Grandma's house and my kids-- priorities?

[Llyra]

My kids are going to be spending a lot of time at my mom's house this summer. They usually do in the summer, and they usually eat a whole lot of junk while they're there. I've tried not to be too hung-up on this, since they eat a good diet when they're with me. But DD1 has behavior problems when she's not eating well, and I'm tired of seeing her go through that. So I'm thinking I need to set some limits with my mom, about what she can feed them. She's got a good heart and means well, but "healthy" means different things to her, and she's a little bit-- well, dense, I guess-- about learning new things.

So I know getting her to feed them a really genuinely TF diet is out of the question. It just ain't gonna happen. So I have to choose my battles. What I'm wondering is which ones to choose.

What do you think is most important-- like if you had to choose two or three things you would INSIST on? What my mom feeds them is a pretty typical standard American diet-- juice, lowfat ultra-pasteurized milk, some fresh fruit sometimes, mostly canned veg, a lot of starchy stuff, too much sugar, conventional meat, breakfast cereal, etc. In her defense-- she tries hard to have fresh fruit in the house when they come, even though she really can't afford it. She thinks she's doing well by buying whole wheat bread instead of white (even though it's still full of preservatives) and that she "makes" them drink milk instead of something like Hi-C. She does feed them a lot of locally-caught seafood, which is awesome, and they eat eggs every day.

So I'm thinking I might put the emphasis on:
1. real milk
2. some fresh veg and fruit every day
3. cutting sharply back on the sugar (I won't get away with banning it entirely. I just won't.)

Can you think of anything else you would maybe insist on? I'm going to have to bring the milk myself, since she doesn't have access to good milk where she is. I'll probably have to bring the produce myself, too-- she's unemployed and stepdad is disabled, so money is really tight over there. Fresh produce is expensive.

Please don't hop on and tell me I should just lay down the law and insist my mother do what I say. It's not like she's sneaking around behind my back, or deliberately undermining my parenting. She honestly is TRYING to feed them what she perceives as a healthy diet- she's very proud of things being "low-fat" and tells me about it like she thinks I'll be pleased, for example. She just doesn't understand, and dumping a whole load of restrictions on her won't work-- she'll just tell me not to bring the kids, and that would be heartbreaking for everybody involved. I need to ease her into this, slowly.

[AllieFaye]

Sounds a lot like my mil; I hear 'ya. I just let a lot of things go, but I might put up more of a fuss it were often. I think providing the milk is a great idea. I'd gently suggest that while low-fat is fine for adults and older children, young children must have whole milk. I'd also provide butter for them, just in case margarine is a possibility.

You mentioned a lot of starchy stuff. I'd bring along some better options. I know my mil and mother both really push the kids to eat lots of crackers and chips. I'd still keep them starchy snacks to ease their minds, just not all those saltines.

I also try to keep in mind just how bad it could be, and the big picture for them is a lot better than millions of other children this summer.

[LaughingHyena]

Could you do some baking with your kids before they go over there. Sharing treats which the kids have made with their grandparents seems like a pretty non threatening way to go.

Also how about sending things which the kids can make with their grandparent. Say the ingredients for a fruit salad/ fruit kebabs. Threading whole grain o cereal to make bracelets. Some things to make fruit smoothies

[BeagleMommy]

Could you make and send granola instead of frosted-sugar-puffed-pops or whatever? Or would you be winning some if you suggested one of the lower sugar cereals?

My MIL proudly announced to me that my 3 y/o likes honey nut cheerios. Yeah, great. But at least she hasn't introduced my little one to coffee yet, my nephews weren't so lucky. They were drinking coffee and coke by three. I really do love her, but sometimes I wonder why!

[tarajean56]

I really understand this as well. My kids go over to my mom's house every Wednesday evening. While the dinner she feeds them is pretty good, they get tons of treats like pop tarts, little debbie cinnamon rolls, and "healthy" nutrigrain bars.

I feel like having a wonderful, close relationship with their grandparents outweighs the bad the treats might do (pretty scientific, huh?). Also, the break it affords me is priceless to me, and I'm not willing to rock the boat too much on the food thing.

Since your kids are spending so much time there this summer, I get why some adjustments are prudent, especially considering your daughter's sensitivity to eating poorly. I think good milk is a super easy substitution. I also like the idea of sending some good butter for her to have for when she needs to use it for the kids. The fresh produce is good too. Another thing in place of cookies or snacks might be to either make some muffins to send or even Luna Bars. If you bake bread, you could send a loaf every few days.

I don't know if money is tight for you as well as your mom, but sending food might be a relief for her financially. Then, you are able to bless her by relieving the financial responsibility of feeding the kids - and be able to have more control over what they eat.

I think its important to be aware of what we are eating and how it affects our bodies, but IMO its best to be relaxed about it (as you seem to be), especially when other people are loving and taking care of your kiddos.

[daisymommy]

I think your three ideas sound perfect to me. I like the idea of bringing whatever you can to help out too. As a mother of a child who goes crazy when he eats dyes, preservatives, etc. I totally understand where you are coming from. Maybe bring some kid-snacks that are okay for your child, and also giving some suggestions, once again, to grandma would be helpful. But I agree with you, that these memories will last a lifetime, long after the negative effects of bad food will have worn off. The damage won't be permanent.

[cristeen]

You say your DD has behavioral problems when not eating "well" - what exactly are her triggers? I would focus on those particular issues. Is lots of sugar an issue? Preservatives? Food dyes? Starches?

When you say they spend "a lot of time" there - do you means at a stretch, or do they spend the day and then come home each night?

