4 yo won't eat unless I feed him *UPDATE* post 46

[Bri'sgirl]

Is this normal? My youngest ds, who turned 4 in January, often refuses to eat unless I feed him. It's not like he doesn't like the food or isn't hungry. He just wants me to do the feeding. It's getting very frustrating, because my other 2 dc never did this past the age of 2 or younger. The meal it most often occurs with is breakfast, but can happen at any time of the day. I go as long as possible trying to make him eat by himself...up to an hour...but then, we have things to do. I can't have him go hungry and it turns into major arguments with crying (on his part) and yelling (on my part). How can I encourage him to feed himself? I've tried time outs, taking away special toys, talking with him about it, not going to special activities that were previously planned, etc.

I would love any advice!

Thanks!

[nextcommercial]

Feeding him? As in holding the spoon or fork and putting it to his mouth?

[That Mom]

Do you sit with him while he eats? He may be making a play for your company or attention. I know that breakfast is not always a sit together family meal.

My kids have gone through some power struggles around food at around this age. With the feed me, procrastination issues I have had good luck with an egg timer. I just set between 10 and 20 minutes for the meal. I sit and eat with them. If they request assistance, I let them know that I am eating my own food. After the timer goes off, the meal is over. There are some immediate consequences of hungry and grumpy kids, but it doesn't last long (a few days). Kids will eat when they get hungry. This way little guy gets your attention, but not control of the meal or family schedule.

Interested to see what solutions other mamas have come up with.

[nextcommercial]

I don't think it's "normal". But, it sounds like a typical run of the mill power/food struggle. Everybody has at least one food/power struggle before age five. What fun would it be if it was easy?

I bet your future daughter in law will appreciate it if you stopped spoon feeding him though.

In that same situation, I THINK I would probably stop feeding him immediately. It's my job to provide the food, prepare it, and put it on the table.. it's not my job to put it in his mouth. You actually CAN let him go hungry. He's probably not all that hungry. Kids can eat a surprisingly small amount of food and it's just enough for them.

But, instead, I'd either allow a decent amount of time to finish eating. If he wasn't interested, I'd put the plate on the counter for him to have a bite here and there if he wants. Or, I'd put out a few grapes and crackers to let him graze on later.

If I were needing to get a few things done and couldn't sit there and chat with him while he eats, I'd even let him take it to the coffee table and finish eating while he watched tv. (I'm not anti tv though..so, I don't have a problem with eating in front of the tv sometimes)

Most people don't like to eat alone. So, I can see how he'd like the company. But, you are both making this a power struggle. Parents almost never win a food/power struggle. Kids are amazingly strong and can hang in there longer than we can.

[annethcz]

No, it's not normal. I would stop if I was you. Don't make food a battle. Set food out and if he's hungry, he'll eat. It make take a few days for him to get used to the new normal. In the meantime, don't nag him or beg him to eat. Just set the food out, and let him be.

[4evermom]

I actually started spoon feeding my ds around age 3 and through age 4. Never did it as a baby or toddler. But it turned out there were a lot of things he wouldn't eat because he hated getting food on his lips or fingers. With him, there were mild sensory issues behind wanting to be fed. As he got older, they have faded. He isn't as sensitive and he has better dexterity to feed himself neatly. What helped was preparing his food so he could feed himself more easily. I cut everything, didn't serve him saucy or messy foods. He'd even eat bread and butter cut up with a fork. I used to assume he wasn't hungry when he only ate a few bites of a slice of pizza. Then I realized he'd eat a lot more if I cut it into narrow strips that he could bite off more easily.

Maybe your guy just wants company. Maybe feeding himself is frustrating when he is tired or especially hungry. Maybe he'd feed himself if the food was presented differently or if different food was served. Maybe it started off as one of those things and has since turned into a power struggle...

[honeybunmom]

My 4.5 year old can still get my husband to feed her. I've simply refused. She is the older of my two children. He continued to feed her beyond her displaying an ability to feed herself, but, I wouldn't play into it.

[Bri'sgirl]

nextcommercial - yes, he wants me to hold the spoon/fork/sandwich/taco and put it to his mouth.

