need help - 5 yr old and food.

[emnic77]

I'm naking so apologize for stunted sentences etc...

I'm really struggling here! My newly-turned 5 ds just doesn't eat. This is an ongoing problem, I'm becoming desperate - and afraid that if something doesn't change, I'm going to make him have some serious food issues.

My dh and I love food. We share a 2-family house with my sister and her dh, and THEY love food. We all cook together a lot, we have a huge variety of american, french, asian cuisine, and everything in beween. We eat very healthy and avoid processed food, but I'm also not super strict about treats and snacks, etc (though we do tend to avoid HFCS and artificial ingredients 99% of the time, even for snacks & "treats" like candy or something).

My ds hates EVERYTHING we make. I'm considering the rule "if you don't like what we're having for dinner you can have a pb&j sandwich" but don't know if this is the right approach. Even things I know he likes, like chicken & cheese quesadilla - he wants to "save for later." Then, two hours later he's starving but won't eat what he saved, he wants a snack. Even healthier snacks lie pretzels (our go-to snack) is not enough for him to live on - I'm not okay with letting him skip dinner for a bowl of pretzels. I tend to take the approach that if he liked what we had for dinner and he didn't eat it, he gets no snacks later - I'll reheat his dinner, but not eating it and going for a snack isn't an option. This results in screaming tantrums, and me feeling like a failure.

I think some of it is him wanting to get back to whatever he's doing, so I set the timer for meals...if he doesn't want to eat, that's fine, but he still has to sit at the table with us until the timer goes off.
I just don't know what to do. He breastfed for three years, I smashed up whatever we were eating for him when he started solids, but he just hates food. It particularly stings since food is something we all love so much, and we want to share that with him...not even cooking together or eating veggies HE grew in our garden will work.

Any tips? Thoughts on what I'm already doing? This whole thing feels like a power struggle no matter how much I try to make it NOT be one...and I'm so sick of hearing myself say "EAT." He sits down and says "how many bites do I need to take" right off the bat, like eating food is a punishment.

My 11 yr old dd is pretty much the same way. Not sure where I screwed up here with my kids & food, and with dd, at her dad's house she's allowed to live on chef boyardee and frozen pizza. *sigh*

[annethcz]

My 6yo often doesn't like what I serve for dinner. I don't push it. She can eat or not eat, I don't really care. However, we don't do any after-dinner snacks. So if DD chooses not to eat dinner, she knows that's it for food for the night. She's not a huge eater, and I know that she's eating plenty of healthy food throughout the day, so it doesn't worry me if she doesn't eat dinner. However, she is required to sit with us at the table for at least part of the meal.

You said that your DS doesn't like food, but that doesn't sound correct to me, based on the rest of your post. It sounds like he prefers his processed snacks to the foods you prepare. It doesn't sound like your DS "hates food."

If I was you, I'd probably get rid of the processed snacks (pretzels) to start with. I rarely buy those types of snacks, because I know that my kids would choose them instead of healthier foods. My general rule is that I don't bring food into the house unless I'm okay with my kids eating that food, and probably eating a large amount of that food all at once. My kids usually snack on fruit, cut veggies, nuts, dried fruit, or cheese. Only occasionally do I buy processed carbohydrate snacks, although we have air-popped popcorn with lots of butter about once a week.

I know how frustrating it is to work so hard to prepare meals that your family doesn't appreciate- it happens at my house too.

[velochic]

I totally agree with Ann.

It sounds like there might still be too much processed food in the house. I also don't think pretzels are a healthy snack. I'm not saying that they have no place in a diet (all things in moderation). IMO, though, they are better as part of a lunch of something like chicken breast panini, sliced cucumbers, fresh strawberries and pretzels. One thing that works well in our house is that ALL snacks are either fresh fruit or fresh vegetables, as much as dd wants and cheese, in moderation. Having pretzels later is not an option. Rarely (dd is a very adventurous eater of real, whole foods) will dd not want to eat what I make, but her options are to fill up on fruit, veg and cheese if she doesn't want to eat what I've made. Sometimes I've made North African, Middle Eastern or Indian food a little too (spicy) hot for her and in that case, I *will* make something separate, but it's not because she refuses to eat it, but rather it's too uncomfortable for her to eat it. I'm assuming that you are making food that is not too spicy.

