Van discipline

[peaceful_mama]

What do you do with screaming, fighting kids--or bothering a sibling--in the van?

They're 3 and 5.5. It's the 3 year old who's mostly the instigator--doing stuff to the older one that makes him whine at me...

They NEED the outings we're going on. We are 99% of the time at least FINE when we get there.

And the seating does not matter. They were beside each other, she bugged him, he asked to move. Fine.

She pulled on his seatbelt. (probably need to tighten her straps) She kicks his seat.

There's DS2 on the other side.

And when the baby comes they will HAVE to sit by each other, because the youngest 2 will be closest to the doors, they need help, the big ones don't.

also, she doesn't want to get right in and buckle. Messes around. yes, she'll usually stop and do it herself if I give her the option of "you do it, or I will" but I'd like to avoid the scenario entirely.

Oh, and I really don't want to turn around and go home when we've gotten most of the way to a far destination--gas costs. And it's not fair to my oldest if we all stay home because the 3 yr old misbehaves. And my mom does not always want to babysit. (she lives here too) AND sometimes *I* want to enjoy what we are doing with all of us.

Any other options besides taking away the outing entirely???? Oh and somebody stuck a broken CD in the van CD player and broke that so now I can't turn off the music, or tell them it will be turned on when everyone's buckled.....

[RoViMama]

I think I would work out a deal with the older about ignore his sisters behavior. I would have a signal with him or work out a plan on how he can help behave better in the car. I would praise him for all attempts. When sister is acting out, focus on the children that are doing what they are supposed to. My 4 yr old wants to be included in that group so she will stop (for a period of time) to be included.

I would start with "You do it or I will do it" with the 3 yr old and the car seat. Even before she is in the car. "You have until I get brother in the car to have your arms in and then I will help you." Maybe she wants your help (she is only 3). So it;s not a threat, it's a choice. If you are going to end up doing it anyway...

Praise her when she is doing something right. "I love it when we can enjoy our time together when we go places. Thank you" Distraction--Hey, who can find the first red car. I spy, coloring games.

If all else fails, maybe a car time out when you get there for extreme behavior. Everyone else gets out and she has to stay for a period of time. Or an impromptu drive thorugh for ice cream for those that are following the rules. Yes lots of crying for those not following the car rules, but...

Maybe having a family meeting about car safety. Post car safety rules. You need them to use inside voices b/c they are inside a car. Inside voices so you can hear if there is a siren or important question being asked. Pull over for yelling. We are working on this with DD (4). SHe likes to hear herself scream--not safe in the car. I immediately pull over and stop. I explain how unsafe that is. It hasn't gotten bad enough to leave her at home but I would if needed.

Hope something helps.

[mom2grrls]

Do you have a portable CD player with headphones or MP3 player the 5.5 y/o can listen to in the car? A book or toy for either to play with to keep them busy rather than bothering each other?
As for the 3 y/o buckling herself in at 3, I still helped with that. Maybe you could send her out first to the car, let her fool around for a couple minutes and tell her when she sees others in the car it's time to get buckled.

[Llyra]

My personal approach has been to ignore the bickering entirely. Mine are the same age-- I have a 5 1/2 year old DD and twins who are 3 1/2. The whining and fighting is primarily directed at trying to get a reaction out of me, or get me to take sides, or because they're bored and it's more fun to irritate me and each other, and if I refuse to get involved, it usually stops after awhile. When I can't ignore them-- when it's riding my nerves so badly that it's affecting my driving, I pull over. Then we wait. I say I won't continue to drive until they knock it off, and I stick to it. Sometimes I wind up pulling over a LOT. But they usually get the message, and then it's awhile before I have to do it again.

As far as buckling in-- I do it. I don't even make having them do it be an option. It's easier that way. Plus, I think it's safer-- I don't think I'd trust DD1 to buckle herself in correctly. And DD2 and DS can't manage their harnesses by themselves.

[weezix]

I have the same problem. Although most of the time I do have the option to split them up...or for ds and dd to trade seats. my oldest is the one that gets beat on. my 3 yr old hits, pokes, pulls hair....how do you stop THAT?? yikes.

I'll try some of the suggestions previously posted. Thanks for the post. I think there a lot of us that deal with this same issue.

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

"Your bickering is making it unsafe for me to drive. We are stopping here until I can continue safely." Stop. Wait. Repeat as necessary. Yes, it will delay a few outings, but they will get the message and it will at least decrease. That said, both of my kids have Nintendo DSs that they play in DH's car because it keeps them busy and they don't fight. They are more likely to fight there because of the close proximity to each other -- they rarely bother each other in the van.

[ivymae]

I'm of the ignoring camp too. If it get's too loud/crazy for me to drive safely, I pull over and let them know that it's not safe for me to drive while distracted, so we have to wait for everyone to calm down. if it's just normal sibling fighting, I go to my happy place and just ignore them. It's a bit like having a screaming infant. I can't reason with them to stop, and i can't pull over every time they cry, so I just grit my teeth and keep driving, eyes on the road.

My girls buckle themselves in, and we play a silly game to get them to do it ("who can do it FAST? Who can do it while making a silly face? Who can do it while singing?") and then before I do my own belt i turn around and ask everyone to "double check", where they yank on their straps so I'm sure they are actually buckled in. Again, i ask them to do it like a big strong daddy, or like a giraffe (? it works, i don't know). Playful parenting, even when i am dead tired, makes the tedious things go more smoothly.

[weezix]

i wish i could get my kids to do their own seatbelts. *sigh. when we have all kids thats FIVE seatbelts I have to buckle everytime we stop the car. oy.