Grandparents

[Lineymom]

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X-posted in Gentle Disipline, maybe it belongs here better


I have never posted here. I hope this is the right forum. I am a mother of 3. 2 boys 7.5 and just turned 5 and a 7mo girl.

My brother and I were spanked as children. There were a few times I think it definitely came under the rim of child abuse, but it was "socially acceptible" I guess, at least here in the south.

I have a ok, albeit strained relationship with them. We get along, my kids like them etc. They live nearby and I take the kids there often to swim. They take camping trips often to fish and waterski. It is lots of fun and I have good memories of it from my childhood. I like for my kids to get to do it too. DH is so not into it, I have gone some with them, but it is hard to bring the baby in the heat. I was discussing this with my brother (who btw potty-trained my 2yo neice by spanking) He laughingly said that my parents said they would be glad to take the boys to the lake themselves if I'd let them spank them

They have always been not-to-eager to babysit, not that I ever try to get them to, but now I guess I know this is why!!!!! It is so infruriating because I have GREAT kids. They are a little hyper sometimes, but really they are fun, and I think they are fun to my parents, especially my dad. Their agruments and fusses are very few and far between, especially around my family. I have talked with them about how my parents spanked me and that we need to show them how kids don't need spanking to be good etc etc. This just angers me so much. I don't even know what I am trying to get by posting here about it. There is a part of me that is so sad about this because I want my kids to have a good relationship with there grandparents and another part of me that just wants to avoid them/ get DH to transfer far away, lol. I think how can my kids have a good relationship with them, if I can't. It is like the "disiplinarian" can never be the friend, you know.

I guess I am wondering if anyone can relate or what would you do?

[Caneel]

I can relate to your upbringing. My mom was a hitter until my dad put a stop to it when I was 14 or 15 yo. It was the cultural norm at that time and place.

A few things jump out at me -

Originally Posted by Lineymom

I have a ok, albeit strained relationship with them. We get along, my kids like them etc. They live nearby and I take the kids there often to swim. They take camping trips often to fish and waterski. It is lots of fun and I have good memories of it from my childhood. I like for my kids to get to do it too. DH is so not into it, I have gone some with them, but it is hard to bring the baby in the heat. I was discussing this with my brother (who btw potty-trained my 2yo neice by spanking) He laughingly said that my parents said they would be glad to take the boys to the lake themselves if I'd let them spank them

They have always been not-to-eager to babysit, not that I ever try to get them to, but now I guess I know this is why!!!!! It is so infruriating because I have GREAT kids. They are a little hyper sometimes, but really they are fun, and I think they are fun to my parents, especially my dad. Their agruments and fusses are very few and far between, especially around my family. I have talked with them about how my parents spanked me and that we need to show them how kids don't need spanking to be good etc etc. This just angers me so much. I don't even know what I am trying to get by posting here about it. There is a part of me that is so sad about this because I want my kids to have a good relationship with there grandparents and another part of me that just wants to avoid them/ get DH to transfer far away, lol. I think how can my kids have a good relationship with them, if I can't. It is like the "disiplinarian" can never be the friend, you know.

I guess I am wondering if anyone can relate or what would you do?

I think this is a case of when people show you who they are, believe them.

That is not to say you can't have a relationship with them but I think you know that there is a limit to how close it will be. Maybe the boat, fishing, etc. as a group is all fine and dandy but I certainly would not leave the kids alone with brother or grandparents. The type that are thinking about opportunities to spank or believing it is a foregone conclusion sicken me.

Have you talked to your parents about the spanking and your concerns?

Why is it important for your parents to have your kids alone at the lake? Is it that you don't want to go along yet still want them to have the experience?

Why isn't your DH into the activities (camping and such) you describe? Is it just not his cup of tea or doesn't he have issues with your parents? If it is issues with your parents, I think that deserves some examination.

(I'll share that I completely trust my mom to never spank or hit because of her remorse. She has apologized so many times for her actions and the conversations were on the level of where she could really share with me where her head was at during that phase of her life and how she now knows it was wrong, betrayal of trust and so on. All this happened years before DS was born. Had she not been able to recognize the error of her ways, DS would never spend time alone with her.)

Good luck.

[JollyGG]

We are in a somewhat similar situation. I have had to be very clear with my parents that they aren't allowed to spank, swat, smack, etc. my kids.

When we have issues with it I just feel sorry for them. My mother, at least, just doesn't have any other way to deal with poor behavior. I just feel bad for her that her parenting toolbox isn't very well stocked.

So I just try to give them alternatives. Often they feel like little Johnny isn't listening and they just don't know how to make him listen. When they were raising kids spanking was their only fallback disciplinary tactic.

So I've found that telling my parents what I do suggest for discipline helps a lot. I talk to them about speaking clearly to the kids (My mom uses alot of passive phrasing that leaves my kids unsure of what she's asking. She does things such as phrasing something as a request when it's not really optional). I ask them to make sure they actually have the kids attention before telling them to do something. I let them know what sort of consequences I do find acceptable for them to use.

Things go alot better if I stock their toolbox. It also keeps me less angry when I instead focus on how sad it is that their toolbox is so poorly stocked in the first place.

[Lineymom]

I do trust them not to spank them because I think they realize that we would definitely not have a relationship anymore. I have never really had a conversation about it with them, but they are aware that it would not be allowed. I am so not good with conflict face to face with them to this day.

It is not important for my parents to have the kids alone at the lake. Ideally, it would be important to me. I have gone with them, which of course means taking the 7mo which is really not fun for her or me. It is very hot, long drive etc, not get for babies. So I basically have to go along as the "disiplinarian" because my parents don't think kids can be good/behaved w/o the threat of a spanking. Of course all this is unspoken between them and me. They love to talk behind my back, though, among theirselves and my brother.

As far as DH, both. He is not much into swimming etc, plus definitely doesn't like the ILs for numerous reasons... I'd just as rather him save his vacation time for other thing to do with us as only our little family anyway.

[Tjej]

Is it possible that what your brother said about your parents isn't really true? That he is just guessing this on his own? I guess I can see someone who potty trains their 2yo by spanking just thinking it themself and superimposing the thought onto others who they know are somewhat likeminded (but who may not necessarily be as likeminded as your brother thinks).

Anyway, just to say that maybe your parents don't offer to take two young boys to a lake because the idea overwhelms them. Water safety is pretty intense. It could be totally free of spank issues.

Tjej