediate needs are filled and your baby is still crying, even though you are holding her lovingly in your arms, a helpful response is to continue holding her while trying to relax. This is not the time to continue searching frantically for one remedy after another to stop the crying. Take your baby to a peaceful room and hold her calmly in a position that is comfortable for both of you. Look into her eyes and talk to her gently and reassuringly while expressing the deep love you have for her. Try to surrender to her need to release stress through crying, and listen respectfully to what she is “telling” you.37, 38 Your baby will probably welcome the opportunity to have a good cry.

To me, this isn't saying "don't comfort." Rather it's saying, when comforting doesn't work, don't freak out.

[ThisCat]

Too bad I sold the book at a yard sale or I could reference it.

[Asiago]

I have strong doubts that the human species (2-3 million years?) would have survived if babies were meant to cry for longer than to alert their mothers (or a caregiver) that they had a primal need that had to be met (nourishment, warmth, safety).

It likely would have been a liability to have a crying baby in more dangerous times. From what I have read, allowing a baby to cry became a trend in the western industrialized world in the last century.

In other words, I do believe that it is unnatural, and goes against biology to allow a baby cry.

To me it would seem that the maternal instinct to answer baby's call is very strong for reason of survival. To try to change that may be very stressful for mother and baby.

[annettemarie]

I've had 4 babies and I can pretty much guarantee that they all, at some point, have cried whether I've "allowed" it or not. I think it's a function of the role of mother guilt in our society to make mothers feel inadequate when they can't stop their babies from crying. Our culture likes quiet cute babies who don't make a lot of noise, and making moms feel like they have to stop their babies from crying at all costs is a pretty good way to achieve this.

[mamazee]

My first baby cried a lot, and sometimes when there was nothing wrong. I would do everything I could to soothe her, but sometimes there was no way to relieve her crying. I changed my attitude about those times from "my job is to stop her from crying" to "my job is to stop her from having to cry alone." Changing my attitude during that colicky phase helped save my sanity. That's the message take from it, that if your baby doesn't stop crying when you've tried everything, don't worry, just hold your baby and love her and help her get through it comforted by loving arms. That your comforting actions are still helping your baby even if she won't stop crying. As opposed to "She didn't stop crying so I gave up and just put her in her crib since there was nothing wrong with her." I guess I think of it as the opposite of that thought pattern. There might not be anything physically wrong, but there still could be sadness or something and loving someone through sadness as they cry is powerful.

My second baby only cries if something is bothering her so I've seen that too.

[wombatclay]

That's the message take from it, that if your baby doesn't stop crying when you've tried everything, don't worry, just hold your baby and love her and help her get through it comforted by loving arms.

See, that's the philosophy I take from her work... but I think it sometimes gets interpreted as "I've tried these things and baby is still trying so I'm going to assume baby needs to cry instead of also trying these other things". I have a hard time justifying (to myself) not doing something that I know works, like comfort nursing. If it doesn't work, ok, but at least I've tried it.

Also I think it can be a bit blurry when you consider how much children change in the first few months and years. If my 4mo is crying I do everything I can to soothe them because I don't know for sure what is causing the cry. If they are still crying after I've tried everything then I hold them and they cry... but if my 2yo is crying I generally have a pretty good idea of what is causing it and I can make a more informed decision about what my response should be.

So maybe I'm comfortable with her underlying philosophy for a young babe, and comfortable with her specific suggestions for a slightly older child? It's been a while since I read her book!

[mamazee]

Well I would certainly disagree if she's suggesting not offering comfort nursing, or for that matter not checking the diaper and if the baby is dressed comfortably for the weather and every other thing that can cause discomfort, and assume that the baby just needs to cry. I think of it as being an "if all else fails" thing. Sometimes I do think they're just going to cry, and it's better if they're held during that time then just left somewhere to cry, but by all means make sure there isn't a physical problem first. Check and double check.

[hakeber]

I can't stop thinking about this...I really should just ask my SIL to bring me a copy and find out for myself...

