About to undergo The Grilling about our decision - tips?

[laohaire]

I love MIL but her thing is grilling. She could be a lawyer. It's not a hostile grilling, it's an anxiety thing. She worries about things and wants to feel like every angle has been examined and addressed. If we just get through the grilling it will be fine. My target is MIL only; she will probably end up supportive of us if we don't completely blow this. FIL is extremely opinionated and will not change his mind, but he won't do anything except make occasional comments which we can all ignore.

DH and I do not believe we have to justify homeschooling to MIL but the reality is that neither of us are immune to her grilling tactics. She will get more anxious if we try to shut her down. If we can just get through the grilling then it will be pretty smooth after that.

Any tips on things to say or not to say, based on experience? It's hard because I feel very fine about our choice but I don't really have any desire to actually list our reasons to not go to public school. I feel like actual concrete reasons will either become points of argument (mostly with FIL) or potential issues of hurt (if DH complains about his own school experience, that will be hard for MIL to hear because she in fact put in a great deal of effort, time and money into his education). However, we won't get through this without specific reasons; MIL is the master at getting it all out of us.

This is my not at all refined list of our reasons, meaning they are not phrased nicely for someone who is not already pro-homeschooling:

- DH absolutely hated school, to a degree that affects him even today. He did not fit into it at all. And he thinks that it robbed him of enjoying some things because he has such negative feelings about "learning." I fit into school just fine academically (not socially) - but DD is much more like DH than like me. (Landmine, since MIL stood on her head to try to make school ok for DH).
- DD does not want to be away from us yet, by her own words and actions. (Landmine, since obviously everyone thinks we have to MAKE her be independent, and she'll never grow up if we don't MAKE her be away from us). DD did try preschool and then asked to not go again.
- Peer pressure, bullying, peer orientation - we want to avoid. (Bullying, MIL will probably understand, but the others sound like we want to shelter her and this will also spark the Soclalization issue).
- We want her to learn at her own pace. (Probably will go over ok, except maybe a concern about us teaching her advanced items which I'm not too worried about. I'll have to learn a lot again with her, but that sounds great, and I'm a pretty smart person myself )
- We want her to be exposed to/have emphasis on a few different things. We don't want her to just learn the party line about Columbus and the atomic bomb and so on and so forth. (Probably not a landmine, though she can rightly point out that we don't have to homeschool to do this).

[scoobymummy]

Our approach

When we started homeschooling, we released information in small, manageable bites. We started with 'ds is struggling, so we are going to homeschool for two years and then re-evaluate' - that made it more of a situational choice rather than a life-style choice. Eventually we talked about it as a long term decision, but only when we were comfortable with people around thinking we were cracked -lol.

As far as approach and philosophy, we play that pretty close to the chest, unless we feel that the person is receptive. We're doing a fairly unschooley approach until the children are older, but when relatives or neighbors ask how we're keeping up with the curriculum, we just smile and say 'just fine'; or if people see us out and about and ask if we're finishing school for the day we smile and say 'yep! it doesn't take long when you school at home!'. May seem like avoidance, but I don't feel like I need to be an ambassador for unschooling and I like to stay somewhat under the wire. I know my siblings think I'm cracked, so again, I answer questions with short answers that really don't give much information away, but that keeps things comfortable. Interestingly, my kids just go with it. If they were really questioned, they would answer honestly, but the loaded questions are usually directed at me, and they don't contradict me when I fudge or blurr things.

Not sure if this approach will work with your MIL - sounds like she might like specifics. I would keep your explanations as simple as you can. Is she open to reading? I find that articles or books that aren't too controversial, but that support learning at home, helps a lot. I would let her know that your child's level of maturity is such that she is not yet ready for school, so you are going to homeschool for a few years and then reevaluate.

Good luck! It's nice that you except her need to know as a positive concern for your family. It helps when you recognize that her need to know is based in love.

