Balancing bodily integrity with really needing hygiene.

[ProtoLawyer]

My 7-year-old stepdaughter has recently taken to saying, "it's my body and nobody can tell me what to do with it" in response to being asked to take a bath/shower/otherwise clean up.

Now, on one hand, I'm glad she is learning about boundaries and privacy and bodily integrity.

On the other hand, some things are non-negotiable (i.e. when she decides to help her dad turn the compost or "accidentally" goes swimming in the stream in the woods), she NEEDS to clean up. It may be her body but it's everyone's floors, furniture, sheets, sense of smell, etc.

We try to give her choices--bath or shower? Company (not in the bath, but sitting in the bathroom with her) or privacy? It can degenerate into a power struggle very quickly.

Any good ideas for balancing this?

[mamazee]

I would say exactly what you said here ("It is your body, but it's everyone's floor, sheets, etc.") and put it back to her. "You don't want a bath, but I need you to be clean enough where you don't get the house dirty. Do you have any ideas as to how we can get you there?" I also sometimes give my dd an "at least" if negotiations stall. As in "at least let me bring out some soap and you can clean up out here to some extent with the hose, and then you can wait to take a proper bath before bed." It seems like when I give her my "at least" option, she will usually find that feeds her sense of autonomy, but I still get what I need.

Anyway, that's what works here with my 8-year-old, so it's one suggestion.

[Rafman'sMama]

Well, I would go with something like explaining that she will get the autonomy to take care of her own body when she does it properly. Just like we brush little kids teeth until they are able to do a good job of it. I would set some goals for her to meet (ie: how often to shower) and then see if she is willing to take responsibility for those goals in exchange for you not pestering her to accomplish them. You could even compromise with lower expectations as long as she is able to meet her goals on her own accord.

I would also make sure she helped clean up any messes that she was responsible for creating. If she has to do her own laundry, she might be more conscious of trying to keep things clean.

She sounds stubborn:-) My little sister has always been like that. Just try telling her she needs to change a habit!!! Good Luck :-)

[meemee]

yup my dd is going thru that now.

whenever that happens i take a step back and see if i am giving her enough autonomy in other areas of life.

and secondly i turn to science. i would tell her my concern. like we did after she used the pool. 'chlorine is extremely drying to the skin. it can also make your vulva or bottom itch.' we went back and forth on this. till i told her i had made a command, not a request. what really helped was not the power play - but the fact that i was concerned what could happen to her body if she didnt rinse out the chlorine.