‘I don’t like Grandma!--update post 16

[proudmamanow]

Hmm....this is a tough one. Dd1(age 5) has always been very close to my mom. She took care of her for a week when she was 2 and dp had a family emergency (days only, I was WOH FT). They love playing together and doing special activities together...or did until recently!
Grandma visited at Christmas and that seemed to go well. We went to visit her at Easter and dd seemed to be mad at her the whole time, and afterwards said that she was mad at her for tickling her and she didn’t want her to do that anymore. Grandma came down in May for a visit with Aunt, where they took care of our two girls while we went away for our first night away—all went well, but Dd1 expressed a marked preference for Auntie during this visit and didn’t spend much time with Grandma—which was fine because Grandma could then spend more time taking care of her 2 yo sister.
As we were driving Gma & Auntie to the bus station, Dd1 said ‘I wish I could live next to Auntie!’ I said, yeah I wish we could live closer to all our family & grandparents. She then clarified ‘No, I don’t want to live near Grandma, only Auntie!’ My mom took it well, assuming it was just jealousy from playing so much with her little sister. (I did later explain to dd1 that saying something like that could hurt Grandma’s feelings).
But again recently I mentioned the possibility of going on a trip with Grandma in the fall, and dd said to me ‘No! I don’t like Grandma!’
I can’t figure out what’s going on, but this is starting to worry me & I’m a bit worried about their relationship, as it is now going on 3 months that she has been feeling that way.
Some thoughts:
-My mom’s anxiety—my mom is a fairly anxious person. At Christmas, I articulated to her some of the concerns we had been having about dd1 (it seems likely that she has SPD, and emotional regulation issues). I am concerned that Grandma is now worried about her and not just enjoying her and that is translating itself to dd, who is pretty sensitive.

-Divorced parents—my parents divorced when I was 4. I am also very close to my dad & stepmom, and we spend a lot of time with them. Dd ADORES them...of course she used to be more afraid of them and adored my mom...so maybe this is just a case of the pendulum swinging back? On our last visit to my hometown, we had a lovely visit with my dad & then went to my mom’s...I wonder if dd is resentful that we had to cut short time with grandpa to also see grandma, which I admit does make for stressful & rushed visits.

-I have a fairly close relationship with my mom that if anything, has gotten closer since becoming a mom & as she has made a huge effort to have a better relationship with my partner. So I don’t think there is any underlying tension there that she is picking up on...

In any case, after reading this novel, does anyone have any ideas? Dd won’t tell me what it is that makes her mad, but that is not unusual for her, she typically has a very hard time articulating what is bothering her. I KNOW my mom would never do anything to hurt her feelings on purpose & would try to fix whatever it is if she knew.

[New_Natural_Mom]

I hesitate to even mention this, but a sudden change in this attitude towards gma and mention of "tickling"....could something inappropriate have occurred? I only have a 2 yo, so I don't have any BTDT words of wisdom.

Hope it resolves itself quickly.

[Forthwith]

Originally Posted by New_Natural_Mom

I hesitate to even mention this, but a sudden change in this attitude towards gma and mention of "tickling"....could something inappropriate have occurred?

My mother used to tickle me when I was angry. There was nothing inappropriate about it (at least not in the way you mean), but it certainly made me mad at her. It still annoys me, 20 years later.

Maybe the OP's mother tickled her daughter in order to force her into a 'better' mood?

[madskye]

My uncle dropped a chameleon on my dress when I was somewhere between 3-5 and I was afraid of him for at least 10 years. So crazy, but that was my childish mind. I thought he was MEAN for that. (And honestly, it was kind of dumb of him to do, I hated lizards and he thought it was funny. Now he is a very nice, kind man--I really don't know what he was thinking.)

Can you talk to your DD about why she is feeling this way? If something happened, help her make sense of it.

My DD does not like her Great-Grandma, who is lovely, but 92 and cannot see or hear too much...so, to a 5 year old, a day with G-Grandma can be kind of drag. I get that, but have made the impression that she must be polite and that Great-Grandma LOVES her, and that she gets a lot of joy out of being with us. So please be nice on those days.

