Dream vs. Reality

[simplemama32]

As I've explored past discussions here at MDC and read some of the (too many) relationship/divorce books I've come across while trying to make sense of my marriage, I keep running into the same statement. Which is how so many people grieve for the dream of how they wanted the marriage to be or the person they wanted their spouse to be...but they don't really mourn the reality of either.

That has resonated with me since the first time I read it, but the more I've thought about our marriage and our whole relationship, I am just...stunned...at exactly how well and for how long I could have been deceiving myself by clinging to "the dream." I think there's a bit of rose-colored glasses going on in most love relationships, but this definitely goes beyond that. And yet, I still question which parts were dream and which were reality. Everything is so tangled and hard to make sense of.

I think the best way to describe our relationship as I now view it is I feel like I was given a puzzle to put together without having any idea of what the final picture was supposed to look like. I had many assumptions and beliefs, based on other puzzles I had experience with in the past, but that didn't help with this puzzle. Some pieces fit, more didn't fit at all, and some only fit because I jammed them together the way I thought they were supposed to fit, but it would have been obvious to anyone else that there was no way to make this puzzle work with the pieces I was given.

Does that mean I'm steadfast and determined, or just pigheaded and delusional...?

Anyway, I feel like I have a question in here somewhere for those of you who have made similar statements about dream vs. reality. But I'm not quite sure how to phrase it.

What I want to know, I suppose, is...how did you come to the realization that you were mourning a life and/or a person that didn't really exist? How did you let go of it, mentally and emotionally? Did you ever question whether you could let go of the dream and maybe accept the reality of your relationship instead? And, omg...how do you make sure this NEVER happens again in future relationships?

[kryztuh]

I have nothing to offer but will be watching for responses. I'm grieving the relationship big time right now...

[Halfasianmomma]

Originally Posted by simplemama32

..how did you come to the realization that you were mourning a life and/or a person that didn't really exist? How did you let go of it, mentally and emotionally? Did you ever question whether you could let go of the dream and maybe accept the reality of your relationship instead? And, omg...how do you make sure this NEVER happens again in future relationships?

Perhaps, in my case, it was "easier" as the end of my relationship was marked with bursts of verbal abuse and drunkeness, so I was able to have that "smack myself on the forehead moment". It was also by going through Al-Anon and reading that awesome book "Codependent No More" that I realized that the life I had imagined and the life I was living were two ENTIRELY different realities. I started writing down what I had wanted and placed right next to it a point form list of what was going on in my life at the time. Seeing it on paper really hurt.

I didn't so much have to "let go" of the dream, as stop being a victim to someone's abuse. He'd destroyed the dream for me, slowly but surely. After a couple of years of being with him, I had already let go of my dream and was just muddling through. When I finally left XH, I realized that life didn't just have to be about muddling through. After some time, some journaling and therapy, I came to realize that I didn't need *him* to have my dream. I wanted a child, a safe and lovely home, a little bit of art/adventure, and room to grow. I never wanted the arguments, the madness/drama, the booze and the drugs.

As for making sure this doesn't happen again, I'm a faithful follower of Codependent No More, and I watch myself like a hawk for "codiness", and that desire to fix/change/save/get overinvolved. I write every day. I pray. And seeing as I'm already involved with another person, I discuss my struggles with him regularly, and he in turn checks in with me regularly to see how I think things are going. We're going sloooooooow and it's just how I like it.

[simplemama32]

Originally Posted by Halfasianmomma

When I finally left XH, I realized that life didn't just have to be about muddling through. After some time, some journaling and therapy, I came to realize that I didn't need *him* to have my dream. I wanted a child, a safe and lovely home, a little bit of art/adventure, and room to grow.

That last sentence sounds just lovely to me. I hope you have or get all of this soon.