Unconditional Parents...Manners and other societal niceties

[BreatheMama]

Hi,

How do I explain to my 4yr old dd that not everyone in the world views children like I do? Should I explain others expectation's and how upset some people get when subordinates don’t "act nice" or "listen" or "be good" or "say please and thank you". I feel a little lost here, encourage an act to make adults feel in control? Recently several adults in our family have voiced opinions like "kids should listen and respect adults" what???? I couldn’t disagree more, why? Just because they are taller, older, more jaded. Um, imagine if every move we made, someone more powerful told us what, how and why to do everything. And if we had any negative reaction or didn’t comply with good manners we had to endure some form of punishment. Am I off base, how do I merge our beliefs with society? Anyone?

[Annie Mac]

*People* should listen and respect each other, regardless of height or age. It goes both ways.

[hollytheteacher]

Originally Posted by Annie Mac

*People* should listen and respect each other, regardless of height or age. It goes both ways.

Exaclty! I would and do expect my ds to say please and thankyou and he does because i've modeled it from the day he was born. If anyone said something in front of him like "kids should blah blah blah" I'd probably add "yes, just like adults...all people need to have manners and be respectful of each other", etc.

[red and lulu]

Originally Posted by Annie Mac

*People* should listen and respect each other, regardless of height or age. It goes both ways.

[greenmamapagan]

Originally Posted by hollytheteacher

If anyone said something in front of him like "kids should blah blah blah" I'd probably add "yes, just like adults...all people need to have manners and be respectful of each other", etc.

s
We always say please and thankyou to DD, so she mostly says it too because it's obviously just the way people interact with each other. A gently worded reminder that "People usually like it more if other people say please" doesn't need to be conditional.
As for the other stuff, I have explained that many people have different expectations for different types of people (children, different races, differently abled people, employees etc) and are surprised when their expectations are not met. That doesn't mean DD needs to comply with their expectations, just gives her a little insight into their behaviour.

[madskye]

Originally Posted by BreatheMama

Hi,

Um, imagine if every move we made, someone more powerful told us what, how and why to do everything. And if we had any negative reaction or didn’t comply with good manners we had to endure some form of punishment. Am I off base, how do I merge our beliefs with society? Anyone?

Someone pretty much does that to me every day...adults are still questioned quite a bit. By our parents, by our employers, by my five year old (constantly)... but I am mature enough to be able to navigate that politely.

Kids are kids, whether you are have a UP viewpoint or a different one...politeness and social skills are learned. You might have your own way of teaching, or it might be time in your child's development to think about how you would like model and teach manners and social skills.

[nextcommercial]

I think kids SHOULD be polite. I expect to be asked by a child, not told what they want. They don't have to say "please", but I expect "can I have...?" or "can we...?" I won't listen to a child who says "Get me more water". I would never speak to someone like that, I want to be treated the same way.

I always say "Thank you" in a nice cheery voice. Always. And, magically, the kids always say "Thank you in a more drippywithcheer voice". I don't tell them to say it, they just do.

We have cousins who's kids have been taught never to say please or thank you to any adult. They are pretty nice to the other kids, but rude to adults. Instead of "May I have another peice of chicken?" They say "You need to get me another peice of chicken". Or "Get another soda for me". We obviously don't like having them around. They take the best seat in the house, and don't think twice about letting Grandma stand when she obviously needs to sit down. Fortunately the other kids get up and give Grandma a chair, or bring one that she can sit in. (she extremely obese and can only sit in certain chairs) So, cousin Debbie and her husband have made Unconditional Parents look bad, because their kids are unlikable by adults.

I want my child to be respected. (she is) respectful (she is) and liked by adults and kids (she is)

[NiteNicole]

I don't think there's anything wrong with acting nice or listening when people have something to tell you or ask you. I am certainly nice to children and I listen when they talk. UP isn't an excuse not to make any effort to get along with other people around you.

People should listen to and respect each other, just because someone is an adult doesn't mean what they're saying should automatically be discarded.

[BreatheMama]

thank you all for your incite, I needed a fresh perspective. I have issues with authority.

Dont get me wrong "please and thank you" goes along way. I dont know, I just have issues with the,imo arbutray "do this" and "do that".

greenmamapaganAs for the other stuff, I have explained that many people have different expectations for different types of people (children, different races, differently abled people, employees etc) and are surprised when their expectations are not met. That doesn't mean DD needs to comply with their expectations, just gives her a little insight into their behaviour.

-interesting view point thanks-

[joanna0707]

I never tell DS to say thank you, please, bye bye etc, I teach by modeling. He's not quite 3 yet and uses thank you, please and I'm sorry on occasions. If he forgets to say thank you, I say it.
I see constantly telling the child " say this" or "do that" as disrespectful and I do believe the child will learn his manners without me always telling him what to do. I plan to talk with DS when he's a little older and able to understand it better how saying and doing certain things makes others feel but I will never push manners on him.

[nina_yyc]

Originally Posted by BreatheMama

How do I explain to my 4yr old dd that not everyone in the world views children like I do?

I think at this age it's really hard. My DD's head is still spinning from the revelation that my mom makes chocolate chip cookies differently than I do...so there must be TWO ways to make chocolate chip cookies

When things have come up with other kids having different rules, I just tell Libby that they do things differently in their family. I don't think it's really sinking in yet, but in a couple years I'm hoping that we'll be able to talk about why we do things the way we do and what kind of family we want to have.