Visiting with the IL's (long distance)- what to let slide?

[penstamon]

Our relations with the IL's have been strained for years and they have only seen DS once when he was born (he is now 11mo). That trip was awful and left a bad taste in our mouths. DH and I have decided to buck up and make a trip to see them for a week, but I am apprehensive about it for many reasons and need to mentally prepare myself by setting certain limits.

They have saved plastic toys, playpens, acrylic clothes and blankets from when DH was a baby- he is now 30- and MIL has commented that they "have everything we would need". Yuk. However, we have to pay for all our baggage and are hauling a carseat and stroller, clothes and toys as it is. Also we have VERY different diets- we are locavores who are very conscious of what we eat and particularly of what DS eats. I can be flexible, but the IL's are very canned veggie, conventional, nitrate, hfcs, additives, preservatives, etc. loving people. We have been accused of food snobbery by them although we have always been polite and eaten what they provided while visiting (even without comment and with many compliments ). Anyway, this type of food is NOT ok for DS to eat imo. I can be flexible with some stuff, but can't swallow a whole week of a crappy diet for him. MIL BF'd her kids for 3 mo and then switched to formula and assumes we should wean soon- DS BFs on demand round the clock. We co-sleep and have a DS who wakes all.night.long. every 1-2 hours and they are only giving us a full-sized bed with a playpen for DS. They would be VERY insulted if we got a hotel and we just don't have the cash. We are spending a lot on this trip.

I really want to be polite and survive this week without hurt feelings, but also do not want to give up a decent diet, what little sleep I can get, and my sanity. Any experiences or advice?

[laohaire]

Just a few thoughts, nothing big:

- Both sets of grandparents have full sized guest beds. One of us (DH when DD was younger, now me) sleeps on the sofa and the other sleeps in the guest room with DD. I don't know how much of a fight it will be for you, but potentially you might not even have to ask - just wait until they go to bed and DH can make himself comfortable on the couch. He can even go without a blanket if you don't want to ask for one. My DH didn't have to do this, but if he did he would lie and say he fell asleep watching TV (and just do it, oh, every night). If that's just not happening, ask for an extra blanket ("we get cold") and somebody (cough, your DH) sleeps on the floor of the guest room, nobody has to know.

- Be enthused and appreciative about the stuff they saved, but absolutely do point out that it would be a fortune to haul it all back. Select some stuff and ship it home in a flat rate box $9.99 for all you can stuff into it, no matter how much it weighs - though the size is limited, which is a GOOD thing for you). Even if you hate everything there, have DH pick whatever small toys he's most fond of. Now you've done your part. If they want to ship you the rest, they can knock themselves out. Just say how cool it is they saved it and interesting to see all those types of toys or whatever again, pick some stuff and say "it would be nice but it's just more than we can afford to ship." If they actually ship it to you, don't worry, just Freecycle it or whatever. If they ever visit and ask about it you can say "oh, yes, we have it stored and we just need to get it out soon." You can get away with it since they don't visit much.

- At 11 months, your son isn't eating that much, is he? I don't think it's rude for you to stop by the farmer's market or grocery store and pick up some fruit and vegetables just for him. Just say he's new at eating and has a few special things he likes. Personally I'd just suck up eating their food for myself, and be gracious and complimentary.

[SilverFish]

well, that's a tough one! we're vegan, so i feel you on the food issues. however, people are used to the idea of babies eating special "baby" food, so maybe you can just use that as an excuse? stop by a grocery store and pick up some of his favourite fresh fruits and veggies and let those constitute the bulk of his meals. "my doctor says" is a pretty useful line to get out of feeding a kid fatty or sugary or processed foods.

with the co-sleeping, not much you can do, sorry. you might be surprised by how well your LO sleeps in the play pen in a new place. otherwise, can you bring a small inflatable air mattress for your DH and share the bed with your babe? if they don't have a bigger bed, well, they can't really do anything about that, so i think you'll just have to deal.

my MIL gave me quite a few things from back in the day... it was awkward, but i either mentioned changing safety regulations, or just quietly didn't use it. no need to make a big fuss.

i hope you're able to have a god time!

