I'm struggling.

[Beauchamp]

DD just turned 1yo. She's very attached (I also call this "clingy" when I am in a mood.) We just moved to a new state. I have no family or friends nearby. We have one car, which DH takes to work. We are in a temporary apartment with just a few of our things. This apartment has a roach problem since it's on the ground floor. So I am constantly on the alert for roaches because today DD picked one up, got upset, and cried. Next week DH is gone on business all week, out of state. Our complex is not walkable to anything except a VERY busy road. It's in the high 90's with an even hotter heat index, of near record temps this week. So I could take DD out in the stroller, but for what? To walk around an apartment complex in 100* heat/sun.

My back and neck are sore. I spend all day in my pajamas because it's just easier that way. I am constantly thirsty and never really can sit down to eat or drink water except when DD is napping, which today wasn't until 2:15pm. She clings to my legs and hugs me, cries when I walk away. She needs me a lot right now, probably because of the move and subsequent craziness.

When she naps, I sit down with as much food as I can get because I am starved. I goob out on the computer and eat my lunch and drink water. Then she wakes up and we start again until DH is home around 5-6pm.

I've been doing this constant-constant-CONSTANT mama gig for over a year now, and I am struggling. DH and others tell me to get out more. See friends. Go places with DD. But is it just me, or are those suggestions overwhelming and not really helpful? HOW can I get out more? I can barely keep up as it is! HOW can I make new friends? I have no time for them. DD hates her car seat. And BTW, I have NO CAR!

I have a MFA degree. DH tells me I should write while DD is napping. Um, yeah. I can barely THINK while DD is napping. Plus I am too busy doing laundry, putting the endless piles of stuff away, etc, which I need to do, because DH doesn't, and otherwise our world would not work, and DH would never have clean underwear.

I think if someone met me they'd think I was a huge mess. I'm feeling like a failure because I don't have it all together. I don't even have a fraction of it together.

[mamazee]

Wow! I got hot and tired just reading that!

You certainly aren't a failure. You're just dealing with a tough situation. How temporary is the apartment? Do you have A/C there? Do you have any friends or family nearby to help you or bail you out?

Also, I'm worried about the water issue. Maybe a bottle of water with a top you can screw on that you can tote around with you? You really need to stay hydrated.

Mainly, I'm afraid I can just offer hugs, but please don't feel like a failure, and don't feel like you should be doing anything during your dd's naps other than eat, relax, drink some water, and maybe even nap yourself.

[Dukey25]

It is very hard with a child that won't let you do anything. Somethings that have helped me when I had a very needy child was talk radio (stuff I like not stuff where they yell at everyone) or books on tape. I could tend to my child but my mind was elsewhere. It may sound bad but it helped my sanity. I promise this will end with time. Try to do whatever you can to keep yourself sane maybe get fun bath stuff and sit in a tub with DD it will keep you cool and she may have fun.

[CT Mommy]

I have been in your shoes. I moved 2x, once w/a 9 month old and again w/a 3 mos, 2.5 and 4 yo. It is REALLY hard, not knowing anyone. Not having anywhere to go. And, having no support. And, not having any friends nearby.

I posted a similar post here when I was having a very low day and felt particularly vulnerable. Getting out of bed seemed to be too much for me to handle, let alone preparing breakfast for 3 little kids. The ladies here reminded me that I did have a community of people, right here on mothering.com and urged me to post in my tribal area. Well, let me tell you, women came out of the woodwork trying to help and support me. I had offers to come over and clean my bathroom, watch my kids while I took a bath or even swing by and take me to the mall!! It really was unbelievable.

What I've learned, is that you really cannot do this alone. A baby, a new place and a husband who travels is a recipe for disaster w/out support. Please do post in your tribal areas and meet some of the greatest people you will every come across. I promise tomorrow will be better.

[BreakfastyMichele]

Several things are going on here, and you should look at them one at a time.

Since you're renting, contact the leasing agency and demand that they send an exterminator to deal with the pest problem. There's no way a one-year old should have to deal with that; it's a health issue.

Second, consider driving your DH to work in the morning a few times a week. You need to get out of your pajamas and out of the house. Drop him off an explore your new neighborhood. Find playgrounds, visit the library and do some of your family errands.