Also, as far as the "get back to what he was doing"... perhaps before meals you can say, "Finish up your project and put it away. You're finished with it for the day." That way, he doesn't have that anticipation of getting back to something fun.

One more thing... you didn't mention this, but do you let him snack outside of the kitchen? I would make all snacks required to be eaten at the table, no toys, no books, no TV. Sit and eat. If he gets to play and eat at the same time, of course he's not going to want to sit at the table.

As for your dd, processed foods contain an insane (and extremely unhealthy) amount of salt. Particularly things like canned spaghetti. Over time, a person gets used to that level of sodium and it makes other healthy and perfectly seasoned food actually taste bland. I realize you probably have little control over the situation outside of your home, but really, the processed junk has GOT to go. I also personally think that processed food is addictive. In the "change the brain chemistry" sense of addictive. Google "processed food addiction" and there are plenty of articles about this.

Good luck!

[ramama]

Your DS sounds like me Although I do the cooking, I rarely eat what I made and therefore rarely eat with the family at dinner. For me, snacking is quicker and easier. I am also a VERY slow eater and I always lose interest in the act of eating well before I'm full. I always put my plate on the counter and tell myself that I'll come back to it in a little bit. But, sure enough, when I go back to the kitchen, it's for a snack and not my half-eaten dinner.

I am trying to change my eating habits because I see that my DDs are starting to exhibit them. I started by offering the kids (and myself) very health snacks. Once our palates adjusted to the new less-processed food I started to space the snacks farther apart, but at the same time put more thought into them so that they were more like very mini-meals (like sugar snap peas, apple slices, and a few whole wheat crackers) that they had once between meals, and once before bedtime. The big thing is that snacks were eaten at the table, not a grab-and-go affair. This was important for my girls, they thought being forced to eat at the table was punishment and they would try to eat the absolute minimum at dinnertime so that they could leave the table sooner.

We're still in the process and it's not perfect yet, and we tweak it often. I also let each of my DDs pick the meal about once a week, which helps. I'll tell you, though, going from grab-a-granola-bar-and-run-outside to sit-at-the-table-and-eat-avocado was not a smooth or pretty transition, but I think it is best for the family in the long run!

[nextcommercial]

I actually hated food back then too. I wasn't exactly "picky", I just never felt like eating. I also was hungry at 3:00 after school, but not at 5:30 at dinner.

I'd eat breakfast, and sorta eat lunch, but I just didn't have any appetite at dinner time.

I'd just offer it, and don't worry about it if he's eating other meals during the day. I'd also make an evening snack before bed. But, not a free for all before bed. Just a small snack.

Sometimes it's just a maturity thing. They will probably like all these things as they get older. Don't take it personally.

[emnic77]

nak, but quickly - i totally agree with the processed spaghetti's and that kind of crap...I have talked gently with her father about not having that stuff in his house, but he falls off the wagon after a week or two. i'm trying to help her make healthier choices, she's watched food inc and we've talked at length about it, but i think she feels like she's insulting him if she says 'i'm not eating that' at his house.

the pretzels - they are just for with lunch, or when we need something to run out the door with as a snack. we do not do all fresh fruit or all fresh vegetables because we do not eat anything with huge food miles - i don't buy strawberries from chile in december, we just don't do that. we do frozen fruit and yogurt usually when fruit is scarce.

since the new baby has been born (she's almost 6 weeks old) I've been too lenient with letting him eat a snack in the living room with me while I"m nursing (my baby cluster feeds, just like both the other two did). i need to correct this.