[Artichokie]

i hear you. we are also locavores and eat organic and non cafo meat. My MIL's food is wholly unacceptable. For instance, we told her dd loves sweet potatoes and so mil ran out and bought a box of powdered, sweetened, sweet potato food product casserole stuff. What we do when we visit her is bring our own food for dd and our own snacks for all of us. DH and I eat small amounts of MIL's food and drink a LOT of water (it is so salty!) and we snack on healthy food in our room between meals so we don't starve. We make different food for DD. It offends my mil to no end but we simply don't care, lol. Her food choices offend us and she couldn't care less.

As for the bed, can the three of you fit in a full sized bed for a couple of nights? If not, maybe your dh can take one for the team and sleep on the floor with a bunch of blankets.

[penstamon]

haha- the boxed powdered sweet potatoes sound like something MIL would do.

We are going to be around an hour from the nearest farmer's market and decent food stores and will not have our own car. But I do agree that we will need to get DS his "own" food. He actually eats a ton of solids at his own request and they do make up a good part of his diet so I will have to find a way to procure at least the staples- bulk whole grains, organic dairy, and fresh veggies/fruits. I wish we could all fit in the bed but this is the midwest- often 90+ degrees with 80%+ humidity and NO AIR CONDITIONING. And we sleep upstairs. We are usually stuck to each other in a pool of sweat all night long. I guess DH will have to sneak away to another room and leave me to do all the nighttime parenting but this is probably a better option.

[ASusan]

Your IL sounds like my SIL, where we just spent 2 weeks, and will spend another week in July. In Atlanta. With no airconditioning.

I buy food for DS and allow him to eat what he can of SIL's food. This is made somewhat easier by the fact that DS has allergies.

The three of us sleep in a double bed. DH is twice my size. Half the time, he moves to the couch downstairs.

Do your inlaws expect you to bring back ALL THAT STUFF? Do they know that airlines charge by the bag now? I agree with Lohair. Take back a few trinkets that fit in your bags; ship a flat rate box, and ask them to save the rest of the stuff for when you visit in the future or for future grandchildren. Ignore the fact that it is plastic or acrylic or covered in 30-yr-old grime. Focus on the fact that it costs money to move and you already have a lot of what you need.
(I read your initial post thinking MIL was expecting you to use that stuff when you visited her, but that it would stay with her. If that is the case, you/DS can use it for a week.)

[HappiLeigh]

We have similar issues when we visit my in-laws. (My MIL has started putting out stacks of washcloths for me to keep me from reusing her disposable paper towels, and I put out paper towels for her when she visits because I know how uncomfortable she is by all my reusables. )

I'd let the baby use DH's baby things, to the extent possible, during the day. I mean, at night the baby is going to need to sleep with you in the bed and DH is going to have to take a blanket to the floor, because you need sleep, but during the day if you can at least stick him in the playpen with some ancient plastic toys for a minute--the gooshy lovey feelings your MIL is going to get from seeing that is going to help your DS in the long run more than avoiding them would help him. I think sometimes the long-term health of a relationship between a grandchild and his grandparents gets lost in the debate over conflicting ideals, and your MIL (if she's like mine, who also hoarded all of DH's baby stuff) has probably been fantasizing about seeing a grandchild use those things for decades--letting her have some of her fantasy is only going to benefit your DS.

Re: food. I'd suck it up and eat their food yourselves, and pack stuff for your DS. Since he's nursing, he can probably skip dairy for a week (many babies still aren't on dairy at all at that point), but you could pack grains and organic canned fruits and veggies for him, which are not up to your usual standards but would at least be better than what they have on hand.

Good luck! I've been there. It's a dance...

(P.S. Now my DD is old enough that she totally knows what's going on. DD to her Grandma last visit: "Mommy thinks there are yucky chemicals in your food and I'm not supposed to eat it, but she's not around right now so give me some anyway." )

[tzs]

i dunno...when i read your post the first thing i thought was "wow! vintage clothes and toys!!!!!" who knows, you might find something really cool, i know i scour places for that stuff. my parents even plunked down $30 on ebay so dd could have the same fisher price "happy apple" that i did when i was a babe over 30 years ago. it might be plastic, but plastic from back then was way more open-ended and less annoying and gaudy than it is today.

coincidentally enough, just today dd was sporting a bell-bottomed health-tex outfit that i had found mint in a vintage store.

the food situation i don't envy you for, but i think you've gotten some good tips but for the 30 year-old clothes and toys...i'm pretty jealous!

[snoopy5386]

can you order some foods from amazon and have it shipped to their house?