Start showering and getting dressed every single day. You'll be amazed at how this improves your mood and your self-worth. (I know it's difficult to shower with a toddler. You can do it quickly. I used to close all the hallway doors, gate the bathroom door and the end of the hallway and let my daughter play in the hall with some toys while I showered. I was very efficient, and if she needed me she'd come to the bathroom door. I even tied the shower curtain in a knot so she could see me through the clear liner. It worked like a dream.) Other moms told me that this was the one thing that improved their moods, so I was sure to shower every single day.

Buy easy snacks, and keep them within arms' reach. Bottle some water, have plenty of fruit and other healthy stuff you can eat with your daughter on your hip. When she eats, take your time feeding both of you simultaneously. You need to keep yourself healthy and well fed, too.

CT Mommy is right: post in your tribe, and you will find other like-minded mamas. If that doesn't work, find your chapter at Attachment Parenting International, and introduce yourself.

Or find the local La Leche League meeting, and go.

Go to meetup.com and find a group or two, and go meet other mamas.

Getting out of the house is crucial to your mental health, and critical for your daughter's growth and well being. Yes, walks are nice, but you need more people in your life.

Long-term, if you're going to be in an isolated area, you need to look into buying a second car, driving your DH to work every day, or getting a bike with a child trailer. Staying home with your child(ren) is fabulous, but not if all you do is stay HOME. You both will feel better when you get out and live.

All that to say, I've been there. When I started staying home, I had not one friend who was available during the day, and we're a full hour from where I used to live (i.e. everything familiar.) I joined a meetup group, went to LLL meetings, joined a group specifically for people new to the area/new to being SAHM, and I signed my daughter up for classes: story time at the library, animal education at the zoo. (Many of these are free.) I tried *everything*, and eventually I found the things that make both of us happy, and that's how we're living now.

Leave the writing until you're in a better headspace, and remind your DH that you already have a job right now, and your job is draining all your creative juices. You will get back to writing one day, I promise. And, while we're talking about dealing with your DH, ask him to please take one vacation day so YOU can take a vacation day. Take the car, and do something to reacquaint yourself with your own passions. Yes, being at home is a constant hum of needs and demands. You need a break too, and your husband should help provide that for you. (I just did this for the first time in March, and it made a huge difference to me. By 2 p.m., I was pining for my girl, but I trekked through my plans. I came back feeling refreshed, and my daughter loved spending the whole day with her daddy. Everyone won.)

I wish you the best of luck. Keep us posted.

(((Hugs))) in the mean time.

[Beauchamp]

Originally Posted by mamazee

How temporary is the apartment? Do you have A/C there? Do you have any friends or family nearby to help you or bail you out?

Thanks for the hugs. Yes, we do have AC. So I just stay inside. It's like a steam room out right now. Our closest family is my MIL (ugh) who is 4 1/2 hours away by car without the baby, about 7 hours with the baby She's not really someone I want to call in a time of need, IYKWIM. No one else, unfortunately.

We're in this apt until we close on a townhouse, hopefully just until the end of the month. Maybe a week or two more, since our new place needs some work to make it clean for DD. (the flooring is gross and the carpet is very stained and 10 years old, so we are planning to redo this before we move in, or at least steam clean it just to get in the place and out of here.)

Originally Posted by Dukey25

Somethings that have helped me when I had a very needy child was talk radio (stuff I like not stuff where they yell at everyone) or books on tape. I could tend to my child but my mind was elsewhere. It may sound bad but it helped my sanity.

Today I turned the TV on and had a few mindless shows on in the background. I usually don't have the TV on around DD, but I just needed some voices, and some frivolous talk.

Originally Posted by CT Mommy

The ladies here reminded me that I did have a community of people, right here on mothering.com and urged me to post in my tribal area.

Well, I have done this. I think two responded. None of us has made the leap to actually say 'let's get together'. Well, I suggested it, but no one really said okay. I *am* a bit of a thread-killer, though, so maybe it's just my luck.

Originally Posted by BreakfastyMichele

Since you're renting, contact the leasing agency and demand that they send an exterminator to deal with the pest problem. There's no way a one-year old should have to deal with that; it's a health issue.

Second, consider driving your DH to work in the morning a few times a week.

Start showering and getting dressed every single day.

Or find the local La Leche League meeting, and go.