That Mom - I don't always have a chance to sit with him while he eats, unfortunately. I know I should probably make a better effort to do that. Part of his wanting to be babied comes from him being sick. He has asthma and has had a pretty hard time for the last couple weeks. This seems to make the meal struggles worse.

I do like the egg timer idea. I think I will give that a try, sit with him and let him know that I need to eat. If it's still a struggle after a week, I'll have to try something else.

Thanks!!

[Bri'sgirl]

Gosh, I've got so many distractions that by the time I finished my response, several other people had responded!

Most of the time, he isn't eating by himself. The other two dc are eating with him. Today, he sat at the table for over an hour, not eating. But, I should probably figure out how to make time to eat with him, too. I don't usually eat breakfast, and when I do, I usually eat standing at the counter. I take a bite, go do something, come back and take another bite, etc.

He does have some sensory issues with food, like not liking it on his fingers or the outside of his lips. I cut up pizza, sandwiches, meats and other foods into smallish pieces that are easy to pick up. It's the foods like oatmeal, cereals, spagetti and soups that he wants me to feed him, mostly. But, sometimes it's the sandwiches or pizza... I try to make soups easier by serving it in cups, but I can't figure out how to serve the other things to make them easier to eat. And, the funny thing is, he will eat all of these by himself at times.

I know that it's mostly a power struggle. I will try some of these suggestions and hope for the best. It's just so frustrating when I have other things to get done and I'm fighting with a 4 yo. Argh!

[bluebirdiemama]

My 3 yo ds does this, and I am certain it is to get my attention. I have to feed my 16 mo old occasionally, and he sometimes insists on having me do things for him that I would typically do for her.
I do not think it would be effective to put him in time out, or take away toys for this reason. I find I have to make the negative consequences more relevent to what the undesired behavior is. (totally not trying to be snarky, but no time to word this better). I agree with pp-er, put the food out, if he doesn't eat it well, he'll be hungry. He'll learn pretty quickly to do it himself. But, I would also sit with him during breakfast, because maybe he is feeling like he needs your attention at that time.

[sarahr]

If I let my almost-4 year old get too hungry -- into the meltdown, tantrummy stage -- then she's too hungry to calm down enough to feed herself, but she'll happily let me feed her. I try to feed her part of the meal, just so she's not so starving. Or, better yet, give her food before it gets to that stage, but I'm not always that good.

So, could you try starting meal time 30 minutes earlier and see if that makes a difference?

[lovesea]

I don't have any advice but I'm interested as have similar issues with my nearly 4 year old. He does it mainly at dinnertime. We always eat together and I stay at the table until he finishes. I have a dd, 18 months who feeds herself. DS often says he's too tired to feed himself so could I hel him. Seems like everyone is advising against this. How would you explain why you're not going to feed them.

[CarrieMF]

I'd stop feeding him & give him 30-45minutes to eat. Then the food gets put away. My kids all went through a stage of not wanting to eat(or eat what we were having) so yeah there were days they went to bed hungry. The
stages didn't last that long.

Now if there were special needs involved then I'd do differnet things. The boy I work with is non-verbal & autistic. He had to be taught in kindergarten to eat(he was in K for 2 years). Apparently his older brother(also autistic but high functioning) also had to be taught to eat. they knew how to physically eat but they didn't understand when everyone sits down to eat lunch/snack that we eat too. They wouldn't feed him with a spoon or fork, but would put the food in their hands & then move their hands to their mouths.

The boy I work with had food cards he has to give me before he gets his sandwich/bar/juice. there are days(happening more & more often) where I have to physically take his hand put the card in his hand, have him hand it to me & then hand him his sandwhich & move it to his mouth. Next year our schedule is changing & we may end up doing it a little differently, but right now i leave right after lunch & he needs to be done eating before he's handed off.

The only times I put the food in his mouth is if it's taco day at school(very messy & he'll try to cram the entire thing in his mouth), subway day at school(same thing). I also do it because we get lettuce & tomato put on those. He won't eat fruits/veggies but I try to make him. If I don't feed it to him he'll put them out. He's learning to like lettuce.

