Help

[Collinsky]

I tried posting before, but felt really stressed out about it that night and the next day I deleted it. Needless to say, anxiety and sleeplessness are part of my problem that brought me to this forum in the first place.

I can't cope with my anger and irritability any more. I don't even care anymore if it's simply lack of coping skills/resiliency, or if it's simple sleep deprivation: either way it can't go on. I can't keep doing this. My mood swings are out of control - my kids can't possibly predict if I'm going to be my normal nice self, or if I'm going to snap at them or just flip out entirely. I'm very much Jekyll and Hyde ...

The thing is that I'm 4 1/2 weeks postpartum, having had my fifth child by unexpected Cesarean section after an awful traumatizing labor (supposed to be my fifth unassisted homebirth, so it was VERY unexpected) -- so it is easy to say, well of course you're a little off kilter, it's only to be expected. And it is... but the extremes are WAY out of line with normal. I don't like being like this, and I'm making everyone around me miserable. And while I've had some grief surface over the loss of the birth experience I had wanted, the Cesarean was actually not horrible at all - I have no regrets.

I just feel defeated by the fact that I can't be a halfway decent mother, when it's the only thing that really matters in the long run. I just wish I had the skills I needed to get through the day without being horrid to my children (who are AWESOME kids) -- unfortunately all the parenting skills I worked to learn seem to be gone, it's like I never learned anything and I am completely irrational in my parenting choices. I can even watch myself while I make these stupid choices and know it's not the choice I want to make, that it's not healthy for my children or my relationship with them, and that I'm going to regret it later, but I STILL CAN'T change my course. It's awful. And instead of getting better as my body heals and I'm getting more sleep at night, it seems to be getting worse.

[Collinsky]

I am going to be taking motherwort for the next couple weeks (I have my 6 week appt with the OB in 2 weeks, and if natural things aren't making any difference, I'm going to ask about meds then), as well as Vits B and C... I have Omega-3 with Vit D, and I've started taking that too.

Also, I'm thinking about also getting some chaste berry, any thoughts? I was making a list of every thing I could think of or that I've heard helped anyone, and I realized that I wrote down about 2 dozen things. That's a lot of research to do.

I'd also like some resources for finding out about the different meds that are used for PPD -- besides searching threads here, which I'm doing. Thanks!!

[azgirl]

I am a big supporter of meds for PPD...but there are two more non-med things you can do: get household and childcare help!! As much as you can and as much as you can possibly afford. I am serious, give yourself permission to focus on the baby and yourself as much as possible for a little while.

And...get physical it sounds like you are physically healing well from your C-section. Walk as much as possible and try to work up to something that makes your heart rate go up. I read a whole book on exercise and the brain (Spark, if anyone is interested) and it actually talked about chemical causes of PPD and the fact that exercise helps with brain chemistry.

You might still need meds Try other stuff first but don't go too long without meds, if you don't start feeling better. Good luck and keep us posted!

[dancingthroughlife]

I completely agree with the previous poster.

Accept help from friends and family. Even ask for it if people aren't offering. You need to schedule some "me" time as well. I need my yoga time in the morning or if I can't fit it in then, I'll have my girls do something quietly while I sneak it in later in the day.

For me, one thing that made me so angry and irritable was feeling alone and "stuck" at home with a baby and older toddler. It really helped me to get out and socialize a bit. I LOVE being around people, but when I'm depressed or feeing anxious, I withdraw and it's almost painful to get out there. So, I had to push myself. Try attending a LLL meeting or local AP/natural parenting group.

I'm also all for natural help and limiting medication, but I've taken many types of medication for PPD/anxiety. sometimes it's necessary and you shouldn't see that as a weakness in any way. It's not a permanent thing. You don't have to take medication for the rest of your life just cause you may need help now.

[Collinsky]

The thought of exercise makes me cry. I can't. All I want to do is sleep and watch TV.

I have been to LLL, I have been with my friends -- they are amazingly supportive and offer help all the time. What is scary is that no amount of support keeps me from going off the deep end with my kids for no rational reason, and with no predictability. I've been a mother for 7 1/2 years, I've had five children (and I'm a postpartum doula, perhaps ironically) -- this is not normal. It took me a complete breakdown last Thursday to realize that telling myself "Well, this will all pass, it's just being a month postpartum" is maybe not the best way to go. I can't do that, I can't do this for much longer -- the only thing that's gotten me through the past few days is the idea that with supplementation, remedies, and possibly meds, I won't have to go through this like this much longer. Even with that it was all I could do to keep it together today.

I don't even recognize myself.

[mom0810]

Please consider meds. There are so many that are perfectly safe in breastfeeding mothers. You are having trouble functioning and that is a clear sign that something is wrong.

Meds won't change anything, the best way I have heard them described is that they are like turning a light on in a dark room. You can see things better, you can function better, you WANT to do things, and you will find yourself smiling, singing to yourself, whatever those things were that you did before that made you happy, those things will come back.

I also want you to consider therapy because based on your birth experience, I think you may have PTSD in addition to PPD. I think you should seek help for this, and I will also tell you that meds will help with this tremendously. Are you re-living the event? Having trouble sleeping? Anxiety a problem? These are all symptoms of PTSD.

I had both PTSD and PPD and meds and therapy helped me so much. I hope you can find the path that will help you.

[Collinsky]

Originally Posted by mom0810

Please consider meds. There are so many that are perfectly safe in breastfeeding mothers. You are having trouble functioning and that is a clear sign that something is wrong.