[kathymuggle]

Normally I would argue you do not have to justify your position to anyone, but in this case it sounds like it is a relationship that means a lot to you and talking to her may appease her anxiety (which is a nice thing to do).

I would start by focusing on the positive. State all the positive reasons you want to Hs and stay away from anything anti school. Seeing as your MIL stood on her head to make school work, she may feel defensive if you go down the anti school road.

I would point out two basic facts:

1. Overall, Hs students perform better on academic tests. This is a well researched educational choice you are making.

2. Socially she will be fine. There are neighbourhood kids, HS groups, extra curricular activities, sports, etc.

I would only go down the anti school route if the conversation turns that way and you feel it is best to address it. I would acknowledge the work your MIL did trying to make schooling work - and how that was probably the best route at the time (when less was known about HSing and it was not seen as an option). There is a different route though, now, and it is HSing and it is what you are choosing as the parents.

If the conversation really spirals out of control I would say:

We all do the best we can with the information we have. We are the parents, this is an extremely well researched descision and it is not open to debate.

I would also have solid research on hand - to be honest if she is not willing to read it, I would not bother with too much discussion. I am not willing, relative or not, to bother enterring into a discussion with someone who will not research a topic.

Good luck - hopefully (probably) focusing on the positive will work.

kathy

[kathymuggle]

Originally Posted by scoobymummy

As far as approach and philosophy, we play that pretty close to the chest, unless we feel that the person is receptive. We're doing a fairly unschooley approach until the children are older, but when relatives or neighbors ask how we're keeping up with the curriculum, we just smile and say 'just fine'; or if people see us out and about and ask if we're finishing school for the day we smile and say 'yep! it doesn't take long when you school at home!'.

.

[laohaire]

Yeah, that's a good point, I'm not going to talk approach and philosophy. And I don't think it will come up. No way am I going to utter the word "unschooling" (we are "unschoolish" but not RU). I doubt MIL even knows there are different approaches; she'll probably assume the "school at home" approach, and I won't disillusion her.

Yes, I totally agree, we have no obligation to convince her, it's our decision. I'm willing to have the conversation, though, because MIL is open-minded, and the grilling is actually part of that. She grills because she will actually listen to and absorb the information. All we have to do is avoid a big landmine and it will be fine, even if we come out thinking "omg that was rough" she'll probably be satisfied and actually be supportive.

I like the idea of focusing on the positive parts (we like homeschooling) over the negative (we don't like school). MIL will probably get some of the negative out of us, but we'll try to focus on the positive.

We've already dropped hints, saying we were considering homeschool - starting a couple years ago.

A couple of days ago we were visiting that branch of the family, and somebody (lol, it was my husband's mother's husband's ex-wife's husband's best friend's girlfriend) asked DD how old she was and said "oh, you'll be starting Kindergarten in the fall then?" DH replied that we were homeschooling. Silence from the room. Then MIL started what would have been the grilling - "So what made you guys decide that?" But DH smartly said we'd talk about it later. That was great because we had at least one rabid anti-homeschooler in the room (SSIL) who really just didn't need to be part of the conversation. Not to mention we have no intention of discussing it with near-strangers (of which there were some in the room). So we know that this topic is not going to get dropped, so it will be done over the July 4 visit.

After this one, it should be a piece of cake with my mom. I hope, anyway.

[SundayCrepes]

You can also talk about how school has changed a lot since your husband was in school. There are as many as 35 to 40 students in some classrooms now (with no aides.) There is more bullying, more violence. Because of no child left behind teachers teach to the test instead of teaching to learn. There are even schools that do not offer recess anymore because they are so busy teaching to the test. Can you imagine all those little bodies full of energy not being able to run around?This will make it sound like your husband's education was fine, but things have changed.