[A&A]

There is a reason for her disliking G-ma, even if you don't know what it is, and even if it only makes "sense" to your dd.

The best thing you can do is respect your dd.

The worst thing you can do is ignore what she is feeling.

[ssh]

My 4.5 year old often says she dislikes something when she really means she likes something else more. For example she camped out in the dinning room in her tent and she absolutely 'hated' her bed for a couple of days ...... or at least she said she did.

[rhiOrion]

I hate hate hate hate HATE being tickled. HATE it. Always have. My mom had a friend when I was little who liked to play "tickle monster". It was absolutely nothing inappropriate in the way the PP implied... I just hated it. And I disliked that friend because of it.

[dahlialia]

If it is the tickling, I have a suggestion. My dd1 started not wanting to see grandma because she was being too affectionate and asking for too much affection. We encouraged dd1 to voice this to grandma "gma, you ask for too many hugs". After they had cleared the air and dd realized she had a voice, they were great together again.

[CarrieMF]

When your mom watched them did she have to discipline your dd for anything? My youngest did not like my mom for a few years because mom would try to discipline her for things(that were most likely not necessary). My dd also has mild SPD, has lactose issues & my mom could not understand either one.

[mamatowill]

We went through the same thing with my older DS at the same age. He did not want to be with my mother who was looking after him and such. He could not articulate why but he really hated going to her house. He does have anxiety also as does my mother. I wish I had great words of wisdom but in our case it seems that time (and more than three months, more than six even) was what really worked. He goes now to her house and enjoys it alot more. He also was not able to articulate why he did not like her.

[K1329]

It may be that no one event happened. You mention that your mom is an anxious person. It could be that Auntie is just, plain, more fun. My kids have a definite preference for one grandmother over the other - one is relaxed, has few "rules", and plays games non-stop. The other is more concerned with spills, neatness, behavior, etc.. although in a kind way. My kids often don't want to go to the more "uptight" gma's house. I tell them that she's family and loves them dearly (which is certainly true!) and that we don't want to hurt her feelings - that family is important. Do you think it could simply be a personality issue?

[Norasmomma]

I don't like my grandma and I never have. If g-ma is anxious maybe it's bugging your DD. My grandma always made it very clear she cared more about her little mean dogs than me, in fact she still does. My mom still tries to push me to like her, and I never will. FWIW-her sister my great aunt is way more cool, and always has been.

I also have to say I adored my grandpa on my dad's side, BUT I hated that he would tease me all the time, and he would never get that it annoyed me.

Maybe it was the tickling episode, maybe she does like your dad and stepmom more. My DD is around my dad and stepmom all the time and my mom rarely sees her, so of course she is closer to them. I'd attempt to find out the reason, but maybe there isn't one and possibly she's just realizing that she's not that fond of g-ma.

[camracrazy]

I think it's possible that Grandma did something she didn't like (tickling) and perhaps she told Grandma she didn't like it but Grandma didn't listen and kept doing it. I remember things like that happening when I was a kid!

For example, my mom used to pinch the knuckle on my pinkie finger as a sign of "affection". It hurt and I HATED IT WITH A PASSION. No matter how many times I told her, she always "forgot" and tried to do it again. I have seen her do it to my oldest daughter and I have told her many times to stop. My DD says she doesn't mind but it bothers me. I also remember when I was growing up my grandma thought I should hug people she knew whether I knew them or wanted any kind of bodily contact with them at all. If I refused she would try to guilt me into it. Again, I hated it and it caused very negative feelings towards hugging people in general.

I wouldn't force the issue. Maybe you could plan some fun things to do with Grandma while you are present, perhaps a park or zoo day. Then watch how they interact (if they manage to at all). If you see anything happening like Grandma dismissing something that your DD doesn't like or doesn't want her doing, then you can gently back your DD up with something like, "Grandma, I know you may not find this to be a big deal, but DD has told you she doesn't like that, so please don't do it."

[Moonchild77]

http://attachmentparenting.org/blog/...tickle-me-not/

TIcking is something I HATE.
EVen when I am being tickled, I will laugh, but I DO NOT LIKE IT.