Just out of curiosity, for those who have read the book, if she is against comfort nursing and pacifier usage because she feels it leads to unhealthy oral fixations/addictions later in life, how does she feel about finger sucking? How does she suggest dealing with babies that offer themselves that comfort?

[tzs]

ok...so what do you all think of this scenario in light of the discussion.

so i was sub-ing in the baby room of a preschool. when this 5 mo started crying i picked him up and was swaying with him when his regular teacher told me that "he doesn;t go for any of that" and just to put him in the swing. i did and yeah, he stopped crying.
so which do you all think is better in this situation: that the baby stop crying or that he be held by an actual human?

[hildare]

Originally Posted by tzs

ok...so what do you all think of this scenario in light of the discussion.

so i was sub-ing in the baby room of a preschool. when this 5 mo started crying i picked him up and was swaying with him when his regular teacher told me that "he doesn;t go for any of that" and just to put him in the swing. i did and yeah, he stopped crying.
so which do you all think is better in this situation: that the baby stop crying or that he be held by an actual human?

i'd tend to interpret that as the lo was trying to communicate his desire to be put into the swing... maybe he just really likes it!

[annettemarie]

I know I haven't read the book in a while, but I just find it really superhard to believe she says no comfort nursing or rocking AND was published in Mothering magazine. I really need to get my hands on another copy. It's a mother's nature to comfort her child. But like I said, what I took from it was, you're not a crappy mom if your baby doesn't stop crying. You don't have to buy him a pony (or whatever the baby equivalent is, LOL!) just to hush him up.

[ThisCat]

Originally Posted by hakeber

Just out of curiosity, for those who have read the book, if she is against comfort nursing and pacifier usage because she feels it leads to unhealthy oral fixations/addictions later in life, how does she feel about finger sucking? How does she suggest dealing with babies that offer themselves that comfort?

I'm don't recall if or how she suggested dealing with it specifically, but I know she considered finger and thumb sucking to be like comfort nursing and pacifier usage in that it was a pattern the child had fallen into because they had learned that it was not okay to express negative emotions and had found a way to suppress them.

[ThisCat]

If you do a search for Solter and "control patterns" you will come up with some sites that describe her theories including those about comfort nursing. Not sure if I can list them here. I guess it's not as accurate as reading the book itself, but the information I found is in line with what I remember from the book.

[hakeber]

Originally Posted by annettemarie

I know I haven't read the book in a while, but I just find it really superhard to believe she says no comfort nursing or rocking AND was published in Mothering magazine. I really need to get my hands on another copy. It's a mother's nature to comfort her child. But like I said, what I took from it was, you're not a crappy mom if your baby doesn't stop crying. You don't have to buy him a pony (or whatever the baby equivalent is, LOL!) just to hush him up.

Well that aspect sounds quite good. And I do think parents need to hear that....especially GRANDPARENTS. I don't know about you ladies, but my mom and my MIL alike are both so annoyed by the sound of a fussing child (particularly in the 12 mo and up set) that they will fill them with sweeties and buy them every toy in the store if it will shut them up for ten minutes, KWIM?

Originally Posted by ThisCat

I'm don't recall if or how she suggested dealing with it specifically, but I know she considered finger and thumb sucking to be like comfort nursing and pacifier usage in that it was a pattern the child had fallen into because they had learned that it was not okay to express negative emotions and had found a way to suppress them.

hmmmmmmm, I'm off to google (thanks for not giving me a lmgtfy.com link must have been tempting) this. Interesting.

[ThisCat]

Originally Posted by hakeber

hmmmmmmm, I'm off to google (thanks for not giving me a lmgtfy.com link must have been tempting) this.

I actually had to google lmgtfy.com. I didn't feel that way at all. I love talking about stuff like this.

[Path2Felicity]

So I'm confused. How does the author suggest we differentiate between blowing off steam and allowing to comfort nurse? Babies may need to blow off steam, but they also come with an intense need to suck and want human contact. I'm not sure I'm buying this theory here.