running away from mommy in public places

[nanamar]

My daughter is 3yo and several times had wandered away while at stores, parks and she did it last at the museum. Sometimes she thinks its funny to have mommy look for her, and sometimes she just gets too excited to think. I have talked to her several times and explained how dangerous and things that can happen to her. Obviously, she doesnt get, she is 3. The other day while at the store she escaped to another aisle and I decided to play mommy is gone to see what happened. My question is, is that mean??? She got scared and looked for me, she almost cried but I got her first. This is an obvious natural consequence but I don't want it to be traumatic for her, I just want her to know she needs to stay by me at all times. She doesnt do it on the street though, she is very adamant of me holding her hand while we cross and such.
What else can I do?

[MusicianDad]

If you are open to the idea, you can get a harness. They have some cute ones now that are animal backpacks and the parent can hold onto the tail. This would give you a chance to keep your DD safe and close while teaching her to stay close to you.

Personally I don't like the "I'm going/gone" game that some parents play. I guess because I do remember the terror of not being able to find a parent while out and about and I can't see how creating that purposely would have any benefit to the child.

[love4bob]

I had to break down and buy a harness for DD2. I nearly lost her at the beach a couple of weeks ago because she just ran off when I was taking care of the baby! She loves the water and would try to run out to the waves. She loves lay down and let the waves go over her. So, I was terrified!! Luckily she was the opposite direction and had ran towards land, but I was terrified. We left after that. I couldn't handle it anymore. She is only 20 months though, and she is all over the place! She doesn't quite get it when I say to stay with me though. She won't listen and doesn't understand threats of going to the corner yet. My 3 year old hates the corner, so she will listen usually as soon as I threaten that.

[RoViMama]

I would do the mommy gone thing-as long as you have her in your site/hearing. When she comes to find you, say "Oh I'm so glad you came to find me. I was worried that you were missing." For you to go find her, then she doesn't get the point. Emphasize the "it is scary when you can't see mommy" part.

You can say you hold my hand or the cart-or I have to hold you or go in the stroller -my 4 yr old would hate those.

Start in the cart-in the store.

Have her hold something for you-give her a job. I need you to carry the diaper bag.

She is three-she should stay by you-with reminders. Praise her when she is staying by you. Let her know how proud you are that she is keeping herself safe and you guys are able to have a good time. Encourage her a set a good example for her sister-"I need you to help sister learn how to stay by mommy."

[coffeegirl]

Originally Posted by MusicianDad

Personally I don't like the "I'm going/gone" game that some parents play. I guess because I do remember the terror of not being able to find a parent while out and about and I can't see how creating that purposely would have any benefit to the child.

Additionally, it's kind of deceptive/manipulative...I mean, you're not really going to leave without the kid, and the kid will know that. And this in turn I think can possibly make it a less serious thing to the kid if the kid and parent really do get seperated. I'm afraid they'll just think, "oh mommy's just playing!" you know?

Personally, if I were in the OP's shoes I think I'd either go with the harness (big fan here) or have very clear rules about staying by my side, and very consistent, negative consequences when the rule is broken. This is a safety issue and I'm just not interested in messing around and trying out different "gentle" mind games with my child when it comes to safety issues.

[Knitting Mama]

I don't see a problem with the backpack harness at all, as long as you are also doing your usual techniques for discipline/teaching new ideas. I think the harnesses can fall into the same category as any other tool and can allow laziness on the part of the parent if they aren't vigilant about continuing to teach their children.

[lerlerler]

My children know that they either hold the cart/hand or they get in the cart. No exceptions... fussing? we leave (if it's somewhere they like)...

We've had PB&J for dinner "sorry Dad, we couldn't finish our shopping... DD wouldn't stick close"

[sgmom]

I started a thread a few weeks ago with a similar problem, although my daughter is only 21 months old. I think I'm sort of in the middle of a lot of the PP'ers. I don't believe in offering consequences like leaving the mall if they don't behave (or making the threat to do so). We're here to shop, so shopping WILL get done, regardless of their behavior. Unless of course my child is hungry or tired, in which case it's off to the food court we go for a snack, or I finish up quickly then it's home for a nap.

I strongly dislike the idea of using a leash, but sometimes it's necessary (like if you're at a fair (ie. LOTS and LOTS of people) and your child wants to walk around and explore), or if you're out for a walk on a busy street (traffic). Although just as much as I dislike the use of leashes though, I feel even stronger about the use (or overuse) of strollers. There's not much that bothers me more to see older toddlers confined to strollers (ditto for sippy cups, soothers, etc). Unless you're going to be in a situation where your child may get tired and need to rest, I'm a firm believer that children should walk when able to. We almost never take the stroller, and when we do it usually ends up staying in the car.

I can't stand the backpack leashes (personal preference), but there are some really nice ones (either a harness, or one that velcro's to the wrist) that you can easily toss into your diaper bag. Even if you never use it (I've found myself in such a position several times).

As for malls, I usually just take one of the shopping carts and push it around. With all the stuff you buy, jackets, the diaper bag (if you use one), it's just SO much easier to toss it all in a shopping cart than to struggle with the stroller AND having to carry all that stuff. And we also have the option of putting our child in the cart or letting her wander. I usually let her wander around first to get it out of her system before starting my shopping.

