Do other five year olds ever say that they "want to die"?

[CrazyCatLady]

My five year old was looking at some older pictures today and then told me that looking at pictures makes her sad and want to die.

I tried to talk to her about it and find out if she actually meant that or if it was just something she heard and was repeating. Conversation kind of went nowhere.

She's been bummed all day about it being fathers day and her having no father anymore.

Is this one of those normal things that a five year old may say for attention? Like when they say that they "hate you"? Or should I be really worried (I already am). She has mental illness running in both sides of her family so I think I may just be a little paranoid about this kind of thing, but I'm not sure. I don't know enough other five year olds. What do you all think?

[ramama]

Honestly, I wouldn't mess with that kind of thing, or speculate on it, just get the opinion of a mental health professional. My DD1 did say those things when she was on medication for severe anxiety and it was a side effect of the medication. It freaked me the hell out to hear my little girl saying the things she was saying! She was 5 at the time and none of her health practitioners ever mentioned that it was normal for a kid her age to say those things. I know how scary that is! We also have mental health issues on both sides, but not me, so I didn't know how to identify it, or how to talk to her about it, because I had zero personal experience. Yeah, scary. I would get her checked out and keep your eyes open to any patterns or behaviors that you may not have noticed before she said that. Good luck!

[Leersia]

Hugs, mama. I don't really know what's "normal" in other five-year-olds, but when my son was that age, he would occasionally say some things that I thought were seriously scary-negative, like "I hate myself and wish I'd never been born". He's always been an intense kid and his feels just come out that way. I noticed it more when he was tired, or had been at Grandma's where he had lots of sugar and food coloring. No mental illness in our family. He just turned 8 as still says dramatic things, but not like when he was younger. In dealing with him, I never made a big deal about what he said. I would acknowledge it, and tell him I was so sorry that he was feeling so bad, but I never showed that it made me worried (in case it was an attention-seeking device. . .). HTH. ..

[greenmansions]

My 6 yo ds used those words a few times. I asked our old preschool teacher about it since she knows him very well, and she is a child psychologist by training. She said kids experiment with words and want to see the effects as they are trying to figure out the meaning and usage. Or they don't have all the words to describe what they're feeling so they use what they've heard even if it's not quite accurate. It's very disturbing to us as adults but to the child it really doesn't mean what it sounds like.

In my ds's case the trigger was when he'd done something like hit his sister. He'd then say things like how awful he was and how he wanted to kill himself. Scary to hear. The teacher said it would pass and it did - he only said it a few times over a month or so and that was easily 6 months ago and it has not recurred. She also said not to make a big deal of it, just comfort him, reassure him that we love him and move on.

I think if the child said it frequently over a longer period of time then maybe I'd worry.

[CrazyCatLady]

I was casual about it when she said it thank goodness. She is very mature in her language and has a big vocabulary, plus she's a bit dramatic...so it could have been just something to say (where she would have learned it is disturbing though). She was tired from swimming + having a bad day.

I just feel like I'm always taking her to doctors for this kind of thing and asking for help. And they always tell me she's just a precocious kid and send us home. So I wanted to get opinions here first before calling anyone.

My mental illness stuff started around age 8, so I could be reading too much into things. I'll keep an eye on it (and this thread) for sure before deciding what to do.

Thanks.

[Viola]

My now 6 year old said that a few times at that age, usually when she was angry. She'd say things like, "I wish I was dead" or "I'll just kill myself then!" It was said in a spiteful way. She also used to get angry and once she said she would kill me and then kill the police if he tried to arrest her. And for awhile she'd get mad and go in and draw pictures of me where I was dead. The first time she gave me one, I was horrified. She came out and showed me the picture and I was all, "Oh, a picture of me, cool, am I crying?" "No! You have X eyes because you are dead, and your blood is leaking out right there!" She sounded so pleased! I saved the picture, but my older daughter was so upset she threw it away.

But, she's gotten out of that phase, for the most part, except she is can still be spiteful in a self harmful way, not that she hurts herself, but that she will throw her own stuff away and threaten to break her own things. I think she does it because she is so angry and doesn't know what to do with the anger, and she knows I'll feel bad when she says these things. She's actually gotten better, she will do things like write notes telling me how she is feeling. Not long ago she wrote me a note, showing her crying and it said, "I feel left out when you say nice things to her and not to me. Can I have a hug."