Talk about how you initially had concerns about socialization (you're agreeing with her here) but that you have done research and have found out that homeschoolers are actually better socialized. Here's an article on homeschooling and socialization. http://learninfreedom.org/socialization.html

and another http://www.homeschool.com/articles/s...on/default.asp

You could refer her to this video (watch it yourself first.) Ken Robinson says schools kill creativity
http://www.ted.com/talks/ken_robinso...reativity.html

Here's a movie trailer she might find interesting. Again, watch it yourself first then reinforce how schools have changed so much in the last few years. http://www.racetonowhere.com/trailer

[laurata]

You could also talk about how her efforts to provide the best educational environment have inspired you to do the same, just in a different way. Flattery sometimes works wonders.

[kathymuggle]

Originally Posted by laurata

You could also talk about how her efforts to provide the best educational environment have inspired you to do the same, just in a different way. Flattery sometimes works wonders.

Yes! Find the common ground...you both want a good education for children (as is evident by her going to great lenghts to make school work for her son). The methods may be different, but the goal and motivaion are the same.

[Tjej]

I'm thinking that the angle of "DC will be able to spend more time with you" may work well on my family... even things like "DC can learn things from you like your marvelous baking and some quilting... I don't know how to make the (ancestral ethnic foods from DH's side of family) and your quilting is just beautiful!".

It may not be one of your top priorities, but it seems to me that many of the people on this forum really end up appreciating the freedom of time - kids not using as much time waiting for other kids to sit in class, line up, etc. That is a reason that your MIL could understand and appreciate. You can put it in a positive light too - not "school wastes time by X" but "homeschooling saves time by X".

Tjej

[elanorh]

Step-MIL *is* a teacher, so this was a really sensitive conversation for us.

We focused more on the positive, less on the reasons that we feel that schools are failing kids -- because despite the fact that we don't think (most) teachers are themselves responsible for the situation, she would take it personally.

Our reasons:
1. Restrictive attendance policies - we travel alot, and one of the reasons we travel is to visit great-Grandmas (during the school year, dh can't travel much during the summer due to his job). Dh's paternal grandmother passed away this winter, and it meant so much to us that dd1 and dd2 knew her well because of our visits. This is a difficult one for anyone to oppose (really, you want us to never see the great-grandmas so our kid can be in school??). But of course, there were suggestions that we ought to quit traveling so kiddo could be in school like everyone else. The great-Grandmas were our ace in the hole for this point. Add in the fact that we *always* stop at historical markers, museums, etc. while traveling and the opportunities it's given, and this is a hard one to argue against.

2. Working at her own pace. Both our families recall/understand this issue - we and our siblings all had points where we were either bored because we grasped it, or else overwhelmed because we didn't get it -- being able to move quickly or slowly, as needed, is a great thing. So is being able to really explore a topic that intrigues dd1 and go further in-depth on that issue. This leads to love of learning. We want her to love learning!!

3. When schools specifically come up, we do bring up "Teaching to the Test." Step-MIL hates the tests, so it's hard for her to defend that.

4. In terms of socialization, IME this is one thing that actually for US can apply. We are both introverts, and have made little effort to get involved with the local homeschooling groups. We talk about the Art and Swim classes that dd1 takes at the Y. But we should do more in this area, dd1 would love to have more friends than the two local friends she has. This fall we plan to test the waters with both homeschool groups and see if we can fit in either one (I doubt it as we are not evangelical Christians and I think both groups are).

....If there are some stereotypes of homeschooling that you know don't apply to you, this discussion might be a good time to air those with your MIL (for instance, as I mentioned above, most people here are homeschooling at least in part because of religious beliefs but we aren't).

[laohaire]

Thanks everyone for your ideas. I talked to DH last night about some of the suggestions and he thought they were good. He'll focus on the positive. He knows not to bring up curriculums or philosophy. I pointed out that his mother put in a lot of effort/time/money on making school work for him (something he hadn't exactly thought about in precisely that way or context) and he thought he could use that for us, to mention how he appreciated her effort in that regard and that he wants to be similarly thoughtful for DD.