Yes, walks are nice, but you need more people in your life.

Long-term, if you're going to be in an isolated area, you need to look into buying a second car,

Leave the writing until you're in a better headspace, and remind your DH that you already have a job right now, and your job is draining all your creative juices. You will get back to writing one day, I promise. And, while we're talking about dealing with your DH, ask him to please take one vacation day so YOU can take a vacation day. Take the car, and do something to reacquaint yourself with your own passions. Yes, being at home is a constant hum of needs and demands. You need a break too, and your husband should help provide that for you.

We are contacting the office tomorrow. I am concerned about spraying for bugs inside, though. DD still picks everything up and eats it. And touches the floor/baseboards a lot. The office woman tried to tell me the chemicals were safe, but...I don't know. At least they can spray the outside, though. And hopefully inside the locked AC closet, which is leaking. (this place is a real dump that looks nice on the surface.)

Unfortunately, I can't drive DH to work. He works on a military post and inside a secure facility. But we are looking into getting a second car, hopefully very soon.

I do shower every day. It helps me feel human again. But I usually do it once DH is home from work. I like going to bed clean, after a day of playing on the floor in here.

I totally want to find LLL! Thank you for reminding me! I meant to go at home, and then we were moving, so I never went. I know I need more than walks. It's hard for me to meet new people. I need to try, though, because I really feel like certain things with me are falling apart. I don't feel anything like the person I used to be. And partly, that's normal because I have DD now, but I feel like some central parts of myself are missing, or on hold, or getting pushed aside constantly due to the demands of others.

Mostly I feel like my DH doesn't see me. He just doesn't seem to understand what I am feeling. Or if he does, he doesn't talk about it to me. He just says "I know, I know" when I talk to him. But he *doesn't* know, because his world is completely different from mine, so it irks me when he says he knows how hard it is for me right now. He goes to work, interacts with people, flexes his brain, eats long lunches out with colleagues...

He thinks telling me to write is like a reminder, that I simply forgot that I used to write. When really, it's like adding another hundred pounds to the weight on my back.

Tonight he said, "You're upset babe. I need to buy you something."

***sigh***

[love4bob]

*HUGS* Are you a military family? Every time we have moved it has been hard for us. The first thing I always do though is look for a playgroup. Meetup.com has always had something, and also Facebook is a good place to find playgroups.

I would get the house sprayed for the roaches. That would freak. me. out.! It should be safe after it dries. We had a BAD flea problem at our old house, and the only thing that got rid of them was extreme extermination. We tried all the natural remedies, but only the chemicals worked. After it dries and airs out it is safe enough.

I'd also look in to getting a second car if at all possible. I know life would be hell if I didn't have my own car. My kids get CRAZY if we are at home for too long. They need to get out of the house!
Does your husband work with anyone that he could carpool with?

If I lived there I would come pick you up for a play date!!!

[love4bob]

Originally Posted by Beauchamp

I totally want to find LLL! Thank you for reminding me! I meant to go at home, and then we were moving, so I never went. I know I need more than walks. It's hard for me to meet new people. I need to try, though, because I really feel like certain things with me are falling apart. I don't feel anything like the person I used to be. And partly, that's normal because I have DD now, but I feel like some central parts of myself are missing, or on hold, or getting pushed aside constantly due to the demands of others.

Mostly I feel like my DH doesn't see me. He just doesn't seem to understand what I am feeling. Or if he does, he doesn't talk about it to me. He just says "I know, I know" when I talk to him. But he *doesn't* know, because his world is completely different from mine, so it irks me when he says he knows how hard it is for me right now. He goes to work, interacts with people, flexes his brain, eats long lunches out with colleagues...

This is exactly how I can start to feel too. I make a point now to get out of the house and find friends. My DH doesn't get it either! I never get a break or real adult time. It's like, any free time I may have, I have to spend it doing laundry, or dishes, or picking up toys, cleaning. I have no time for me any more. I have a feeling it's going to get worse now that DH is deploying soon too.

Sorry for the thread jack!

[Beauchamp]

Originally Posted by love4bob

*HUGS* Are you a military family?

If I lived there I would come pick you up for a play date!!!

We were both active duty, but are out now. DH works for a company that supports a military contract. But we basically have been PCS'ing essentially, for many, many, MANY years now. Sigh.