Those things would really influence what issues I would push.

I say put your foot down over the trigger foods. That may mean you have to bring more, or bring alternatives.

Beyond the trigger foods... For my own self, I would put my foot down over the processed crap (sugar cereals, boxed pastries, etc.). I'd rather bring a healthier cereal/granola, bring the ingredients to bake goodies (or bake them and bring them either one), and better "candy" if that's what she uses as a treat. We will have to do this at some point, since my grandmother's kitchen is full of HFCS, hydrogenated oils and soy - three things that are absolute no-gos for me.

[janinemh]

I deal with some similar issues since we live in my parent's back yard and DS is over constantly. I think, given what you say your parent's situation is, your limitations are pretty good. The only other thing I could think of is hydrogenated oils as someone suggested.

My mom likes it when I tell her some specific snacks she can stock up on for DS-- in our case: organic fruit and goat cheese. Or, raisins sometimes. She also bought some Popsicle molds and made all-fruit pops to stock in her fridge.

As others suggested, I also bring over stuff to stock their fridge especially when they will be watching him all day. Some snacks he loves such as Nori, frozen crepes and waffles they can reheat, hard boiled eggs, veggie sticks, kefir and yogurt, TF cookies and cupcakes/muffins.

Sometimes my mom gets a bit offended because I don't let DS eat all her food-- and like your mom, I know she tries, but she watches him too frequently for me to just let everything go. If it was once a month or less, I wouldn't worry so much but several times a week is too much not to put some limitation in my opinion.

[Ruthla]

I would focus on avoiding the worst avoids, whatever is the biggest trigger for your kids. I would tell her "no food dyes" no matter what your specific child's issues are, because they can lead to AD/HD behavior, plus the foods that contain dyes tend to be nutritionally bankrupt anyway (plus are often overpriced.) If your child also needs to avoid TBHQ, BHA, and BHT (the preservatives avoided on Feingold), then you may need to provide your mom with bread and boxed cereals for them- those preservatives are really hard to avoid in "conventional" baked goods.

Telling her to avoid HFCS may be easier- it won't be hidden on the label the way preservatives can be, and the HFCS laden foods tend to be overly processed. If she can only give them real sugar, not HFCS, it will limit the overal quantity of sugar without eliminating it entirely, plus keep them away from the junkiest items. OTOH, HFCS is often in small print, can be in foods labeled "all natural", and avoiding it might be too much for her to handle.


I'd also insist she give them full-fat milk. Whole milk doesn't cost any more than lowfat, and the fat will help them have more stable blood sugar even if they do eat too many sweets. I'd also ask her to either limit the juice or not to serve it entirely. Why can't the kids just drink water at her house? It's cheaper, has no sugars, and eliminates the risk of her accidentally serving them "juice drink" with dyes and/or HFCS.

So, if you need three things, I'd go for:

1) No food dyes
2) Whole milk
3) No juice (or "1 cup of juice per day" if they're staying overnight.)

Alternatively:

1) No food dyes
2) No HFCS
3) The kids drink either whole milk or water, no juice

[CherryBomb]

Since money is an issue for her, I wouldn't push it too much, plus it sounds like she's really trying. I'd send along the stuff that really matters to you (like raw milk and fresh fruit and veg) and try to just let the rest go.

[Llyra]

They do stay overnight. Often for multiple days in a row-- right now DD1 is there for five days, for instance. This trip, I decided to focus on sleep-- that DD needs to go to bed early. I'm going to focus on one issue at a time, slowly, over the next few weeks.

I think DD1's main issue, behaviorally, is that she will happily subsist on sugar and starch, given the choice. And when she does that, and doesn't get enough fat and protein, she goes through these wild blood-sugar swings, where she feels TERRIFIC for a short time, and then crashes, and is drowsy and cranky and irritable and says she's hungry. So my mom gives her more-- crackers, cereal, bread, chips, whatever-- and the whole thing starts all over again. What I do at home is to only offer whole-grains-- no white flour, and the barest minimum of sugar just for homemade treats-- and then she always gets her starchy stuff, even potatoes and legumes for instance-- buffered by plenty of fat and protein. When I make cookies, for instance, I use only the smallest bit of honey, and then use tons of coconut oil and butter and eggs. But my mom is a big believer in low-fat everything, and just has this serious mental block against the idea that fat is not the devil. I've explained a thousand times, and it just doesn't penetrate.

I like the HFCS suggestion, because avoiding THAT will also mean avoiding a whole slew of other things I'd rather not see them eat. And it's easy for her to look for, plus the issue of HFCS is one that's penetrated a bit into the mainstream, so she's probably heard of it being unhealthy.

One good thing about my mom is that she GETS it about food dyes. So we've won that battle, at least. And if I provide the food, she WILL use it. So I think my kids are just going to have to arrive with a bag, each time they go over there.

The main trouble with water is they WON'T drink it over there. They do at home, but they've learned over the years that Grandma's house means juice and my mom lets them wear her down, because she wants them to be happy and enjoy being there. She's a big believer in choosing her battles, which is marvelous on other issues, but tough when it comes to food guidelines. But the juice doesn't bug me so much-- it's usually orange juice, or tomato juice, both of which are a little richer in vitamins than the standard kid-juice, so I'm willing to allow that.

Keep your thoughts coming, please. They are very helpful to me.

[Peacemamalove]

My MIL sounds the same. It was hard enough on her telling her we were Vegetarians for 5 years, then switching to TF, then Gluten Free. So we try to work with her as much as we can. But there is some great advice here!