[mamaofthree]

oh my: egg timer really? please don't do that. it instills fear, over eating and eating too quickly. sorry my folks did that to us, it sucked. now i eat too fast and tend to over eat. what is the rush? it is better to eat slowly anyway, your body singles you to stop eating when your full before you over eat. 10 minutes to scarf down a meal is too quick.
as for spoon feeding your child... how long do you think this phase will last? if it usually breakfast maybe indulge it.... if you have the time to sit with him, why not?

h

[karlin]

Have you tried a chart? He can fill in a star for everyday he feeds himself, and on the 7th day (or 10th or 3rd or whatever works), have a special reward like a trip to the park or a small toy. Charts have worked wonders for my ds.

[artgoddess]

My son was like this at times at that age. He also couldn't dress himself, I thought I was going to have to get him a valet. He was my first so I guess that's why it didn't bother me. He stopped doing it by 4.5. Mostly I think it was because of his OCD tendencies. He especially insisted on help with things like yogurt or spaghetti anything with a potential for being messy. I think there are a whole lot of variants to "normal". and I would hesitate to label a child that young as being not normal.

[wookie]

Originally Posted by artgoddess

. I think there are a whole lot of variants to "normal". and I would hesitate to label a child that young as being not normal.

some of it is cultural so maybe that colours my response. i grew up in a culture where kids arent expected to be mini-adults. and parents are much more indulgent of what mnay be viewed as "dependent tendencies". Meaning independence is not seen as a positive quality, rather the opposite depending on the situation. anyway, so i feed my almost 4.5yo some of the time. i also get him dressed, help him buckle his carseat belts etc. all these things he can do himself but if he asks and i'm able to do them, i do i figure he's growing up too fast anyway and won't want me to in a few years. i don't sweat it right now. that's how i was raised and i turned out okay.

i realise this won't be a popular opinion here but here it is.

[StrawberryFields]

I disagree that it is "not normal." I have a 4.5 year old and a 2.5 year old and they both go through phases of wanting to be fed. I don't stress about it. I think they just want me to slow down and give them some extra attention. One thing I do is that I don't really set a time limit to mealtimes. I prepare it, we sit down and eat as a family. Dh & I linger around the table a little bit for the little ones who are still eating but eventually we clean up and go back to our evening. I leave the kids plates on the table until they go to bed.

Sometimes I even offer to help ds, if we are having something like burgers or subs it can be hard and clumsy for him to tried to hold and bite it. No big deal IMO. I doubt it means I'll be holding his tacos for him when he is 14 ;-)

[artgoddess]

Originally Posted by wookie

some of it is cultural so maybe that colours my response. i grew up in a culture where kids arent expected to be mini-adults. and parents are much more indulgent of what mnay be viewed as "dependent tendencies". Meaning independence is not seen as a positive quality, rather the opposite depending on the situation. anyway, so i feed my almost 4.5yo some of the time. i also get him dressed, help him buckle his carseat belts etc. all these things he can do himself but if he asks and i'm able to do them, i do i figure he's growing up too fast anyway and won't want me to in a few years. i don't sweat it right now. that's how i was raised and i turned out okay.

i realise this won't be a popular opinion here but here it is.

Yeah that

Originally Posted by StrawberryFields

I disagree that it is "not normal." I have a 4.5 year old and a 2.5 year old and they both go through phases of wanting to be fed. I don't stress about it. I think they just want me to slow down and give them some extra attention. One thing I do is that I don't really set a time limit to mealtimes. I prepare it, we sit down and eat as a family. Dh & I linger around the table a little bit for the little ones who are still eating but eventually we clean up and go back to our evening. I leave the kids plates on the table until they go to bed.

Sometimes I even offer to help ds, if we are having something like burgers or subs it can be hard and clumsy for him to tried to hold and bite it. No big deal IMO. I doubt it means I'll be holding his tacos for him when he is 14 ;-)

and yeah that.

[Heavenly]

I guarantee you he will not starve himself. I am not saying what YOU should do but for me it just would not happen. I would tell my 4 year old that she was big enough to feed herself and then I would go about my business. If she wanted to scream and cry for 3 hours instead of feeding herself then so be it. If you never give in to it then it will stop. If you do it sometimes then he will keep throwing a fit because he knows sometimes it works.