Why do mamas lie to eachother?!

[candelaria80]

We went to visit a friend who has a DS who is 1 month older than DD. We haven't seen them much and mostly keep up with weekly or bi-weekly phone conversations and on our last chat I mentioned that DD had taken her first steps and she came right back with "oh yeah, our 'LO' too, he has been walking for a while now." Okay, cool, I was happy we would have two little toddlers running around on our next visit...fun! Anyway, we get there today and her DS is cute as can be, happy, healthy, vocal, but not walking, not even really close that I could see anyway.

Maybe it was an off day? I don't know, but it made me a little sad, sad for him because she feels like he should be further along, sad for our friendship because she feels like she has to lie about his progress, I just don't get it.

This happens in other situations with other mamas as well. In almost every baby yoga or baby gym class almost EVERY one of their LOs sleep through the night, never cry etc. What is up with that?

Does anyone else experience this?

[Katie T]

I haven't experienced it first hand but have heard other people complain about the same issue. I think some people want their babies to not be the last to do things. For them I guess it matters. Non of my friends are on their first babies and I think that makes them/us more relaxed that there is a wide range of normal. Heck I joked to my cousin who has a little one 4 months younger than my DD2 that I wasn't going to come over because her boy was going to teach my girl to walk lol. My DD2 was 13m when she finally learned to walk and I was totally ok with that as my first walked at 9 months so I had been there done that.

I say to try to let it roll off your back. Maybe she doesn't even realize she is doing it, and also some people call "close to walking" something totally different than what another mom calls close to walking. make sense?

I am with ya that is would be kinda annoying though.

[demottm]

Yep, moms lie. Sometimes to not feel left out, sometimes to avoid judgement. It happens all the time. But it may be her intepretation of the truth. Maybe he started cruising on furniture, that looks like walking...he's just holding onto something. Maybe he really did take a couple of steps or even just one. Usually it takes a while after first steps to really get the walking thing down. I wouldn't worry too much about it.

[Norasmomma]

Yeah my son is cruising, so he walks with assistance. Real full on walking, ummm no, but compared to anyone else I know with a baby, he is walking compared to their LOs.

The STTN thing is such a biggie in the whole western culture of child rearing, the reason those mamas say that is because they are in denial, and many want to act like it's just the normal thing. Reality is the under 5 set don't sleep very well, some do, most don't.

I just don't think much of it, it's normal to me.

[bcblondie]

I agree. I think moms feel it's a reflection of their parenting skills if their child walks late, or cries. Which of course it's not. 50% of all babies walk later than "average"

[candelaria80]

Yeah I suppose I should give her the benefit of the doubt, it has just always been a weird competitive thing with her since we had babes? DH thinks it's because our LO is a girl and theirs is a boy, they have very traditional male/female role ideas.

[Carhootel]

Originally Posted by candelaria80

We went to visit a friend who has a DS who is 1 month older than DD. We haven't seen them much and mostly keep up with weekly or bi-weekly phone conversations and on our last chat I mentioned that DD had taken her first steps and she came right back with "oh yeah, our 'LO' too, he has been walking for a while now." Okay, cool, I was happy we would have two little toddlers running around on our next visit...fun! Anyway, we get there today and her DS is cute as can be, happy, healthy, vocal, but not walking, not even really close that I could see anyway.

Maybe it was an off day? I don't know, but it made me a little sad, sad for him because she feels like he should be further along, sad for our friendship because she feels like she has to lie about his progress, I just don't get it.

This happens in other situations with other mamas as well. In almost every baby yoga or baby gym class almost EVERY one of their LOs sleep through the night, never cry etc. What is up with that?

Does anyone else experience this?

I have definitely experienced that with a lot of moms and one way that I like to 'combat' it is to be a little.... self depricating maybe? Like if someone asks 'oh is your ds STTN?' I'll tell them that he's not (which is true) but maybe even play it up even more, I find that in my honesty and almost complaining that moms can feel like they can commiserate. When ds started walking I downplayed it to some friends and it led us to a conversation about late walkers, how we worry about it, frustrating, etc... instead of feeling the need to 'one up' each other we commiserated with each other. Does that make any sense?