She was upset when I made a fuss over the card her sister made for me for Mother's Day, and she kept trying to give me her card again, but I told her I was now going to look at the card her sister made for me. So she got mad and was going to rip hers up. and I took it away and told her absolutely not, she made it for me and was not allowed to rip up my card, but that didn't mean I wasn't going to be happy about her sister's card. So awhile later she handed me that note. I feel like her note writing helps center her and helps her verbalize, because often she won't want to talk at all.

[Lilypie32]

Perhaps I am missing the picture but did her father die? Why is he not around? If he is not dead, does she know this? I think it's probably normal. Kids are learning about emotions and how to express them. I would talk to her about her feelings and what feelings mean, etc. I would not worry about mental illness unless there were more symptoms/issues.

You might want to check out the When I'm Feeling series by Trace Moroney. She is a a wonderful author and her books explain in detail to children what their feelings are/mean and how to express them. Psychologists/counselors even recommend them. I love them and so does my son. At the end of each book are thinking/talking points/advice for parents. I highly recommend them.

http://www.tracemoroney.com/index.ph...lings-series-2

[cycle]

I would be very worried if my five year old ever said anything like that. He has never said "I hate you" even, I can't imagine him saying anything like this. Given that it sounds like there is a history of mental illness and that she lost her father I would have her checked out.

[mamazee]

I would be concerned, particularly if she's working through feelings of grief or abandonment (I'm not sure what happened to her father, but any scenario is going to be difficult for her.) I would have her talk to someone, like a counselor if you can afford it, or a religious leader if you're a member of any religious group, or a school counselor if your dd goes to school. Something like that. Even if she doesn't yet completely understand what death is and that it is permanent, it's still a serious enough comment that would point to her needing some help working through some feelings.

[ILoveMyBabyBird]

my 4 year old ds talks about death sometimes, i believe he's even said things like 'i want to die' etc and etc and i am not concerned at all. I have talked to him about death mainly because my mom died years ago and he sees pictures of her etc. He asks how she died and i do my best to explain. I tell him that she was sick with a tiny bug, (cancer) and that the dr.'s tried to fix her and sometimes they can't fix people and she died. I tell him all about tiny bugs, (micro-organism's) and i explain that most the time our body fights the bugs and wins but sometimes our bodies lose. I don't know how her father died, assuming he did, but if it was from an illness maybe try to explain it to her in simple ways, if it was an accident than explain safety her, ie, that's why we wear seat belts, or look both ways to cross the street or blow candles out before we go to bed...and even if we do these things sometimes we can't prevent all accidents. I don't think there is anything wrong with kids expressing sadness etc, and etc. but make sure to talk to her and explain things to her.

[GuildJenn]

Mine's talked about death but has never expressed wanting to die himself, no.

[meemee]

i am so sorry zayla that you feel so sad. i know you would really love to have your daddy around but you dont. it breaks my heart to see you so sad. it so hurts you that you would like to die.

and leave it at that. wanting to die is not normal. neither is it THAT out of the ordinary - a red flag. esp. if her dad died.

at that age all our children want is commiseration.

my dd at 7 learnt about suicide. and after that one day when she couldnt get her way say she would kill herself. now i knew she really didnt want that (we also have mental illness on both sides, but i know she has too much joi de vivre to want to die). she was struggling to express to me how disappointed she was.

so i would say - stop fearing the onset of mental illness. stop focusing on that. it will drive you crazy. really. i know. i had to stop fearing it. if that is the direction life would take us and dd was indeed diagnosed with something, then that is the path i would walk. the good part was that my dd would never be alone. through all her ups and downs i would be with her. just knowing that helped me remove focus on mental illness and allow me to be peace at whatever happened.

and it allowed me to focus on her. to truly get to know her. to understand the language she uses. it took me a while but when i immersed myself in her - i really was able to see her for who she was. and i discovered yes she is sensitive, yes she understands too much without having the same emotional age to emotionally understand what she does intellectually and yes she is disappointed a lot. but i was also able to see how strong she was. seriously. much more than me. how much confidence she has with everything. and it helped me figure her out. instead of always living in fear.

esp. when ex's family compare dd with what he was like when he was her age. and i am sooo relieved.

but what dd really wants is someone to share her disappointment. she wants to know there is someone else to share her 'sorrow'. as well as her celebrations.

which is why since dd turned 5 i started a greiving circle with her. for her 5 was discoverign that the world does not revolve around her. realising that really the world does not truly care about her. it was hard times for her.

so i would sit with her and share my joy and sorrows. she learnt the true meaning of choice. that while you say yes to something, you always say no to something too. we mourned how life was bittersweet.

it has really helped her to see i go thru the same thing too.

today she shrugs her shoulder. ok ma. i know its sad but you can make it through it now. just dont think about it. i am with you. we will get thru this together.

