Originally Posted by Dreamy  They're starting to assert their independence at this age (my DS is 26 months), seeking to exert some control over their own lives. When DS resists something and has a meltdown, I stay nearby and let him get his emotions out. I never send him somewhere to be alone - they could interpret that as being punished for expressing themselves, something I never want to impart to him. I want him to know that I'm there to give him love and a cuddle when he's ready.
The book "The Science of Parenting" has some great information on this stage. Some of my notes: -A big, painful feeling activates stress chemicals in a child’s brain, so ear-piercing outbursts are often a child’s way of relieving tension.
-If we help children deal with these feelings, instead of criticizing them for these lower-brain-triggered emotional outbursts, we can help their higher brain to develop the nerve pathways essential for natural regulation of feelings.
-Tantrums are key times for brain sculpting. The emotional regulation of a child’s feelings during storms of feeling enables him to establish essential brain pathways for managing stress and being assertive later in life.
-The “too good” child may have learned that expression of big feelings resulted in a frightening parental response, and that the price of parental love was total compliance. This child misses out on the vital brain sculpting that he gets from his parents when he expresses big feelings, meaning that when he faces frustrations later in life, he may respond with angry outbursts or struggle to be assertive.
There are two types of tantrums: Distress Tantrums (DTs)
-DTs happen because essential brain pathways between a child’s higher brain and lower brain haven’t developed yet – these are necessary for managing big feelings.
-As a parent, your role is to soothe your child during these tantrums. If you get angry, he may stop crying, but this may mean that the FEAR system has been triggered, or he may have shifted to silent crying, which floods his brain with toxic levels of cortisol.
-When a child has a distress tantrum, you can see real anguish in his face – he needs comfort.
Handling DTs:
-Use simple, calm actions, or provide a simple choice.
-Distraction – this activates the SEEKING system, triggering high levels of dopamine, which reduces stress and triggers interest and motivation.
-Hold your child tenderly – only if you are calm though. Your mature bodily arousal system will help calm her immature one. You must feel calm and in control in order to help bring her body and brain back into balance, and release calming oxytocin and opioids.
-Some children prefer that you sit next to them, talking gently, as this allows them freedom to move.
-Avoid using Time-Outs during a DT. You wouldn’t walk away from a friend in emotional distress, so this is certainly not appropriate for children, who have far fewer emotional resources than adults, and who need your help establishing effective stress-regulating systems in the brain.
-Avoid putting a child in a room on his own. Although this may stop vocal crying, he may continue to cry internally – this silent crying is a worrisome sign that the child has lost faith that help will come, and in some people, this loss of faith can stay for life.
-Remind yourself that a child’s stress is genuine. A two-year old who screams because his toy was snatched is reacting to pain – a sense of loss activates the pain centers in the brain, causing agonizing opioid withdrawal.
-If DTs are repeatedly punished, the child switches off feelings of hurt because they are no longer safe to have – which has negative impacts on managing feelings in adulthood.
Little Nero Tantrums (LNTs)
-A child having a LNT doesn’t experience or show the anguish, desperation or panic that characterizes the DT, and doesn’t have stress chemicals flooding his brain and body.
-There is usually an absence of tears, and the child is able to articulate his demands and to argue when you say “no”.
-A LNT is about a child trying to get what he wants by bullying his parents into submission.
-If you reward frequent LNTs, you are in danger of setting up a trigger-happy RAGE system in your child’s brain. This is because the mere experience of rage without capacity for reasoned thinking can result in rage becoming a part of your child’s personality.
Handling LNTs
-Do not provide an audience – if you are absolutely sure your child is having a LNT, simply walk out of the room. It’s no fun if no one’s watching, so the LNT will stop.
-Don’t try to reason, argue or persuade – attention and words reward negative behaviours, taking your one step farther toward setting up a hot temper as a personality trait.
-Don’t “kiss it better” – this teaches that you reward rage with love.
-Do not negotiate – this is also rewarding controlling behaviour. If a child discovers that rage works well in manipulating parents, he may continue to use it in adulthood.
-Give clear, firm “nos”, and try to manage your own rage.
-Deal firmly with your child’s commands. Give a clear, firm message about commands being unacceptable as a way of getting what you want. If your child is screaming for a cookie, try saying “I’ll be happy to talk about what you would like when your voice is as quiet as mine”. The go about your business until your child is calmer and says “please”.
-Use humour and play when appropriate. This can deflate their power bubble, and give the message that they will not win in a “power over” transaction. Try something like “You really want to boss me around don’t you? Let’s do it together to this can of peas – Peas, get me that cookie now!” Your child will look at you like you’re crazy, but his serves to upstage him, stop him in his tracks, move you both toward humour and play, mirror him back to himself, and show him you do not take his bullying seriously.
-Use Time Outs only as a last resort – only appropriate for hurting (biting, hitting, kicking) particularly over the age of five. Take him to the time out room, and explain why he is being put in time out.
-Distinguish between an LNT and a DT. Sometimes this can be difficult because one can run into the other. i.e. You say no to a LN command – this “no” could cause your child grief, sending him into a grief reaction. If you feel his grief is genuine, he will need help with his feelings. The message is “I won’t respond to commands, but I will help if you are in pain”.
I just read this blog post this morning, and thought it did an excellent job of putting all this into perspective: http://mindfullymothering.com/2010/0...ying-to-learn/When I climb the kitchen cabinets or forage through the refrigerator, grabbing out an unlikely assortment of food (pizza for breakfast!), remember that I am figuring out what my body wants and needs and feeling skillful at finding it.
When I demand very specific clothes, want my shoes put on a certain way, wear my pajamas to preschool or refuse to put on my jacket, I am asking for autonomy over my own body. For a couple of years now I have been dressed, diapered, lifted from location to another…I need to have a tiny bit of control in a world where it often feels like I have none.
When I have big feelings, tantrums, cry over something that seems very small, you must realize that I am processing so much. My brain is absorbing and learning at a rate that you can’t possibly imagine. I get so frustrated and overwhelmed by it all!
I need to know you will listen when I express my feelings and be there for me when I need warm arms to hide inside.
I know sometimes the world doesn’t understand the way you talk to me, mama. They think you should punish me (teach me a lesson, as if…) or control me so I will turn out to be the person they want me to be. You even feel alone or judged sometimes and that causes you to doubt yourself and even worse, to doubt me.
I was born whole, mama. Don’t let the world re-wire me so that I think that I am not worthy, lovable or wise. Keep reminding me that I am all those things with your patience and respect.
And I know sometimes that the little girl inside you who wasn’t always treated with respect, listened to or loved unconditionally gets frustrated and even fights me just a little bit.
But know I am reaching out my hand to her, she is the one I am asking, wanna play?
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I wish she liked it, but she doesn't, and she has to bathe! Nothing helped her, not even bath toys.