In the Army, friends are right there, the people in your unit. Outside of the Army, it's totally different. Much harder.

[love4bob]

Originally Posted by Beauchamp

We were both active duty, but are out now. DH works for a company that supports a military contract. But we basically have been PCS'ing essentially, for many, many, MANY years now. Sigh.

In the Army, friends are right there, the people in your unit. Outside of the Army, it's totally different. Much harder.

Ya, DH always makes friends quickly in his unit. I have to search them out, but since there are many young army wives and moms like me, it isn't too hard. I am nervous about getting out and moving to a new place where I know no one. It will be hard I'm sure!

[happysmileylady]

Does your apartment complex have a pool? If it does and it's clean I highly recommend taking your little one to the pool. This will get you out of the house, away from the bugs. It will get you among other people, likely other moms. And it will get your dd into new surroundings to take her attention off you.

I suspect that part the reason that your dd is all over you all the time (aside from normal one year old mommy fever) is the very same reason that you posted here. I bet she's going as stir crazy as you are, with the same toys, same routine, same person day in and day out. I know you said that you are frustrated with people telling you to get out, but really being stuck in all the time is HARD.

My second suggestion is a car. I know you said hopefully soon, but really, try to make it your first priority. Even before getting the townhouse and cleaning it up...because if you don't have a car when you move into the townhouse, you still have the same problem, minus the bugs. Not having a vehicle or access to any sort of transportation to get anywhere leaves me with a sense of feeling trapped. Even if I don't want to go anywhere, if I don't have a means to get somewhere, I feel hemmed in and trapped. I even maintain a "spare" car, much like everyone maintains a spare tire, just so that if something goes wrong with the car, I have something to replace it while it's being repaired. When you manage to get online while your little one is napping, or after she's in bed, scour craigslist and auto trader and anything else for even just a $1000 beater. Just something to get you out and about. You don't even have to go somewhere every day, but even just taking your little one to the grocery store can be liberating when you are feeling like a shut in.

[mtbmomma]

How is the public transportation in the area? We have lived without a car for the past 4 years, so I can relate. I could not get by with out our bike and child bike seat.
As far as meeting people, I would look into story time at the public library or a children's museum, if there is one in the area. Is there a YMCA or other gym in your area. If you are open to using the childcare there for an hour, then that might be a great way for you to both get a little change in scenery. You can also bring your dd swimming in the pool, and you may meet some other moms that way as well.
We just moved to a new state, our fifth move in the past 4 years, and I am in the same situation. Fortunately I know we will be here for atleast 2 years while my husbands completes his grad degree. Good luck, I'm sure things will get better once you are in your new house. Having come from HI, I strongly suggest buying some roach bait traps and sticking them on top and behind the fridge, plus in other locations your lo won't get to. They really do help to get rid of them, though the dying ones will crawl out into the middle of the floor.

[DecemberSun]

"I don't feel anything like the person I used to be. And partly, that's normal because I have DD now, but I feel like some central parts of myself are missing, or on hold, or getting pushed aside constantly due to the demands of others."



This too shall pass. I know that offers little solace now, but someday you'll look back on this time and realize you are a stronger person for making it through! Just like childbirth, you'll look back and say "Ah, that wasn't so bad!" Everyone offered great suggestions, and I hope you find some that work for you. Hang in there!

[CherryBomb]

I've been a SAHM for the majority of my (nearly) 9 years as a mom, and I can say without a doubt that it was the hardest when I had only one child that was small. Dd1 and dd2 were 4 years apart and the first 3 years especially were just really hard. It's hard being the sole entertainment for a toddler. It's hard when they're that small and there's really not a lot you can do outside the house with them. It's hard because little ones tend to be really attached and so they're on you all day and you have no time or energy to get anything done. It's just really, really hard.

I've got 3 now (and a 4th on the way) and I laugh when people say how hard it must be! No! Those first few years with just one, THOSE were the hard years (though I bet having multiple children under 3 or 4 is probably pretty similar). Now they entertain each other and we're always on the go with different activities. I'm involved in a lot of stuff (even though it technically centers around the kids, like LLL and our homeschool group) so I feel like I get a lot of adult time.

I hear you on dh not getting it. That caused a lot of frustration for me. He didn't get that to me, getting to go to work would be a break! All those adults to talk to, getting to eat and go to the bathroom by yourself!