[akind1]

I try to be as honest as I can, but with so many of these things - how much he eats, how often, how much he sleeps - is really dependent I feel on the fact DS is BF and most of the other LO's we are close with are now FF. I think moms lie because they want to give the "right" answer. If she said "no, not even close" to walking, it would be like admiting a failure, even though it's not. It might be a competitive thing, but really I have always thought girls walked earlier than boys

[Ninetales]

I've noticed it too. Of course, now I feel like I have to lie the other way. My daughter does sleep all night and has since she was like a month old. Most people don't believe me.

[candelaria80]

Originally Posted by Carhootel

I have definitely experienced that with a lot of moms and one way that I like to 'combat' it is to be a little.... self depricating maybe? Like if someone asks 'oh is your ds STTN?' I'll tell them that he's not (which is true) but maybe even play it up even more, I find that in my honesty and almost complaining that moms can feel like they can commiserate. When ds started walking I downplayed it to some friends and it led us to a conversation about late walkers, how we worry about it, frustrating, etc... instead of feeling the need to 'one up' each other we commiserated with each other. Does that make any sense?

Yes, total sense. This is me by nature anyway, I think that's why it bothers me so much. I just think it would make life so much more enjoyable, especially for new moms if we were just honest. Ya know?

[mamazee]

When my second babe was just starting to walk, she started taking a couple of steps here and there, and then got into some heavy teething and really just stopped for a bit, and came back to it a little while later. So I wouldn't assume she's lying. It is possible her dc has taken some steps and just isn't moving along quickly. I really try to assume best intentions in people and I like to give people the benefit of the doubt in these kinds of scenarios. If her dc hasn't taken any steps, what difference does it make anyway?

[candelaria80]

Originally Posted by mamazee

When my second babe was just starting to walk, she started taking a couple of steps here and there, and then got into some heavy teething and really just stopped for a bit, and came back to it a little while later. So I wouldn't assume she's lying. It is possible her dc has taken some steps and just isn't moving along quickly. I really try to assume best intentions in people and I like to give people the benefit of the doubt in these kinds of scenarios. If her dc hasn't taken any steps, what difference does it make anyway?

I agree with you, it doesn't make a differnce if he has or hasn't. That's kind of the point. I just think that it creates a culture of people that believe that they are doing something wrong because their babe doesn't STTN or walk by 1, it's a never ending cycle. If I never found MDC I may have always thought that not STTN was a huge issue because everone else's baby is and it may drive me to try sleep training.

[lalemma]

I am totally unsurprised that people lie to each other about this stuff: even on MDC, which you'd think would be full of cool, open-minded parents, I notice a ton of... social pressure and bad feelings.

[Carma]

Originally Posted by mamazee

When my second babe was just starting to walk, she started taking a couple of steps here and there, and then got into some heavy teething and really just stopped for a bit, and came back to it a little while later. So I wouldn't assume she's lying. It is possible her dc has taken some steps and just isn't moving along quickly. I really try to assume best intentions in people and I like to give people the benefit of the doubt in these kinds of scenarios. If her dc hasn't taken any steps, what difference does it make anyway?

Also it would be silly to lie, because you would find out anyway because you also visit each other. I agree that almost everyone lies about STTN and its annoying.
My youngest is 6 weeks and almost everyone asks how she is sleeping for me. She sleeps fine next to me in between the nursings every two hours But I am not telling that because I am afraid of critique about cosleeping with a small baby .

Carma

[candelaria80]

Originally Posted by Carma

Also it would be silly to lie, because you would find out anyway because you also visit each other. I agree that almost everyone lies about STTN and its annoying.
My youngest is 6 weeks and almost everyone asks how she is sleeping for me. She sleeps fine next to me in between the nursings every two hours But I am not telling that because I am afraid of critique about cosleeping with a small baby .

Carma

Yeah, I know. I really think it was something she said and then quickly regretting saying or like I said before, it may have been an off day?

The co-sleeping thing I understand, we get a lot of flack and un-wanted advice on that one too.

[MommatoAandA]

Insecurity.

People lie because they are insecure for whatever reason.