[Lineymom]

Your DS is probably not as bad as mine. He just turned 5 also. He has lived off of basically peanut butter since he weaned at 33 months. He will not eat any meals with us except pizza or spagetti and he is extremely picky about those and will only eat them once in a while. I don't do them much anyway as my other son has a wheat allergy so I have to do 2 seperate dishes

He eats mostly pb straight out of a spoon, will hardly eat it as a sandwich, and cashews. He drinks very little milk unless it is chocolate but does like yogurt most of the time. He likes a few other nuts and seeds, too. I call him my little squirrel. He loves any kind of sweet, but as far as cooked food sweets, the spagetti and pizza are it. No veggies or fruits (closest thing is orange juice)

As a baby he loved baby food... I don't know where we went wrong. His main thing is that he is adement about hating meat. He has never had any. My DH used to be pushy about it, but now is accepting that that is the way he is. DS seems to think that anything that consist of a meal is meat. I try to in a non-threatening tone talk to him about how his peanuts come from the ground like X that we are eating and it is not meat. Hopefully, with time it will sink in and he will try new things. Right now he is not open to it and I am no pressure. I just spoon out a blob of pb for him when we sit down to eat

I will be watching this thread for any tips, though.

BTW, his growth seems fine. Compared to his big brother at the same age he is a runt, but he is growing w/in the norm and is actually 95% for height. He is only 43 lbs, though. His hair, skin and eyes are super healthy looking. How is your DS's growth?

[emnic77]

His growth is normal - he's tall and skinny, like it sounds like your son is.

He loves meat, part of my struggle is to get him to eat something OTHER than meat. He loves beans at least...

[claras_mom]

Originally Posted by emnic77

His growth is normal - he's tall and skinny, like it sounds like your son is.

He loves meat, part of my struggle is to get him to eat something OTHER than meat. He loves beans at least...

I have a semi-picky 5 yo. Basically, her preference is to graze--small breakfast, morning snack at preschool, small healthy lunch, afternoon snack at preschool, snack after school....and then maybe she's hungry for dinner.

So we're working on all sitting down together in the evenings, but if I'm running late with dinner and she's clearly genuinely hungry, I just make sure that whatever she snacks on hits all the bases: protein, vegetable and/or fruit, good carbs, milk.

And yeah, if she's really dragging her feet and hasn't had enough solidly healthy food, I'll tell her how many bites. 5 and 9 are her favorite numbers, so it's usually one of those two.

[emnic77]

Alright, I decided to stop the power struggle. DH and I were talking about it last night, and DS is a control freak just like the two of us. While food has always been a hotspot for us, I know he is feeling a bit out of control with the new baby, and we decided to try giving up the reins on this one and seeing how it goes. I'm going to put together a tupperware box of good food for him in the fridge, and if he doesn't like dinner, he can have the choice to pick something out of there. He'll also be allowed to choose from snacks from there. If he wants to snack and/or graze instead of eating big meals, I'm going to let him do that (although I feel very strongly about family meals, and he will still be required to sit at the table with us during dinner to talk about the day, at least for a set amount of time - 15 minutes seems fair - even if he doesn't want to eat anything). I'm going to let him pick one thing to go with the family dinner each night (out of a list of appropriate options) to try to encourage him to eat with us...I mean, he loves roasted kale chips, so if he requests those 5 nights a week and eats them, I can do that.

So...we'll see.

Maybe this seems like slacking, but after really stopping and considering it and him, this is what we've decided. We'll see how it goes.

[peaceful_mama]

I don't think that sounds like slacking. You can't *make* him eat at a certain time after all. I think it's a wise way to pick your battles...you can't force the food at the table, but you decide what the alternatives in the box are, so he can't just skip dinner and eat junk.

and I have seen *many* kids, including my own, insist they are not hungry...or they only want bread or whatever....until they are sitting at a table with people who are eating the meal. I think the one food idea is a good one because of that.

5 is a bizzare-o age anyway with food as far as I am concerned. DS1--5--used to love chicken and now will not eat it unless it comes from a fast food place in the form of a sandwich or nuggets or is a strip. He also is HUGE into noodles, but thankfully will eat pretty much any casserole type item with noodles and will eat spaghetti and pretty much any pasta dish. Dh thinks they are weird because they don't like the sweet breakfast noodles he grew up with...

[34me]

Kind of crashing on this as my ds is still doing this at 14 (as of last week). He eats a really good variety of foods but very rarely eats the quantity of other 14 year old boys. We still order for him off the kids menu. His hockey coach would like to see him gain 60 (!) pounds for his height. I'd really like to see 15. He's almost 6 feet tall and weighs in at 119. He definitely has texture aversions and stops eating the second he is full. We do a lot of peanut butter and I freeze homemade burritos in his size portions so if he is in the mood to eat he can go for it.