STBX doesn't want to do mediation, thinks we can do a seperation agreement on our own

[kryztuh]

H has been moved out for over a month and told me he wants a divorce. I am due with child #2 in September and it's been difficult having him give up on our marriage. I went back to see our marriage counselor by myself when this happened. She gave me information on a highly recommended mediation/lawyer who does a package deal with orientation, a couple sessions, will go over premarital property calculations, etc., drafts the seperation agreement, and then will file the divorce in a year.

You have to be seperated for a year in Maryland, and mediation is not required (that I know of). The counselor thinks it's a good option for us and will save a lot of money as well. I also need to know what to expect after the baby is born for my own piece of mind!

H doesn't want to pay for half the mediation and thinks we can/should be able to work out an agreement on our own. I don't think he gets that he's probably going to have to pay some child support. I did the calculations in MD's law and even though I make more money than him, I don't think he'll have the children enough to be exempt from ALL CS. I don't think he gets that we have to have an agreement that passes legal muster for the divorce decree to go through and we'll still have to pay someone to do that, (right?)

I also don't think I can work with him to do this agreement on our own--I am so emotional and hormonal now, it takes everything I have to keep my composure working out logistics of when he'll see DS as it is.

Am I missing something? Do people really do seperation agreements on their own? I feel like he's just being cheap and lazy...I mean, if you want a divorce, don't you put effort into making it happen???

I told him if he doesn't want to do the mediation, to write up his seperation agreement and I'll go to a lawyer and send one back to him with my changes. Am I being unreasonable?

[RollerCoasterMama]

Coming from a completely different situation then yours it sounds like...but we did end up doing it on our own. Actually, I did it, and ran things past STBX. He never made any changes. I had most of a year to keep tweaking things. And separate residences for the past 6 months, so we got to test out how visitation would work. I am the only one getting a lawyer (I have legal coverage through work).

It can be done. IF you're both on the same page. And IF you keep compromise and the well-being of your children at heart. If there's a chance of a disagreement, then it's tricky to do things on your own.

It doesn't sound like you're emotionally in the right place to be able to deal with this right now. I hope you can find a way to slog through the details that works for you!

[kryztuh]

So since you have done the agreement on your own, will you just file that for the divorce yourself? I think you said you have a lawyer. Did they make the agreement "legal" and file it for you?

[RollerCoasterMama]

Originally Posted by kryztuh

So since you have done the agreement on your own, will you just file that for the divorce yourself? I think you said you have a lawyer. Did they make the agreement "legal" and file it for you?

In my state, there is no mandetory separation period. And we are very amicable and worked out the money stuff on our own without any official separation agreement.

The agreements for CS and visitation and property, we worked out together and I gave my lawyer the notes, he's putting it into documents and will file it with the court to make the divorce final. I'm meeting him tomorrow actually to review the final documents. We'll probably be officially divorced in less than 2 months from now.

Like I said, it's a different situation than yours...esp since we don't have to do anything to prove separation.

[NolaRiordan]

I'm sorry but I am cringing reading your post. Reminds me of my X. He also wanted the divorce and wanted to do it on our own and avoid lawyers. That basically meant about 3 months of me doing all the work on what was required and getting a hold of the appropriate forms and documents and him doing nothing. He was completely unreasonable about any negotiations. It was totally ridiculous and really really stressful for me. I finally just went and got a lawyer and filed since I couldn't take it any more and needed to just end it and get on with my life for my sake and my kids sake.

I do know people who have done this on their own. I think it can be done. It takes 2 very grown up people who are committed to working things out and keeping the interest of the kids first and foremost.

But honestly, being pregnant if I were you I would not want this added stress in my life.

[LorenaAZ]

My ex wanted a divorce but didn`t want to pay for it or put any time into it. Unemployed, full time college student, single mom me had to do all the work. I went to a free divorce workshop (it was more confusing than helpful) and did it all on my own. In my state of AZ you don`t need a 1 yr legal separation though. It was hard work....like NolaRiordan said...getting a hold of all the forms, the process, what to submit when, attached to what, spent several hours in the courthouse`s legal library, had to get ex to sign things in front of a notary (it was so difficult to get him to walk 2 blocks from the hospital where he works to the court house for this). I ended up having to file an ammendment too, because ex changed his mind about some stuff. The divorce took me twice as long as it should have!
If you can afford an attorney, I would definitely go that route.
And as you mentioned, in the emotional state you are in, it might just be too much to deal with right now. I wish you the best with the remainder of your pregnancy! May you and your new angel have a wonderful birth.

[Bad Mama Jama]

Originally Posted by NolaRiordan

I'm sorry but I am cringing reading your post. Reminds me of my X. He also wanted the divorce and wanted to do it on our own and avoid lawyers. That basically meant about 3 months of me doing all the work on what was required and getting a hold of the appropriate forms and documents and him doing nothing. He was completely unreasonable about any negotiations. It was totally ridiculous and really really stressful for me. I finally just went and got a lawyer and filed since I couldn't take it any more and needed to just end it and get on with my life for my sake and my kids sake.

I do know people who have done this on their own. I think it can be done. It takes 2 very grown up people who are committed to working things out and keeping the interest of the kids first and foremost.

But honestly, being pregnant if I were you I would not want this added stress in my life.

that i would not add the stress onto myself. let the courts hammer it out. especially if your first inclination is to say no. go with that feeling. quite often the first mind is the right one.

[coryy]

I agree with the posters that an intervening person (paid mediator or trusted clergymember or someone neutral) would be a very good thing. You need another head on your shoulders to help you, especially as you are pregnant/will be sleep deprived/are the disadvantaged party.

Have you looked at the website

http://www.uptoparents.org/

?

I tried to get my stbx to work through that site back in january when he first said he was considering divorce. Just the intro stuff helped me a lot when I couldn't get to the counselor alone. Turns out my DH was abusive and already in an affair, so that never happened for us (i wish!) but it is a good, free website that is very supportive and very much about putting kids first in the long term. It will help you get good parameters and if your dh isn't even willing to do a website, that gives you a good idea of how willing he'll be to do the actual mediation work (before you spend the money on it). And you'll find out if he's just bluffing/saying what he thinks he's supposed to say, rather than meaning it.

[Bad Mama Jama]

i am going to add that link to the resources stickie!