[dbsam]

I have no advice but am concerned about something similar.
My son (just turned six) doesn’t say he wants to die but is very concerned about dying and has been for approx. two years.
Some recent examples:

He started crying in the car and I asked him why. He said he thinks he will die before he is ten and he doesn’t want to.

He’s told me he is afraid of dying and thinks of it often – he says he cannot get it out of his head.

He asked if Santa could bring magic. I said ‘no, but it would be neat if he could; think of all you could do’. He said he only wanted the magic so he could make sure he didn’t die.

He is also very concerned about animals dying. A robin’s egg was lying on the ground next to a tree in our yard. He knows this means the baby bird won’t be born. I went outside to find him crying by the tree. He placed stones around the egg, hung a chime over the egg, and made a cardboard cross and stuck it into the ground. (We haven’t been to church in years and never went regularly – he said he got the idea from seeing cemeteries.) It’s been a couple of weeks and he visits the tree daily.

He is a very sensitive child about most things. I haven’t mentioned this talk of death to the doctors. In the past I mentioned my daughter becoming upset (not about death) and they immediately wanted to put her on anti-depressants. (Many in my family, including myself, have issues with depression and I’m afraid, knowing the family history, they jump to diagnose depression.)

[Needle in the Hay]

I wouldn't worry yet. Sometimes kids say things that parents find disturbing but it's completely innocent and they don't even really grasp what they're saying. I would note it down and if she says it again or something else equally upsetting to you, you can write that down as well. Then if you do feel that you need to consult with a professional at some point you can show them a record of exactly what she said and when she said it.

My son (turning 9 next month) occasionally said things when he was younger that made me uncomfortable and he's absolutely fine. He's a deep thinker and sometimes things occur to him and he says them and that's the end of it.

[meemee]

Originally Posted by dbsam

I have no advice but am concerned about something similar.
My son (just turned six) doesn’t say he wants to die but is very concerned about dying and has been for approx. two years.
Some recent examples:

mama it is absolutely age appropriate what your son is going through.

to me it seems he is v. sensitive and is trying to figure out how to deal with death.

i join my dd in her pain and do the rituals she needs to do.

there is nothing really you can do but support.

the only time to be concerned is when you find it is affecting his life and he is unable to connect or live a normal life.

[mamazee]

Did her father die? If he did, then she understands death, and I would have her get some kind of grief counselling, or something more than what she's had so far, or tell her counsellor about it. I would think in that case that this is about her grief.

If she dosn't understand precisely what death is, it's possible she's trying to say that it makes her feel really bad, or that she wants to alleviate their pain by taking some on, or something like that rather than that she literally wants to die. So if she didn't lose her father through death, I would ask her if she understands what death is and have her describe what death means to see if she understands that it's forever. If she says this and doesn't know what death is, I would not personally be very concerned. She's at an age where she could know or she might not know, as kids start to really understand what death is by about 7 (if I'm accurately remembering what I've read) but not necessarily before that.

[Girlprof]

It's normal for you to worry, under the circumstances. We had nothing so big in our lives and I still worried when my son said stuff like that. And yes, he was around 5.

He's 6.5 now and your post made me realize that he's changed how he does stuff now. He is very sensitive to criticism but now instead of saying "I want to die" he'll say "That makes me feel so stupid when you say that." His comment has become SO much more appropriate even though the timing of the comment (in response to a very minor critique) is still pretty off.

Hugs. It's not easy and for you, this stuff will be especially hard. If you need to consult a mental health professional, I would do it. But, our kid did just that sort of thing at that age.

[dbsam]

Originally Posted by meemee

mama it is absolutely age appropriate what your son is going through.

to me it seems he is v. sensitive and is trying to figure out how to deal with death.

i join my dd in her pain and do the rituals she needs to do.

there is nothing really you can do but support.

the only time to be concerned is when you find it is affecting his life and he is unable to connect or live a normal life.

Thank you for the reassurance. I'm glad he is sensitive and am happy he is able to share his feelings; but it still breaks my heart - and it is so often, all those examples were in the past couple of weeks. He is mostly joyful, but is a sensitive worrier. (e.g. Our town set off fireworks from a barge in Lake Michigan. And although he had a great time, he was worried that night and for days after about the negative affects the debris and chemicals that fell into the lake had on the fish.) I think he might experience pain throughout his life because he is so sensitive; but he will probably be a wonderful caring adult.
Sorry, OP, for derailing.