My 4yr old is getting short changed

[omelette]

by me and it is breaking my heart.
I have a 4yr old and an 8mos old. My 8 mos old is pretty high needs. He is in my arms/carrier most of the day. I can get him to nap on his own for about 20 minutes a couple of times a day. He's just starting to stand so is needing some spotting right now when he's on the floor. He's also one who finds everything that is not baby safe/proof so I need to have an eye on him all the time. He will not use any contraptions. I have a playpen but he's only in there when I need to pee, change laundry and on occasion ds1 will go in there with him and play which lasts about 10 minutes.
I am having an impossible time balancing baby and my 4yr old. I can't find any free time to play with him during the day. We try when babe is awake but whatever we do - game, puzzle, craft, read - he gets into and ds1 gets frustrated. We go outside to kick the ball and babe is crying away or fussing and not happy. Ds1 said "Mom, you don't play with me anymore" the other day and I almost started to cry. I try to come up with activities that we can do with babe in the carrier or crawling on the floor but it seems like everything I try doesn't work out. Even out of the house activities are hard. We went to the aquarium today and the little one screamed in the carrier almost the whole time, not so fun for ds1.
I feel like I've posted lots looking for help these days and once again I'm looking for suggestions to make this work better for us. Every night I lie in bed feeling so bad for ds1 and trying to figure out a plan.
2 things we're going to try - Dh and I are starting to alternate bedtime routine so I will put ds1 to bed every other night - it was always dh and ds1's routine b/c dh doesn't see him all day but I need to have that time too I think. And on the weekends we're going to start setting up date time so dh has the babe and ds1 and I can do something together, either play at home or go out on an adventure just the 2 of us. I'm so looking forward to it this weekend.
Wow, this ended up being long. Any suggestions for during the week when I'm on my own with the boys?

[titania8]

Don't you just love 20 min naps???

What about cooking together? Throw baby on your back and you and ds1 can make dinner or lunch together.

Or is there a neighbor you can have take baby for a walk in a stroller (if he'll tolerate being in one) while you and ds1 read some books?

I'm still struggling myself, so I'm not much help.

[Bokonon]

I'm having the same problem. And it's awful. I was stuck at home with the kids today because I'm sick, and it was a day from hell. Most days, I try to get us out of the house - we hit up different playgrounds, indoor play places, the zoo, even just running errands. I'm drowning at home and there is no relief in sight.

[artgoddess]

I think your plans are really great, doing bed time and solo mommy older son time on the weekend. Our kids have about the same age difference and when DD was about 8 months was the hardest time for us too. Now all of the sudden the baby is more interactive with people. So you go out and someone thinks the baby is cute and the baby interacts, makes faces whatever and older DS doesn't get much attention. Where as 6 months ago baby didn't so much as turn it's head so person looking at the baby would then focus on older DS and ask how he liked being a big brother or just talk to him.

Then the whole mobility dynamic is rough for everyone to get used to, and older DS might just be feeling a little more needy than before simply because of all the changing dynamics. For me I had to just stop doing housework when the baby napped. She would go down and I would quick rush to unload the dishwasher and put on a load of laundry, then wipe down the bathroom telling DS I'd play with him after i did this one more thing. Then the baby would wake up. So I had to make myself change that method of cleaning and just first thing play trains with DS or cars or read or whatever he wanted as soon as the baby took a nap. Then i would try and get the baby to sleep by 8 pm, DS didn't go to bed until 10. So that first hour she was sleeping I would spend cleaning. Clearer supper, doing laundry folding clothes wiping down the bathroom, some days it wasn't until that late at night I unloaded the dishwasher that I had run the night before. Then about 9 or 9:15 I would take over with DS, get him ready for bed and read to him and have some alone time with him before bed.

[omelette]

ArtGoddess - you're exactly right. The little one gets so much attention from everybody then before and from me too b/c of the stage he is in with needing a constant spotter and being so high needs. I know I won't need to spot him much longer as he becomes more mobile and my fingers are crossed that the crying settles down soon.
I am doing the same thing - putting the babe to bed trying to fold laundry or tidy the kitchen and then he's awake again before I've had a chance to sit one on one with ds1. Dh tells me the same thing, leave everything else and focus on ds1 when ds2 is sleeping. I've tried and our house is falling apart by the end of the day. I guess I just need to get used to that for the time being. It will get better I keep telling myself, I'm just waiting.

[claras_mom]

If he isn't already, see if your dh will take up some of the housekeeping slack, so that you're more comfortable letting it go in order to spend time with your older child.

[artgoddess]

Originally Posted by claras_mom

If he isn't already, see if your dh will take up some of the housekeeping slack, so that you're more comfortable letting it go in order to spend time with your older child.

This, and getting used to the mess helps. I purposely did not put my older one in preschool at 3.5 because the school year would have started right around my due date and I didn't want him to feel like I was shipping him off when the little one arrived. I sort of regretted it later. He loved preschool so much the next year and it would have been nice to get those 2.5 half hours, three days a week to try and clean the house.

[momto4plus4]

Just wanted to give you some encouragement 5 years down the line. My ds was super high needs. He had allergic colitis (bleeding colon) and would cry, on average, 8-10 hrs per day every day for 10 months, was up every 1 1/2 hrs all night every night for 13 months and would scream even in the car. I remember my dd (who turned 4 just after ds was born) holding her ears in the car saying "Mommy, it's hurting my ears". I felt so bad. The first couple of months I was a wreck. I would scream at dd because I was exhausted. I did go on Lexapro as I had bad ppd which did help. But, honestly, dd watched more tv then ever in her life and unfortunately had to play independently A LOT. Dh would take her on dates which was great but those first 13 months, I feel like she got cheated.

HOWEVER, now she is 9 and ds is 5, they get along great, play wonderfully together, and dd is no worse for the wear. She is an active, independent, social butterfly with deep compassion and understanding for kids who are a little different. One thing we did well with her was give her words for her feelings and she still is good at verbalizing and logically thinking through feelings.

Try to give yourselves some grace, do what you can as you can do it and know that you & your children will get through this time. Keep asking for help and coming up with ideas that work for your family but don't guilt yourself over what doesn't work and what you can't control. You are all great moms for trying your best and working as hard as you are.

Hugs to all of you!