I think finding some outside support is crucial, LLL play group or MOPS or whatever. Getting out with other moms who get it is really important, imo.

[Beauchamp]

Originally Posted by CherryBomb

It's hard being the sole entertainment for a toddler. It's hard when they're that small and there's really not a lot you can do outside the house with them. It's hard because little ones tend to be really attached and so they're on you all day and you have no time or energy to get anything done. It's just really, really hard.

YES! Well said.

Thank you Mamas for your support. I so love this board. I think I'd have gone crazy long since if I didn't have my MDC.

Things are looking up, at least in a few small ways. I have the LLL meeting on my calendar. I am going to recon the library sometime soon to make sure I know where to go. We also got a very good deal on a second vehicle (a blue Prius, which is doubling as my anniversary gift from DH, even though he is driving it right now, LOL) and so DD and I went to the grocery store this morning, and when we came home she nursed right to sleep.

We've also been working on (slowly) DH and I sitting in the front seat together when we drive. DD has always needed one of us in the back with her, but she seems to be more mellow sometimes now and just looks out the window or "reads" a book when she is alone back there, less crying sometimes. So that is NICE. Sometimes we still need to sit back there and entertain her, and sometimes she still screams, but it's getting better.

I walked her in the stroller around our apartment complex the past two days, and I seriously kept repeating to myself what a PP said-- walks are nice, but I need support, real people, etc. I really hope LL works out.

I saw a mama going into the store wearing an Ergo, so that made me feel encouraged that meeting people will not be horrible. (Not a lot of crunchy mamas in my previous town.) I am so bad at meeting new people. I always thought I was so outgoing, but I really keep to myself and have a hard time making new friends. That's the hardest part.


p.s. one thing that is NOT good is that DH wants to go back into the military, Guard or Reserves, etc. I keep telling him he will get deployed. But he says it will make me think of him as a man and respect him again, plus the retirement check down the line. Sigh.

[Pookietooth]

I recall when ds was around a year, and again when he was around 2, he started nursing less and my hormones went wild. It was quite mood altering. Make sure you're getting enough healthy stuff to eat -- whenever your dd eats, you eat (and involve her in food preparation as much as possible, such as allowing her to wash the fruits and veggies in a bowl of water, etc.).
Can you drive your dh to the edge of the military place and let him walk the rest of the way, or is that not allowed? Don't they have some sort of bus or something?
Why do you think he thinks you'd think of him as a man if he was in the military?

[happyhats]

I can relate to a lot of what you're saying, OP. We too are a one car family, and things are really tense while hubby is now gone at work or school eighty hours a week. I'm pregnant and emotionally fragile (this pregnancy hasn't been bad physically but has been emotionally draining), and my dd is becoming a very moody, needy toddler. I think she's upset about being at home all the time and daddy being gone all the time as well. I need to make a point of going out with friends a couple days a week, even just going to their house or something to socialize. But honestly, I just have no interest or motivation. I'm exhausted from the constant needs and whining from my dd. I'm constantly picking up the same messes over and over. When hubby does come home all he wants to do is sleep, and the bit of free time he has he's either cramming in homework or wanting to hang out with buddies, etc so there's still very little family time. I'm just fried. I'm going to take some of these tips to heart-start taking some more walks, start getting in the shower, etc. and go from there.

[Beauchamp]

Originally Posted by Pookietooth

whenever your dd eats, you eat (and involve her in food preparation as much as possible, such as allowing her to wash the fruits and veggies in a bowl of water, etc.).

Can you drive your dh to the edge of the military place and let him walk the rest of the way, or is that not allowed? Don't they have some sort of bus or something?

Why do you think he thinks you'd think of him as a man if he was in the military?

My DD wouldn't understand the first thing about washing veggies in a bowl of water. It would become a splash session, for sure!

No, DH works on a closed compound. No carpools, no buses, not walkable. But we have another car now, so that is very helpful.

As far as the military question, I have no idea. Maybe because he is so busy now with his job, and he has so little time for me and DD. He is always tired. Honestly, he probably remembers what the beginning years of our relationship was like. We were both active duty, and we met in the Army. And that's when we were happiest, probably because we were both busy with complex, satisfying jobs, and our relationship was new and exciting.