I also dislike the threat of "Bye! I'm leaving, but you can stay here" when they wander away from you, but if they do run off, I really like the PP'ers suggestion to allow them to find YOU, rather than you go to get them (followed by the "It's scary when you can't see mommy" talk). And if they have a younger sibling, asking them to help teach the sibling to stay close is also an awesome technique. Not only does it give the child something to do, but it gives them a responsibility that most kids LOVE.

But like I said, I have the same problem... so I'm subbing for ideas as well.

[spmamma]

DD is 3 and is just now getting to the point where she's less likely to take off when we're out and about. Even so, she still takes off running sometimes so we're very cautious. Here's what we do:

• Double stroller for infrequent trips to the mall (once or twice a year). She can get out and walk around in her favorite store with me watching her and DH pushing DS in the stroller.
• She rides in the cart at the grocery store - no exceptions. I wear DS in the mei tai. The last time I let her walk next to me she took off running. I was 8 months pregnant and almost tripped face-first in the aisle when chasing her down. I'm not interested in risking that with a babe in arms or in the sling.
• Holds hands in the parking lot - no exceptions. She gets carried if she's not interested in holding hands. Often, I'll park the car next to one of those cart return corrals so I can simply pull the cart up to the side of the car and load her in.
• Allow her to walk next to us, but she knows she will have to hold hands if she takes off running.

I know she doesn't get a ton of freedom yet, but it's the only way we can keep her safe.

[BetsyS]

My oldest was a runner, and the year between 2 and 3 was the worst, though it started around 12 months old (he was walking around 10 months old).

I just gave him absolutely. no. freedom in public. None at all. He was either in a stroller (I have another child 23 months younger, and I ended up with a double stroller because of this), in the grocery buggy, or on my hip all. the. time in public. I just couldn't risk it, especially because, like a PP, I was either slow because I was pregnant or with a newborn for most of the time between 18-36 months.

One memorable day, he darted from our front porch (where we were watering flowers) down the street, and he made it down 2 blocks before my (large, pregnant) self could catch him. After that, if we were outside, he was holding my hand. My dh likes to garden, and for a while, if my oldest was "helping", he was tied to dh's belt loop with a length of twine.

Sounds awful, but we just couldn't risk his safety.

Close to three, he started wanting more freedom, and he was able to understand cause/effect a lot better. We started off with "stay with me" in the yard. After that went well, we took walking trips down our (lightly traveled, short, dead end) sidewalk in our neighborhood. After that went well, we progressed to more public spots. The first few tim es in the grocery store where he was "free", I had another adult with me, just in case I needed to catch him. And, in public, if he darted one single time, he was contained again until the next trip. Sorry, buddy, you tried, but you are just not ready to be free.

And, honestly? That year we just stayed home a lot.

A little after three, something clicked, and now, he rarely runs away (he's almost 4). But, it was a very stressful time for me. (()) to you!

[sgmom]

I became pregnant with our second child when our first was 11 months old. My second pregnancy was a nightmare (and my first child is VERY high needs), so I certainly can relate.

OP: What are your thoughts on child leashes/harness'? Personally, I believe that children must do to learn (they don't learn to stay close by sitting in a stroller), and the need to explore MUST be met in order to prevent future problems. Like I said in my previous post, I hate the idea of using a leash, but strollers bother me even more.

We're going for a walk later this afternoon, and I'm debating buying one before we go to allow her the freedom of exploring, and still keep her safe.

[Letitia]

I too have hated seeing my kids in the stroller since they were old enough to physically be doing the walking, but I'd definitely rather have that than not have a physical way to control the running away. When it comes down to it, more than any other thing at all in this situation, I do not want one of my kids hurt.

DD is 3, DS just turned 2. DD can be reasoned with, DS not so much but he's getting there. DD used to run impulsively, now runs off only occasionally when she really wants something (like to see what's up ahead on the path) and just decides to disagree with me. DS isn't as active a kid, he often jogs off slowly while looking back grinning and giggling, but he just doesn't stop. I rarely take them both shopping - one of us goes at night when the other's home for our big trips - but I do like to take them individually on errands so they can learn store behavior. I find that pretty easy since it's so different keeping an eye on 1 than 2, and we're talking the whole time about things we see. I want them to learn in-store behavior and its so much better 1:1. So our problems have mostly been outside.

Over the past year, I have spent a lot of time, usually walks to the park and playground, pushing an empty stroller while the kids walk, play and explore. If someone ran and wouldn't listen, and I had a safety concern, into the stroller she/he went. DD has improved tremendously.

I don't have a leash, but when I see them I don't have the negative reaction I used to have back before I had kids. They make sense to me now, and if I could go back to the beginning with the experience I have now, I might get one.

[FurElise19]

Just an adult perspective... but I don't yet have kids and I'll probably re-evaluate this stance soon...

When I was a child, I wandered away and my parents let me. They would follow me around watching me cry, "lost" until I spazzed completely, which is when the swooped in and saved the day, laughing and saying "I told you so."

To this day, as an adult, I can't stand for DH to leave me alone in a store. I know it's neurotic, but I'll please beg everyone to never do this to your kids.