My dad did it a lot.
He also - funny-way-spanked-my teddybear....
I laughed, but out of stress.
I am a stresslaugher.

Your kid seems to be honest about her feelings.
Tell your mother not to tickle her again and make sure your LO knows.

[proudmamanow]

Hi everyone,
OP here--thanks for all the input....some good insights I haven't considered & good perspective for me not to be too concerned.

On the tickling--she actually told her on the phone after the Easter visit: 'I didn't like it when you tickled me' . My mom heard her & hasn't done it since. It's true that dd is one of those kids who genuinely dislikes tickling. I never tickle her. But since she articulated that and it stopped, I'm kind of doubting that's it...
But Kelmendi--you are right on, I think she did tickle her to stop her being mad.

madskye--we have a 92 yo great grandma with Alzheimer's who is very similar...and dd feels similarly about visiting her. In fact every time we visit grandma we also visit great grandma & I think dd associates the two.

mamatowill--I'm hoping that time will be all that's needed.
I should clarify that all our grandparents live about 7-8 hours away and so we don't see them all that often, usually once every couple of months. So I'm sure some space and some special time will help.


And it's helpful for me to remember that it may just be a relative thing. But at the same time I want to make sure she is not rude too....

thanks all!

The personality & anxiety stuff though, I think could be related...I think that my mom is spending so much time when she's with her worrying about her & even evaluating her that it is clouding their time together. Last time after she visited she called to tell me what she thinks is up with dd and what we should do differently. Now, to be fair, I did talk to her about being concerned but I am worried her concern is now clouding all her interaction with dd.

[proudmamanow]

A month later and this is still an issue. DD is still really angry at my mom & still unable to articulate why. I had dropped it for about a month to see if it improved (and we were visiting other family & travelling during this time).

But now I'm in a more sticky situation as I want to call & skype with my mom & dd refuses to have anything to do with her...says if I give her the phone she will say 'I hate you!'
She has also said she will only feel better when she's 9 (she's currently 5). I explained that I understand that she is mad but that Gma loves her very much (which is true, she is a devoted grandma to both girls). and that she is my mom so I will be wanting to see her soon.

Dp is going away to visit family this weekend & normally I would think about inviting my mom up for a visit & to help with the girls--she is always happy to help & tries to make time for us. But I feel very constrained by the way dd is feeling. I mentioned that I would want grandma to visit sometime soon, as we haven't seen her in 2 months, and dd said, "well, I hate her! I want to lock her out of the house & leave her out in the rain to sit & get cold!"
I didn't react too much to this, not wanting to make a big deal

I'm really at a loss here. I want to support & validate dd, and she is clearly genuinely upset. But at the same time the rest of us would really like to maintain a good relationship with my mom, you know?

She has said--she is not jealous of her sister, not mad about the tickling. The only thing I can think of is that she is mad about the way my mom disciplined her while we were away, as my mom has until recently avoided disciplining her at all.


HELP! Do you think I should invite Grandma to come anyway? If so how do I deal with dd???? Or if not how do I help address this situation?

[PoppyMama]

Unless you have suspicion of abuse I would invite your mother and let dd that there would be consequences for being rude to guests and family. I don't agree that a 5 year old should run the house. You've been sensitive, tried to figure out what's wrong, your mother has been receptive and sensitive and now this it is time to move this to the "get over it" response.

[proudmamanow]

thanks PoppyMama, that's kind of what I'm leaning towards....any other input?

[philomom]

Maybe your mom could visit... but not stay overnight at your house? I would feel really betrayed if someone I didn't like was roaming around outside my bedroom at night.

[proudmamanow]

I did think about that, philomom. The problem is that she lives a very long way away & we don't have any other family in town, so it would be question of her staying at a hotel. In addition she doesn't drive & we live out in the 'burbs so it would be a significant inconvenience--and we have a private guest bedroom & bathroom in the basement mainly for visiting grandparents.
I hear you on the sense of betrayal thing. I find it so hard to balance between my 5 yo's legitimate feelings (but no explanation given...) and the wants/needs of the rest of the family on this one.