DH apparently is not at all worried about the conversation, which kind of surprised me - but I guess it's sort of new. His mother used to have us running in circles but we've all changed. (Including MIL who has chilled out majorly). So that is nice to hear, and I think I won't worry about it either (but I don't think it's bad that I gave the discussion some forethought).

[caefi]

she's going to bring up the social things school offers and other opportunities that you have to seek instead of it being right there.

prom (why does EVERYONE bring up prom????), school dances, sports, pep rallies, learning from other adults, friends, etc

you don't have to have all the answers right now on any of these things ppl ask about. You can say that you don't know where your child's interests will lie when the time comes for [activity] but you know that homeschoolers have those activities and you'll find them and participate, when your child shows an interest in them.

everyone else did a really good job with advising you. I passed through a "grilling" too - only by a teacher I had in high school. He had been a lawyer and taught law at my high school, was the debate team coach and was quite the expert "griller". He asked "all" the questions. What I had answers to, I answered. Things that are variables in life I gave an answer like I wrote above. Basically saying, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

I passed. Good luck and remember to keep the perspective that she was in charge of your DH's raising and school choices and try not to tread on that.

[sapphire_chan]

Could you grill her instead?

"Hi MIL, you seemed concerned about us homeschooling DS, so I have some questions for you..."
"Why do you think we should send DS to school?"
"What studies have you read that show kids learn better in that environment?"
"How would he be properly socialized tucked away from society for 6 or more hours a day?"


I mean, sure, we all know that many of the kids who go to school outside the home turn out just fine, especially those with awesome parents, but we also know the same thing about homeschooled kids so it's just as fair to have the questions go the other way.

[chaoticzenmom]

Originally Posted by sapphire_chan

Could you grill her instead?

"Hi MIL, you seemed concerned about us homeschooling DS, so I have some questions for you..."
"Why do you think we should send DS to school?"
"What studies have you read that show kids learn better in that environment?"
"How would he be properly socialized tucked away from society for 6 or more hours a day?"


I mean, sure, we all know that many of the kids who go to school outside the home turn out just fine, especially those with awesome parents, but we also know the same thing about homeschooled kids so it's just as fair to have the questions go the other way.

I agree. Be gentle, and don't assume you know where she's coming from or why she's concerned. Empty your mind and ask lots of questions of her. If she has a concern, ask why she's concerned about it. People who do all the talking are really easy to argue with...it's almost effortless Make her work for it. Learn the art of rephrasing.

My inlaws really irk me with their "concerns." They think that there are certain things that people just "must" know. I"m not sure what those things were because I think I just got pissed and closed my mind. I responded mostly with "no, it's ok if they don't know that." Which I'm sure pisses them off. I just disagree with everything they say. For example, we got into it because they said that people couldn't learn to read after the childhood years. I just said "yes they can." They started freaking out, siting their friend who's a principal (if you have a friend who's a teacher or principal, you're an automatic expert) and their neck veins popped out.LOL I really shouldn't do that to them at their ages. I'm going to try to be more gentle in the future.

[joanna0707]

My DS is small so I have quite some time to prepare for this kind of talk and I'm mostly worried about my father, it's so hard to change his mind. I'm planning to buy a good book about homeschooling and have my parents read it before we talk, hopefully the book will answer a lot of their questions and help me convince them. Maybe you can do the same?

[ChinaDoll]

Originally Posted by kathymuggle

I would only go down the anti school route if the conversation turns that way and you feel it is best to address it. I would acknowledge the work your MIL did trying to make schooling work - and how that was probably the best route at the time (when less was known about HSing and it was not seen as an option). There is a different route though, now, and it is HSing and it is what you are choosing as the parents.

Absolutely - I would even build on that, compliment her for all her hard work to make school work for your DH sharing that you admire it and that you're trying to do a similar thing, only now you have so many more resources and options and that you're SO excited about it (that especially always shuts things down for us)