Meds won't change anything, the best way I have heard them described is that they are like turning a light on in a dark room. You can see things better, you can function better, you WANT to do things, and you will find yourself smiling, singing to yourself, whatever those things were that you did before that made you happy, those things will come back.

I also want you to consider therapy because based on your birth experience, I think you may have PTSD in addition to PPD. I think you should seek help for this, and I will also tell you that meds will help with this tremendously. Are you re-living the event? Having trouble sleeping? Anxiety a problem? These are all symptoms of PTSD.

I had both PTSD and PPD and meds and therapy helped me so much. I hope you can find the path that will help you.

I am trying natural remedies for the next couple weeks - I will see my OB then and will talk to her about what's going on, what I've tried, and will definitely consider meds if the other stuff hasn't helped.

I don't think PTSD is a factor - I'm not really reliving the labor, and I still think of the actual surgery as a relief. I do grieve what I lost (the vaginal birth experience, actually pushing a baby out, and the at-home after birth time). Any anxiety that I'm having isn't around the birth thoughts -- it's mostly being overwhelmed and feeling helpless, tons of pressure, and guilt. Feeling that I can't handle my life, or that I'm doing/have done something wrong. Therapy is a possibility that I mentioned to Dh, so we're going to look into what our insurance covers. I believe there is a great postpartum support group in the area and that might be worth looking into as well. I probably should talk to someone because I recognize that I feel very guilty and ashamed having postpartum mood issues that I can't handle on my own. I tried and things (meaning me) just kept spiraling out of control.

[Turquesa]

I definitely second the suggestion to get into therapy. Feel free to shop around until you find somebody you can click with. Regardless of how you perceive your birth experience, the depression that you're experiencing makes you a definite candidate for therapy. Therapy has done absolute wonders for me.

[doulawoman]

it can take a little while for the ptsd to develop. I felt much the same about my c section at first too.. about 6 weeks pp it hit me... I had general anxiety and a hard time coping before that. don't rule it out yet, it might be a factor. I hope you get the help you need regardless. you know yourself and what is normal for you post birth. hugs

[Angela512]

I really think you should visit a naturopathic doctor. While I could sit here and tell you what to take, the naturopathic doctor will go over all of your symptoms and change up the stuff you take to match your moods. I saw my naturopathic doctor every week for 3 months. I am completely against taking meds as I have seen friends who started taking meds to deal with PPD and ended up still taking them 8 years later, otherwise they would hit a deep depression and not be able to function. I wanted to deal with the problem and not mask the symptoms.

There is a lot more to naturopathic remedies than just taking things here and there...amounts, time of day, etc. all play into how effective your remedies are. I did it the naturopathic way and I felt better (and learned a lot about myself) in the 3 months. PPD is NOT just hormonal, it is also very psychological. Most women who get PPD feel overwhelmed and under-helped. I had really bad PPD with my 2nd child (my husband was never home and I had a 4 year old, a new home, new city, etc, etc, etc).

I don't know if I would recommend you doing exercises right now, as you just had major surgery and need to allow your body to recover from that. That should definitely be discussed with your doctor. But, definitely getting out of the house and into the sunshine for at least 15 minutes a day would help a lot. Taking Cold filtered Cod Liver Oil daily (Carlson Lemon flavor is my fave).

And look into a Mommy's Helper. Someone who will come over and help take care of the kids (run after them outside), who will help you by doing light cleaning and cooking. Someone who can keep some sembelance of routine and order in the home to help the kids adjust and help you recover. Even if this person only came over 3 days a week...it would take a large load off of your shoulders. Knowing that your kids are outside playing and having fun while you take a long nap and keep your feet up and let yourself recover both physically and mentally.

A mommy's helper/nanny/etc. is a bit of a different support system than friends. The mommy's helper/nanny/etc. is there for the sole purpose of doing the things that need to be done...not necessarily there to chat and visit, etc.

I hope you feel better soon.

[mum4vr]

don't blame yourself

SO MANY mamas go through this, but I am so relieved that you recognize that this is no where near your norm, and that you know you may need help at home or medically. Push that appointment up if you can-- this is an emergency. Take your friends up on their offers of help-- tomorrow.

If you've tried LLL, you could look for a MOPs group (mothers of pre-schoolers) they are lifesavers.

I agree w the PPs-- all had great advice and encouragement. As far as PTSD-- you don't necessarily relive the trauma in every case-- you may just feel really bad, and not recognize why-- sometimes another event gets blamed. Do ask your dr about this. Describing your experience as traumatic makes me concerned. Either way-- do ask the dr asap about your options, and do not feel bad about taking care of YOU right now.

Hugs to you-- you're a great mama, and you haven't failed-- you are making the next right choice for you and all the little lovees, too. (Oh, yeah, and your dh).

[ivymae]

Oh honey. I'm right there with you. How are you feeling today?

[Collinsky]

Hi everyone, thanks for all your thoughts!

Two weeks ago I started supplementing (multivit, B-50 complex, inositol (3g/day), fish oil (3g/day), cal/mag, and a multimineral) and taking motherwort tincture twice a day. I've cut my doses of that in half this week, and it's down to once a day most days. I feel worlds better. I saw the dr yesterday and she had me do the PPD screening questionaire, and my answers were quite different than they were when I first posted here. I talked to her about how I had been feeling, how I was feeling now, and what I was doing as far as supplements - and if I feel out of control again I can call her for meds.

I'm going to be looking into getting tryptophan and/or l-theanine, but I will possibly be having my regular dr run a blood panel to see if it's necessary, and if it is what will be most effective there.

nak -- it';s just so nice to feel sort of normal!!!!